Re: Trying to process things and feeling I don't understand

September 3, 2010

Girlscout and Annie thank you for you responses. Logically I know you ladies

are right. But my emotions are not listening to logic.

I feel screwed over by my mother. 3 years ago when my father died she gave

my brother all his gold, his guns, fishing stuff and tools ..right in

front of me. I said can't I have something to remember him by too. She said

he's the boy in the family he should get all Dad things. I said what about

his grandson (my son). So on my way out of the house that day I grabbed my

dads baseball cap and the key chain he was using ..it's all I have left of

his.

Don't get me wrong I'm not those type of people the want things...I

personally find more joy in giving things. I don't NEED anything my mother

has. Other then the few times I mentioned I don't ask for anything..even

when I have desperately needed things/help. It just gets me mad that there

is this double standard...She has always expected me to do everything for.

but she expect very little from my brother....and gives him everything he

wants...You're right Annie is so unfair

Stefanie

On Fri, Sep 3, 2010 at 2:03 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

> ((((((Stefanie))))))

> I understand how you are feeling. Your whole life has been about trying to

> " earn " some love and attention from your mother, trying so hard, but she

> only gave love and attention and approval and rewards to your brother. The

> unfairness of that is heart-breaking.

>

> Some nadas only identify with and cherish one of their children. The role

> of this " golden child " is to carry all the bpd mom's good feelings about

> herself. Another child will be assigned the role of the " scapegoat " (aka the

> " painted black " , or " all-bad " child). This child carries all of the bpd

> mom's unwanted bad feelings and opinions about herself. Its all about nada,

> or bpd-mom, as usual.

>

> The assignments are made for reasons only the person with bpd knows, but I

> imagine that at least some of this role-assigning behavior is subconscious.

> The bottom line is that the person with bpd is unable to relate to her

> children as the individual human beings that they actually are; instead her

> children are merely reflections of herself, or objects that she assigns

> roles to. So how you are treated by your bpd mother has little or nothing to

> do with who you are as a person, or what you have or haven't done, or how

> " good " or " bad " you are.

>

> So you and your brother are more like props in her own internal stage play

> starring nada, than anything else.

>

> Its heart-breaking to finally realize that it doesn't matter how hard you

> try, that your bpd mom isn't going to think any better of you.

>

> I think its understandable for you to want to receive your fair share of

> her material goods when she passes away, but if you set your whole mind and

> heart on this reward my guess is that you are likely to be hurt and

> disappointed. My suggestion is to not set yourself up for this

> disappointment and make the emotional break now. You've already been shown

> that your mother will give your brother anything he asks for, and so she

> will probably leave him all her material goods in her will, if there is

> anything left when she passes away.

>

> If you can decide, or choose to decide that there is nothing you want or

> need from your mother, at all, neither her love nor her material goods, then

> I think you will wind up in a more peaceful place about it.

>

> Just my two cents worth. Each person has to decide what she or he can live

> with, can tolerate, or not. Its an individual choice.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

> > Hi all.

> >

> > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> >

> > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > her.

> >

> > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > chair for me.

> >

> > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > scrounge and save.

> >

> > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > usually ends up with the girl.

> >

> > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> >

> > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> >

> > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > horrifies me!

> >

> > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > was to call her.

> >

> > I'm so confused...

> >

> > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> >

> > Stefanie

> >

>

September 3, 2010

Yes, its the blatant, in-your-face unfairness that is so galling and

heart-piercingly sad. Your feelings of being treated unjustly are quite valid.

You HAVE been treated unfairly. To feel upset and hurt and rejected and all

those feelings is normal.

All I'm saying is that there's nothing you can do to change the way your mother

ill-treats you, all you can do is not accept it anymore. When she says " jump "

you don't have to respond " how high? " any longer. All your life you've been

asking her, " If I do this for you, will you love me? " and the answer has

seemingly always been " No. "

The way she treats you has nothing to do with you, yourself, and it has nothing

to do with what you've done or not done for her. So continuing to knock

yourself out to try and please her is pointless. She has demonstrated over and

over again that she is incapable of appreciating your efforts. At the same

time, your brother has done nothing to earn his special, elevated treatment,

either. I'm guessing that IF your brother were to steal her blind or beat her

to a pulp, she'd only say, " Oh, he didn't mean it. He's a good boy, he's

mother's angel. (etc.) " Her reactions have little if anything to do with

reality and everything to do with her internal, mentally ill, fantasy version of

her life.

The only way I can think of to give you a chance at receiving any fraction of

whatever is left over when your nada passes away (if there's anything left at

all, that is) is to make an ally of your brother now, and hopefully he will feel

like sharing with you whatever nada leaves him.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi all.

> > >

> > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > >

> > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > her.

> > >

> > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with her

> > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those for

> > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she never

> > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > chair for me.

> > >

> > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > scrounge and save.

> > >

> > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > >

> > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > >

> > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > >

> > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > horrifies me!

> > >

> > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > was to call her.

> > >

> > > I'm so confused...

> > >

> > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but I

> > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when my

> > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > >

> > > Stefanie

> > >

> >

>

September 3, 2010

Agreed, agreed, agreed. Standing on your own two feet and living life with what

YOU earn and amass is a lot more rewarding than groveling to Nada for her

leftovers. And you know that your brother's behavior is probably at least

partially due to his mommy handing him everything he asks for. She's crippled

him, and that may be worse than what you got - at least you can live

independently, come good times or bad.

If you can remain friendly with Bro, that's nice, I guess - but I'd bet that

when and if Mom stops enabling him, he's going to look around for somebody else

to wipe his... nose... for him. Don't be that person.

And once she's dead (sorry, I just can't be that sentimental about these

soul-killing parents), challenge probate and sue him for your half, if you have

to. I'm betting he'll be too lazy to go through her junk, so if you can stand

the mess, maybe you can sell it and get some money that way.

And in the mean time, let her get herself to the airport. You're busy working to

buy the dishes and furniture you need, remember?

> > > > >

> > > > > Hi all.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have been no contact now for a little over a month. It's been

> > > > > peaceful..my heart hasn't felt that panicky jump she gives me.

> > > > >

> > > > > My brother was angry with my mother last month but they have made up

> > > > > and and he loves his mother again. He understands that she is

> > > > > different with me and understands why I have chosen not to speak with

> > > > > her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Last month when my brother and her where fighting I was angry with

> > her

> > > > > because she has the means to help us but never does. That was the

> > > > > gist of the argument. For me I have asked for few things from her in

> > > > > my life because it always comes with a huge price of control. Once

> > > > > when I was building my home I borrowed $2000. I returned to her with

> > > > > in 7 months. Then I asked her if I could have one of the 2 sets of

> > > > > dishes she has in storage for many years..she said " I bought those

> > for

> > > > > me not you..they are a set of 16 plate setting for when I have dinner

> > > > > party " I remember these plates since I was a teen living at home..she

> > > > > never had that many people that would go to her dinner party. so I

> > > > > bought my own. Then when I lost my job 2 years ago we had a power

> > > > > failure and for some reason my tv in the family room sparked and went

> > > > > out for good. She has 3 giant size TVs in her house..(it's just her

> > > > > and her boyfriend..in my dads house..he worked to pay for it she

> > never

> > > > > worked) I asked to borrow the 8 year old one till I could get my

> > > > > unemployment checks and get another one. She said no because she

> > > > > would have no where to put her nick knacks she hoards all over the

> > > > > house..I told her my husband would put something else there for the

> > > > > nick knacks she said she couldn't do it. So hubby and I lived with a

> > > > > tiny TV for months until we could afford one. THIS IS ALL I have ever

> > > > > asked of my mother and she always turns me down. Not to mention..she

> > > > > has never come to my house I always have to go to her house and pick

> > > > > her up 45 min away. She never watched my children. I have had 2 knee

> > > > > surgeries and she has never been there for me. On one of the

> > > > > surgeries she flew out to Florida 2 days before so she could be with

> > > > > her boyfriend...and I in crutches has to escort her to the airport.

> > > > > When the airport attendant saw me struggling he brought over a wheel

> > > > > chair for me.

> > > > >

> > > > > Now she gives my brother everything he asks for! I just don't get it.

> > > > > I don't think I'm feeling envious because I love my brother his needs

> > > > > are bigger then mine and I want and believe my mom should help him

> > > > > since she has the money and items to help him. When I ask her why she

> > > > > treats him different she says he is different then you he needs me

> > > > > more. What that really means is he party's and drinks his money and I

> > > > > scrounge and save.

> > > > >

> > > > > So the things that have been bothering me is that my brother moved

> > > > > into his new apartment and she let him have all the furniture he

> > > > > wanted from her storage (she has at least 2 of everything you can

> > > > > image..she is a huge hoarder but also clean and organized) She gave

> > > > > him things I loved some antique things I really wanted someday..I had

> > > > > told her this in the past. My brother takes these things and sells

> > > > > them so he will have money..or when his relationships end the stuff

> > > > > usually ends up with the girl.

> > > > >

> > > > > So Why do I care..if I don't care about her?

> > > > >

> > > > > The other thing is I am feeling if she can be somewhat decent to him

> > > > > why does she have to be so nasty to me..I have done SOOOOO much for

> > > > > this women. I have scarifies my very " self "

> > > > >

> > > > > Why am I mad that she hasn't even made an attempt to reach me in over

> > > > > a month?..but at the same time I pray she never does...the thought

> > > > > horrifies me!

> > > > >

> > > > > My feelings are so contrary all at the same time I have moments I

> > > > > forget the bad things and miss her. I see something she would like or

> > > > > I have news I think would make her happy and for a fleeting moment I

> > > > > was to call her.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm so confused...

> > > > >

> > > > > The other thing I feel and this maybe wrong to feel I don't know but

> > I

> > > > > want to acknowledge it anyway. My father left my mother well off.

> > > > > The house is paid for and she has some good money in the bank..when

> > my

> > > > > mother passes away someday I WANT MY Share! I freaken' earned it!

> > > > >

> > > > > Stefanie

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

September 3, 2010