Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 I'm new to this group, and I wanted to introduce myself and my situation. My mother-in-law is BPD, and I had never met anyone in my life like her before I got married. I thought things were a little strange when my husband and I first got married. A day or so before the wedding, she called me crying to tell me that my then fiance had been lying to me about who he was. She said he was out partying and going to strip clubs recently without me knowing, he had stolen money from her, etc etc. I now look back and realize that she was afraid of abandonment. She was afraid of losing her son to me. She told me that she wouldn't be going to my wedding because she couldn't go knowing that he had lied to me like that. Then she showed up at the wedding like nothing ever happened. She never mentioned it again. I thought I was going crazy for sure. One month into our marriage, we over drafted our bank account. After my husband had identified that she had access to his bank account and confronted her about 2 $700 withdrawals from an ATM in the same day and she denied, we reported the issue as fraud. Low and behold they identified her at the ATM using her ATM card to take $700 from our account - TWICE. It didn't take me long to realize that my husband had suffered the effects of being raised by this woman. There were situations (like the above examples) where I would tell him it's appropriate to confront her about what happened. He would not. He was afraid of her. I sat back for a few years of our marriage and let him manage his relationship with her. I watched her destroy him emotionally over and over again. She would take him through a cycle of love, blow up, no talking, and then love again like it never happened. He didn't know any different. I didn't care to change anything until we had two beautiful little boys. I wouldn't let anything negative happen to them. I would never do the things to them that she's done to my husband. Somehow, when they came along, I became a bit more protective about our relationship with her. At the same time, my father-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and my brother-in-law has committed suicide (no doubt because of the emotional trauma of having her as a mother). She has used these things as emotional ammo against my husband and everyone in the family. Whenever she feels attacked by me or my hub, she accuses us of being disrespectful to hub's dad with cancer. We aren't caring or aware of his condition, yet SHE has been beside him every step of the way. Then she'll hold him hostage. For example, hub's dad can't see us unless it's on her terms. Sigh. My husband has started therapy, and I'm just now starting to look into her borderline personality disorder and discover how I can keep up some limits and still have her and the dad in our lives. So far, if we have limits, she won't talk to us and we aren't allowed to have a relationship with the dad either. So far, she hasn't talked to us since Father's Day when she wrote my husband a text message accusing him of not making time for his father. Hubs finally stood up for himself by confronting the issue, and she blew up. My one question is this: It seems that the BPD person is very difficult to manage, but what is worse to me is that she also has a network of children that she uses against each other. My hubs has 4 siblings, 3 of them are sisters. His only brother committed suicide this last year. Every time something like this happens, the sisters band together to attack him. His mother has set it up this way. They are all so dependent on her approval, that they'll do anything to support her - even if they know in their hearts that she is wrong. How do you manage that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 16, 2010 Report Share Posted September 16, 2010 Hi Norwaymeg, Welcome to the Group. I agree; the behaviors you're describing in your mil do sound very bpd-like to me. You're asking some very good questions, and there are several members here who, like yourself, have discovered that they've unfortunately acquired a bpd mother in law. I'll leave it to those with more relevant experience to share how they're handling that particular situation. All I can offer is that you can't expect to change another person's behaviors, all you can do is change how you, yourself, respond to them. You have the right to decide how much contact you can tolerate (if any) and what your boundaries are (such as " no name-calling " or " no histrionics in public " , etc.) And for sure you get to make the rules and boundaries for your own children RE their grandparents: how much contact (if any) and under what conditions (such as " supervised only " ). You already have a lot of insight on bpd and how being raised by a bpd mom has affected your husband and his remaining sibs. That's so great that you're in his corner and supportive but you're handing him the reins RE how he wants to manage his relationship with her. Do you think your husband would be open to reading some of the informative books about bpd and managing a relationship with a person with severe personality disorder? There are several good ones out there. " Stop Walking On Eggshells " , " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and " Surviving A Borderline Parent " are all good. AGain, welcome. You've found a bunch of people here who " get it. " -Annie > > I'm new to this group, and I wanted to introduce myself and my situation. My mother-in-law is BPD, and I had never met anyone in my life like her before I got married. > > I thought things were a little strange when my husband and I first got married. A day or so before the wedding, she called me crying to tell me that my then fiance had been lying to me about who he was. She said he was out partying and going to strip clubs recently without me knowing, he had stolen money from her, etc etc. I now look back and realize that she was afraid of abandonment. She was afraid of losing her son to me. She told me that she wouldn't be going to my wedding because she couldn't go knowing that he had lied to me like that. > > Then she showed up at the wedding like nothing ever happened. She never mentioned it again. > > I thought I was going crazy for sure. One month into our marriage, we over drafted our bank account. After my husband had identified that she had access to his bank account and confronted her about 2 $700 withdrawals from an ATM in the same day and she denied, we reported the issue as fraud. Low and behold they identified her at the ATM using her ATM card to take $700 from our account - TWICE. > > It didn't take me long to realize that my husband had suffered the effects of being raised by this woman. There were situations (like the above examples) where I would tell him it's appropriate to confront her about what happened. He would not. He was afraid of her. > > I sat back for a few years of our marriage and let him manage his relationship with her. I watched her destroy him emotionally over and over again. She would take him through a cycle of love, blow up, no talking, and then love again like it never happened. He didn't know any different. > > I didn't care to change anything until we had two beautiful little boys. I wouldn't let anything negative happen to them. I would never do the things to them that she's done to my husband. Somehow, when they came along, I became a bit more protective about our relationship with her. At the same time, my father-in-law has been diagnosed with cancer and my brother-in-law has committed suicide (no doubt because of the emotional trauma of having her as a mother). She has used these things as emotional ammo against my husband and everyone in the family. Whenever she feels attacked by me or my hub, she accuses us of being disrespectful to hub's dad with cancer. We aren't caring or aware of his condition, yet SHE has been beside him every step of the way. Then she'll hold him hostage. For example, hub's dad can't see us unless it's on her terms. > > Sigh. > > My husband has started therapy, and I'm just now starting to look into her borderline personality disorder and discover how I can keep up some limits and still have her and the dad in our lives. So far, if we have limits, she won't talk to us and we aren't allowed to have a relationship with the dad either. So far, she hasn't talked to us since Father's Day when she wrote my husband a text message accusing him of not making time for his father. Hubs finally stood up for himself by confronting the issue, and she blew up. > > My one question is this: It seems that the BPD person is very difficult to manage, but what is worse to me is that she also has a network of children that she uses against each other. My hubs has 4 siblings, 3 of them are sisters. His only brother committed suicide this last year. Every time something like this happens, the sisters band together to attack him. His mother has set it up this way. They are all so dependent on her approval, that they'll do anything to support her - even if they know in their hearts that she is wrong. > > How do you manage that? > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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