Re: nadas end of life

September 2, 2010

Jill, thanks for your reply it sounds like you've got a level of separation that

works for you with your nada. I've heard that being the oldest and being an

only child is quite similar, but I guess you got the job of looking out for

younger siblings too. Even though I feel guilty for saying it, I can't say

how much I wish I had another sibling like your brother who would take on being

my nada's main goto person. Of course that person suffers, and there's issues

of survivor guilt around that I would guess. And you are right taking care of

your children is the normal and healthy priority now.

Scout, thanks for the vote for independence. It's part of the culture I was

raised in but as an only child from a poor family it is hard for me to just say

I've got no responsibility. Bad things happen to elderly poor without someone

to look out for them - they really do. My nada is not the kind that has the

charm and skills to rope in new people. So that is where I wrestle with what

feels right to do and what I can live with and what won't make me crazy! OH

addding - yes when I read the story I thought *if only* I'd had a mother that

high functioning. I'm sure I wouldn't have enjoyed the control freak part, but

growing up in a dirty home and getting picked on in school was no picnic for me

either. Good on you for having such incredible organizational skills in the

face of starting out that way.

Annie, so if you were an only child, would feel a sense of duty? How would you

negotiate that with your mental safety? I know it's hypothetical but just

curious. It seems some nadas have done things so awful that it negates any

obligations, but if it's underneath that but still bad the gray area gets

confusing.

Ninera, it's certainly your right not to take care of her - it's such a personal

decision based on your individual situation and culture too. Also her being

without family will never be because of your decision alone but also your

brother's decision too - and of course those come as results of *her* actions of

the years.

Thanks Elora, I guess what I struggle with is just that most of the stuff within

my FOO is not spectacularly clearly awful. It is a quiet awful, a subtly

water-torture kind of awful most of the time. Waif/Hermit are the main themes.

I find it hard to get others to understand even therapists sometimes the full

dimension of what goes on.

>

> Emotional abuse leaves scars too. One thing that we KOs tend to forget is that

our feelings are valid, that we count. It was pounded into us growing up that we

didn't matter.

>

> You are entitled to how you feel.

September 2, 2010

To be perfectly honest, I don't know how things would have turned out if I'd

been an only child. I have speculated on occasion that if I'd been born male or

had been an only child (particularly an only son) I probably would have killed

myself a long time ago out of sheer enmeshment/spousification, or from thinking

that I must be as worthless and disappointing as my nada told me I was and

having nobody to corroborate my memories of abuse. My little Sister is my

reality check. After all, nada was always the perfect mother, so I must be

crazy to remember such things. So if I were an only, I'd probably be long gone

by the time of nada's end-of-life needs.

-Annie

> Annie, so if you were an only child, would feel a sense of duty? How would

you negotiate that with your mental safety? I know it's hypothetical but just

curious. It seems some nadas have done things so awful that it negates any

obligations, but if it's underneath that but still bad the gray area gets

confusing.

September 3, 2010

I AM an only child and I can tell you that it is probably worse hell knowing you

shared not only the BRUNT of the abuses, insults; degradation at times; control

and all the other things that my nada heaped on me. There was no one else for

her to pick on and to this day, of course, there is no one else for her to pick

on except her one sister who is also BPD I believe and they pick on each other.

To the outside world, nada is a frail, helpless, emaciated little sweet old lady

who needs their help which a few willingly give. She has alienated most though

by being demanding of their time once she gets close to them and she feels they

will do anything for her because they LOVE her and what's not to love. I am

grateful there are still three people who are neighbors who she has not

alienated but other than that she has no one now as most of her family has died

off.

I have found the only way to deal with nada, which may sound bizarre to some on

here but it works, is to have written a letter detailing all the abuses, etc.

that nada has heaped on me since birth up to the present; burn it and send it to

the ethers with " I will no longer allow your mouth and behaviors to effect me " .

I also surround myself with God's White Light in a bubble all around me

(visualizing it) and say out loud 'what ever nasty, vicious or accusatory

things you say to me may they bounce off me and go right back to you' and

believe me, it works also! Now when she starts to get verbally abusive or

accusatory for some insane made up thing in her mind that she is about to say to

me, she stops for some reason or other and I don't have to hear it. While our

relationship will always remain superficial at best and she will never know how

I truly feel (what's the point), at least I am doing much better with her.

I also suggest talking to other people who you CAN confide in about your nadas

and get it out there. Most can't comprehend what you went through and are going

through as they never lived it but a few might and this group is also a great

place to vent.

These have kept me sane and not wanting to go down and strangle or poison nada

(not that I would be sometimes I have wanted to though would never act on it),

but of late of course with the 'white light' these feelings have disappeared.

The end of a life is never easy but made much worse I feel when you have an

extremely mentally ill nada to deal with who is self-destructing and part of you

wants to try to fix it and the other part of you says she is entitled to live

her life the way she wants even if it IS to her detriment and you have to let it

go. Letting it goes wins with me. To do anything else is beating your head

against a wall and it feels good when you stop.

September 3, 2010

Hi Marilyn, that is awesome that you've found some techniques to deflect all the

crap your nada sends your way. I have done the shielding/white light, but the

problem for me is mostly not what my nada sends towards me but what she attempts

to take or to elicit me to give. She is a waif extraordinaire.

>

> I AM an only child and I can tell you that it is probably worse hell knowing

you shared not only the BRUNT of the abuses, insults; degradation at times;

control and all the other things that my nada heaped on me. There was no one

else for her to pick on and to this day, of course, there is no one else for her

to pick on except her one sister who is also BPD I believe and they pick on each

other. To the outside world, nada is a frail, helpless, emaciated little sweet

old lady who needs their help which a few willingly give. She has alienated

most though by being demanding of their time once she gets close to them and she

feels they will do anything for her because they LOVE her and what's not to

love. I am grateful there are still three people who are neighbors who she has

not alienated but other than that she has no one now as most of her family has

died off.

>

> I have found the only way to deal with nada, which may sound bizarre to some

on here but it works, is to have written a letter detailing all the abuses, etc.