Re: Re: my BP Mom hates my husband...

September 8, 2010

Just me - but I think its up to your hubby if he wants to be close to your

mom. If he doesn't want to, I wouldn't force him. its his life, his boundary

and his choice.

Thats what i would do.

Hugs!

>

> Oh...I think you misunderstood a little of what I was saying.

>

> First of all, I have never shared anything bad/problems with my marriage

> with my Mom. I actually paint the picture as much prettier than it is even

> when I wish I could talk to someone about my feelings. In all relationships

> we encounter conflict and we all bring our own set of faults to the table. I

> am actually the kind of person that keeps the bad feelings or temporary

> problems in any of my relationships to myself/that person unless its an end

> all - be all sort of situation (abuse, true end of a relationship, etc). So,

> my Mom knows nothing of my own problems with my husband from my

> perspective...

>

> What I was trying to say is that she is so perceptive that sometimes she

> picks up on or points out things that are completely accurate and it is

> almost scary how she sees them, when I think I have hidden them from her. I

> think she has just become hyper-focused on the bad after a couple of valid

> observations a couple years back...and its a case of that black or white

> thinking. My husband has a lot of wonderful qualities, but there are

> definitely some things I have problems with. Her noticing them sometimes

> makes me feel like they are worse than they are, but I do not let her create

> false images about my husband that make me question him/our marriage. I am

> able to see him as a whole. She struggles with seeing the whole person all

> at once...its either horrible or wonderful without much in between.

>

> I often do imagine the opposite, and because of that I have never told my

> husband to just suck it up and accept it. I listen to him all the time, and

> know just how hard this is for him...as it is for me. I am a very empathetic

> person and I have been VERY supportive and validated him and told him how

> sorry I am that he is having to go through this. I was simply saying I would

> like to find a way to get him to better understand her condition as I did,

> so that he could feel a little more at ease. I feel as though you made it

> out to be me saying " you just have to deal with it sweetie. " That was far

> from what I was trying to say.

>

> I have even gone to 2 counseling sessions with my Mom and told her that

> although she is entitled to her opinion, she is not to say any more negative

> stuff to me. It was a hard couple of sessions, but I did put my foot down.

> If she slips ever, I walk away or ask her to leave immediately. I can't say

> that the conflict or pushing her away is easy for me, but I am doing it to

> make her know where my boundary is and to support my husband.

>

> As far as what I am frustrated with my husband on is that he is so angry

> about the past that he intentionally stirs the pot sometimes with a bad

> attitude, when my Mom is actually making an effort to reach out to him and

> try to redefine him. She has done this on multiple occasions since I drew

> that line, and only I wish he could just refrain from acting that way when

> she is trying to be pleasant...at the very least...to support me and maybe

> even allow my Mom to see the positive aspects.

>

> on a side note, she has not attacked him directly or told me to leave him

> ever.

>

> I hope this clears up your misinterpretation of my situation....

>

> From: anuria67854 <anuria-67854@... <anuria-67854%40mypacks.net>>

>

> Subject: Re: my BP Mom hates my husband...

> To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2010, 2:23 PM

>

> RE the format of this Forum: you can go to the Yahoo Groups site and in

> " Preferences " you can choose to just read the posts at the Group site

> instead of receiving them as tons of e-mails.

>

> RE your situation, maybe it would help to imagine how your life would be if

> the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak. What if your husband's mother

> or father hated you, took every opportunity to insult you, say ugly, hateful

> things about you to your husband (based on minor flaws you actually have),

> urge your husband to leave you.... and your husband did nothing except say

> to you, " You have to understand, honey, that that's just the way she is.

> Don't take it personally. "

>

> Would you be able to just smile and say " OK, sweetheart " and not feel

> really hurt every time your husband just remained silent and didn't stand up

> for you when his mother denigrated and disrespected you?

>

> Wouldn't that make you miserable, and wouldn't you feel betrayed and

> unappreciated?

>

> If you married a good man, but you're starting to buy into your mother's

> opinion of your husband, then she's already dangerously toxic to your

> marriage. If I were in your situation, that's the first boundary I'd make

> with momma: she is no longer allowed to say negative things to you about

> your husband.

>

> And it would be wise for you to refrain from discussing with your mother

> any marital issues you and your husband are having with each other. That

> isn't a safe topic to discuss with her, it would seem.

>

> But that's just my opinion. Each person has to decide for herself or

> himself what is and isn't tolerable.

>

> -Annie

>

> >

>

> > >

>

> >

>

> > > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I

> don't even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at

> least someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the

> impact of my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years

> than it ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until

> the past few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a

> beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again. I

> am struggling because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of

> things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than others, but

> overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of doing

> things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments about

> everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

> this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has

> always been a

> big

>

> > part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

> focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is

> beyond frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I

> feel completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

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> > > Thanks!

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September 8, 2010

Thanks Jen...I appreciate your response and would like to chat with you more

about your experiences directly if you are comfortable with that. Your response

made a lot of sense and I think you definitely know where I am coming from. The

hardest part for me is being able to remain unaffected, because I have for the

most part, been the sister who my Mom is on good terms with more than not and my

sister is often " the problem. " It just sounds like we have a lot in common...

I think an additional factor that makes everything very hard on me is that my

Mom is divorced...she was an only child and both her parents are gone and I am

the oldest of 3 children, so I am most often the dependable rock in my family.

Its a lot of pressure on me...and frustrating that my Mom is BP because when

things are good in our family even if just for an hour, I feel my best. I am way

too connected to her emotional roller coasters. argh!

Subject: Re: my BP Mom hates my husband...

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2010, 6:30 PM

Â

I too struggled with my mother hating my husband for many years... I have

heard many times that a BP sees a person as either " all good " or " all bad " ... My

NADA is definately like this and it can change over the years back and forth...

My Nada can never be kind to my sister and I at the same time so if she hates

one of us then the other she tries to be best friends with and then it will

switch when her " friend daughter " manages to " disappoint " her... She has always

tried to split my sister and I and really many relationships between her own

siblings...

As for my husband, he is my stability in my life and has been since I was

16years old... (am 32 now)... My mom has always felt threatened by him because I

value him and his opinions.. She can not stand to see those close to her give

any of their attention to someone else... so ... my husband becomes her enemy...

I found that in my head I really have to put him up on the pedestal and decide

to always side with him and stand up for him no matter what .... and whatever I

do, I never tell my mom of any disagreements ..etc between me and my husband or

else she would run wild with that info...

I hope this helped... hang in there... there are others who understand.

jen

>

> I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't even

know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least someone to

relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my Mom's BP on

my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was when I was

growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years). At any rate,

I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently

found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past few years my

mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than

others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way

of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has always

been a big

part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus on

one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> Thanks!

>

September 8, 2010

Maybe next time Mom brings out a bad point or focuses on anything negative

about your husband. Maybe just look at her and firmly say..Good or bad I

love my husband the way he is..Nothing you can say is going to change that.

If You keep doing this I'm gonna hang up the phone/leave/take you home. and

then follow thru.

With my mom she doesn't " Get it " unless I make a big deal about it. If this

worked with you mom you can ask your hubby to be civil l to her for your

sake and out of respect for you.

Just a thought

Stefanie

>

> I wish it could be that simple for me...I understand him choosing not to be

> close to her...I just wish when she was trying to be polite or friendly, hYe

> could just be a little more respectful...I have already told him I fully

> support him keeping his distance or whatever if she is in attack or

> depressed mode...SUCH A COMPLICATED thing to live with...the bp thing. ah!

>

> >

> > From: anuria67854 <anuria-67854@...

<anuria-67854%40mypacks.net><anuria-67854%

> 40mypacks.net>>

> >

> > Subject: Re: my BP Mom hates my husband...

> > To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> > Date: Wednesday, September 8, 2010, 2:23 PM

> >

> > RE the format of this Forum: you can go to the Yahoo Groups site and in

> > " Preferences " you can choose to just read the posts at the Group site

> > instead of receiving them as tons of e-mails.

> >

> > RE your situation, maybe it would help to imagine how your life would be

> if

> > the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak. What if your husband's

> mother

> > or father hated you, took every opportunity to insult you, say ugly,

> hateful

> > things about you to your husband (based on minor flaws you actually

> have),

> > urge your husband to leave you.... and your husband did nothing except

> say

> > to you, " You have to understand, honey, that that's just the way she is.

> > Don't take it personally. "

> >

> > Would you be able to just smile and say " OK, sweetheart " and not feel

> > really hurt every time your husband just remained silent and didn't stand

> up

> > for you when his mother denigrated and disrespected you?

> >

> > Wouldn't that make you miserable, and wouldn't you feel betrayed and

> > unappreciated?

> >

> > If you married a good man, but you're starting to buy into your mother's

> > opinion of your husband, then she's already dangerously toxic to your

> > marriage. If I were in your situation, that's the first boundary I'd make

> > with momma: she is no longer allowed to say negative things to you about

> > your husband.

> >

> > And it would be wise for you to refrain from discussing with your mother

> > any marital issues you and your husband are having with each other. That

> > isn't a safe topic to discuss with her, it would seem.

> >

> > But that's just my opinion. Each person has to decide for herself or

> > himself what is and isn't tolerable.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

> > >

> >

> > > >

> >

> > >

> >

> > > > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I

> > don't even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at

> > least someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the

> > impact of my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5

> years

> > than it ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was

> until

> > the past few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a

> > beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again.

> I

> > am struggling because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of

> > things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than others, but

> > overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of

> doing

> > things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

> about

> > everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

> > this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has

> > always been a

> > big

> >

> > > part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

> > focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is

> > beyond frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I

> > feel completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

> >

> > >

> >

> > > >

> >

> > >

> >

> > > > Thanks!

> >

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September 9, 2010

I appreciate your input. Honestly though, as good as it is to be able to relate

to one another on a site like this...we do all have very unique scenarios. I

guess in my case, I have never been the target of my Mom's disapproval or rage

(it didn't really surface until I was gone to college), so this is the closest

it has hit to me. She is also, very high functioning in some respects and has

even been working on her disorder to a certain extent, yet there are other areas

where she can not see beyond herself. So, I don't think I am in a FOG on this

one. Its hard because she didn't always hate him, and when things used to be OK

between us all, it was great. If I had NEVER experienced the good before, I

don't know that I would be having such a hard time with all of this...the civil

thing is something I feel he could do out of respect to me and ONLY when she is

being civil to him am I asking that of him. I feel like she comes and goes in

waves, but this wave

has lasted much longer than most. I have made a point to keep her away from

him at any other times and put my foot down. I just feel like we are a

team...and as hard as I am working, once a month when he has to be around her

for an hour or two and she is being polite and trying, he could do the

same....ahhh the frustration...

>

> My mother was jealous of any relationship that I had with someone other

> than her and ensured that she sabotagued it at every turn. I had several

> boyfriends who simply walked away, with no explanation. I suspect she had a

> hand in it.

>

> With my husband, she tried everything. She sent her husband over to my then

> boyfriends house to intimidate him. She met with his mother to convince her

> that I was crazy and manipulative (Pot meet Kettle.. LOL!), but thankfully

> they didn't fall for it. Mostly because my future MIL had trained as a

> psychiatric nurse and knew that she wasn't " right " .

>

> Anyway, her delusions about him escalated. To the point where he would

> leave on excercise and she'd call me up telling me stories about how he came

> to confess his infedelities...etc etc etc.

>

> It came to a point where I simply ignored the behavior. When it started to

> get bad again, I limited contact to written form only (she began to twist my

> words and make things up). Then, pretty soon when she wasn't getting what

> she wanted from me, she cut off contact altogether.

>

> She never even came to my wedding. Not that I invited her because I knew

> she'd start shit.

>

> To be blunt, you do need to choose between your family (IE-husband and

> chikdren) and having a healthy relationship with them, and your mother. She

> is not healthy. If this is affecting your family life, then you need to set

> her straight.

>

> It does NOT matter what she thinks of your husband, it's frankly none of

> her business. HE is the person you married, who you love and whom you have

> chosen to spend your life with.

>

> >

> > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't

> even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least

> someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of

> my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it

> ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past

> few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo.

> old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling

> because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of things wrong with

> my husband. Some months are better than others, but overall I feel like I am

> stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of doing things/opinions that are

> stated to be the gospel and negative comments about everything my husband is

> and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over this, especially now that I

> am about to have another child. My mom has always been a big part of my life

> and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus on one side of a

> person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond frustrated and not

> able to understand her mental condition, and I feel completely helpless. Has

> anyone else dealt with anything similar??

> >

> > Thanks!

> >

>

September 9, 2010