Re: Re-parenting ourselves

[Guest guest]

yes! i agree completely..

Subject: Re-parenting ourselves

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, September 15, 2010, 11:29 AM

 

I tried responding within the thread but Yahoo wouldn't let me! So I

started a new topic.

Maybe it will help to think of the process of finding out what you actually do

like and don't like as re-parenting yourself.

Parents are supposed to give their children exposure to various different,

interesting, safe experiences so that the child can discover whether or not she

likes sliding down a sliding board, or playing with finger paints, or petting

the animals at the petting zoo, or swimming, or playing with the musical

instruments.

Treat yourself as though you were a small child, and take yourself on an easy

day-hike. Take a photography class. Join a meet-up group that likes to see

films and discuss them at dinner afterward. Learn to sew, to make fancy

pastries, to become proficient in First Aid.

Take horseback riding lessons. Join a theatrical group and put on plays. Learn

to play the piano. Take a class in watercolor painting.

Join a poetry group.

Whatever fun, safe things you've never been allowed to experience because nada

didn't like them or was too narcissistic to be bothered with taking you to do,

take yourself to now. Find out what piques your interest, stirs your curiosity,

gives you a thrill. Maybe you have a knack for clothing design and you just

never knew about it.

Maybe you're a roller-coaster connoisseur. Maybe you have a flair for writing

mystery novels.

Discover yourself, take your inner child to the fair, let her play and in

playing, find out what she likes and doesn't like. Be the parent you never had.

And have some fun!

-Annie

>

>

>

>

>

> My therapist is really wanting me to discover who I am without my mom's voice

in my head telling me what a fat, selfish, uncaring, foolish, ugly slob I am. I

have such a low self esteem because of what I have always been told about

myself. For instance, what weight would I be happy at? (without my mom's voice

telling me I need to be her anorexic size 0) It is difficult for me to tell?? I

have never formed my own opinions on things like weight because it was pounded

into me since I was a tiny girl that the most important thing was to be thin...

>

> Now, being slightly overweight causes great depression for me... But,

realitically, I have had four boys... Of course I am going to have a stomach

with extra skin that wont go away... My mom always laughs at my breasts... (I

breast fed all my sons for 1 year each) and my breasts are a little saggy now...

She makes fun and says that if I dont get implants I will need to start buying

panty hose to use for bras...

>

> How does one build a self-esteem at the age of 31 without her NADA's voice

constantly in her head when its been there since she was born?... Personally, I

do not agree with all the plastic surgery my NADA goes through... I want to

learn to be happy with what God gave me... I want to be happy with the saggy

breasts that allowed me to breast feed my sons...

>

> Do any of you find yourselves trying to figure out who you would like to be or

who you are (and being happy) when that is against everything youve ever been

taught about yourself? I dont know about you but as a young child I thought my

NADA knew it all... Dont all small children look to their parents for the

answers? So how do you learn as an adult to throw all that rubbish in the can

and re-create an identity for yourself? Has anyone found something that worked

well in getting Nada's thoughts of you out of your head and creating a

self-identity based on what makes you happy? And what does make me happy? I have

always lived for HER happiness... NOT MINE! What does make me happy???? Good

question...!!! I would love any thoughts!

> jen

>

[Guest guest]

Thats exactly what I did when I went NC for the first time!!

I joined a yoga class, started painting, would go out for coffee and read the

paper (things Id never done), tried wines, went to uni, joined clubs, started

playing sport etc. A lot of those things I tried for a few months and decided it

wasnt me and moved onto something else, but it definitely helped a great deal.

Good advice Annie, Id recommend it to anyone!

A couple of years after that, I decided to step it up a level, and tried to do

the things that I didnt feel comfortable trying. Like joining a gym, going to

parties alone, public speaking, travelling alone etc. Ive made sure that I keep

doing them until it no longer bothers me and I feel it has been added to my

" handbag of skills " , then find another. The best thing for me I think, was work

sending me into a foreign country alone to work with people who didnt speak

english, for months. Nothing seems too hard after that!!! It really helped me

realise how much I could handle being out of my comfort zone when I needed to.

Theres nothing like getting out of your comfort zone to improve

self-confidence!!!

Now I look at my twin sister and see how restricted she is by the fact that she

finds stepping out of her comfort zone too embaressing/hard/nerve-wracking. She

will never try the new things she needs to, to find things that make life so

much more interesting and fulfilling.

>

> I tried responding within the thread but Yahoo wouldn't let me! So I started

a new topic.

>

> Maybe it will help to think of the process of finding out what you actually do

like and don't like as re-parenting yourself.

>

> Parents are supposed to give their children exposure to various different,

interesting, safe experiences so that the child can discover whether or not she

likes sliding down a sliding board, or playing with finger paints, or petting

the animals at the petting zoo, or swimming, or playing with the musical

instruments.

>

> Treat yourself as though you were a small child, and take yourself on an easy

day-hike. Take a photography class. Join a meet-up group that likes to see

films and discuss them at dinner afterward. Learn to sew, to make fancy

pastries, to become proficient in First Aid.

> Take horseback riding lessons. Join a theatrical group and put on plays.

Learn to play the piano. Take a class in watercolor painting.

> Join a poetry group.

>

> Whatever fun, safe things you've never been allowed to experience because nada

didn't like them or was too narcissistic to be bothered with taking you to do,

take yourself to now. Find out what piques your interest, stirs your curiosity,

gives you a thrill. Maybe you have a knack for clothing design and you just

never knew about it.

> Maybe you're a roller-coaster connoisseur. Maybe you have a flair for writing

mystery novels.

>

> Discover yourself, take your inner child to the fair, let her play and in

playing, find out what she likes and doesn't like. Be the parent you never had.

>

> And have some fun!

>

> -Annie

>

[Guest guest]

Thats exactly what I did when I went NC for the first time!!

I joined a yoga class, started painting, would go out for coffee and read the

paper (things Id never done), tried wines, went to uni, joined clubs, started

playing sport etc. A lot of those things I tried for a few months and decided it

wasnt me and moved onto something else, but it definitely helped a great deal.

Good advice Annie, Id recommend it to anyone!

A couple of years after that, I decided to step it up a level, and tried to do

the things that I didnt feel comfortable trying. Like joining a gym, going to

parties alone, public speaking, travelling alone etc. Ive made sure that I keep

doing them until it no longer bothers me and I feel it has been added to my

" handbag of skills " , then find another. The best thing for me I think, was work

sending me into a foreign country alone to work with people who didnt speak

english, for months. Nothing seems too hard after that!!! It really helped me

realise how much I could handle being out of my comfort zone when I needed to.

Theres nothing like getting out of your comfort zone to improve

self-confidence!!!

Now I look at my twin sister and see how restricted she is by the fact that she

finds stepping out of her comfort zone too embaressing/hard/nerve-wracking. She

will never try the new things she needs to, to find things that make life so

much more interesting and fulfilling.

>

> I tried responding within the thread but Yahoo wouldn't let me! So I started

a new topic.

>

> Maybe it will help to think of the process of finding out what you actually do

like and don't like as re-parenting yourself.

>

> Parents are supposed to give their children exposure to various different,

interesting, safe experiences so that the child can discover whether or not she

likes sliding down a sliding board, or playing with finger paints, or petting

the animals at the petting zoo, or swimming, or playing with the musical

instruments.

>

> Treat yourself as though you were a small child, and take yourself on an easy

day-hike. Take a photography class. Join a meet-up group that likes to see

films and discuss them at dinner afterward. Learn to sew, to make fancy

pastries, to become proficient in First Aid.

> Take horseback riding lessons. Join a theatrical group and put on plays.

Learn to play the piano. Take a class in watercolor painting.

> Join a poetry group.

>

> Whatever fun, safe things you've never been allowed to experience because nada

didn't like them or was too narcissistic to be bothered with taking you to do,

take yourself to now. Find out what piques your interest, stirs your curiosity,

gives you a thrill. Maybe you have a knack for clothing design and you just

never knew about it.

> Maybe you're a roller-coaster connoisseur. Maybe you have a flair for writing

mystery novels.

>

> Discover yourself, take your inner child to the fair, let her play and in

playing, find out what she likes and doesn't like. Be the parent you never had.

>

> And have some fun!

>

> -Annie

>