Re: Sister Getting Married

August 16, 2010

You know, I can't imagine a more potent toxic stew than this - it is almost

certain to make a mess of your sister's wedding if you are the maid of honor.

She can't be thinking straight or she'd know better than to ask you, and it's

obvious from what you've said that she's making excuses for your mom, denying

the reality of the mess that is your FOO, etc.

SO - if you go on with this, it will make her wedding a freak show, cause you

great stress, let the FOO think they've got their hooks back into you (and

remember, a wedding isn't just the one day - it's the MONTHS of planning and

events in preparation).

So hey, what's not to like?

If we were voting, I'd vote that you tell your sister AND her fiance that you

care deeply about them, want to have a good relationship with them, and want

their wedding to be beautiful, which is why you CANNOT be the maid of honor -

and you may not even be able to attend because you don't want the inevitable

drama to distract from your sister's big day. HOWEVER - you want to take them

to a nice dinner, or you want to go with your sister to the pre-wedding hairdo

tryout, or something like that - just the two of you - so that you can be a

small part of the proceedings. Then ask for a video of the wedding so the three

of you can celebrate after they get back from the honeymoon.

I am betting that eventually the new husband is going to want at least one sane

in-law and you might become that treasured haven of calm for him and your

sister. You know, as soon as the wedding is over, nosy, crazy and pushy in-laws

immediately start campaigning for grandchildren. The madness never really

stops.

In any event, start now to watch episodes of " Bridezillas " because you are in

for the ride of your life if you go through with this!

>

> Hi All, Just another day in drama land. About 2 weeks ago my little sister

announced her engagement. Of course she acted like I was one of the first to

know, but she has no clue that I have secretly been talking to a cousin now for

about 2 years, and I know the whole family found out before me. I just faked my

OMG joy even thought this whole debacle has been going on for about 2 years now

and was very much planned/forced.

>

> Anyway little sis asked me to be her Maid of Honor, which is awkward to say

the least since I have been n/c w/ the foo for 8 1/2 years will be nearly 10 by

the time of her wedding. I sincerely want to be there for her, but I get the

feeling that she wants me there for the foo, and is using her wedding as tool of

manipulation. I know I mean nothing more than a scandalous photo op to the foo.

It will just be a " See we won we were right " moment; they don't care about my

sister getting married. I on the other hand care very much about my sister, and

I will not let her, or myself be hurt by them.

>

> My sister is a tad narcissistic to boot which makes thing a bit trickier. She

is worried they will talk to me or spend time with me, not her on the day of her

wedding, since I am something of a novelty in her mind as I have not been around

for about a decade. But the thing is I don't want their attention, I just want

to live my normal life and support my sister, 2 things that won't be possible

when they are around. Her other concern is that they will attack me and I will

feel uncomfortable. WELL DUH!

>

> I invited sis and her fiancé over on the weekend of their choice to talk about

this over dinner, but her excess was " the weekends are all about them now " which

was as vain of answer I ever heard. So I told her if she can't give me 2 hours

to talk and eat together than I didn't think I should be in her wedding. Of

course changed her mind, but I almost wish she didn't because it really showed

me how she feels. Basically this whole thing she has been a poop.

>

> She wants me to jump through hoops of fire for her, but she is unwilling to

compromise, and she keeps telling me " you have to be willing to compromise " well

that's the pot calling kettle black.

>

> I told her don't your remember Mom falsely accused me of stealing her money,

credit cards, gold, cell phones, don't you remember? She told me, Yeah mom

couldn't find them. I said So she blamed me? I never took them! But she told

everybody I did! I lost all my friends; they thought I was a thief! Then she

told everybody I joined a cult! My sister said, yeah because you stopped talking

to her. I said So she told people I joined a cult! Maybe I stopped talking to

her because of the way she was acting! Then I said to my sister Mom falsely

accused my husband In the Court of Law of beating me and my children! She said

yeah but she didn't know. EXACTLY I said, she didn't know! It was NOT true! But

she told everybody it was, we lost all our friends and family, almost lost our

children and none of it was true, she never said sorry, I am not going back!

>

> Now they blame me, they are mad at me for my mom's pain, but she caused the

pain for herself and for us and they say I do not compromise! WHAT?! Then my

sister said " what if mom stands in front of everybody at the wedding and tells

that it was all a lie " I just think to myself, too little too late, and she

would Never do that anyway. Plus I don't want my sisters wedding ruined the way

my life was ruined.

>

> I have to make up my mind if her wedding is something I can do or not. If I go

it will have to be with a screw the world protect my sister attitude. I will

only have 1 cousin there who will be on my side, but that has to be kept secret

or they will disown her too and I would never want that for her. I won't know

anybody and it will be like walking into a lions den and cuffed. I am not sure I

can do it, I am not sure my sister really wants me there. A week ago I would

have said yes I am going, but as events unfold, I am leaning towards no, because

of my sisters vain attitude. And she doesn't really care for me the way I care

for her. Maybe if my mom gets hit by a bus, then I will go, but otherwise, I

don't know if it is possible.

>

> DH told me, don't answer her right away, he said a lot can happen in 1 year he

said maybe they will have a blow up and my sister will need me. But I feel like

I need to make a choice. I can't be emotional over this and tear myself up over

a wedding. I need to know what my next step will be and stick to it one way or

another. Normally I am fairly emotional, but when it comes to my mom, I need to

use rational thoughts only; emotion gets me nowhere but trouble.

>

> I am sorry for my sister, even though I know she is naive and narcissistic. I

still want to be there for her. But I can't throw myself under the bus. I need

to help myself too. It's just so hard!! Why is it so hard to help yourself but

not somebody else? Thanks for listening. LB

>

August 16, 2010

From me: ditto what wrote. Very well put.

I too would advise you to graciously turn down the offer to be the maid of

honor, and let your sister know that you love her too much to let *anything*

interfere with her having a sweet, lovely wedding that is as smooth and

drama-free as possible. Emphasize how much you are looking forward to spending

time with her when you can be alone (or just with her and her fiance: no nada)

and that you're excited about the wedding present you're going to get them,

etc., etc. I think if you put a positive spin on the idea that you're wanting

her wedding to be all about her special day, and not about you and your nada and

unpleasant drama, that should do the job.

Best of luck to you; I hope that works.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi All, Just another day in drama land. About 2 weeks ago my little sister

announced her engagement. Of course she acted like I was one of the first to

know, but she has no clue that I have secretly been talking to a cousin now for

about 2 years, and I know the whole family found out before me. I just faked my

OMG joy even thought this whole debacle has been going on for about 2 years now

and was very much planned/forced.

> >

> > Anyway little sis asked me to be her Maid of Honor, which is awkward to say

the least since I have been n/c w/ the foo for 8 1/2 years will be nearly 10 by

the time of her wedding. I sincerely want to be there for her, but I get the

feeling that she wants me there for the foo, and is using her wedding as tool of

manipulation. I know I mean nothing more than a scandalous photo op to the foo.

It will just be a " See we won we were right " moment; they don't care about my

sister getting married. I on the other hand care very much about my sister, and

I will not let her, or myself be hurt by them.

> >

> > My sister is a tad narcissistic to boot which makes thing a bit trickier.

She is worried they will talk to me or spend time with me, not her on the day of

her wedding, since I am something of a novelty in her mind as I have not been

around for about a decade. But the thing is I don't want their attention, I just

want to live my normal life and support my sister, 2 things that won't be

possible when they are around. Her other concern is that they will attack me and

I will feel uncomfortable. WELL DUH!

> >

> > I invited sis and her fiancé over on the weekend of their choice to talk

about this over dinner, but her excess was " the weekends are all about them now "

which was as vain of answer I ever heard. So I told her if she can't give me 2

hours to talk and eat together than I didn't think I should be in her wedding.

Of course changed her mind, but I almost wish she didn't because it really

showed me how she feels. Basically this whole thing she has been a poop.

> >

> > She wants me to jump through hoops of fire for her, but she is unwilling to

compromise, and she keeps telling me " you have to be willing to compromise " well

that's the pot calling kettle black.

> >

> > I told her don't your remember Mom falsely accused me of stealing her money,