Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 no, I really don't think it's necessary at all to take a stand, but that is just me.i was thinking tonight about how i would like to just disappear out of here one day. everything that needs to be said has been said a thousand times. they don't see boundaries as real so to them it would just be an excuse to flip out and have a meltdown, say a bunch of things that would get in your head and you would have to hear over and over in there and then you might get tempted to be hoovered back in. it might not work out very well for you. I think being avoidant is what LC/NC is all about. If it's working for you I don't see the point in stirring up a big confrontation. Hugs. > > Hi everyone! > You may or may not remember me. I stopped posting about a year ago when my life got super busy (but in a good way). > > For those of you who don't remember me I'll try to sum it up. > I'm a 27 yr old sort of single mom (I'll get to that) of an 8 yr old DD. I will graduate with my BA in psych in December and then am going for my MA in counseling. > I raised my sister from the time she was 15. She's now 21 and LC with our BP Nada. We have a 24 yr old brother who just got out of prison last month. I tried to do the same for him that I did for my sister but he stole from me and lied when he lived in my home. He moved out at 17, left for hawaii, stole a car, and has been in and out of jail since. > > Our Nada is mostly Queen/Waif, but can pull out the Witch at any given moment. The story of my Nada is too long to detail. I suppose the key points are that she is still married to her most recent husband(#5) but has been separated for 2 yrs when she moved across the state to be closer to me. I did NOT want her to move closer. She believes she is destined to have a career in music and is actively pursuing it. She always blamed her children for her lack of success and that is still the case. She is highly jealous of me as the oldest daughter. She's always been super critical of her daughters weight/ hair/ appearance/ you name it. The odd thing, that I'm sure you are all familiar with, is that despite her nastiness she is a very charismatic charming woman. > > I've been trying for as long as I can remember to find balance between limiting contact but still keeping her in my life. > > About 2 years ago I ended a relationship with a man who has NPD. That relationship made me realize just how deeply my Nada had programmed me to destroy myself for the benefit of others. Even with that realization I didn't cut her out completely. I wanted to be forgiving and mature. > > So now for the new stuff and the things I'd like advice on: > > I'm now in the most wonderful relationship of my life. This man is truly so wonderful. He knows about Nada and is nothing but supportive. I plan to marry him but am still working on what a marriage is supposed to look like and how to let him take care of me without feeling I am taking advantage of him as I saw Nada do with every man she ever encountered. > The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. I haven't spoken to her in 2 months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want to go NC now. I finally want to cut all ties and let her go. My therapist is telling me I am being avoidant and that if I'm truly going NC I need to be assertive about it. I'm not really sure what if anything I should do. I know the fury I will be met with if I tell her anything and I know that she won't hear anything I have to say. I also know that if I don't make it clear she will continue to guilt me into speaking to her eventually. > > Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is a good way to go NC? If you didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were going NC how do you deal with the attempts to contact and the flying monkies? > > Sorry for the long post. > Thanks in advance for any thoughts > Riah > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 no, I really don't think it's necessary at all to take a stand, but that is just me.i was thinking tonight about how i would like to just disappear out of here one day. everything that needs to be said has been said a thousand times. they don't see boundaries as real so to them it would just be an excuse to flip out and have a meltdown, say a bunch of things that would get in your head and you would have to hear over and over in there and then you might get tempted to be hoovered back in. it might not work out very well for you. I think being avoidant is what LC/NC is all about. If it's working for you I don't see the point in stirring up a big confrontation. Hugs. > > Hi everyone! > You may or may not remember me. I stopped posting about a year ago when my life got super busy (but in a good way). > > For those of you who don't remember me I'll try to sum it up. > I'm a 27 yr old sort of single mom (I'll get to that) of an 8 yr old DD. I will graduate with my BA in psych in December and then am going for my MA in counseling. > I raised my sister from the time she was 15. She's now 21 and LC with our BP Nada. We have a 24 yr old brother who just got out of prison last month. I tried to do the same for him that I did for my sister but he stole from me and lied when he lived in my home. He moved out at 17, left for hawaii, stole a car, and has been in and out of jail since. > > Our Nada is mostly Queen/Waif, but can pull out the Witch at any given moment. The story of my Nada is too long to detail. I suppose the key points are that she is still married to her most recent husband(#5) but has been separated for 2 yrs when she moved across the state to be closer to me. I did NOT want her to move closer. She believes she is destined to have a career in music and is actively pursuing it. She always blamed her children for her lack of success and that is still the case. She is highly jealous of me as the oldest daughter. She's always been super critical of her daughters weight/ hair/ appearance/ you name it. The odd thing, that I'm sure you are all familiar with, is that despite her nastiness she is a very charismatic charming woman. > > I've been trying for as long as I can remember to find balance between limiting contact but still keeping her in my life. > > About 2 years ago I ended a relationship with a man who has NPD. That relationship made me realize just how deeply my Nada had programmed me to destroy myself for the benefit of others. Even with that realization I didn't cut her out completely. I wanted to be forgiving and mature. > > So now for the new stuff and the things I'd like advice on: > > I'm now in the most wonderful relationship of my life. This man is truly so wonderful. He knows about Nada and is nothing but supportive. I plan to marry him but am still working on what a marriage is supposed to look like and how to let him take care of me without feeling I am taking advantage of him as I saw Nada do with every man she ever encountered. > The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. I haven't spoken to her in 2 months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want to go NC now. I finally want to cut all ties and let her go. My therapist is telling me I am being avoidant and that if I'm truly going NC I need to be assertive about it. I'm not really sure what if anything I should do. I know the fury I will be met with if I tell her anything and I know that she won't hear anything I have to say. I also know that if I don't make it clear she will continue to guilt me into speaking to her eventually. > > Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is a good way to go NC? If you didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were going NC how do you deal with the attempts to contact and the flying monkies? > > Sorry for the long post. > Thanks in advance for any thoughts > Riah > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 I think that's an interesting insight, because from what I've read (if I understand it correctly) the kinds of damage inflicted by alcoholic and drug-abusing parents on their children are similar to the kinds of damage inflicted by Cluster B parents. Maybe drugs and alcohol impair the same areas of the brain that personality disorder impairs? And on top of that, I too have come to believe that my nada has this deep, chronic need to hurt me. Even thought she's nice and normal-seeming sometimes (or was; I've been in virtual no-contact for over 2 years now) she just couldn't apparently stop herself from saying something mean, critical, denigrating or insulting to me during any given time together. She just HAD to say something mean and ugly, and rather often, whether it was direct and blatant or more subtle and passive-aggressive. After a lifetime of this, I can only conclude that there simply must be a very real underlying hate or possibly resentment in there somewhere inside her toward me that she can't acknowledge to herself, and she can't completely cover it up, and it has to seep out. All I do know is that if you really like someone, if you *love* a person you don't treat them the way my mother has always treated me. That is not love. I don't know what the real dynamic is; maybe her caring behaviors were just her feeling a sense of obligation or duty, or a feeling like managing an investment, but I'm pretty damned sure its not love. -Annie > > > > Do you think your therapist meant that " taking a stand " is to decide if you will be NC or not? That is kind of how I interpret it. I am mostly NC but get together for 1-3 large family events so the kids can see their cousins, etc. I find that ANY contact with nada, she takes as everything being all better and wants to see us more, writes emails, asks us to meet them. So I have found that the less I contact her or respond, the better. > > > > Sorry if I am repeating this, but I think of seeing nada to be like giving an alcholic one little drink and then she can't stop, she has to have more until she has consumed me. It is similar to the idea that nada will be miserable with or without you, so you might as well save yourself instead of letting her take you down with her. This helped me feel much less guilty about my decisions. > > > > I think I would have your therapist elaborate and explore your NC/LC decision with you more. I worked into NC over time and still get together at times when I want to. Some here have even resumed contact when they feel strong enough to keep boundaries and a lot can depend on what level of bpd your nada is. I would suggest giving yourself the time you need. Nada's have pressured us every step of the way our whole lives. This decision is all yours and you need to do what is best for you, when it's best for you. My experience is that nadas get worse for awhile when you cut off contact more until they see that their shinanigans to pull you back in aren't working anymore. > > > > Setting boundaries with nada can take some practice. My nada turned to stalking for about a year and I considered a restraining order at one point. Read up on the SWOES books, etc and prepare yourself. > > > > patinage > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 5, 2010 Report Share Posted September 5, 2010 Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts. I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back. This is my last semester of my Bachelors degree so its taking a lot of my time. I can't wait to graduate though! I'm considering my next move with nada very carefully. So far I have not contacted her. I think that if I do it will be a letter. I let both my brother and sister know that I am ceasing contact permanently. I was very concerned about their reaction. Their father is dying of throat cancer and they have both become enmeshed in his death. I was concerned that when nada dies they will do the same and be upset with me that I am not going to be involved with her. I suppose the scariest part is that I have graduation coming up in a few months and a wedding in the future and I will not have any parents there. The reality is that I haven't truly had a parent ever. Reconciling this has been difficult for me. It's quite nice being back on the board and feeling the support of those who have and are going through the same things. Thanks again everyone. Riah > > Hi everyone! > You may or may not remember me. I stopped posting about a year ago when my life got super busy (but in a good way). > > For those of you who don't remember me I'll try to sum it up. > I'm a 27 yr old sort of single mom (I'll get to that) of an 8 yr old DD. I will graduate with my BA in psych in December and then am going for my MA in counseling. > I raised my sister from the time she was 15. She's now 21 and LC with our BP Nada. We have a 24 yr old brother who just got out of prison last month. I tried to do the same for him that I did for my sister but he stole from me and lied when he lived in my home. He moved out at 17, left for hawaii, stole a car, and has been in and out of jail since. > > Our Nada is mostly Queen/Waif, but can pull out the Witch at any given moment. The story of my Nada is too long to detail. I suppose the key points are that she is still married to her most recent husband(#5) but has been separated for 2 yrs when she moved across the state to be closer to me. I did NOT want her to move closer. She believes she is destined to have a career in music and is actively pursuing it. She always blamed her children for her lack of success and that is still the case. She is highly jealous of me as the oldest daughter. She's always been super critical of her daughters weight/ hair/ appearance/ you name it. The odd thing, that I'm sure you are all familiar with, is that despite her nastiness she is a very charismatic charming woman. > > I've been trying for as long as I can remember to find balance between limiting contact but still keeping her in my life. > > About 2 years ago I ended a relationship with a man who has NPD. That relationship made me realize just how deeply my Nada had programmed me to destroy myself for the benefit of others. Even with that realization I didn't cut her out completely. I wanted to be forgiving and mature. > > So now for the new stuff and the things I'd like advice on: > > I'm now in the most wonderful relationship of my life. This man is truly so wonderful. He knows about Nada and is nothing but supportive. I plan to marry him but am still working on what a marriage is supposed to look like and how to let him take care of me without feeling I am taking advantage of him as I saw Nada do with every man she ever encountered. > The longer I'm with him the nastier Nada becomes. I haven't spoken to her in 2 months. She calls and I just don't answer. I want to go NC now. I finally want to cut all ties and let her go. My therapist is telling me I am being avoidant and that if I'm truly going NC I need to be assertive about it. I'm not really sure what if anything I should do. I know the fury I will be met with if I tell her anything and I know that she won't hear anything I have to say. I also know that if I don't make it clear she will continue to guilt me into speaking to her eventually. > > Do you think that " taking a stand " so to speak is a good way to go NC? If you didn't tell your individual with BPD that you were going NC how do you deal with the attempts to contact and the flying monkies? > > Sorry for the long post. > Thanks in advance for any thoughts > Riah > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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