Re: I'm back-- new name for better security.. Also, I could use some help... :(

September 19, 2010

Hi There Hon,

First off, congrats on your accomplishments!!! Wow!!! Amazing!!!

I can imagine how betrayed/sad and scared you must feel to have your dad

return to the nada. WOw. I went through something similar with my dad 2

years ago. Extremely painful.

For me, the only choice that made sense was to go NC with my dad, too. I

didn't really want to - but he wasn't going to respect my decision to be NC

with nada. So I said good bye to protect myself. It was a very big deal - he

was really the parent who raised me. But my need to protect myself from the

she-devil was great enough that I chose NC. I haven't looked back.

Only you can decide what is right for you. But you can't make your dad's

decisions for him, nor are you responsible for what he chooses.

As far as holidays, we have another thread going on that right now that has

excellent ideas for making your own celebration while remaining NC, so check

that out.

Hugs, luck and self-esteem,

Girlscout

>

> Hello, everyone! chibvidz is now cvidzz.

> I haven't posted since May when I kept Nada from my college graduation

> using a mild version of a restraining order. Through the encouragement of

> everyone--especially Doug--I was able to enjoy a day of celebration and not

> spend the day in fear of my nada crashing my graduation.

>

> I decided to create a new Yahoo! username for posting on this message board

> only because Yahoo! has a new feature that decides to show all your e-mail

> contacts where you have been posting on Yahoo! I don't know if that applies

> to private message boards, but it worried me enough to feel the need to

> create a new name.

>

> Since graduation I moved to DC with my beau for a fantastic internship and

> graduate school. It's been a wonderful experience--finally feeling

> independent and totally free of Nada. There has been a major problem that

> arose from this though.....

>

> Before I graduated college, I was living with my Dad in an apartment that

> we moved into to get away from Nada. I was totally NC with Nada- my sister

> and father were LC. My dad lost his job (thanks, economy!), and decided to

> move back in with Nada in my childhood home after I moved to DC. I was

> absolutely devastated because I thought my dad would never go back to her.

> Now I don't talk to him as much because I know he's living with my Nada in

> that hell-hole of a house that he apparently " missed. " He spent a lot of

> time telling me he wasn't moving back, but once I moved out, he completely

> moved back to my childhood home to Nada!! He claims that he misses her, no

> matter how she treated him or us I suppose. He also claims that he doesn't

> want to spend the rest of his life " alone. " I think he feels this way

> because both my sister and I have graduated college and have moved out.

>

> I am worried about my dad all the time now that he lives with Nada. I'm

> scared that it's only a matter of time before her old ways come back and she

> starts to torture him again. I know she'll never forgive him for leaving her

> in the first place to protect my sister and I, and I also don't believe she

> will ever realize just how much damage she caused.

>

> But I'm also sad that my dad gave in again. I thought he had finally

> separated himself from the situation... and decided that it was best to stay

> away from her. How can he go back to her when she never took any steps to

> fix her problems??? He claims he has set " boundaries " for their

> relationship. They don't stay in the same room, don't talk about me (hah),

> she can't torture him etc. Nadas don't follow boundaries! They don't

> understand them.

>

> He's been there for 2 months, claims everything's fine... but I'm still

> scared for him.

>

> Selfishly, I'm also worried about when I go back to my hometown for

> holidays. I know I'll stay with my beau's family (who have felt more like a

> family often than my own, sadly), but I feel like it will be difficult

> trying to get together with my dad and sister. There will be no place for us

> to relax together. No " home-base. " I can't go to my childhood home because

> Nada will be there. I'm scared Nada will freak out if just me, my dad, and

> my sister tried to have a nice holiday without her. After all, it's

> completely weird because my dad and Nada live together again. They are a

> " family " and I want nothing to do with her.

>

> How am I supposed to maintain a relationship with my father now that he has

> created this bizarre situation?? I don't feel comfortable calling him

> anymore because I'm afraid Nada will hear the call--or answer the call. So I

> have to text and e-mail my dad or wait for him to call.

>

> What do I do? How should I feel? React? Helllp.

>

September 19, 2010

Hi cvidzz,

Its really hard, but in this case it seems to me that you need to let go of your

foo (family of origin) emotionally and physically, at least for a while, aka

become more emotionally detached from them.

They're going to behave the way they're going to behave. You can't change them,

you can't change their behaviors and you can't change the way they feel about

things or how they think, and the choices they make.

All you can do is focus on what you do have instead of what you don't have.

Enjoy the blessing of having a loving boyfriend who has a normal, loving,

mentally healthy family. Detach your thoughts and feelings from enmeshment with

your foo. If your dad wants to bring you back into his life, he will. His fear

of being alone is stronger than the pain of living with his ex-wife, so, that's

where he's at. You can't change that, so your alternatives are to stew

miserably about it or let it go and enjoy your good relationships.

If you spend the holidays with your beau and his family but in your mind and

heart you are ruminating in anger and hurt over your own foo, you might as well

not be there with your beau and his family. You won't be in the moment with

them, enjoying them, and making some good memories to cherish later.

Its a mindset. Be determined to enjoy your own life, the good things that fill

it, the good possibilities for the future, and let the negative, hurtful parts

go.

Just my two cents worth, to take or leave.

-Annie

>

> Hello, everyone! chibvidz is now cvidzz.

> I haven't posted since May when I kept Nada from my college graduation using a

mild version of a restraining order. Through the encouragement of

everyone--especially Doug--I was able to enjoy a day of celebration and not

spend the day in fear of my nada crashing my graduation.

>

> I decided to create a new Yahoo! username for posting on this message board

only because Yahoo! has a new feature that decides to show all your e-mail

contacts where you have been posting on Yahoo! I don't know if that applies to

private message boards, but it worried me enough to feel the need to create a

new name.

>

> Since graduation I moved to DC with my beau for a fantastic internship and

graduate school. It's been a wonderful experience--finally feeling independent

and totally free of Nada. There has been a major problem that arose from this

though.....

>

> Before I graduated college, I was living with my Dad in an apartment that we

moved into to get away from Nada. I was totally NC with Nada- my sister and

father were LC. My dad lost his job (thanks, economy!), and decided to move back

in with Nada in my childhood home after I moved to DC. I was absolutely

devastated because I thought my dad would never go back to her. Now I don't talk

to him as much because I know he's living with my Nada in that hell-hole of a

house that he apparently " missed. " He spent a lot of time telling me he wasn't

moving back, but once I moved out, he completely moved back to my childhood home

to Nada!! He claims that he misses her, no matter how she treated him or us I

suppose. He also claims that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life

" alone. " I think he feels this way because both my sister and I have graduated

college and have moved out.

>

> I am worried about my dad all the time now that he lives with Nada. I'm scared

that it's only a matter of time before her old ways come back and she starts to

torture him again. I know she'll never forgive him for leaving her in the first

place to protect my sister and I, and I also don't believe she will ever realize

just how much damage she caused.

>

> But I'm also sad that my dad gave in again. I thought he had finally separated

himself from the situation... and decided that it was best to stay away from

her. How can he go back to her when she never took any steps to fix her

problems??? He claims he has set " boundaries " for their relationship. They don't

stay in the same room, don't talk about me (hah), she can't torture him etc.

Nadas don't follow boundaries! They don't understand them.

>

> He's been there for 2 months, claims everything's fine... but I'm still scared

for him.

>

> Selfishly, I'm also worried about when I go back to my hometown for holidays.

I know I'll stay with my beau's family (who have felt more like a family often

than my own, sadly), but I feel like it will be difficult trying to get together

with my dad and sister. There will be no place for us to relax together. No

" home-base. " I can't go to my childhood home because Nada will be there. I'm

scared Nada will freak out if just me, my dad, and my sister tried to have a

nice holiday without her. After all, it's completely weird because my dad and

Nada live together again. They are a " family " and I want nothing to do with her.

>

> How am I supposed to maintain a relationship with my father now that he has

created this bizarre situation?? I don't feel comfortable calling him anymore

because I'm afraid Nada will hear the call--or answer the call. So I have to

text and e-mail my dad or wait for him to call.

>

> What do I do? How should I feel? React? Helllp.

>

September 19, 2010

Ladies,

I don't think being in contact with my dad is a bad thing at all. There's no

need to erase him from my life. He's not BP and is pretty much the best father

in the world. The only problem is, as you said, he has chosen to move back with

nada now for whatever reason.

He of course still has a relationship with me, I'm just distressed that it's

becoming difficult to maintain normal contact now that he's around nada. Or it

makes me uncomfortable etc. It's just hard to handle seeing him crawl back to

her when he's come so far. He took himself and his children away from the

situation, understood that she has BP... but I think deep down he still feels he

can " change her " and that being near her will help her.

Oh, it's so frustrating!

Nada and her extended family (her crazy bp mother and sisters) are not part of

my life at all, but I cherish my wonderful relationships with my father and

sister. My dad knows nada is toxic, yet he's with her. I don't understand how a

person could witness all this pain and torment that their " wife " has caused

their family but still go back to them (even if there are " boundaries. " ) I can't

even admit to my boyfriend's parents that my dad went back to nada... it's

pretty embarrassing. I can't even make reason of it myself. He always said he

wasn't going back... but he did.

Yeesh. How do BPs still seem to have control and power after all the horrible

things they do? How are these people even deserving of anything we try and do

for them?

- Cvidzz, Steph

>

> >

> > Hello, everyone! chibvidz is now cvidzz.

> > I haven't posted since May when I kept Nada from my college graduation

> > using a mild version of a restraining order. Through the encouragement of

> > everyone--especially Doug--I was able to enjoy a day of celebration and not

> > spend the day in fear of my nada crashing my graduation.

> >

> > I decided to create a new Yahoo! username for posting on this message board

> > only because Yahoo! has a new feature that decides to show all your e-mail

> > contacts where you have been posting on Yahoo! I don't know if that applies

> > to private message boards, but it worried me enough to feel the need to

> > create a new name.

> >

> > Since graduation I moved to DC with my beau for a fantastic internship and

> > graduate school. It's been a wonderful experience--finally feeling

> > independent and totally free of Nada. There has been a major problem that

> > arose from this though.....

> >

> > Before I graduated college, I was living with my Dad in an apartment that

> > we moved into to get away from Nada. I was totally NC with Nada- my sister

> > and father were LC. My dad lost his job (thanks, economy!), and decided to

> > move back in with Nada in my childhood home after I moved to DC. I was

> > absolutely devastated because I thought my dad would never go back to her.

> > Now I don't talk to him as much because I know he's living with my Nada in

> > that hell-hole of a house that he apparently " missed. " He spent a lot of

> > time telling me he wasn't moving back, but once I moved out, he completely

> > moved back to my childhood home to Nada!! He claims that he misses her, no

> > matter how she treated him or us I suppose. He also claims that he doesn't

> > want to spend the rest of his life " alone. " I think he feels this way

> > because both my sister and I have graduated college and have moved out.

> >

> > I am worried about my dad all the time now that he lives with Nada. I'm

> > scared that it's only a matter of time before her old ways come back and she

> > starts to torture him again. I know she'll never forgive him for leaving her

> > in the first place to protect my sister and I, and I also don't believe she

> > will ever realize just how much damage she caused.

> >

> > But I'm also sad that my dad gave in again. I thought he had finally

> > separated himself from the situation... and decided that it was best to stay

> > away from her. How can he go back to her when she never took any steps to

> > fix her problems??? He claims he has set " boundaries " for their

> > relationship. They don't stay in the same room, don't talk about me (hah),

> > she can't torture him etc. Nadas don't follow boundaries! They don't

> > understand them.

> >

> > He's been there for 2 months, claims everything's fine... but I'm still

> > scared for him.

> >

> > Selfishly, I'm also worried about when I go back to my hometown for

> > holidays. I know I'll stay with my beau's family (who have felt more like a

> > family often than my own, sadly), but I feel like it will be difficult

> > trying to get together with my dad and sister. There will be no place for us

> > to relax together. No " home-base. " I can't go to my childhood home because

> > Nada will be there. I'm scared Nada will freak out if just me, my dad, and

> > my sister tried to have a nice holiday without her. After all, it's

> > completely weird because my dad and Nada live together again. They are a

> > " family " and I want nothing to do with her.

> >

> > How am I supposed to maintain a relationship with my father now that he has

> > created this bizarre situation?? I don't feel comfortable calling him

> > anymore because I'm afraid Nada will hear the call--or answer the call. So I

> > have to text and e-mail my dad or wait for him to call.

> >

> > What do I do? How should I feel? React? Helllp.

> >

>

September 19, 2010

Hi - Congratulations on graduating and snagging the internship. I have a

suggestion about the holiday (I can't add a thing to your post about your dad -

he'll do what he'll do, and you're right, you don't have a lot of influence).

This is your first holiday " away " after college, right? At one point in life, I

lived in D.C. - and I can tell you that Christmas is wonderful up there. Most

of the tourists are gone, the city is dazzling, and there's a whole world of

free (or cheap) stuff to do. You and your beau can stay in town, save some

money, and see the city like the locals do. The best day of the year to go to

the sonian museums is right after you get off work early on Christmas Eve

(or the day before). There is NOBODY else there. I used to make that my

private little holiday at the National Gallery, when I had about 3 hours before

pickup time at daycare. It gave me peace and quiet prior to jumping into the

holiday frenzy at home.

Plan a visit home for MLK weekend or President's weekend. It will be a shorter

period of time and less laden with emotional baggage, the plane fares will

probably be cheaper, and you don't want to be stuck in D.C. in January or

February anyway - it's cold, windy, and dismal, a real flu factory.