Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 I have realized lately I mainly feel and felt negated by her. Whenever something happened, even if it happened to ME, it was her feelings about the event that mattered. What I am going through with the sister in law problems, my mother will come home from work and go on and on dumping her problems on me, when the worst of it is while she is at work because my brother gets home an hour after she does...the babysitting is a CHOICE for her, she could say no. And throughout my childhood even though my father was so abusive of me she would sit and moan to me about how badly he treated HER. And then when I would try to confide in her she would defend him or tell me it was my fault. No empathy, even when we were suffering from the same abuser. So I find I automatically discount my feelings as not mattering at all. It is always 'the other person' whose feelings matter. My job is to be a sounding board and silent support. My feelings and my life don't matter. This has set me up to attract and stay with abusive partners, because most of them are narcissists looking for someone like me with poor self-image. I understand why they call it poor self-image because mine was invaded and exploited by nada. And fada. > > > My therapist is really wanting me to discover who I am without my mom's voice in > my head telling me what a fat, selfish, uncaring, foolish, ugly slob I am. I > have such a low self esteem because of what I have always been told about > myself. For instance, what weight would I be happy at? (without my mom's voice > telling me I need to be her anorexic size 0) It is difficult for me to tell?? I > have never formed my own opinions on things like weight because it was pounded > into me since I was a tiny girl that the most important thing was to be thin... > > Now, being slightly overweight causes great depression for me... But, > realitically, I have had four boys... Of course I am going to have a stomach > with extra skin that wont go away... My mom always laughs at my breasts... (I > breast fed all my sons for 1 year each) and my breasts are a little saggy now... > She makes fun and says that if I dont get implants I will need to start buying > panty hose to use for bras... > > How does one build a self-esteem at the age of 31 without her NADA's voice > constantly in her head when its been there since she was born?... Personally, I > do not agree with all the plastic surgery my NADA goes through... I want to > learn to be happy with what God gave me... I want to be happy with the saggy > breasts that allowed me to breast feed my sons... > > Do any of you find yourselves trying to figure out who you would like to be or > who you are (and being happy) when that is against everything youve ever been > taught about yourself? I dont know about you but as a young child I thought my > NADA knew it all... Dont all small children look to their parents for the > answers? So how do you learn as an adult to throw all that rubbish in the can > and re-create an identity for yourself? Has anyone found something that worked > well in getting Nada's thoughts of you out of your head and creating a > self-identity based on what makes you happy? And what does make me happy? I have > always lived for HER happiness... NOT MINE! What does make me happy???? Good > question...!!! I would love any thoughts! > jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 I have realized lately I mainly feel and felt negated by her. Whenever something happened, even if it happened to ME, it was her feelings about the event that mattered. What I am going through with the sister in law problems, my mother will come home from work and go on and on dumping her problems on me, when the worst of it is while she is at work because my brother gets home an hour after she does...the babysitting is a CHOICE for her, she could say no. And throughout my childhood even though my father was so abusive of me she would sit and moan to me about how badly he treated HER. And then when I would try to confide in her she would defend him or tell me it was my fault. No empathy, even when we were suffering from the same abuser. So I find I automatically discount my feelings as not mattering at all. It is always 'the other person' whose feelings matter. My job is to be a sounding board and silent support. My feelings and my life don't matter. This has set me up to attract and stay with abusive partners, because most of them are narcissists looking for someone like me with poor self-image. I understand why they call it poor self-image because mine was invaded and exploited by nada. And fada. > > > My therapist is really wanting me to discover who I am without my mom's voice in > my head telling me what a fat, selfish, uncaring, foolish, ugly slob I am. I > have such a low self esteem because of what I have always been told about > myself. For instance, what weight would I be happy at? (without my mom's voice > telling me I need to be her anorexic size 0) It is difficult for me to tell?? I > have never formed my own opinions on things like weight because it was pounded > into me since I was a tiny girl that the most important thing was to be thin... > > Now, being slightly overweight causes great depression for me... But, > realitically, I have had four boys... Of course I am going to have a stomach > with extra skin that wont go away... My mom always laughs at my breasts... (I > breast fed all my sons for 1 year each) and my breasts are a little saggy now... > She makes fun and says that if I dont get implants I will need to start buying > panty hose to use for bras... > > How does one build a self-esteem at the age of 31 without her NADA's voice > constantly in her head when its been there since she was born?... Personally, I > do not agree with all the plastic surgery my NADA goes through... I want to > learn to be happy with what God gave me... I want to be happy with the saggy > breasts that allowed me to breast feed my sons... > > Do any of you find yourselves trying to figure out who you would like to be or > who you are (and being happy) when that is against everything youve ever been > taught about yourself? I dont know about you but as a young child I thought my > NADA knew it all... Dont all small children look to their parents for the > answers? So how do you learn as an adult to throw all that rubbish in the can > and re-create an identity for yourself? Has anyone found something that worked > well in getting Nada's thoughts of you out of your head and creating a > self-identity based on what makes you happy? And what does make me happy? I have > always lived for HER happiness... NOT MINE! What does make me happy???? Good > question...!!! I would love any thoughts! > jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 I have realized lately I mainly feel and felt negated by her. Whenever something happened, even if it happened to ME, it was her feelings about the event that mattered. What I am going through with the sister in law problems, my mother will come home from work and go on and on dumping her problems on me, when the worst of it is while she is at work because my brother gets home an hour after she does...the babysitting is a CHOICE for her, she could say no. And throughout my childhood even though my father was so abusive of me she would sit and moan to me about how badly he treated HER. And then when I would try to confide in her she would defend him or tell me it was my fault. No empathy, even when we were suffering from the same abuser. So I find I automatically discount my feelings as not mattering at all. It is always 'the other person' whose feelings matter. My job is to be a sounding board and silent support. My feelings and my life don't matter. This has set me up to attract and stay with abusive partners, because most of them are narcissists looking for someone like me with poor self-image. I understand why they call it poor self-image because mine was invaded and exploited by nada. And fada. > > > My therapist is really wanting me to discover who I am without my mom's voice in > my head telling me what a fat, selfish, uncaring, foolish, ugly slob I am. I > have such a low self esteem because of what I have always been told about > myself. For instance, what weight would I be happy at? (without my mom's voice > telling me I need to be her anorexic size 0) It is difficult for me to tell?? I > have never formed my own opinions on things like weight because it was pounded > into me since I was a tiny girl that the most important thing was to be thin... > > Now, being slightly overweight causes great depression for me... But, > realitically, I have had four boys... Of course I am going to have a stomach > with extra skin that wont go away... My mom always laughs at my breasts... (I > breast fed all my sons for 1 year each) and my breasts are a little saggy now... > She makes fun and says that if I dont get implants I will need to start buying > panty hose to use for bras... > > How does one build a self-esteem at the age of 31 without her NADA's voice > constantly in her head when its been there since she was born?... Personally, I > do not agree with all the plastic surgery my NADA goes through... I want to > learn to be happy with what God gave me... I want to be happy with the saggy > breasts that allowed me to breast feed my sons... > > Do any of you find yourselves trying to figure out who you would like to be or > who you are (and being happy) when that is against everything youve ever been > taught about yourself? I dont know about you but as a young child I thought my > NADA knew it all... Dont all small children look to their parents for the > answers? So how do you learn as an adult to throw all that rubbish in the can > and re-create an identity for yourself? Has anyone found something that worked > well in getting Nada's thoughts of you out of your head and creating a > self-identity based on what makes you happy? And what does make me happy? I have > always lived for HER happiness... NOT MINE! What does make me happy???? Good > question...!!! I would love any thoughts! > jen > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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