Re: the first time I have really discussed my BPD mother.

[Guest guest]

I think you're right. The level of your nada's (and my nada's) obsessiveness,

extremism, need for attention, need for absolute control and the on-again,

off-again paranoid and delusional thinking are more than " just " bpd. Possibly

indicates a co-morbidity of something else, like a delusional disorder, perhaps.

(I'm no doctor, just a KO speculating and giving an amateur opinion.)

I too experienced that extreme anger, the terrifying, bullying behavior towards

myself as a small child, the using her children to get attention (we were often

forced to attend various performing classes and have recitals) and the obsession

with sexual matters. Like you, my little Sister and I were unnaturally

well-behaved and it was because we were scared shitless of making mommy mad.

Like yours, my nada knew how to spank us and beat us with a belt without causing

enough damage to warrant a doctor visit. Plus, we'd be so ashamed that we would

hide our bruises and welts.

Depending on the individual child's level of resilience, I suppose, this kind of

traumatic, oppressive growing-up environment can do permanent damage;

life-path-altering damage. I wound up broken and merged with my parents in a

kind of Stockholm-Syndrome way for the first 30-some-odd years of my life, then

they basically dumped me and moved away, and I've spent the rest of my life

quietly trying to heal.

In the last 10 years I've been happier than I've ever been, so I know that

healing is possible. I just wish that there were some way to rescue kids from

abusive parents earlier in life, so they would have the opportunity to become

individuated and know themselves and have a fully self-actualized life earlier

instead of later. That they could be normalized earlier.

-Annie

>

> Trying to put together a concise, clear description of what it was like for me

to grow up with a mother like mine is incredibly hard. So many things, its so

hard to know where to start – or even more difficult – to know where to stop. I

feel like I could write forever about it all.

> Ive never really gone into a lot of detail about my mother to people. When I

do, people kinda freak out and I stop. I feel that they are going to think that

because she was mentally ill, I will be too. Particularly partners. I get the

feeling that once they know about her, they will watch to see if I have the same

characteristics – I know I would! I believe my mother is BPD with a very liberal

dose of paranoid delusions.

>

> When it comes to children she is violent, abusive, manipulative and she has an

obsession with thinking everyone is guilty of sexual abuse (despite never having

been abused herself).

>

> Growing up it was a constant battle to know when she would go off the deep

end, trying to " be good " all the time. Strangers used to tell her that she had

raised such perfectly mannered children, which I think vindicated her behaviour

in her eyes. We were terrified of making her mad. She was an artist at

physically assaulting you without leaving a mark. If you got a bruise from

playing outside she would fly into rages – paranoid that people would find out

that she beat us. We got raged at for not getting good enough marks, not getting

marks the same as eachother, enjoying anything we did get good marks at, having

different friends, having any friends, getting sick, etc.

>

> Imagine being 5 years old, having an enraged woman pulling you close by the

neck of your shirt, eyes flickering back and forth, spitting as she ferociously

told you exactly what a rapist would do to you if he got you alone in a public

toilet, in graphic detail. She made sure that we thought EVERYONE was a child

molester or rapist, even our own stepdad. We were terrified to be alone with him

at times.

> If you ever argued back she would threaten to leave us at an orphanage, or put

us into foster care, where, you guessed it, someone would rape us. She gave us

boys haricuts but would dress us up in ridiculous frilly outfits. It was

bizarre.

>

> She got a bit better as we got older and began to fight back somewhat. She

only ever really went to town on small defenceless kids – the reason I try to

tell my siblings to never leave their children alone with her. Not to say she

wasn't totally irrational when we were older, but she knows that adults talk,

children can be scared into silence. Looking at my school records, for the first

few years we were absent from school for at least 1/3 of the year – no doubt she

didn't like the fact that we enjoyed it and were away from her.

>

> The delusions would get worse every now and then. Once she told me that the

devil had sent her to rule the world. She went through a period when I was in

primary school, where she was convinced that my sister wasn't able to walk (and

convinced my sister, who was rather suggestible). She paraded her around in a

wheelchair, and when doctors told her that there was nothing wrong with her, she

became convinced that the government was out to get her, took us kids out of

school and we had to go into hiding. My sister " miraculously " recovered when my

mother decided the cause was that she had too many teeth, and had 4 removed. As

my sister apparently recovered after this, she went on TV to say that she had

discovered the cure to almost everything. She had 8 of my teeth removed (for no

reason), and I recall being in the dentist chair, holding my breath as the

dentist and Mum argued over me about taking all my teeth out. She insisted that

I could eat through a straw and get false teeth when I was an adult. I was 13.

He refused, and Mum went on to buy her own dental pliers, and planned to take

out our teeth herself. Thankfully she never got around to it.

>

> She still thinks that teeth (as well as olive oil) are the cause of everything

wrong with a person. All us siblings tell new partners who meet mum for the

first time " don't mention teeth or olive oil.. actually, just talk about the

weather " . Otherwise she will get into a fervour and lecture you, and as soon as

you look like you don't believe her, a rage. Once she decides she doesnt like

your partner, she makes life hell trying to break you up.

>

> More to come later...

>

[Guest guest]

Hi crazy,

Any child who seriously contemplates suicide at the age of 8 is being severely,

SEVERELY abused in some way; I am convinced of this, totally.

Its just a shame and a tragedy that you and your siblings weren't rescued from

your extremely severely disturbed mother. I'm so sorry that you and your sibs

had to endure being raised by someone who was clearly not really capable of

being a responsible, caring, nurturing, good-enough parent. Such individuals do

untold, long-lasting if not permanent damage to the children in their " care. "

I'm so sorry.

As in your case, my nada did not grow up in an abusive environment. Her parents

and sibs were just average, normal, decent, OK people. My own experience of my

maternal grandparents (and my aunts) is that they were/are simply kind, loving,

and sweet to me and my little Sister and to our cousins, and to people in

general. My mother's two sisters are shocked and bewildered by my mother's

claims that their parents abused and neglected them (in general) and her (in

particular.)

My own mother is the ONLY person I know who ever flew into red-faced screaming

tantrums, screamed at me, beat me and terrorized me and my little Sister, and

hurled verbal abuse at her own older sister when she could get her sister alone.

NObody in my nada's family acts like that, except my own nada. I'm convinced

that something got badly scrambled in my mother's brain, at some point in her

life; badly scrambled. She perceives the world through a " negative filter. "

As far as my nada is concerned, everyone is a competitor or out to get her, or

owed her servitude; she even feels angry at and competitive with her own

children. With my nada, its all about negativity, competitiveness, jealousy,

criticism, and total control.

Its all so sadly negative and depressing. BPD has got to be some kind of

organic brain disease or dysfunction, seems to me. And its just so tragic that

someone like my nada could just be allowed to raise children and mess with our

heads so badly with nobody to say, " Hey, that's not OK. " Our dad was totally

" hands off " when it came to child-rearing; whatever extreme, bizarre thing his

wife wanted to do to his kids was OK with him.

So tragic.

-Annie

> >

> > Trying to put together a concise, clear description of what it was like for

me to grow up with a mother like mine is incredibly hard. So many things, its so

hard to know where to start – or even more difficult – to know where to stop. I

feel like I could write forever about it all.

> > Ive never really gone into a lot of detail about my mother to people. When I

do, people kinda freak out and I stop. I feel that they are going to think that

because she was mentally ill, I will be too. Particularly partners. I get the

feeling that once they know about her, they will watch to see if I have the same

characteristics – I know I would! I believe my mother is BPD with a very liberal

dose of paranoid delusions.

> >

> > When it comes to children she is violent, abusive, manipulative and she has

an obsession with thinking everyone is guilty of sexual abuse (despite never

having been abused herself).

> >

> > Growing up it was a constant battle to know when she would go off the deep

end, trying to " be good " all the time. Strangers used to tell her that she had

raised such perfectly mannered children, which I think vindicated her behaviour

in her eyes. We were terrified of making her mad. She was an artist at

physically assaulting you without leaving a mark. If you got a bruise from

playing outside she would fly into rages – paranoid that people would find out

that she beat us. We got raged at for not getting good enough marks, not getting

marks the same as eachother, enjoying anything we did get good marks at, having

different friends, having any friends, getting sick, etc.

> >

> > Imagine being 5 years old, having an enraged woman pulling you close by the

neck of your shirt, eyes flickering back and forth, spitting as she ferociously

told you exactly what a rapist would do to you if he got you alone in a public

toilet, in graphic detail. She made sure that we thought EVERYONE was a child

molester or rapist, even our own stepdad. We were terrified to be alone with him

at times.

> > If you ever argued back she would threaten to leave us at an orphanage, or

put us into foster care, where, you guessed it, someone would rape us. She gave

us boys haricuts but would dress us up in ridiculous frilly outfits. It was

bizarre.

> >

> > She got a bit better as we got older and began to fight back somewhat. She

only ever really went to town on small defenceless kids – the reason I try to

tell my siblings to never leave their children alone with her. Not to say she

wasn't totally irrational when we were older, but she knows that adults talk,

children can be scared into silence. Looking at my school records, for the first

few years we were absent from school for at least 1/3 of the year – no doubt she

didn't like the fact that we enjoyed it and were away from her.

> >

> > The delusions would get worse every now and then. Once she told me that the

devil had sent her to rule the world. She went through a period when I was in

primary school, where she was convinced that my sister wasn't able to walk (and

convinced my sister, who was rather suggestible). She paraded her around in a

wheelchair, and when doctors told her that there was nothing wrong with her, she

became convinced that the government was out to get her, took us kids out of

school and we had to go into hiding. My sister " miraculously " recovered when my

mother decided the cause was that she had too many teeth, and had 4 removed. As

my sister apparently recovered after this, she went on TV to say that she had

discovered the cure to almost everything. She had 8 of my teeth removed (for no

reason), and I recall being in the dentist chair, holding my breath as the

dentist and Mum argued over me about taking all my teeth out. She insisted that

I could eat through a straw and get false teeth when I was an adult. I was 13.

He refused, and Mum went on to buy her own dental pliers, and planned to take

out our teeth herself. Thankfully she never got around to it.

> >

> > She still thinks that teeth (as well as olive oil) are the cause of

everything wrong with a person. All us siblings tell new partners who meet mum

for the first time " don't mention teeth or olive oil.. actually, just talk about

the weather " . Otherwise she will get into a fervour and lecture you, and as soon

as you look like you don't believe her, a rage. Once she decides she doesnt like

your partner, she makes life hell trying to break you up.

> >

> > More to come later...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi crazy,

Any child who seriously contemplates suicide at the age of 8 is being severely,

SEVERELY abused in some way; I am convinced of this, totally.

Its just a shame and a tragedy that you and your siblings weren't rescued from

your extremely severely disturbed mother. I'm so sorry that you and your sibs

had to endure being raised by someone who was clearly not really capable of

being a responsible, caring, nurturing, good-enough parent. Such individuals do

untold, long-lasting if not permanent damage to the children in their " care. "

I'm so sorry.

As in your case, my nada did not grow up in an abusive environment. Her parents

and sibs were just average, normal, decent, OK people. My own experience of my

maternal grandparents (and my aunts) is that they were/are simply kind, loving,

and sweet to me and my little Sister and to our cousins, and to people in

general. My mother's two sisters are shocked and bewildered by my mother's

claims that their parents abused and neglected them (in general) and her (in

particular.)

My own mother is the ONLY person I know who ever flew into red-faced screaming

tantrums, screamed at me, beat me and terrorized me and my little Sister, and

hurled verbal abuse at her own older sister when she could get her sister alone.

NObody in my nada's family acts like that, except my own nada. I'm convinced

that something got badly scrambled in my mother's brain, at some point in her

life; badly scrambled. She perceives the world through a " negative filter. "

As far as my nada is concerned, everyone is a competitor or out to get her, or

owed her servitude; she even feels angry at and competitive with her own

children. With my nada, its all about negativity, competitiveness, jealousy,

criticism, and total control.

Its all so sadly negative and depressing. BPD has got to be some kind of

organic brain disease or dysfunction, seems to me. And its just so tragic that

someone like my nada could just be allowed to raise children and mess with our

heads so badly with nobody to say, " Hey, that's not OK. " Our dad was totally

" hands off " when it came to child-rearing; whatever extreme, bizarre thing his

wife wanted to do to his kids was OK with him.

So tragic.

-Annie

> >

> > Trying to put together a concise, clear description of what it was like for

me to grow up with a mother like mine is incredibly hard. So many things, its so

hard to know where to start – or even more difficult – to know where to stop. I

feel like I could write forever about it all.

> > Ive never really gone into a lot of detail about my mother to people. When I

do, people kinda freak out and I stop. I feel that they are going to think that

because she was mentally ill, I will be too. Particularly partners. I get the

feeling that once they know about her, they will watch to see if I have the same

characteristics – I know I would! I believe my mother is BPD with a very liberal

dose of paranoid delusions.

> >

> > When it comes to children she is violent, abusive, manipulative and she has

an obsession with thinking everyone is guilty of sexual abuse (despite never

having been abused herself).

> >

> > Growing up it was a constant battle to know when she would go off the deep

end, trying to " be good " all the time. Strangers used to tell her that she had

raised such perfectly mannered children, which I think vindicated her behaviour

in her eyes. We were terrified of making her mad. She was an artist at

physically assaulting you without leaving a mark. If you got a bruise from

playing outside she would fly into rages – paranoid that people would find out

that she beat us. We got raged at for not getting good enough marks, not getting

marks the same as eachother, enjoying anything we did get good marks at, having

different friends, having any friends, getting sick, etc.

> >

> > Imagine being 5 years old, having an enraged woman pulling you close by the

neck of your shirt, eyes flickering back and forth, spitting as she ferociously

told you exactly what a rapist would do to you if he got you alone in a public

toilet, in graphic detail. She made sure that we thought EVERYONE was a child

molester or rapist, even our own stepdad. We were terrified to be alone with him

at times.

> > If you ever argued back she would threaten to leave us at an orphanage, or

put us into foster care, where, you guessed it, someone would rape us. She gave

us boys haricuts but would dress us up in ridiculous frilly outfits. It was

bizarre.

> >

> > She got a bit better as we got older and began to fight back somewhat. She

only ever really went to town on small defenceless kids – the reason I try to

tell my siblings to never leave their children alone with her. Not to say she

wasn't totally irrational when we were older, but she knows that adults talk,

children can be scared into silence. Looking at my school records, for the first

few years we were absent from school for at least 1/3 of the year – no doubt she

didn't like the fact that we enjoyed it and were away from her.

> >

> > The delusions would get worse every now and then. Once she told me that the

devil had sent her to rule the world. She went through a period when I was in

primary school, where she was convinced that my sister wasn't able to walk (and

convinced my sister, who was rather suggestible). She paraded her around in a

wheelchair, and when doctors told her that there was nothing wrong with her, she

became convinced that the government was out to get her, took us kids out of

school and we had to go into hiding. My sister " miraculously " recovered when my

mother decided the cause was that she had too many teeth, and had 4 removed. As

my sister apparently recovered after this, she went on TV to say that she had

discovered the cure to almost everything. She had 8 of my teeth removed (for no

reason), and I recall being in the dentist chair, holding my breath as the

dentist and Mum argued over me about taking all my teeth out. She insisted that

I could eat through a straw and get false teeth when I was an adult. I was 13.

He refused, and Mum went on to buy her own dental pliers, and planned to take

out our teeth herself. Thankfully she never got around to it.

> >

> > She still thinks that teeth (as well as olive oil) are the cause of

everything wrong with a person. All us siblings tell new partners who meet mum

for the first time " don't mention teeth or olive oil.. actually, just talk about

the weather " . Otherwise she will get into a fervour and lecture you, and as soon

as you look like you don't believe her, a rage. Once she decides she doesnt like

your partner, she makes life hell trying to break you up.

> >

> > More to come later...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi crazy,

Any child who seriously contemplates suicide at the age of 8 is being severely,

SEVERELY abused in some way; I am convinced of this, totally.

Its just a shame and a tragedy that you and your siblings weren't rescued from

your extremely severely disturbed mother. I'm so sorry that you and your sibs

had to endure being raised by someone who was clearly not really capable of

being a responsible, caring, nurturing, good-enough parent. Such individuals do

untold, long-lasting if not permanent damage to the children in their " care. "

I'm so sorry.

As in your case, my nada did not grow up in an abusive environment. Her parents

and sibs were just average, normal, decent, OK people. My own experience of my

maternal grandparents (and my aunts) is that they were/are simply kind, loving,

and sweet to me and my little Sister and to our cousins, and to people in

general. My mother's two sisters are shocked and bewildered by my mother's

claims that their parents abused and neglected them (in general) and her (in

particular.)

My own mother is the ONLY person I know who ever flew into red-faced screaming

tantrums, screamed at me, beat me and terrorized me and my little Sister, and

hurled verbal abuse at her own older sister when she could get her sister alone.

NObody in my nada's family acts like that, except my own nada. I'm convinced

that something got badly scrambled in my mother's brain, at some point in her

life; badly scrambled. She perceives the world through a " negative filter. "

As far as my nada is concerned, everyone is a competitor or out to get her, or

owed her servitude; she even feels angry at and competitive with her own

children. With my nada, its all about negativity, competitiveness, jealousy,

criticism, and total control.

Its all so sadly negative and depressing. BPD has got to be some kind of

organic brain disease or dysfunction, seems to me. And its just so tragic that

someone like my nada could just be allowed to raise children and mess with our

heads so badly with nobody to say, " Hey, that's not OK. " Our dad was totally

" hands off " when it came to child-rearing; whatever extreme, bizarre thing his

wife wanted to do to his kids was OK with him.

So tragic.

-Annie

> >

> > Trying to put together a concise, clear description of what it was like for

me to grow up with a mother like mine is incredibly hard. So many things, its so

hard to know where to start – or even more difficult – to know where to stop. I

feel like I could write forever about it all.

> > Ive never really gone into a lot of detail about my mother to people. When I

do, people kinda freak out and I stop. I feel that they are going to think that

because she was mentally ill, I will be too. Particularly partners. I get the

feeling that once they know about her, they will watch to see if I have the same

characteristics – I know I would! I believe my mother is BPD with a very liberal

dose of paranoid delusions.

> >

> > When it comes to children she is violent, abusive, manipulative and she has

an obsession with thinking everyone is guilty of sexual abuse (despite never

having been abused herself).

> >

> > Growing up it was a constant battle to know when she would go off the deep

end, trying to " be good " all the time. Strangers used to tell her that she had

raised such perfectly mannered children, which I think vindicated her behaviour

in her eyes. We were terrified of making her mad. She was an artist at

physically assaulting you without leaving a mark. If you got a bruise from

playing outside she would fly into rages – paranoid that people would find out

that she beat us. We got raged at for not getting good enough marks, not getting

marks the same as eachother, enjoying anything we did get good marks at, having

different friends, having any friends, getting sick, etc.

> >

> > Imagine being 5 years old, having an enraged woman pulling you close by the

neck of your shirt, eyes flickering back and forth, spitting as she ferociously

told you exactly what a rapist would do to you if he got you alone in a public

toilet, in graphic detail. She made sure that we thought EVERYONE was a child

molester or rapist, even our own stepdad. We were terrified to be alone with him

at times.

> > If you ever argued back she would threaten to leave us at an orphanage, or

put us into foster care, where, you guessed it, someone would rape us. She gave

us boys haricuts but would dress us up in ridiculous frilly outfits. It was

bizarre.

> >

> > She got a bit better as we got older and began to fight back somewhat. She

only ever really went to town on small defenceless kids – the reason I try to

tell my siblings to never leave their children alone with her. Not to say she

wasn't totally irrational when we were older, but she knows that adults talk,

children can be scared into silence. Looking at my school records, for the first

few years we were absent from school for at least 1/3 of the year – no doubt she

didn't like the fact that we enjoyed it and were away from her.

> >

> > The delusions would get worse every now and then. Once she told me that the

devil had sent her to rule the world. She went through a period when I was in

primary school, where she was convinced that my sister wasn't able to walk (and

convinced my sister, who was rather suggestible). She paraded her around in a

wheelchair, and when doctors told her that there was nothing wrong with her, she

became convinced that the government was out to get her, took us kids out of

school and we had to go into hiding. My sister " miraculously " recovered when my

mother decided the cause was that she had too many teeth, and had 4 removed. As

my sister apparently recovered after this, she went on TV to say that she had

discovered the cure to almost everything. She had 8 of my teeth removed (for no

reason), and I recall being in the dentist chair, holding my breath as the

dentist and Mum argued over me about taking all my teeth out. She insisted that

I could eat through a straw and get false teeth when I was an adult. I was 13.

He refused, and Mum went on to buy her own dental pliers, and planned to take

out our teeth herself. Thankfully she never got around to it.

> >

> > She still thinks that teeth (as well as olive oil) are the cause of

everything wrong with a person. All us siblings tell new partners who meet mum

for the first time " don't mention teeth or olive oil.. actually, just talk about

the weather " . Otherwise she will get into a fervour and lecture you, and as soon

as you look like you don't believe her, a rage. Once she decides she doesnt like

your partner, she makes life hell trying to break you up.

> >

> > More to come later...

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so sorry your father left you with a woman who tried to kill him. He's a

.. . . insert string of bad words. I'm sorry. You deserved better.

>

>

> No worries there, the good thing about this group is reading the stories.

> On one hand its a releif to know that I wasn't the crazy one or the broken

> (?) one, because there are so many stories here that are simular to mine.

> BUt at the same time, I'm realizing that my story is one of the more severe

> examples, just like yours. For most of my life, when I'd start talking about

> the abuse, or just the " strangeness " people would seriously doubt me. People

> with normal, loving families simply cannot grasp the deapth of the illness,

> cannot understand how a parent would try to kill their child, cannot " go

> there " mentally. Most even beleived that I was the problem. But for me it

> was the norm. Even my husband thought that I was exaggerating until he saw

> her in action and he had a bit part in one of her delusions. It was really

> something innocent too, not one of her darker delusions. If my own husband

> felt that way, what do other people think?

>

> I was an only child as well, which I think compounds things. My father left

> me with her when I was 4 (after she tried to kill him) and wasn't in my life

> unless it made him look good. I have a very very small extended family, one

> aunt (her sister) is much like my mother on a lesser scale (she's more of a

> narcisist with BPD tendancies- she would do things like go hitchhiking with

> my 6yo cousin, the daughter of my other aunt and wonder why my aunt would

> freak out). My only other aunt who is relatively normal distanced herself

> from the family early on, which is likely what saved her. I was very

> isolated growing up. My reality became my mothers reality, which is the norm

> for children of mentally ill parents. They shape our reality. This means

> that I've been in therapy for a long time, undoing a lot of damage.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi girlscout! Thankyou for the welcome, this website is fabulous.

There is definitely more going on with my mother than just BPD, but when you

look at paranoia/schitzophrenic characteristics she doesnt quite fit them

either.

What frustrates me is the books that deal with how to handle someone who is

delusional, tell you to do the exact behaviour that makes BPDs worse (at least

in the case of my mother). BPDs USE their delusions to make you do what they

want - it is more controlling and calculated. My mother is well aware that

people think she is behaving badly, and is able to control it when she wants to.

She cant control the delusions, but she can control how she USES them, which

makes her so manipulative. Mum was very very careful to never talk to anyone who

could diagnose her with anything. She made sure when we were kids that we would

never talk about her to others.

Still, when she was in a rage, her delusions would come out, and I know people

had to recognise that she was sick. And they did nothing.

I would be very happy if child protection agencies recognised emotionbal and

verbal abuse from mentally ill parents for what it is, but realisticly they dont

have the resources to even deal with all the cases of severe physical abuse

(here in Aus).

Ive never been to a therapist, but Im thinking about it. Ive tried very very

hard not to have " baggage " as an adult, I figure that just because bad things

happened doesnt mean I have to be the effect of them. Coming up to being a

parent myself sometime soon stirs things up however.

>

> Hi Crazy, I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to welcome you properly.

> Honestly, I'm totally horrified by your story - and I have heard and lived a

> lot of horrible stories. But believing your children's teeth are the source

> of the world's problems? Or that aliens are breeding in the hills. Whoa!!!

>

> I'm really sorry you grew up with that. I do see the BPD traits in the

> raging, scapegoating and paranoia. But I think there is more going on. I

> mean, all our mothers are sick, but dude, I don't even understand why your

> mother wasn't institutionalized or in jail.

>

> Well, I'm very sorry that happened to you. I'm hoping you can find some

> healing here. Do you have a therapist? I'm sure that would help if you can

> find someone you trust - after everything you have been through. . . wow.

>

> And I'm with Annie, we need to change the world so that mental illness is

> recognized and children are protected. Whose in?

>

> Hugs, Girlscout

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Elora,

I was amazed at your reply - I kinda thought my mother was one of the " milder "

versions... perhaps I still have a way to go in confronting just how evil she

is.

One thing I do know is, if it had just been me, alone with my mother on that

farm I grew up on, I dont think I would have made it out alive - I would have

killed myself before the age of 13, without a doubt. I dont think my mother

would have ever tried to kill me, but I know of at least one plan of hers to

kidnap me (when I was 19... funny now, but not at the time). If she could have

kept me for ever interacting with the world, she would have.

I dont doubt at all that your story must have been extremely horrific. My

boyfriend also finds it hard to comprehend - Im sure the reality will hit home

one day when she goes off tap. Keep in mind that you are a strong person to be

here today, despite her.

Im going to go and do therapy too, whenever I can get the guys to go do it.

>

> No worries there, the good thing about this group is reading the stories. On

one hand its a releif to know that I wasn't the crazy one or the broken (?) one,

because there are so many stories here that are simular to mine. BUt at the same

time, I'm realizing that my story is one of the more severe examples, just like

yours. For most of my life, when I'd start talking about the abuse, or just the

" strangeness " people would seriously doubt me. People with normal, loving

families simply cannot grasp the deapth of the illness, cannot understand how a

parent would try to kill their child, cannot " go there " mentally. Most even

beleived that I was the problem. But for me it was the norm. Even my husband

thought that I was exaggerating until he saw her in action and he had a bit part

in one of her delusions. It was really something innocent too, not one of her

darker delusions. If my own husband felt that way, what do other people think?

>

> I was an only child as well, which I think compounds things. My father left me

with her when I was 4 (after she tried to kill him) and wasn't in my life unless

it made him look good. I have a very very small extended family, one aunt (her

sister) is much like my mother on a lesser scale (she's more of a narcisist with

BPD tendancies- she would do things like go hitchhiking with my 6yo cousin, the

daughter of my other aunt and wonder why my aunt would freak out). My only other

aunt who is relatively normal distanced herself from the family early on, which

is likely what saved her. I was very isolated growing up. My reality became my

mothers reality, which is the norm for children of mentally ill parents. They

shape our reality. This means that I've been in therapy for a long time, undoing

a lot of damage.

>