Rejecting the whole mentality

[Guest guest]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to share a big realization I had last night in case anyone else here

can relate. Sorry, this is not me at my finest.

I've been on the IE path since last Spring with ups and downs, but I know that I

NEVER want to go back to the diet mentality.

Not sure if others here share this particular demon, but since highschool I not

only was a binger but also a purger. Laxatives and vomiting were my way of

" justifying " all I had consumed. As I got older, married, children, now

divorced, I did get smarter and purging became pretty rare, but my secret is - I

still do it. I barely even acknowledge it to myself so it is strange to type it

here.

Yesterday, I binged. I'm starting to date again, and it is sooo scary. I am

aware that is the emotion I am supressing with food. Like a late night robot, I

ate and ate and felt sick and looked for my pack of laxatives and realized there

were only two pills left.

Step 1 of IE is reject the diet mentality - I did that. I realized last night

that I never rejected this other mentality - whatever you want to call it - but

it's an unhealthy mentality that I am still holding onto.

I'm sharing my shameful secret because I'm thinking that we need to reject not

just the diet mentality, but any habits or secrets of our old ways. Some we

don't even realize we do until we have to choose between going to the store to

keep the habit alive or finally give up the habit.

Tell me if this makes sense - IE is about being gentle with yourself. Yet what

I have been doing (not often but still) isn't being gentle - it's abusing myself

in a way.

I'm fully aware that purging like that doesn't get out all the calories and

isn't healthy. It takes me days to get back on track with IE after doing it.

So I'm not going to buy more, and that scares me. My entire adult life I've

held onto this. It's been my " back up plan " for when I completely fall off the

IE wagon.

Hope I didn't gross anyone out. Thanks for reading