Re: Re: Trying to process things and feeling I don't understand

[Guest guest]

ok...I hear ya..that sank in

What I've done what, she's done..all that is irrelevant. She doesn't live

by the rules of humanity...just what ever she feels like. It's best to

count my losses now and move on. The only piece of this family I can change

is me.

((((Annie)))) Thank you:)

Stefanie

On Fri, Sep 3, 2010 at 4:00 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Yes, its the blatant, in-your-face unfairness that is so galling and

> heart-piercingly sad. Your feelings of being treated unjustly are quite

> valid. You HAVE been treated unfairly. To feel upset and hurt and rejected

> and all those feelings is normal.

>

> All I'm saying is that there's nothing you can do to change the way your

> mother ill-treats you, all you can do is not accept it anymore. When she

> says " jump " you don't have to respond " how high? " any longer. All your life

> you've been asking her, " If I do this for you, will you love me? " and the

> answer has seemingly always been " No. "

>

> The way she treats you has nothing to do with you, yourself, and it has

> nothing to do with what you've done or not done for her. So continuing to

> knock yourself out to try and please her is pointless. She has demonstrated

> over and over again that she is incapable of appreciating your efforts. At

> the same time, your brother has done nothing to earn his special, elevated

> treatment, either. I'm guessing that IF your brother were to steal her blind

> or beat her to a pulp, she'd only say, " Oh, he didn't mean it. He's a good

> boy, he's mother's angel. (etc.) " Her reactions have little if anything to

> do with reality and everything to do with her internal, mentally ill,

> fantasy version of her life.

>

> The only way I can think of to give you a chance at receiving any fraction

> of whatever is left over when your nada passes away (if there's anything

> left at all, that is) is to make an ally of your brother now, and hopefully

> he will feel like sharing with you whatever nada leaves him.

>

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi all.

> > > >

> > > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > > >

> > > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with

> her

> > > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those

> for

> > > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she

> never

> > > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > > chair for me.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > > scrounge and save.

> > > >

> > > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > > >

> > > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > > >

> > > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > > >

> > > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > > horrifies me!

> > > >

> > > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > > was to call her.

> > > >

> > > > I'm so confused...

> > > >

> > > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but

> I

> > > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when

> my

> > > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > > >

> > > > Stefanie

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

ok...I hear ya..that sank in

What I've done what, she's done..all that is irrelevant. She doesn't live

by the rules of humanity...just what ever she feels like. It's best to

count my losses now and move on. The only piece of this family I can change

is me.

((((Annie)))) Thank you:)

Stefanie

On Fri, Sep 3, 2010 at 4:00 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Yes, its the blatant, in-your-face unfairness that is so galling and

> heart-piercingly sad. Your feelings of being treated unjustly are quite

> valid. You HAVE been treated unfairly. To feel upset and hurt and rejected

> and all those feelings is normal.

>

> All I'm saying is that there's nothing you can do to change the way your

> mother ill-treats you, all you can do is not accept it anymore. When she

> says " jump " you don't have to respond " how high? " any longer. All your life

> you've been asking her, " If I do this for you, will you love me? " and the

> answer has seemingly always been " No. "

>

> The way she treats you has nothing to do with you, yourself, and it has

> nothing to do with what you've done or not done for her. So continuing to

> knock yourself out to try and please her is pointless. She has demonstrated

> over and over again that she is incapable of appreciating your efforts. At

> the same time, your brother has done nothing to earn his special, elevated

> treatment, either. I'm guessing that IF your brother were to steal her blind

> or beat her to a pulp, she'd only say, " Oh, he didn't mean it. He's a good

> boy, he's mother's angel. (etc.) " Her reactions have little if anything to

> do with reality and everything to do with her internal, mentally ill,

> fantasy version of her life.

>

> The only way I can think of to give you a chance at receiving any fraction

> of whatever is left over when your nada passes away (if there's anything

> left at all, that is) is to make an ally of your brother now, and hopefully

> he will feel like sharing with you whatever nada leaves him.

>

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi all.

> > > >

> > > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > > >

> > > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with

> her

> > > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those

> for

> > > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she

> never

> > > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > > chair for me.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > > scrounge and save.

> > > >

> > > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > > >

> > > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > > >

> > > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > > >

> > > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > > horrifies me!

> > > >

> > > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > > was to call her.

> > > >

> > > > I'm so confused...

> > > >

> > > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but

> I

> > > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when

> my

> > > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > > >

> > > > Stefanie

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

ok...I hear ya..that sank in

What I've done what, she's done..all that is irrelevant. She doesn't live

by the rules of humanity...just what ever she feels like. It's best to

count my losses now and move on. The only piece of this family I can change

is me.

((((Annie)))) Thank you:)

Stefanie

On Fri, Sep 3, 2010 at 4:00 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Yes, its the blatant, in-your-face unfairness that is so galling and

> heart-piercingly sad. Your feelings of being treated unjustly are quite

> valid. You HAVE been treated unfairly. To feel upset and hurt and rejected

> and all those feelings is normal.

>

> All I'm saying is that there's nothing you can do to change the way your

> mother ill-treats you, all you can do is not accept it anymore. When she

> says " jump " you don't have to respond " how high? " any longer. All your life

> you've been asking her, " If I do this for you, will you love me? " and the

> answer has seemingly always been " No. "

>

> The way she treats you has nothing to do with you, yourself, and it has

> nothing to do with what you've done or not done for her. So continuing to

> knock yourself out to try and please her is pointless. She has demonstrated

> over and over again that she is incapable of appreciating your efforts. At

> the same time, your brother has done nothing to earn his special, elevated

> treatment, either. I'm guessing that IF your brother were to steal her blind

> or beat her to a pulp, she'd only say, " Oh, he didn't mean it. He's a good

> boy, he's mother's angel. (etc.) " Her reactions have little if anything to

> do with reality and everything to do with her internal, mentally ill,

> fantasy version of her life.

>

> The only way I can think of to give you a chance at receiving any fraction

> of whatever is left over when your nada passes away (if there's anything

> left at all, that is) is to make an ally of your brother now, and hopefully

> he will feel like sharing with you whatever nada leaves him.

>

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi all.

> > > >

> > > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > > >

> > > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > > her.

> > > >

> > > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with

> her

> > > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those

> for

> > > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she

> never

> > > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > > chair for me.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > > scrounge and save.

> > > >

> > > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > > >

> > > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > > >

> > > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > > >

> > > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > > horrifies me!

> > > >

> > > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > > was to call her.

> > > >

> > > > I'm so confused...

> > > >

> > > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but

> I

> > > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when

> my

> > > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > > >

> > > > Stefanie

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >