crawdaads

[Guest guest]

My therapist told me an interesting story today.

She said that if you put a bunch of crawdads in a bucket, they will realize

they are going to die and not try to escape, even though they can.

So, then, one or two will try to crawl out. And guess what happens? the

other crawdads grab it and pull it back into the bucket. No escape for you,

crawdad!

She said families are like crawdads. They will do anything they can to pull

you back in to the bucket of death.

Wow, that's really sick. But true.

Thoughts?

[Guest guest]

Spot on, luv!

She definitely wouldnt know what to do with herself if she wasnt constantly

running around enabling my family. The problem is, she doesnt realise that it

means that no decent bloke is going to touch her with a bargepole. She is on the

dating scene at the moment and I feel so sad when I see guys run from her,

virtually screaming in panic when they realise that her family is nuts and she

spends ALL HER TIME with them, and expects him to do the same! Being so enmeshed

in my sisters and mothers lives means she almost has none of her own.

With the BBQ, that sort of thing happens all the time. She assumes that because

I dont keep in close contact with the other family members, that I just " forget "

how much they " miss me " and that I need to be pushed to " doing the right thing " .

I really dont think she understands that I keep out of contact ON PURPOSE. She

cant comprehend that very well and I dont push the point or take it personally.

So she tries to order me to do things, like the BBQ, or ordering me to pay my

sisters bill because " your brother and I have and now its your turn " . She tried

that on nada once, wow did that go down like a lead balloon! Ive got quite good

at dodging these things.

I think my sister had got some mental issues there, definitely. Her father was

very OCD (every thing he ever bought had to have the date and price written on

it. Every can of beans, even the TV). She has a lot of these traits, Ive even

thinking there may be some autism -she monologues constantly, takes photos of

everything (every meal she has ever eaten out has a photo), does not seem to

notice when what she does makes those around her

uncomfortable/impatient/annoyed, and seems to get worse as she is getting older.

She wants everyone to be just like her, which is wierd. She seems to like

putting some control and order into others lives as she is too OCD to manage to

do it with hers. I love her to bits, but she can be very exasperating!!!

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> You know, I see another facet to your sister's behavior. I was doing some

reading about ADD/ADHD several years ago, and was stunned to learn that some

adults with this condition (which is an under-stimulation of the executive

function area of the brain) will stir things up so they can stimulate their

brains - so, like a little kid running around instead of sitting and focusing on

the math lesson, these adults create drama - or go find some drama - to keep

their brains stimulated. That made SO much sense to me, because my mom (who

probably has some ADD as well as BPD and a host of other issues) will mire

herself in problems, and if everything is going smoothly for her (which happens

rarely!) - she goes out and finds somebody else who's stuck in a crisis, and

adopts them. Then she'd call me up and tell me I " had to " assist her in helping

that person.

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> So even when I bent over backwards to pay Nada's bills, file her insurance

papers, clean out her hoarded junk - there was always another big emergency -

and sometimes it involved total strangers. She's like a fireman who is also an

arsonist, looking for conflagrations so she can maintain a high level of

excitement instead of forcing herself to change the oil in the firetruck!

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> I have to wonder what your sister is getting out of this role. She's

self-identified as the family Saint (doing what the rest of you refuse to do),

and the family guilt-monger as well (telling you that you HAVE TO host a bbq?

What's that about?) - swooping in to save the dysfunctional sibs, time and

again, and trying to pull everyone else into the soap opera. It must be feeding

a need, somehow.

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> It could also be allowing her to ignore any issues she has on her own. If

there's always a crisis, she has a perfect excuse to ignore the need to go to

the gym, get a better job, deal with a child's learning problems, mow the yard,

fix her marriage - whatever it is.

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> So I don't think you have to feel sorry for her, or feel guilty for refusing

to play along. You're right - she may eventually see the light. Or not.

Either way, this is something she's CHOOSING to do.

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