Will LC with mother only offend father

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I'm 24, living outside of home.

I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8 months.

Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls). I don't

feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling him on the

phone throws me into anxieties.

With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was depended

on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just that my siblings

and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact with them etc. etc.) -

again, what's better - to be in phone calls connection with my mother only, or

not to be in contact at all?

Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father - will

that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of them? Or

that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my mother, and that

won't be seen as an offence by my father?

Hope I was clear.

Thanks,

Jack

[Guest guest]

Oh God. This one sounds horrible Jack.

There's a few problems going on here. The thing about NC and LC is that others

(siblings, friends, family) will judge you mercilessly. Please know that these

people do not understand your experience and some of them don't actually care

anyway. It seems to be an innate fear or kneejerk reaction that freaks people

out... apparently having contact with family at all costs is the best solution

even if you're being horribly abused. That is BS and us KO's know it better than

anybody.

Personally, I stopped speaking with most people about my NC and LC and drew a

firm boundary that the topic was closed and if it's brought up the conversation

ends. Period. Seems to have worked, but I have to admit it still hurts my

feelings to know that others judge me and see me in a poor light even though

it's unfair.

You must think carefully about what YOU WANT the respective contact levels to

be. Do you want contact with your mom? Maybe not? Is it pressure from others

that make you think you want contact? What is it really about? Ask yourself the

important questions about who you want to still have contact with, and not, and

once YOU have decided what you actually want outside of any

difficulties/problems associated with it... then and only then should you go

ahead and establish NC/LC with firm boundaries. Others will choose to react as

they will but you cannot control this.

I know it's difficult to think about yourself, and only yourself but I believe

this is the first step for you before going ahead with any action. It seems

you're so accomodating and kind, that you're concerned with offending others....

put that aside for now and think about what YOU WANT. I know you can do it.

Once you have decided, play out some scenarios about what might happen around

your choices. In each case, create a script to communicate your boundaries and

what the consequence is for violating the boundary. E.G. " Mom I would love to

speak with you on the phone sometimes but if you allow dad to pick up the line,

I will have to hang up and I will not be able to call back for one month. Do you

understand? " Then follow through with the consquence if the boundary is

violated. Nobody will like it but it might work..... of course you will design

what this will look like, and how it will work best for you.

Remember you owe NOBODY an explanation for anything, ever.

Good luck, hugs from HF.

>

> Hi there,

>

> I'm 24, living outside of home.

>

> I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8 months.

>

> Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls). I

don't feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling him

on the phone throws me into anxieties.

>

> With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

>

> So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was depended

on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just that my siblings

and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact with them etc. etc.) -

again, what's better - to be in phone calls connection with my mother only, or

not to be in contact at all?

>

> Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father -

will that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of them?

Or that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my mother, and that

won't be seen as an offence by my father?

>

> Hope I was clear.

>

> Thanks,

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Jack,

Only you can decide what works best for you.

If you're only considering resuming contact with your parents because your

siblings and other members of your family are pressuring you, that's not fair to

you; its inappropriate of your relatives to interfere. This is between you and

your parents. You have the right to make your decisions and do what's best for

your own health without outside " FOG " (using fear, obligation and guilt to

manipulate you.)

When they pressure you, you can respond with something like, " I know you are

concerned about our parents and about me, but this is really just between me and

them. I'm not going to put you in the middle and ask you to take sides, and I

hope you'll do the same. So, please understand that I won't be discussing this

with you any longer. Thanks for understanding. So, how are things going with

you...? "

And repeat that like a broken record. You don't have to get their agreement,

permission, or validation, you're just stating the way things are going to be

from now on. That's you taking charge and not allowing your siblings or other

relatives to pressure you. What I've suggested you say is not mean, dismissive,

angry or hateful, its just you being an assertive adult.

But if you, yourself, feel the need to stay in some kind of contact, then I

suggest writing a short note from time to time to your parents and sending it by

snail mail. To me, an old-fashioned written letter is much less emotionally

charged than voice contact, in-person contact, or even e-mail.

You know your parents, and you can be pretty confident in predicting how each of

them would react to a decision on your part to resuming limited contact by phone

with your mother, only.

Maybe it will help to keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for the

way your mother or your father feels about anything. You are not responsible

for their happiness or unhappiness; their feelings are totally their own

responsibility.

When a person acts abusively toward you and they've always been abusive and its

a pattern, and they break promises to not be abusive and instead continue to be

abusive, then its OK, rational, and mentally healthy for you to set boundaries

to protect yourself from further abuse even if the abusers are your parents.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hi there,

>

> I'm 24, living outside of home.

>

> I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8 months.

>

> Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls). I

don't feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling him

on the phone throws me into anxieties.

>

> With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

>

> So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was depended

on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just that my siblings

and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact with them etc. etc.) -

again, what's better - to be in phone calls connection with my mother only, or

not to be in contact at all?

>

> Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father -

will that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of them?

Or that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my mother, and that

won't be seen as an offence by my father?

>

> Hope I was clear.

>

> Thanks,

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Jack,

Only you can decide what works best for you.

If you're only considering resuming contact with your parents because your

siblings and other members of your family are pressuring you, that's not fair to

you; its inappropriate of your relatives to interfere. This is between you and

your parents. You have the right to make your decisions and do what's best for

your own health without outside " FOG " (using fear, obligation and guilt to

manipulate you.)

When they pressure you, you can respond with something like, " I know you are

concerned about our parents and about me, but this is really just between me and

them. I'm not going to put you in the middle and ask you to take sides, and I

hope you'll do the same. So, please understand that I won't be discussing this

with you any longer. Thanks for understanding. So, how are things going with

you...? "

And repeat that like a broken record. You don't have to get their agreement,

permission, or validation, you're just stating the way things are going to be

from now on. That's you taking charge and not allowing your siblings or other

relatives to pressure you. What I've suggested you say is not mean, dismissive,

angry or hateful, its just you being an assertive adult.

But if you, yourself, feel the need to stay in some kind of contact, then I

suggest writing a short note from time to time to your parents and sending it by

snail mail. To me, an old-fashioned written letter is much less emotionally

charged than voice contact, in-person contact, or even e-mail.

You know your parents, and you can be pretty confident in predicting how each of

them would react to a decision on your part to resuming limited contact by phone

with your mother, only.

Maybe it will help to keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for the

way your mother or your father feels about anything. You are not responsible

for their happiness or unhappiness; their feelings are totally their own

responsibility.

When a person acts abusively toward you and they've always been abusive and its

a pattern, and they break promises to not be abusive and instead continue to be

abusive, then its OK, rational, and mentally healthy for you to set boundaries

to protect yourself from further abuse even if the abusers are your parents.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hi there,

>

> I'm 24, living outside of home.

>

> I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8 months.

>

> Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls). I

don't feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling him

on the phone throws me into anxieties.

>

> With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

>

> So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was depended

on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just that my siblings

and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact with them etc. etc.) -

again, what's better - to be in phone calls connection with my mother only, or

not to be in contact at all?

>

> Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father -

will that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of them?

Or that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my mother, and that

won't be seen as an offence by my father?

>

> Hope I was clear.

>

> Thanks,

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

Hello Jack,

Only you can decide what works best for you.

If you're only considering resuming contact with your parents because your

siblings and other members of your family are pressuring you, that's not fair to

you; its inappropriate of your relatives to interfere. This is between you and

your parents. You have the right to make your decisions and do what's best for

your own health without outside " FOG " (using fear, obligation and guilt to

manipulate you.)

When they pressure you, you can respond with something like, " I know you are

concerned about our parents and about me, but this is really just between me and

them. I'm not going to put you in the middle and ask you to take sides, and I

hope you'll do the same. So, please understand that I won't be discussing this

with you any longer. Thanks for understanding. So, how are things going with

you...? "

And repeat that like a broken record. You don't have to get their agreement,

permission, or validation, you're just stating the way things are going to be

from now on. That's you taking charge and not allowing your siblings or other

relatives to pressure you. What I've suggested you say is not mean, dismissive,

angry or hateful, its just you being an assertive adult.

But if you, yourself, feel the need to stay in some kind of contact, then I

suggest writing a short note from time to time to your parents and sending it by

snail mail. To me, an old-fashioned written letter is much less emotionally

charged than voice contact, in-person contact, or even e-mail.

You know your parents, and you can be pretty confident in predicting how each of

them would react to a decision on your part to resuming limited contact by phone

with your mother, only.

Maybe it will help to keep telling yourself that you are not responsible for the

way your mother or your father feels about anything. You are not responsible

for their happiness or unhappiness; their feelings are totally their own

responsibility.

When a person acts abusively toward you and they've always been abusive and its

a pattern, and they break promises to not be abusive and instead continue to be

abusive, then its OK, rational, and mentally healthy for you to set boundaries

to protect yourself from further abuse even if the abusers are your parents.

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

> Hi there,

>

> I'm 24, living outside of home.

>

> I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8 months.

>

> Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls). I

don't feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling him

on the phone throws me into anxieties.

>

> With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

>

> So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was depended

on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just that my siblings

and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact with them etc. etc.) -

again, what's better - to be in phone calls connection with my mother only, or

not to be in contact at all?

>

> Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father -

will that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of them?

Or that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my mother, and that

won't be seen as an offence by my father?

>

> Hope I was clear.

>

> Thanks,

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

Hey folks!

Thanks you very very much for what you have written.

I'm now rethinking my whole " strategy " .

Anyway, what happened is - when I started NC with my father, my 2 year older

brother had a " brother talk " with me telling me how much I'm hurting them, how

much it's " impossible for a child not to speak with his father " etc. etc. By the

way - The whole talk he was screaming and making these extreme faces.

Also - I think that it slipped his mind that a few years ago he also didn't

speak with our father for about half a year...

Anyway, since that talk he didn't want to communicate with me.

That for me wasn't too bad. It's clear that he has some self serious problems,

and for other reasons - I didn't take that badly.

The problem is with my four year *younger* brother. He's a brother that I do

respect more. We always had a very good connection, and I feel with him a fairly

good " brotherhood " .

At the beginning, he took the NC that I've done with my father (and later on

with my mother) in a OK way. He came over to my place a couple of times, we

talked occasionally on the phone etc.

Thing is, a few month ago his attitude changed a bit. He stopped answering my

phone calls etc.

I wasn't quite sure what's going on.

Anyway, a few days ago he gives me a call. And he tells me that the situation in

our family is not so good, that my parents are very hurt that I'm not at home,

that the family is not whole etc. etc.

And then he said that it hurts him that I " hurt " my parents, and therefore, he

doesn't want to really talk to me.

I didn't really try to explain to him why I did the whole move. I know he won't

understand me. He's " under the veil " of what's really going on in my house.

Also, doesn't matter how much explanation I'll give, I just know it won't change

his opinions on things.

I just told him very briefly that it hurts me when I'm at home, and I don't want

to feel and get hurt.

He told me, that according to that logic, if he feels hurt because I'm not

speaking with my parents, he shouldn't talk with me either. By the way - I

didn't really know how to answer him on that (even though it's very clear to me

the differences...)

Anyway, he indicated that he doesn't want to talk to me until I return home.

Now, with him to be NC with me is harder for me... We did have a lot of shared

good experiences and everything, and I do enjoy his company.

That what got me to think (+ other pressure I mentioned before) that maybe I

should have some LC with my mother (rethinking that now).

I guess what you're saying is, that it's not depended on me, and that if my

younger brother wants to go NC with me, I just have to accept that, and there's

nothing I can do about it.

I'll be happy if you have further comments on this.

Thanks and best,

Jack

> > >

> > > Hi there,

> > >

> > > I'm 24, living outside of home.

> > >

> > > I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8 months.

> > >

> > > Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls). I

> > don't feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling

> > him on the phone throws me into anxieties.

> > >

> > > With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

> > >

> > > So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was

> > depended on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just

> > that my siblings and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact

> > with them etc. etc.) - again, what's better - to be in phone calls

> > connection with my mother only, or not to be in contact at all?

> > >

> > > Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father

> > - will that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of

> > them? Or that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my

> > mother, and that won't be seen as an offence by my father?

> > >

> > > Hope I was clear.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > > Jack

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>