Guest guest Posted September 14, 2010 Report Share Posted September 14, 2010 My therapist told me an interesting story today. She said that if you put a bunch of crawdads in a bucket, they will realize they are going to die and not try to escape, even though they can. So, then, one or two will try to crawl out. And guess what happens? the other crawdads grab it and pull it back into the bucket. No escape for you, crawdad! She said families are like crawdads. They will do anything they can to pull you back in to the bucket of death. Wow, that's really sick. But true. Thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2010 Report Share Posted September 14, 2010 You know, I totally get this. I have been LC with my BPD mother for years, and in the last couple of years I have been the same with two of my sisters (not BPD, but mentally ill people who refuse to get treated and prefer to have the rest of the family support them and raise their kids when they cant be bothered). One of my other sisters is a massive enabler. She moves house for does everything for my sisters and mother, and has put off her own life on many occasions because of my mother and sisters. She will answer the phone at 3am when they call to say they cant sleep. She will pay the bills, babysit their kids, pass on messages to the rest of us (no matter how crazy), take time off work to do whatever they demand. While I feel sad that she gets taken advantage of so willingly, what is getting under my skin is the way she thinks that the rest of us siblings are OBLIGATED to do the same. She says we need to be the adults, be the ones to say sorry when we havent done anything wrong, be the one to grovel and try to make everything ok when things go wrong and these sponges of people get upset. These people arent capable of being on their own, and as family we should be doing all we can to help. I used to agree with her, but there comes a point when the hand you put out to help gets bitten too many times, and you refuse to offer it anymore. I think my sister feels so guilty when she doesnt help them, that it upsets her that she is the only one left in the family doing it, and she would feel better about herself if I was in the same situation with her. Since there is noone else enabling any more, she feels MORE obligated to help - as noone else will. She is the crawfdad, constantly trying to pull everyone else in - harder than my BPD mother. Recently she told me I HAVE to organise a BBQ (with myself supplying all the food and transport of course) for one of my sisters and her children, because I dont answer her calls at 10pm. I said perhaps, when I have time one weekend I have no intention of doing it. It doesnt matter how many times you tell her that constantly pandering to them is making them worse - she cannot handle the crushing guilt she would feel if she ever said no. She feels she is doing the " responsible " thing, and sees it has her " job " as a member of the family. In the last couple of years I have decided that I cant change her mind, and I wont join in, so all I can do is try to support HER. Take her out for coffee and cake, get her over for pizza and a movie, go shopping - whatever will help her relax and de-stress. I am the only family member that doesnt take advantage of her and Im sure it helps her to have someone to talk to and just have fun with. She may be a crawdad, but at least I can give her some fresh water and space every now and then. Eventually she will crawl out, and Ill be there to give her all the help I can. > > My therapist told me an interesting story today. > > She said that if you put a bunch of crawdads in a bucket, they will realize > they are going to die and not try to escape, even though they can. > > So, then, one or two will try to crawl out. And guess what happens? the > other crawdads grab it and pull it back into the bucket. No escape for you, > crawdad! > > She said families are like crawdads. They will do anything they can to pull > you back in to the bucket of death. > > Wow, that's really sick. But true. > > Thoughts? > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 14, 2010 Report Share Posted September 14, 2010 Yeah, I used to be the enabler in charge. But I quit the job. . . Hugs good luck. On Tue, Sep 14, 2010 at 7:28 PM, crazy150345 wrote: > > > You know, I totally get this. > > I have been LC with my BPD mother for years, and in the last couple of > years I have been the same with two of my sisters (not BPD, but mentally ill > people who refuse to get treated and prefer to have the rest of the family > support them and raise their kids when they cant be bothered). > > One of my other sisters is a massive enabler. She moves house for does > everything for my sisters and mother, and has put off her own life on many > occasions because of my mother and sisters. She will answer the phone at 3am > when they call to say they cant sleep. She will pay the bills, babysit their > kids, pass on messages to the rest of us (no matter how crazy), take time > off work to do whatever they demand. > > While I feel sad that she gets taken advantage of so willingly, what is > getting under my skin is the way she thinks that the rest of us siblings are > OBLIGATED to do the same. She says we need to be the adults, be the ones to > say sorry when we havent done anything wrong, be the one to grovel and try > to make everything ok when things go wrong and these sponges of people get > upset. These people arent capable of being on their own, and as family we > should be doing all we can to help. I used to agree with her, but there > comes a point when the hand you put out to help gets bitten too many times, > and you refuse to offer it anymore. > > I think my sister feels so guilty when she doesnt help them, that it upsets > her that she is the only one left in the family doing it, and she would feel > better about herself if I was in the same situation with her. Since there is > noone else enabling any more, she feels MORE obligated to help - as noone > else will. > > She is the crawfdad, constantly trying to pull everyone else in - harder > than my BPD mother. Recently she told me I HAVE to organise a BBQ (with > myself supplying all the food and transport of course) for one of my sisters > and her children, because I dont answer her calls at 10pm. I said perhaps, > when I have time one weekend I have no intention of doing it. > > It doesnt matter how many times you tell her that constantly pandering to > them is making them worse - she cannot handle the crushing guilt she would > feel if she ever said no. She feels she is doing the " responsible " thing, > and sees it has her " job " as a member of the family. In the last couple of > years I have decided that I cant change her mind, and I wont join in, so all > I can do is try to support HER. Take her out for coffee and cake, get her > over for pizza and a movie, go shopping - whatever will help her relax and > de-stress. I am the only family member that doesnt take advantage of her and > Im sure it helps her to have someone to talk to and just have fun with. > > She may be a crawdad, but at least I can give her some fresh water and > space every now and then. Eventually she will crawl out, and Ill be there to > give her all the help I can. > > > > > > > My therapist told me an interesting story today. > > > > She said that if you put a bunch of crawdads in a bucket, they will > realize > > they are going to die and not try to escape, even though they can. > > > > So, then, one or two will try to crawl out. And guess what happens? the > > other crawdads grab it and pull it back into the bucket. No escape for > you, > > crawdad! > > > > She said families are like crawdads. They will do anything they can to > pull > > you back in to the bucket of death. > > > > Wow, that's really sick. But true. > > > > Thoughts? > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 15, 2010 Report Share Posted September 15, 2010 This makes such sense! My nada s mom, Grandma, was addicted to codiene. I set up an intervention and got all the family to agree to our limits unless she got help. Guess what? Everybody else just ducked her and told me I should run to the drug store for her! Same thing with nada. Everyone else just ducked. Nada was a horrible hoarder, just indescribable filth, as part of her whole package. I tried to do an intervention. You can fill in the rest of the story. LOL. Crawdads. A great analogy. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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