Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 that is so sad...it's sad about the other brother committing suicide, you have to wonder how many children of bpd there are that go this route. I wonder if there is some legal route you can take as far as the father having cancer, if she is keeping him like some kind of prisoner and only letting people see him on her terms. I wonder if you could get him a cell phone or something so that your husband can make arrangements to see him. If this is not possible it has to be accepted that choices that the father in law has made have lead to this point and that there may not be anything anyone can do about it and your husband may have to grieve this. You could postpone setting any hard limits as far as the mother goes until after the father has passed. As far as the sisters, it would be understandable if you cut off contact. If your husband was or is the painted black child the golden children generally will attack them too because they don't want to end up in the dreaded situation of being painted black themselves. My sister is like this towards me, she believes everything my father tells her event though he's basically a pathological liar. So we have no relationship and occasionally she will launch an attack on because-he portrays me as some kind of over-arching evil person he has to deal with. I wouldn't blame either one of you for going out of your way to just avoid dealing with them whatsoever. > > I'm new to this group, and I wanted to introduce myself and my situation. My mother-in-law is BPD, and I had never met anyone in my life like her before I got married. > > I thought things were a little strange when my husband and I first got married. A day or so before the wedding, she called me crying to tell me that my then fiance had been lying to me about who he was. She said he was out partying and going to strip clubs recently without me knowing, he had stolen money from her, etc etc. I now look back and realize that she was afraid of abandonment. She was afraid of losing her son to me. She told me that she wouldn't be going to my wedding because she couldn't go knowing that he had lied to me like that. > > Then she showed up at the wedding like nothing ever happened. She never mentioned it again. > > I thought I was going crazy for sure. One month into our marriage, we over drafted our bank account. After my husband had identified that she had access to his bank account and confronted her about 2 $700 withdrawals from an ATM in the same day and she denied, we reported the issue as fraud. Low and behold they identified her at the ATM using her ATM card to take $700 from our account - TWICE. > > It didn't take me long to realize that my husband had suffered the effects of being raised by this woman. There were situations (like the above examples) where I would tell him it's appropriate to confront her about what happened. He would not. He was afraid of her. > > I sat back for a few years of our marriage and let him manage his relationship with her. I watched her destroy him emotionally over and over again. She would take him through a cycle of love, blow up, no talking, and then love again like it never happened. He didn't know any different. > > I didn't care to change anything until we had two beautiful little boys. I wouldn't let anything negative happen to them. I would never do the things to them that she's done to my husband. Somehow, when they came along, I became a bit more protective about our relationship with her. At the same time, my father-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and my brother-in-law has committed suicide (no doubt because of the emotional trauma of having her as a mother). She has used these things as emotional ammo against my husband and everyone in the family. Whenever she feels attacked by me or my hub, she accuses us of being disrespectful to hub's dad with cancer. We aren't caring or aware of his condition, yet SHE has been beside him every step of the way. Then she'll hold him hostage. For example, hub's dad can't see us unless it's on her terms. > > Sigh. > > My husband has started therapy, and I'm just now starting to look into her borderline personality disorder and discover how I can keep up some limits and still have her and the dad in our lives. So far, if we have limits, she won't talk to us and we aren't allowed to have a relationship with the dad either. So far, she hasn't talked to us since Father's Day when she wrote my husband a text message accusing him of not making time for his father. Hubs finally stood up for himself by confronting the issue, and she blew up. > > My one question is this: It seems that the BPD person is very difficult to manage, but what is worse to me is that she also has a network of children that she uses against each other. My hubs has 4 siblings, 3 of them are sisters. His only brother committed suicide this last year. Every time something like this happens, the sisters band together to attack him. His mother has set it up this way. They are all so dependent on her approval, that they'll do anything to support her - even if they know in their hearts that she is wrong. > > How do you manage that? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 that is so sad...it's sad about the other brother committing suicide, you have to wonder how many children of bpd there are that go this route. I wonder if there is some legal route you can take as far as the father having cancer, if she is keeping him like some kind of prisoner and only letting people see him on her terms. I wonder if you could get him a cell phone or something so that your husband can make arrangements to see him. If this is not possible it has to be accepted that choices that the father in law has made have lead to this point and that there may not be anything anyone can do about it and your husband may have to grieve this. You could postpone setting any hard limits as far as the mother goes until after the father has passed. As far as the sisters, it would be understandable if you cut off contact. If your husband was or is the painted black child the golden children generally will attack them too because they don't want to end up in the dreaded situation of being painted black themselves. My sister is like this towards me, she believes everything my father tells her event though he's basically a pathological liar. So we have no relationship and occasionally she will launch an attack on because-he portrays me as some kind of over-arching evil person he has to deal with. I wouldn't blame either one of you for going out of your way to just avoid dealing with them whatsoever. > > I'm new to this group, and I wanted to introduce myself and my situation. My mother-in-law is BPD, and I had never met anyone in my life like her before I got married. > > I thought things were a little strange when my husband and I first got married. A day or so before the wedding, she called me crying to tell me that my then fiance had been lying to me about who he was. She said he was out partying and going to strip clubs recently without me knowing, he had stolen money from her, etc etc. I now look back and realize that she was afraid of abandonment. She was afraid of losing her son to me. She told me that she wouldn't be going to my wedding because she couldn't go knowing that he had lied to me like that. > > Then she showed up at the wedding like nothing ever happened. She never mentioned it again. > > I thought I was going crazy for sure. One month into our marriage, we over drafted our bank account. After my husband had identified that she had access to his bank account and confronted her about 2 $700 withdrawals from an ATM in the same day and she denied, we reported the issue as fraud. Low and behold they identified her at the ATM using her ATM card to take $700 from our account - TWICE. > > It didn't take me long to realize that my husband had suffered the effects of being raised by this woman. There were situations (like the above examples) where I would tell him it's appropriate to confront her about what happened. He would not. He was afraid of her. > > I sat back for a few years of our marriage and let him manage his relationship with her. I watched her destroy him emotionally over and over again. She would take him through a cycle of love, blow up, no talking, and then love again like it never happened. He didn't know any different. > > I didn't care to change anything until we had two beautiful little boys. I wouldn't let anything negative happen to them. I would never do the things to them that she's done to my husband. Somehow, when they came along, I became a bit more protective about our relationship with her. At the same time, my father-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and my brother-in-law has committed suicide (no doubt because of the emotional trauma of having her as a mother). She has used these things as emotional ammo against my husband and everyone in the family. Whenever she feels attacked by me or my hub, she accuses us of being disrespectful to hub's dad with cancer. We aren't caring or aware of his condition, yet SHE has been beside him every step of the way. Then she'll hold him hostage. For example, hub's dad can't see us unless it's on her terms. > > Sigh. > > My husband has started therapy, and I'm just now starting to look into her borderline personality disorder and discover how I can keep up some limits and still have her and the dad in our lives. So far, if we have limits, she won't talk to us and we aren't allowed to have a relationship with the dad either. So far, she hasn't talked to us since Father's Day when she wrote my husband a text message accusing him of not making time for his father. Hubs finally stood up for himself by confronting the issue, and she blew up. > > My one question is this: It seems that the BPD person is very difficult to manage, but what is worse to me is that she also has a network of children that she uses against each other. My hubs has 4 siblings, 3 of them are sisters. His only brother committed suicide this last year. Every time something like this happens, the sisters band together to attack him. His mother has set it up this way. They are all so dependent on her approval, that they'll do anything to support her - even if they know in their hearts that she is wrong. > > How do you manage that? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 that is so sad...it's sad about the other brother committing suicide, you have to wonder how many children of bpd there are that go this route. I wonder if there is some legal route you can take as far as the father having cancer, if she is keeping him like some kind of prisoner and only letting people see him on her terms. I wonder if you could get him a cell phone or something so that your husband can make arrangements to see him. If this is not possible it has to be accepted that choices that the father in law has made have lead to this point and that there may not be anything anyone can do about it and your husband may have to grieve this. You could postpone setting any hard limits as far as the mother goes until after the father has passed. As far as the sisters, it would be understandable if you cut off contact. If your husband was or is the painted black child the golden children generally will attack them too because they don't want to end up in the dreaded situation of being painted black themselves. My sister is like this towards me, she believes everything my father tells her event though he's basically a pathological liar. So we have no relationship and occasionally she will launch an attack on because-he portrays me as some kind of over-arching evil person he has to deal with. I wouldn't blame either one of you for going out of your way to just avoid dealing with them whatsoever. > > I'm new to this group, and I wanted to introduce myself and my situation. My mother-in-law is BPD, and I had never met anyone in my life like her before I got married. > > I thought things were a little strange when my husband and I first got married. A day or so before the wedding, she called me crying to tell me that my then fiance had been lying to me about who he was. She said he was out partying and going to strip clubs recently without me knowing, he had stolen money from her, etc etc. I now look back and realize that she was afraid of abandonment. She was afraid of losing her son to me. She told me that she wouldn't be going to my wedding because she couldn't go knowing that he had lied to me like that. > > Then she showed up at the wedding like nothing ever happened. She never mentioned it again. > > I thought I was going crazy for sure. One month into our marriage, we over drafted our bank account. After my husband had identified that she had access to his bank account and confronted her about 2 $700 withdrawals from an ATM in the same day and she denied, we reported the issue as fraud. Low and behold they identified her at the ATM using her ATM card to take $700 from our account - TWICE. > > It didn't take me long to realize that my husband had suffered the effects of being raised by this woman. There were situations (like the above examples) where I would tell him it's appropriate to confront her about what happened. He would not. He was afraid of her. > > I sat back for a few years of our marriage and let him manage his relationship with her. I watched her destroy him emotionally over and over again. She would take him through a cycle of love, blow up, no talking, and then love again like it never happened. He didn't know any different. > > I didn't care to change anything until we had two beautiful little boys. I wouldn't let anything negative happen to them. I would never do the things to them that she's done to my husband. Somehow, when they came along, I became a bit more protective about our relationship with her. At the same time, my father-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and my brother-in-law has committed suicide (no doubt because of the emotional trauma of having her as a mother). She has used these things as emotional ammo against my husband and everyone in the family. Whenever she feels attacked by me or my hub, she accuses us of being disrespectful to hub's dad with cancer. We aren't caring or aware of his condition, yet SHE has been beside him every step of the way. Then she'll hold him hostage. For example, hub's dad can't see us unless it's on her terms. > > Sigh. > > My husband has started therapy, and I'm just now starting to look into her borderline personality disorder and discover how I can keep up some limits and still have her and the dad in our lives. So far, if we have limits, she won't talk to us and we aren't allowed to have a relationship with the dad either. So far, she hasn't talked to us since Father's Day when she wrote my husband a text message accusing him of not making time for his father. Hubs finally stood up for himself by confronting the issue, and she blew up. > > My one question is this: It seems that the BPD person is very difficult to manage, but what is worse to me is that she also has a network of children that she uses against each other. My hubs has 4 siblings, 3 of them are sisters. His only brother committed suicide this last year. Every time something like this happens, the sisters band together to attack him. His mother has set it up this way. They are all so dependent on her approval, that they'll do anything to support her - even if they know in their hearts that she is wrong. > > How do you manage that? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 I wonder if any statistics are being kept about child/teen/adult suicide victims in relation to the victim's family of origin, specifically parental personality disorders ( or other mental illnesses like schizophrenia), a background of reported or suspected child abuse/neglect/endangerment when the victim was a minor, etc. A child death by battering, strangulation or drowning suggests " bpd " to me, since " extreme, inappropriate rage, rapid, unpredictable mood swings, black-and-white thinking, and transient breaks with reality " are all hallmark trait of bpd. Children who are neglected to death, on the other hand, seems like more of a narcissistic pd thing. The npd parent is too self-absorbed to provide adequate child care. (A dear friend of mine was neglected by her mother to the point where my friend developed rickets at about age 5. And it wasn't due to poverty or being a single mom, it was simply that my friend's mother was mentally ill and preferred my friend's older half-sister.) I don't know if statistics are being kept on such things, but I personally wouldn't be surprised if those who neglect or abuse their kids to death also turn out to have severe personality disorders. -Annie > > > > I'm new to this group, and I wanted to introduce myself and my situation. My mother-in-law is BPD, and I had never met anyone in my life like her before I got married. > > > > I thought things were a little strange when my husband and I first got married. A day or so before the wedding, she called me crying to tell me that my then fiance had been lying to me about who he was. She said he was out partying and going to strip clubs recently without me knowing, he had stolen money from her, etc etc. I now look back and realize that she was afraid of abandonment. She was afraid of losing her son to me. She told me that she wouldn't be going to my wedding because she couldn't go knowing that he had lied to me like that. > > > > Then she showed up at the wedding like nothing ever happened. She never mentioned it again. > > > > I thought I was going crazy for sure. One month into our marriage, we over drafted our bank account. After my husband had identified that she had access to his bank account and confronted her about 2 $700 withdrawals from an ATM in the same day and she denied, we reported the issue as fraud. Low and behold they identified her at the ATM using her ATM card to take $700 from our account - TWICE. > > > > It didn't take me long to realize that my husband had suffered the effects of being raised by this woman. There were situations (like the above examples) where I would tell him it's appropriate to confront her about what happened. He would not. He was afraid of her. > > > > I sat back for a few years of our marriage and let him manage his relationship with her. I watched her destroy him emotionally over and over again. She would take him through a cycle of love, blow up, no talking, and then love again like it never happened. He didn't know any different. > > > > I didn't care to change anything until we had two beautiful little boys. I wouldn't let anything negative happen to them. I would never do the things to them that she's done to my husband. Somehow, when they came along, I became a bit more protective about our relationship with her. At the same time, my father-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and my brother-in-law has committed suicide (no doubt because of the emotional trauma of having her as a mother). She has used these things as emotional ammo against my husband and everyone in the family. Whenever she feels attacked by me or my hub, she accuses us of being disrespectful to hub's dad with cancer. We aren't caring or aware of his condition, yet SHE has been beside him every step of the way. Then she'll hold him hostage. For example, hub's dad can't see us unless it's on her terms. > > > > Sigh. > > > > My husband has started therapy, and I'm just now starting to look into her borderline personality disorder and discover how I can keep up some limits and still have her and the dad in our lives. So far, if we have limits, she won't talk to us and we aren't allowed to have a relationship with the dad either. So far, she hasn't talked to us since Father's Day when she wrote my husband a text message accusing him of not making time for his father. Hubs finally stood up for himself by confronting the issue, and she blew up. > > > > My one question is this: It seems that the BPD person is very difficult to manage, but what is worse to me is that she also has a network of children that she uses against each other. My hubs has 4 siblings, 3 of them are sisters. His only brother committed suicide this last year. Every time something like this happens, the sisters band together to attack him. His mother has set it up this way. They are all so dependent on her approval, that they'll do anything to support her - even if they know in their hearts that she is wrong. > > > > How do you manage that? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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