Will LC with mother only offend father

[Guest guest]

Hi there,

I'm 24, living outside of home.

I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8 months.

Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls). I don't

feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling him on the

phone throws me into anxieties.

With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was depended

on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just that my siblings

and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact with them etc. etc.) -

again, what's better - to be in phone calls connection with my mother only, or

not to be in contact at all?

Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father - will

that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of them? Or

that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my mother, and that

won't be seen as an offence by my father?

Hope I was clear.

Thanks,

Jack

[Guest guest]

Oh God. This one sounds horrible Jack.

There's a few problems going on here. The thing about NC and LC is that others

(siblings, friends, family) will judge you mercilessly. Please know that these

people do not understand your experience and some of them don't actually care

anyway. It seems to be an innate fear or kneejerk reaction that freaks people

out... apparently having contact with family at all costs is the best solution

even if you're being horribly abused. That is BS and us KO's know it better than

anybody.

Personally, I stopped speaking with most people about my NC and LC and drew a

firm boundary that the topic was closed and if it's brought up the conversation

ends. Period. Seems to have worked, but I have to admit it still hurts my

feelings to know that others judge me and see me in a poor light even though

it's unfair.

You must think carefully about what YOU WANT the respective contact levels to

be. Do you want contact with your mom? Maybe not? Is it pressure from others

that make you think you want contact? What is it really about? Ask yourself the

important questions about who you want to still have contact with, and not, and

once YOU have decided what you actually want outside of any

difficulties/problems associated with it... then and only then should you go

ahead and establish NC/LC with firm boundaries. Others will choose to react as

they will but you cannot control this.

I know it's difficult to think about yourself, and only yourself but I believe

this is the first step for you before going ahead with any action. It seems

you're so accomodating and kind, that you're concerned with offending others....

put that aside for now and think about what YOU WANT. I know you can do it.

Once you have decided, play out some scenarios about what might happen around

your choices. In each case, create a script to communicate your boundaries and

what the consequence is for violating the boundary. E.G. " Mom I would love to

speak with you on the phone sometimes but if you allow dad to pick up the line,

I will have to hang up and I will not be able to call back for one month. Do you

understand? " Then follow through with the consquence if the boundary is

violated. Nobody will like it but it might work..... of course you will design

what this will look like, and how it will work best for you.

Remember you owe NOBODY an explanation for anything, ever.

Good luck, hugs from HF.

>

> Hi there,

>

> I'm 24, living outside of home.

>

> I'm NC with my father a year and a month now and with my mother 8 months.

>

> Lately I've been thinking to go and do LC with my mother (phone calls). I

don't feel I can get LC with my father. Only the imagination of me calling him

on the phone throws me into anxieties.

>

> With all that said, I don't want to offend him personally in anyway.

>

> So what I'm asking is - what's better (for my parents sake, if it was depended

on me, I would stay NC for another year or even more, it's just that my siblings

and extended family are pressuring me to get in contact with them etc. etc.) -

again, what's better - to be in phone calls connection with my mother only, or

not to be in contact at all?

>

> Meaning - if I only speak with my mother by phone and not with my father -

will that offend him, therefore it'll be better not to talk with none of them?

Or that it is better for me to be in a phone connection with my mother, and that

won't be seen as an offence by my father?

>

> Hope I was clear.

>

> Thanks,

> Jack

>

[Guest guest]

Hey Jack,

What your younger bro is doing is called a hoover maneuver. It happens to

all of us from time to time. He's trying to suck you back in.

In my case, my bada tried and still tries to suck me back in. I believe he

needs me to fulfill my role in the family of the bad split black child, and

the little helper, and the codependent one who makes the meals, drives

people to the doctor (who are perfectly capable of driving themselves) etc

so that he doesn't have to step up and do that stuff. Of course - HE DOESN " T

HAVE TO!!! That's what I don't get about the whole thing. He can do whatever

he wants. But he wants to keep everyone in their assigned roles so that the

dysfunctional family unit can continue to rock and roll.

My response - No thanks!!!! Show up at my door? I call the cops. Stalking

charges. Yeah, no hoover for me! Stand up buddy, we are here for you!

On Tue, Aug 17, 2010 at 9:13 AM, Hellfireblonde

wrote:

>

>

> Jack, your parents are most certainly manipulating your brother to put

> pressure on you. This is called 'triangulation' and typically an abuser(s)

> will use fear, obligation, and guilt tactics to accomplish this. On this

> board it's known as FOG.

>

> This situation is terrible for you and your brother but again, there's

> nothing you can do to stop it (you can only counteract your parents poison).

> Your brother sounds very young so there's hope yet though. In my opinion the

> best option is to continue to be kind and open to your brother since you

> value the relationship. He must work through things in his own good time.

> Sending him information about BPD and family dysfunction might help, hey may

> read it, or not. Please don't take his behaviour personally because it's not

> really about you, or your choices. Reflective listening will help with this

> too, this exercise involves repeating messages back to the speaker and

> asking them if there's anything else they're feeling with that. Please

> research this method also, it could be helpful to your brother who is likely

> dying inside from your parents abuse.

>

> Continue to attempt to contact your brother even if he refuses, unless he

> specifically tells you to stop trying to contact him, this will show him

> that you still want a relationship and over time he may begin to clear some

> of the FOG he's in.

>

> You have every right and obligation to yourself to keep your distance from

> people that abuse you, including your older brother. It sounds like he might

> be a bit narcisisstic, or a lot. Please read up on narcisissm it helped me a

> lot; I too have an older brother who is outrageously NPD. They should put my

> bada's picture in the dictionary next to 'narcisissm'

>

> It's tough I know, I am LC with my nada and one bada and NO Contact with my

> NPD bada. I am sorry you have to deal with all of this but I promise it can

> get better, you must always protect yourself first though.

>

>

>