Re: my BP Mom hates my husband...

[Guest guest]

First of all, congrats on your growing family! Isn't it wonderful to have

kids and realize they're not the pit of despair and doom that your nada made

them out to be?

I have dealt with this my whole 30 years as well. I'm also very new to this

group and the diagnosis of my mom/nada but I've never been allowed to make

my own friends because she always found something terribly wrong with them

that required me to break up immediately. I'm discovering that this black

and white view of the world and people is very common in BPD.

I'm impressed that you've been able to assert yourself to her enough to

choose a husband that you love and that she doesn't like. I had to move

hundreds of miles to have my own life because whenever I'm around her I get

sucked in to her " us vs. them " mentality that leaves me totally alone since

she abandons my needs completely once she gets her way.

I don't know many strategies for dealing with a nada that you spend a lot of

time with because mine can be so manipulative and hurtful that I had to

remove myself from physical contact and most other contact too. It's not

fair that she's making you choose between her and your husband, but it

doesn't seem that BPD's understand what " fair " is to normal people.

I can say that you're not alone, though! And hopefully others further along

in their recovery can give you more practical advice.

Good luck!

>

>

> I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't

> even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least

> someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of

> my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it

> ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past

> few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo.

> old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling

> because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of things wrong with

> my husband. Some months are better than others, but overall I feel like I am

> stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of doing things/opinions that are

> stated to be the gospel and negative comments about everything my husband is

> and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over this, especially now that I

> am about to have another child. My mom has always been a big part of my life

> and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only focus on one side of a

> person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond frustrated and not

> able to understand her mental condition, and I feel completely helpless. Has

> anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> Thanks!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I too struggled with my mother hating my husband for many years... I have heard

many times that a BP sees a person as either " all good " or " all bad " ... My NADA

is definately like this and it can change over the years back and forth... My

Nada can never be kind to my sister and I at the same time so if she hates one

of us then the other she tries to be best friends with and then it will switch

when her " friend daughter " manages to " disappoint " her... She has always tried

to split my sister and I and really many relationships between her own

siblings...

As for my husband, he is my stability in my life and has been since I was

16years old... (am 32 now)... My mom has always felt threatened by him because I

value him and his opinions.. She can not stand to see those close to her give

any of their attention to someone else... so ... my husband becomes her enemy...

I found that in my head I really have to put him up on the pedestal and decide

to always side with him and stand up for him no matter what .... and whatever I

do, I never tell my mom of any disagreements ..etc between me and my husband or

else she would run wild with that info...

I hope this helped... hang in there... there are others who understand.

jen

>

> I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I don't even

know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at least someone to

relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the impact of my Mom's BP on

my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years than it ever was when I was

growing up (didn't even know what it was until the past few years). At any rate,

I got married 4 years ago...have a beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently

found out I am pregnant again. I am struggling because for the past few years my

mom has found a ton of things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than

others, but overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way

of doing things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments

about everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has always

been a big part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is beyond

frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I feel

completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

>

> Thanks!

>

[Guest guest]

My mother hated my husband when he and I were first dating. She definitely

split him and was extremely negative about him... she called him a gigolo and

player, cheater, liar, etc. It was difficult because I was early 20s and very

much in love with him. He represented the possibilities in life to me, whereas

she seemed to think of life in terms of impossibilities.

I did have my concerns about him, we did fight and had a bit of a volatile

relationship in the beginning. It would have been nice to have had a supportive

normal relationship with my mother where I could have talked that stuff out. I

made an enormous, far reaching/impacting life decision based on my mother during

that time. I regret it.

But, I moved on with my relationship with my husband, using my heart as

guidance. We moved very far away and it was the best decision I think I ever

made! Certainly up until that point in my life.

Interestingly she split him again a few times, there was a time when he could do

no wrong. What? When did that happen?? And it recently split back again to

him being the bad guy.

I've learned that my relationship with my husband is MINE. The real me, not

modeled after her or because of her in any way that I can recongize. If I had

listened to her in the beginning I would have turned my back on the love of my

life.

Who knows if you're in the same situation. The point is, it's YOUR decision to

make and YOUR relationship to take part in. Don't split your mother the way she

has split your husband. She may very well be intuitive on certain subjects, and

be right about some concerns with your husband. But everyone has good and weak

points, and it's up to you to decide if you have a healthy and loving

relationship worth fighting for.

I think therapy for you and your hubby is a great idea.

~ S

> > What I was trying to say is that she is so perceptive that sometimes she

picks up on or points out things that are completely accurate and it is almost

scary how she sees them, when I think I have hidden them from her.

[Guest guest]

My BP mother-in-law treats all of her childrens' spouses with hostility and

contempt. I believe that it would please her if her children all got divorced

so that they would focus on her needs exclusively!

[Guest guest]

Has your mother made a sincere apology to your husband for whatever it is she

did that hurt his feelings? If she did make a sincere apology and is now making

a real effort to be polite, then, yes, the ball is in his court to accept the

apology and make the effort to be polite also. But if your mother has never

apologized, maybe that's what he's waiting for?

-Annie

>

> I appreciate your input. Honestly though, as good as it is to be able to

relate to one another on a site like this...we do all have very unique

scenarios. I guess in my case, I have never been the target of my Mom's

disapproval or rage (it didn't really surface until I was gone to college), so

this is the closest it has hit to me. She is also, very high functioning in some

respects and has even been working on her disorder to a certain extent, yet

there are other areas where she can not see beyond herself. So, I don't think I

am in a FOG on this one. Its hard because she didn't always hate him, and when

things used to be OK between us all, it was great. If I had NEVER experienced

the good before, I don't know that I would be having such a hard time with all

of this...the civil thing is something I feel he could do out of respect to me

and ONLY when she is being civil to him am I asking that of him. I feel like she

comes and goes in waves, but this wave

> has lasted much longer than most. I have made a point to keep her away  from

him at any other times and put my foot down. I just feel like we are a

team...and as hard as I am working, once a month when he has to be around her

for an hour or two and she is being polite and trying, he could do the

same....ahhh the frustration...

[Guest guest]

My boyfriend doesn't care for my nada too much. I usually don't bring him when I

visit her. Sometimes I ask him to come, like on holidays, but I really don't

want to pressure him to deal with her, it's my own decision that I am in contact

with her, not his. He already deals with so much because of her - like my weird

paranoias I have because of her, or if she stresses me out, or the fact that she

is so mean to my dad he is living with us now, or that we lock our doors at

night not to keep out strangers or robbers but HER.

My nada switches between hating him and thinking he's perfect for me. He is very

shy and quiet, and she has this weird distrust of quiet people. She hates my

brothers girlfriend for the same reason. I also mentioned that he didn't have

much " experience " with girls and somehow she was convinced he was a pedophile! I

swear, she'd leave me long messages all about the perverted things he must be

into if he's not married by 30.

Casey

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> > > > I am new to this group...but my sister recommended I join today. I

> > don't even know where to begin...but I am desperate for some advice or at

> > least someone to relate to. I am almost 31 and still struggling with the

> > impact of my Mom's BP on my life. It has gotten worse over the past 5 years

> > than it ever was when I was growing up (didn't even know what it was until

> > the past few years). At any rate, I got married 4 years ago...have a

> > beautiful 20mo. old baby girl and recently found out I am pregnant again. I

> > am struggling because for the past few years my mom has found a ton of

> > things wrong with my husband. Some months are better than others, but

> > overall I feel like I am stuck in a cycle of her having a solid way of doing

> > things/opinions that are stated to be the gospel and negative comments about

> > everything my husband is and does. I am extremely upset and anxious over

> > this, especially now that I am about to have another child. My mom has

> > always been a

> > big

> >

> > > part of my life and she does have keen insight, but she tends to only

> > focus on one side of a person...not the person as a whole. My husband is

> > beyond frustrated and not able to understand her mental condition, and I

> > feel completely helpless. Has anyone else dealt with anything similar??

> >

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> > > > Thanks!

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[Guest guest]

I can fully understand and empathize with what you are going through. I went

through it too. My nada hated any guy I went out with and they would all

disappear (most without any explanation).

She hated my now ex-husband #2 for years and still does (although she now LOVES

my ex-husband #1 who I married when I was a very naive 23 year old who had never

dated any seriously before him and my nada's husband as well as she pushed me

into that one when I wanted to break it off. I got an annulment from ex #1

because who was an alcoholic wife beater as well as a closet gay who had spent

five years in Trenton State Prison for murder and I didn't know it. I was

terrified of him and he told me putting his hands around my throat and squeezing

when I found out that if I EVER tried to break it off with him, he would kill

me. He had killed before and he would do it again - no problem. The marriage

was never consummated in four and a half years and I thought something was wrong

with ME. I was a virgin when I married him as I was saving myself for my

husband on our wedding night. Fat chance! Nothing of course happened. He was

drunk as a skunk sprawled out in the middle of the bed and I slept in the

recliner at the hotel all night. My nada knew he was beating me on our return

from our honeymoon and very often thereafter. She knew he was verbally abusive

as well as emotionally abusive. She knew he was a murderer and that's how I got

the annulment because at the time a convicted felon had to have his intended

sign a paper saying he or she knew what crime they had commited and consented to

marry them anyway. It was the state's way of protecting innocent people from

these monsters, but anyway I never knew and that and the fact he was holding

hands with his male lover in front of the judge and that the marriage had never

been consummated as per my testimony, got me an annulment. Still my nada to

this day feels he was 'the best thing that ever happened to you and he was a

REAL man because he knew how to keep you in line. So what if he had to smack

you around - you needed it. All women need it to be kept in line so I give him

credit. "

I agree with the person who said it is none of your nada's business and if she

doesn't like your husband, I know it makes things difficult but i would say good

- he's a good guy then. Since you love him, that's all that counts.

Your nada is jealous of ANYONE who you get close to as this is her fear of

abandonment in all its glory coming out. MY nada tells me often she is my 'only

friend' and that 'no one else matters'. Yeah right. She also says that I am

unloveable but she HAS TO since she's my mother and has no choice. They are

nothing if not controlling or they try to be. They also of course are very

abusive verbally and emotionally when they are in the witch mode.

I know it's not easy but I had to tell my nada when she was being derogatory and

insulting towards my ex-hubby #2 behind his back to me that she either respect

my husband, our marriage and myself or I was never going to speak to her again.

It worked! Their fear of abandonment is much stronger than their jealousy of

someone else in our lives I have found so the key is to put her in her place.

She is emotionally like a two year old though and you will have to keep telling

her that over and over and over and over I'm afraid.

Only those that have or are going through what you are with a BPD nada for a

mother understand what you are going through and how to counteract their absurd,

insane, vicious behaviors. To some of the world we are rotten because 'she's

still your mother' but to those who say that, I say walk a mile in THESE shoes

with a BPD and you will no longer say that.

I hope this helps.