Re: Starting my journey

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Welcome to the Group. You've found a bunch of other people who have experienced

very similar behaviors with our own mothers that you describe having with yours.

We understand how horribly stressful, frustrating and difficult bpd behaviors

are. (A lot of us refer to our bpd mom as " nada " , its just shorthand for " bpd

mom = not a mom " )

It really does help to know that you're not the only person who has been

experiencing this kind of emotionally abusive treatment from your parent or

parents. Whether your mother has been formally diagnosed or not, its the

behaviors that tell the story.

Kudos to you for accepting that your mother needs to be supervised while

visiting your children, that shows a lot of character and inner strength on your

part.

You'll find a lot of emotional support and validation here as you travel your

road toward healing.

It seems to help a lot of us to read the various books about bpd, particularly

" Understanding the Borderline Mother " , and " Surviving a Borderline Parent " , and

the books by this Group's owner Randi Kreger, " Stop Walking On Eggshells " and

her newer books.

Only you can decide whether maintaining low contact, which involves setting up

and maintaining/enforcing boundaries will work for you, or whether you need to

either temporarily or permanently go total " No Contact. " Its a very personal

decision; some people here can work with Low Contact, and others need No

Contact.

Anyway, welcome. This is a good place to vent, express your thoughts, share

your insights and get a variety of feedback and support.

-Annie

>

> Right now I am just beginning my journey and therapy to heal. My mother is

> a BPD parent. Sorry this will be long.

>

> Growing up it was all about mom. She often used emotional blackmail and

> verbal abuse in order to control behaviors that went against her wishes.

> She called me fat at 125 lbs, " what's wrong with you? " , allowed my brother

> and herself to invade my privacy and destroy my things, and announced to the

> world that her daughter is so horrible to her(exaggerating humiliating

> stories).

>

> In the past two years it has spiraled out of control. When my first

> daughter was born I agreed to have my mother there. My birth became about

> her and she even tried to guilt me because she missed work to be at the

> birth. She immediately started abusing me verbally in front of my

> daughter. Once she threatened suicide in front of my daughter when she was

> 1 1/2. She demands that she has " right " to my children. She wanted my

> daughter(and now both daughters) unsupervised. Even in my home she will not

> respect our wishes. She gives my daughter candy when I turn my back and

> tells her that I am wrong or mean. With my niece she gets unsupervised it

> is worse. She has left her alone with 2 mean dogs, puts her in an unsafe

> car-seat, and smokes in a closed car with her. Needless to say she has

> never been allowed to have my kids unsupervised.

>

> When my 2nd daughter was born she made it clear she didn't want to be there

> this time(and I didn't want her there). She did call me at the hospital to

> tell me all the horrible ways I could die and how worried she was. I hung

> up. She refused to see my new daughter for 3 days and when she did she gave

> me a letter. 3 pages of abuse including how I treat her like ****, denied

> her her " right " to be at my birth, denied her " rights " to my children, and

> she will no longer see my children unless it's on her terms(we have to take

> the children to her ect.) We had no contact for 4 months after this.

>

> Last month she called and sounded calm on the message. I called her back

> prepared to discuss boundaries calmly to try and restore a relationship

> between grandma and grand kids. She immediately demanded to see the kids.

> I said we need to discuss the boundaries. She started screaming that she

> was a great mother and never did anything wrong. I tried to explain what

> was hurtful in the letter. I eventually lost my temper and called her

> abusive. She screamed that I ruined her life and I hung up(she was leading

> into a suicide threat).

>

> 2 weeks ago my aunt/her sister called to ask what was going on. I explained

> and she agreed that my mother needs to respect boundaries BUT I need to be

> responsible for fixing the relationship(I made it very clear that she is

> being unreasonable). That I will regret how badly I am treating her, I am

> depriving my children, and offered to mediate a meeting(so they can gang up

> and convince me I am bad).

>

> Right now I have just started therapy. I am trying to decide weather or not

> to end the relationship with my mother, if I decide to maintain a

> relationship how to go about it, how to handle other family members who are

> getting involved or to end relationships with them as well. I will not put

> my kids in danger to make her happy and I can no longer handle the stress

> and negative feelings alone.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh my! It is so nice to know I am not crazy or mean or a " bad daughter " .

* " Kudos to you for accepting that your mother needs to be supervised while

visiting your children, that shows a lot of character and inner strength on

your part. " *

This was automatic almost. The day I went into labor with my first I became

mama bear. It no longer mattered what others thought I was going to protect

my kid(s). I may compromise on little details but when safety is a concern

it's my way or the highway.

* " It seems to help a lot of us to read the various books about bpd,

particularly " Understanding the Borderline Mother " , and " Surviving a

Borderline Parent " , and the books by this Group's owner Randi Kreger, " Stop

Walking On Eggshells " and her newer books. " *

My therapist recommended and I bought all three. That's actually where I

discovered this site. I am working on reading them now.

* " When I had my last child, she didn't like the name. Grant, she wanted

Blake. I didn't " *

Wow, maybe we have the same mom? First she kept pushing Cody if it was a

boy but we have a bird named Cody and she could not understand why I

wouldn't name a child after a pet. Then with my second we at first picked

Quinn Lana. My mother played dumb and kept using Quinn Laden claiming she

can't remember. We ended up changing her name to Cora so my mother couldn't

do that.

* " I was her target. Sounds like you are too! " *

I have become her only target due to setting boundaries. That is why the

situation with her has escalated so much. I have " ruined her life " (her

words) by keeping her from unlimited access to " her grand-babies " . She, of

course, feels she is in no way responsible for the situation.

* " It matters more to her that she gets what she wants than she sees the

grandkids on our terms (i.e. under supervision and not at her house). " *

Once again is this my mom? This is it exactly. A reasonable person would

realize that even if they don't agree with the parents they must respect

their wishes in order to spend time with them. My mother is more concerned

with seeing them on her terms and when not allowed will go without. We

started with no unsupervised time but later had to add the not at her house

part after 2 experiences. First she called before Christmas and demanded

that we change all our plans because it's " her right to have Christmas at

her house with the kids " . We compromised and had a Christmas dinner at her

house the day after. Second, a few months later we went to her house for a

dinner and she demanded " my house my rules " as a way to do what she wanted

with the kids. She even told me I am not allowed to discipline my daughter

in her house.

* If you get the chance, and can do so safely, you might try to impart a

little of what you've observed to your niece's parents, so they can rethink

letting their child be unsupervised with your mother.

*We have tried this but my brother falls into the " she's just saying this to

hurt mom " camp. We even considered calling the authorities but realized

they cannot do anything without evidence and there is no evidence.