Re: Depression, where the hell did this come from

[Guest guest]

Doug,

As always your insights are very profound- and as I read what you wrote and

the insightful responses- I hear and feel what everyone is saying.

Yes, of course I do have depression- and PTSD- and all the other stuff that

goes with being a KO. Yes- I too manage the ok relationship with my husband-

grateful everyday he is NOT nada- yet I know I have such moments of unhappiness

in this marriage.

He though and the life we have built is my refuge from nada's intense craziness.

With that said my husband is a verbal abuser- he is ADD- on meds for it and yes

has anger issues, np issues- but never ever is as bad as what nada can dish out

to me. Dear God I have learned to manage what is almost happy- and have traded

in so much to maintain this almost happy- because I am very good at settling and

not asking for too much and being grateful for the boat not to rock -so I can

have this existence with him and have some moments of not feeling terrorized by

nada's attacks on me.

Your therapist Doug is a darn good one- and keep working with them to gain

more peace and self love/ self care.

This post has really helped me- you all will never know. I just shared a

really excellent week at the beach with my husband- and on the ride home I was

planning things to do with him in my head- thinking this isn't such a bad life-

like what is my problem with him. He only got angry 2 times on the vacation- and

one time I stepped in to make it right and one time though he confronted the

other driver- he waited to to the window was up to yell- " that she was a f---ing

bitch- several times. " In my mind- no one is perfect and alot better then nada.

I sort felt like on vacation I had a real partner- though sharing our

time and making choices together. First day back he is still sleeping- and I am

as always left to clean up the mess of laundry and unpacking-life is slowly

returning to losing the partner I had on vacation- and I damn sure well know I

will be disappointed and yet again accepting of it- too depressed and tired too

again try and fight for more- been there done that- and though the verbal abuse

to me is so much better- some other things never change- and yet I still accept

that.

Such food for thought for me- from this post and all the responses- maybe

it is just being a tired older KO- I thank you for letting me rant and get

things off my chest.....

Malinda

[Guest guest]

Holy crap. Another message that hits me right between the eyes like a

sledgehammer.

Doug, this sounds just like Jack Nicholson in " As Good As It Gets " - your

therapist MUST be a movie fan, right? - when he tells the room full of therapy

patients the same thing - what if this is as good as it gets? What if we don't

ever get to be really happy?

I feel so much better since coming to terms with the fact that my mom is

mentally ill, and realizing that a lot of my self-image (bad) and self-esteem

(low) comes from the false scripts I heard all my life - but feeling better

doesn't equate to really being happy and free. I still hang back on the edges

of the party, afraid to dance and sing, unwilling to put myself out there and

really participate. Someone is sure to tell me to sit down and be quiet (and

I'm realizing that someone is almost always me - there's nobody else to blame,

now.)

So yeah, Malinda, I also " settle " for less-than-happy - grateful for quiet and

calm, and unwilling to rock the boat and ask for more. Willing to put up with

benign neglect and assume that the muted colors of an almost-happy life are all

I deserve. Baffled at how there are people who live in Technicolor, and aren't

ever punished for it. Scared to take a leap, because I know life can be so, so

much worse. I've spent decades patiently waiting my turn - and now it's

becoming apparent that my turn is never going to come unless I cut in line and

make some demands.

The good news (for me) is that since figuring out all this BPD information and

setting boundaries, I feel stronger and more determined every day. But the bad

news is that the legacy of low-level depression is still hanging around, so

there's always that little bit of extra fighting I have to do. Life would be SO

much easier without this cloud hanging over my head!

As always, I hate that we're going through this, but grateful for the company.

>

>

> Doug,

>

> As always your insights are very profound- and as I read what you wrote and

the insightful responses- I hear and feel what everyone is saying.

>

> Yes, of course I do have depression- and PTSD- and all the other stuff

that goes with being a KO. Yes- I too manage the ok relationship with my

husband- grateful everyday he is NOT nada- yet I know I have such moments of

unhappiness in this marriage.

>

> He though and the life we have built is my refuge from nada's intense

craziness. With that said my husband is a verbal abuser- he is ADD- on meds for

it and yes has anger issues, np issues- but never ever is as bad as what nada

can dish out to me. Dear God I have learned to manage what is almost happy- and

have traded in so much to maintain this almost happy- because I am very good at

settling and not asking for too much and being grateful for the boat not to rock

-so I can have this existence with him and have some moments of not feeling

terrorized by nada's attacks on me.

>

> Your therapist Doug is a darn good one- and keep working with them to

gain more peace and self love/ self care.

>

> This post has really helped me- you all will never know. I just shared a

really excellent week at the beach with my husband- and on the ride home I was

planning things to do with him in my head- thinking this isn't such a bad life-

like what is my problem with him. He only got angry 2 times on the vacation- and

one time I stepped in to make it right and one time though he confronted the

other driver- he waited to to the window was up to yell- " that she was a f---ing

bitch- several times. " In my mind- no one is perfect and alot better then nada.

>

> I sort felt like on vacation I had a real partner- though sharing our

time and making choices together. First day back he is still sleeping- and I am

as always left to clean up the mess of laundry and unpacking-life is slowly

returning to losing the partner I had on vacation- and I damn sure well know I

will be disappointed and yet again accepting of it- too depressed and tired too

again try and fight for more- been there done that- and though the verbal abuse

to me is so much better- some other things never change- and yet I still accept

that.

>

> Such food for thought for me- from this post and all the responses-

maybe it is just being a tired older KO- I thank you for letting me rant and get

things off my chest.....

>

> Malinda

>

[Guest guest]

I mostly lurk on this board and just pop in and say something maybe every six

months. I really needed to hear this. All of it.

Thank you everyone. Thank you. - Becky

> > >

> > >

> > > Doug,

> > >

> > > As always your insights are very profound- and as I read what you wrote

and the insightful responses- I hear and feel what everyone is saying.

> > >

> > > Yes, of course I do have depression- and PTSD- and all the other stuff

that goes with being a KO. Yes- I too manage the ok relationship with my

husband- grateful everyday he is NOT nada- yet I know I have such moments of

unhappiness in this marriage.

> > >

> > > He though and the life we have built is my refuge from nada's intense

craziness. With that said my husband is a verbal abuser- he is ADD- on meds for

it and yes has anger issues, np issues- but never ever is as bad as what nada

can dish out to me. Dear God I have learned to manage what is almost happy- and

have traded in so much to maintain this almost happy- because I am very good at

settling and not asking for too much and being grateful for the boat not to rock

-so I can have this existence with him and have some moments of not feeling

terrorized by nada's attacks on me.

> > >

> > > Your therapist Doug is a darn good one- and keep working with them to

gain more peace and self love/ self care.

> > >

> > > This post has really helped me- you all will never know. I just

shared a really excellent week at the beach with my husband- and on the ride

home I was planning things to do with him in my head- thinking this isn't such a

bad life- like what is my problem with him. He only got angry 2 times on the

vacation- and one time I stepped in to make it right and one time though he

confronted the other driver- he waited to to the window was up to yell- " that

she was a f---ing bitch- several times. " In my mind- no one is perfect and alot

better then nada.

> > >

> > > I sort felt like on vacation I had a real partner- though sharing

our time and making choices together. First day back he is still sleeping- and I

am as always left to clean up the mess of laundry and unpacking-life is slowly

returning to losing the partner I had on vacation- and I damn sure well know I

will be disappointed and yet again accepting of it- too depressed and tired too

again try and fight for more- been there done that- and though the verbal abuse

to me is so much better- some other things never change- and yet I still accept

that.

> > >

> > > Such food for thought for me- from this post and all the responses-

maybe it is just being a tired older KO- I thank you for letting me rant and get

things off my chest.....

> > >

> > > Malinda

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I mostly lurk on this board and just pop in and say something maybe every six

months. I really needed to hear this. All of it.

Thank you everyone. Thank you. - Becky

> > >

> > >

> > > Doug,

> > >

> > > As always your insights are very profound- and as I read what you wrote

and the insightful responses- I hear and feel what everyone is saying.

> > >

> > > Yes, of course I do have depression- and PTSD- and all the other stuff

that goes with being a KO. Yes- I too manage the ok relationship with my

husband- grateful everyday he is NOT nada- yet I know I have such moments of

unhappiness in this marriage.

> > >

> > > He though and the life we have built is my refuge from nada's intense

craziness. With that said my husband is a verbal abuser- he is ADD- on meds for

it and yes has anger issues, np issues- but never ever is as bad as what nada

can dish out to me. Dear God I have learned to manage what is almost happy- and

have traded in so much to maintain this almost happy- because I am very good at

settling and not asking for too much and being grateful for the boat not to rock

-so I can have this existence with him and have some moments of not feeling

terrorized by nada's attacks on me.

> > >

> > > Your therapist Doug is a darn good one- and keep working with them to

gain more peace and self love/ self care.

> > >

> > > This post has really helped me- you all will never know. I just

shared a really excellent week at the beach with my husband- and on the ride

home I was planning things to do with him in my head- thinking this isn't such a

bad life- like what is my problem with him. He only got angry 2 times on the

vacation- and one time I stepped in to make it right and one time though he

confronted the other driver- he waited to to the window was up to yell- " that

she was a f---ing bitch- several times. " In my mind- no one is perfect and alot

better then nada.

> > >

> > > I sort felt like on vacation I had a real partner- though sharing

our time and making choices together. First day back he is still sleeping- and I

am as always left to clean up the mess of laundry and unpacking-life is slowly

returning to losing the partner I had on vacation- and I damn sure well know I

will be disappointed and yet again accepting of it- too depressed and tired too

again try and fight for more- been there done that- and though the verbal abuse

to me is so much better- some other things never change- and yet I still accept

that.

> > >

> > > Such food for thought for me- from this post and all the responses-

maybe it is just being a tired older KO- I thank you for letting me rant and get

things off my chest.....

> > >

> > > Malinda

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think, after removing the nada crap, we are left with ourselves "

Patinage, that's brilliant. Thanks so much for that wonderful phrase--it just

puts so much stuff into place, doesn't it?

>

> Ugh - yeah, me too. I usually get the seasonal affective depression in winter

and I have learned to manage it but this year, despite essentially removing nada

from my life for the last 6 years, I have found myself pretty severely depressed

in the middle of summer.

>

> I think, after removing the nada crap, we are left with ourselves. And we

were raised to be whatever our nadas needed, not pay attention to our

needs/desires/dreams. I have a really hard time taking care of myself because

to have a problem around nada and actually tell someone, just caused more nada

drama problems. So I learned to shut up and put up. I have to learn how to do

what nada didn't do for me as a child and I have no idea how to do that now as

an adult.

>

> This part seems to make setting boundaries with nada easy. I didn't think I

would ever say that. I always had visions of my life through college and

getting my own apartment but my dreams went blank after that. Were those really

just nada's visions and mine were never created?

>

> So here is my selfcare list. I am going to pledge to:

> Find a therapist

> See the doctor for the foot issues I have had for almost 3 years now.

> Find a way to get myself a pair of skates that fit properly so I can do the

activity/exercise I love.

>

> I could list a lot more but those are at the top of my list for now.

>

> Thanks for sharing Doug. It is so nice to know I am not alone in this

journey. I wish you speed and insight in figuring this out and your are able to

get happier.

>

> peace,

> patinage

>