It feels like my nada is dead to me

[Guest guest]

I am in a place of almost no contact with nada. And not necessarily by

my own design or wishes. I envisioned something quite different. But

have given up my dream.

I can't heal a relationship in which nada wants me to send everything

to a PO Box; I find myself completely unmotivated to share anything

with my parents under those conditions. I am pretty sure that

inclination is not based on resentment.

In my last communication, I was late in sending her and my mom in

law's birthday cards (they share the same birthday) and wanted both

moms to get their cards in time. So, I sent the nada's birthday card

to her home address.

My nada called me the day before her birthday (she got her card on

time! Her birthday was Sunday) to complain that she did not want mail

sent to her home address. I felt my gut wrench and my eyes rolled. I

immediately put her on speaker phone so that I would not be alone with

this snippy bitchy voice in my ear. When I could hear her again, I

almost said, " You called to tell me that? " , but instead I said,

" You're still there? Your concern today is about mail being sent to

your PO Box? " She got the drift from my very very gentle upbraid, and

she changed her tone. " Thank you for your card... it was nice... " of

course she got back on her track, " I need to have you send mail to

the PO Box... " I said nothing but was irritated (pointless and just

aggravating to mention that to nada)...

What I find irritatiing is that I really suspect my mom does not go

to her po box but once a week. It is over twenty miles from her house

and she is more and more afraid to drive for being caught by police.

Since she never responds to the mail I send to her PO box, but she

will at least call when I send to her home address. If I want my

letters to be REAL communication, why would I want to send them to a

black hole .... the PO Box?

I sent a card to my folks' PO Box when we knew we were visiting their

home state this summer and I never heard PEEP about that letter. Many

of you may remember that we never saw my folks after 16 years of not

visiting their home state.

I'm trying though to honor her wishes, just so that I can really see

the place where the boat rocks. My mom is pointing out just where I

rock the boat and the lengths she is going to... to make ME behave...

is really interesting. By following her orders (hard as it is for me

because I am the rebel) I see that her whole world is loony tunes, and

that I am not to blame. Nothing I can do to honor her wishes will make

a difference in how I am treated.

So actually I don't get her motivation for trying to control my

communications with her. I've come to suspect my nada is trying to

make me an outsider. She is giving support to my brother at this time

(and that is fine by me; if he lives close to her and puts up with

her, he deserves some pay backs), and so I think she wants to make me

out as undeserving of help. She's decided I wasted money by going to

college because I did not get a scholarship. She is all the time

suspecting I am going to go to the psychiatric hospital because I am

not home to answer her calls... she wants me to have problems of my

own making... that are undeserving of her help... that I am totally to

blame for. That way she can justify cutting me out of the family circle.

I have a spiritual belief that sustains me, and I am fairly certain

that I was spared that visit with nada and my dad when we were on our

vacation in July. I think the visit would have hurt and hindered me,

and my higher power helped us to pass by like ships in the night.What

is wonderful is I was transparent about our visit. I was not sneaking

around. I was out in the open enjoying great visits with people that

love me, and know what love MEANS.

Nada may find her way to blame me for not putting out more effort to

see her. But darn, if someone is not wanting you to write to their

home address, how much would they like a surprise visit from you at

their doorstep? I am not that much of a rebel, nor do I revel in

masochism enough to do that! So, I did not go to " any length " to see

her, and I am quite sure she has some snide story to tell about that.

Interestingly, she does not dare tell that story to me. If she is

insisting on telling that story to my father, then I give up on both

of them!

Of course, I don't know that my speculations are true, and the best

thing for me is to be happy where I am.

Fact is, I am totally powerless over getting what I want. But I think

it would be good for me to write down what I want from family and see

where it IS possible to get what I NEED. Then pray for and take steps

myself towards getting my needs met.

At first that bugged me that my mom marginalized me. I wanted to

fight back, make the truth known. Call her cards. All of that, is

actually just wasted effort, like pissing into the wind. I end up wet

and smelly and feeling bad .

My brother suggested when he was in his late twenties (he's a father

of three now, and in his mid-40's), that I " throw in the towel " way

back then (on my last visit 16 years ago!). Oh I resisted. Now I

realize the analogy that works for me, the fighter: Let go and let

God do the fight for me.

Today, I am in greater peace, knowing I don't have the power to change

the situation. Only by my prayers can I change my perceptions and

change the world that is in my sphere of influence. Um, living where I

live, in the Southeast, my sphere of influence just does NOT extend to

Puget Sound.

From my distant seat, far far from the stage, I feel like I am

being given the chance to experience my nada's death, even to prepare

for that eventuality.

In fact, my nada told me early on, " You're going to grow up and become

a stranger. " I think she told me that as I entered puberty. Well, my

secret struggle was that I was not going to let that prophesy come

true. I was so afraid of being blamed, that I fought that prophesy my

entire adult life. When I shared my secret mission with my husband he

told me, " She is the one who made you a stranger. " Those words were

the ones that really felt true, really felt like they might heal me.

The only person who can be healed in our relationship.

Just for today I have peace with ME healing ME, because I know I did

my best to redeem her and it is not possible. My best is good enough

for me and I have nothing more to prove. My dad, who some might call

a dishrag, gave me that second mantra when I was in college doing math

that was not my calling. He said, " You have nothing to prove. " I apply

those words to all kinds of situations, where my best efforts avail me

nothing. If he only knew, I am certain he would be proud of me.

My dad, despite his quietness, is a realist. He gave me what he

could, and I have made that better life. Moving on,

Oh, to be sure, I am bound to have set backs, but I can see a clearer

road ahead, even as I prepare for challenges.

Thanks " invisible " dad for that powerful thought. And bigger thanks to

my husband for being the kind of man who WILL stand up to my nada, on

my behalf. Invisible dad would never do that within eyeshot or earshot

of nada.

I am very very grateful for the gifts I was given. I am outliving the

legacy of my nada and her mother. May my nada rest in peace. She is

beginning to do so in my heart, TODAY. That peace is my " revenge "