Guest guest Posted September 17, 2010 Report Share Posted September 17, 2010 Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed with guilt that I'm worse off than before. Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with her much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the apologies. As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her, because I just leave/hang up. The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less, now. Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that, I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do. Casey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2010 Report Share Posted September 17, 2010 (((((((((Casey)))))))) You have normal human empathy; please don't beat yourself up for having a tender heart. I totally get how truly difficult it is to have a nada who can sometimes really pull out all the stops and cry like her heart is breaking, and beg for forgiveness and seem to be genuinely remorseful. Mine can do that; her sobbing and begging could tear at my sympathy and guilt and make me want to try again. I kept coming back like a yo-yo for more abuse, for so many decades. I guess that for me it was just... cumulative. Decades of blow-ups out of nowhere, decades of tearful apologies, decades of sly insults, back-handed compliments, shaming and humiliating false accusations, decades of name-calling, and decades of more tearful apologies... I guess the last insult was simply the one final straw that broke the camel's back, for me. She squeezed the very last drop of empathy and trust out of me. There's nothing left. My Sister found a good compromise for herself RE our nada. Sister cut back to one in-person visit a month. She goes over on a Saturday or Sunday and spends about 4-6 hours taking nada out shopping or visiting, and usually to a restaurant. Its hard to believe, but our nada seems much better behaved now than she was when Sister was knocking herself out coming over several times a week!! Perhaps its finally registered with nada that she is on perpetual probation and could lose even the once-a-month visit if she treats Sister badly. This delightful improvement in nada's behaviors also coincided with my going virtually no-contact with her. I'm sure nada figured out that if she has only one child left who is willing to speak to her and spend time with her, nada had better be nice to Sister or she really will be completely abandoned. I hope you can find something that will be tolerable for you. Maybe try a once a month only visit, like my Sister does. Best of luck to you. -Annie > > Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed with guilt that I'm worse off than before. > > Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with her much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the apologies. > > As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her, because I just leave/hang up. > > The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less, now. > > Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that, I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do. > > Casey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2010 Report Share Posted September 17, 2010 (((((((((Casey)))))))) You have normal human empathy; please don't beat yourself up for having a tender heart. I totally get how truly difficult it is to have a nada who can sometimes really pull out all the stops and cry like her heart is breaking, and beg for forgiveness and seem to be genuinely remorseful. Mine can do that; her sobbing and begging could tear at my sympathy and guilt and make me want to try again. I kept coming back like a yo-yo for more abuse, for so many decades. I guess that for me it was just... cumulative. Decades of blow-ups out of nowhere, decades of tearful apologies, decades of sly insults, back-handed compliments, shaming and humiliating false accusations, decades of name-calling, and decades of more tearful apologies... I guess the last insult was simply the one final straw that broke the camel's back, for me. She squeezed the very last drop of empathy and trust out of me. There's nothing left. My Sister found a good compromise for herself RE our nada. Sister cut back to one in-person visit a month. She goes over on a Saturday or Sunday and spends about 4-6 hours taking nada out shopping or visiting, and usually to a restaurant. Its hard to believe, but our nada seems much better behaved now than she was when Sister was knocking herself out coming over several times a week!! Perhaps its finally registered with nada that she is on perpetual probation and could lose even the once-a-month visit if she treats Sister badly. This delightful improvement in nada's behaviors also coincided with my going virtually no-contact with her. I'm sure nada figured out that if she has only one child left who is willing to speak to her and spend time with her, nada had better be nice to Sister or she really will be completely abandoned. I hope you can find something that will be tolerable for you. Maybe try a once a month only visit, like my Sister does. Best of luck to you. -Annie > > Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed with guilt that I'm worse off than before. > > Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with her much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the apologies. > > As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her, because I just leave/hang up. > > The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less, now. > > Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that, I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do. > > Casey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 17, 2010 Report Share Posted September 17, 2010 (((((((((Casey)))))))) You have normal human empathy; please don't beat yourself up for having a tender heart. I totally get how truly difficult it is to have a nada who can sometimes really pull out all the stops and cry like her heart is breaking, and beg for forgiveness and seem to be genuinely remorseful. Mine can do that; her sobbing and begging could tear at my sympathy and guilt and make me want to try again. I kept coming back like a yo-yo for more abuse, for so many decades. I guess that for me it was just... cumulative. Decades of blow-ups out of nowhere, decades of tearful apologies, decades of sly insults, back-handed compliments, shaming and humiliating false accusations, decades of name-calling, and decades of more tearful apologies... I guess the last insult was simply the one final straw that broke the camel's back, for me. She squeezed the very last drop of empathy and trust out of me. There's nothing left. My Sister found a good compromise for herself RE our nada. Sister cut back to one in-person visit a month. She goes over on a Saturday or Sunday and spends about 4-6 hours taking nada out shopping or visiting, and usually to a restaurant. Its hard to believe, but our nada seems much better behaved now than she was when Sister was knocking herself out coming over several times a week!! Perhaps its finally registered with nada that she is on perpetual probation and could lose even the once-a-month visit if she treats Sister badly. This delightful improvement in nada's behaviors also coincided with my going virtually no-contact with her. I'm sure nada figured out that if she has only one child left who is willing to speak to her and spend time with her, nada had better be nice to Sister or she really will be completely abandoned. I hope you can find something that will be tolerable for you. Maybe try a once a month only visit, like my Sister does. Best of luck to you. -Annie > > Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed with guilt that I'm worse off than before. > > Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with her much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the apologies. > > As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her, because I just leave/hang up. > > The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less, now. > > Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that, I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do. > > Casey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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