Re: Weekend with Nada for cousin's wedding

[Guest guest]

" Then I just need to forget I have a daughter! "

My nada used to say things like that all the time. Wow - do they hear

themselves? Your daughter may exclude you from her life for good if you talk

to her like that!

I don't understand why they think there will be no consequences for their

actions.

On Sat, Sep 18, 2010 at 5:09 PM, nolegirl050709 wrote:

>

>

> Oh gosh, this weekend could very well get me to drinking again.

>

> My cousin is getting married this weekend, so I made plans to arrive last

> night and fly out tomorrow night. Nada arrived this morning in her typical

> anxious, high-strung state. Of course, she's already given me guilt ridden

> diatribes about excluding her from my wedding, accusing me of trying to

> upstage my cousin's wedding, etc. When she lamented that she wanted to do

> something to help me and DH with our wedding, I cheerfully replied that she

> could repay us in full or in part for what we spent on the wedding. She

> said, " Why would I do that?! It's already paid for! "

>

> She's already caused a scene in the hallway with my grandmother, made rude

> remarks about my husband and his job (he works in maintenance and is one

> year away from a bachelor's but has stopped going to school temporarily for

> various, personal reasons that are none of her business), and so on. When I

> reminded her that it took her 8 years to finish her bachelor's and she was

> married to an attorney who had a nervous breakdown and now drives trucks (my

> dad), so surely maintenance work wasn't that bad, she lost it in a rage. My

> grandmother told me not to provoke her in public. I told her my mother

> shouldn't act as a fool in public and then she wouldn't be treated as such.

>

> Quite honestly, I feel that I must treat her as a parent does to a child. I

> have to remind her to lower her voice, to not cause a scene, to not

> interrupt people, to not make rude comments. I feel that my elementary

> school aged stepdaughters understand better than her how to act

> appropriately in public.

>

> It's just exhausting. And when I say that this is precisely the reason why

> I moved away, that DH and I do not visit often because of the way we

> (primarily he) is treated, I am told that we are immature and need to

> " forgive and forget. " When I remind her that he has repeatedly tried to make

> amends, and who could blame him for giving up, she says, " Is this how it's

> going to be - that you two are going to be so stuck in the past? Then I just

> need to forget I have a daughter! "

>

> At least I'm going home tomorrow. Does anyone else wonder if they are the

> ones who are crazy when in the presence of the BP? I know it's not me, but

> sometimes I question myself if it is me when I'm around her, especially when

> fleas show up. It's like I have to constantly remind myself that I'm the

> sane one when I'm around her so I don't get entirely sucked in.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You're not the crazy one.

Its just that you and I and other children of mentally ill parents have been

conditioned from birth to tolerate belligerent, intrusive, shaming, selfish,

attention-seeking behavior, or negligent behavior, or brutal, violent behavior

by this individual, our own parent, as " normal. "

And even worse: the passive, enabling spouse and/or other enabling relatives

exacerbate the negative acting-out behaviors and ensuing emotional trauma to the

victims exponentially by failing to stand up to the mentally ill family member,

which puts the seal of approval and tolerance on the mentally ill individual's

horrible behaviors. The non-mentally ill spouse or grandparent(s) instead

control and punish *the victims* of the abusive person: the children, for

" upsetting " their mentally ill parent.

Its a very, very sick dynamic.

The reason we sometimes get sucked back in is because we've been brainwashed

since childhood to take responsibility for our parent's abnormal behaviors. How

inappropriate is that?!! To make a child feel like mommy's temper tantrums,

screaming rages, physical punishments, or emotional melt-downs are her (the

child's) fault!!

Even though we are now adults, it takes real concentration to stay " in the

moment " instead of dissociating and denying or minimizing what's going on (an

unconscious childhood survival mechanism) and instead actually allow ourselves

to see and experience the reality, see the horrid, out of control, narcissistic,

manipulative behaviors for what they really are, stay calm, grounded and strong,

and either leave or enforce the boundaries we've established by carrying out the

consequences.

You are not the crazy one, but you're still existing within a crazy and

dysfunctional family dynamic in which an emotionally disordered,

out-of-control, unstable individual is given complete license to behave any

negative way she wants to with no consequences.

Just keep telling yourself, " Its not me; my mother is insane and the rest of the

family just lets her be abusive because they're weak and frightened (or) because

they're insane too. "

Repeat ad infinitum.

-Annie

>

> Oh gosh, this weekend could very well get me to drinking again.

>

> My cousin is getting married this weekend, so I made plans to arrive last

night and fly out tomorrow night. Nada arrived this morning in her typical

anxious, high-strung state. Of course, she's already given me guilt ridden

diatribes about excluding her from my wedding, accusing me of trying to upstage

my cousin's wedding, etc. When she lamented that she wanted to do something to

help me and DH with our wedding, I cheerfully replied that she could repay us in

full or in part for what we spent on the wedding. She said, " Why would I do

that?! It's already paid for! "

>

> She's already caused a scene in the hallway with my grandmother, made rude

remarks about my husband and his job (he works in maintenance and is one year

away from a bachelor's but has stopped going to school temporarily for various,

personal reasons that are none of her business), and so on. When I reminded her

that it took her 8 years to finish her bachelor's and she was married to an

attorney who had a nervous breakdown and now drives trucks (my dad), so surely

maintenance work wasn't that bad, she lost it in a rage. My grandmother told me

not to provoke her in public. I told her my mother shouldn't act as a fool in

public and then she wouldn't be treated as such.

>

> Quite honestly, I feel that I must treat her as a parent does to a child. I

have to remind her to lower her voice, to not cause a scene, to not interrupt

people, to not make rude comments. I feel that my elementary school aged

stepdaughters understand better than her how to act appropriately in public.

>

> It's just exhausting. And when I say that this is precisely the reason why I

moved away, that DH and I do not visit often because of the way we (primarily

he) is treated, I am told that we are immature and need to " forgive and forget. "

When I remind her that he has repeatedly tried to make amends, and who could

blame him for giving up, she says, " Is this how it's going to be - that you two

are going to be so stuck in the past? Then I just need to forget I have a

daughter! "

>

> At least I'm going home tomorrow. Does anyone else wonder if they are the

ones who are crazy when in the presence of the BP? I know it's not me, but

sometimes I question myself if it is me when I'm around her, especially when

fleas show up. It's like I have to constantly remind myself that I'm the sane

one when I'm around her so I don't get entirely sucked in.

>

[Guest guest]

I do respond like this and it is like they push a button on me and I respond

back when I wish I wouldn't. Someone told me once about some Al anon stuff where

you imagine the energy/comments/whatever coming at you and you visualize it as

going 'around' you, instead of it coming at you and responding. I am sorry that

she is so abusive of your husband...she really doesn't even seem to see you, she

just sees a reflection of herself and all her inadequacies. I wonder how your

husband would feel if you guys agreed to just ignore her statements and not

respond to them for the sake of both of your mental health. Sometimes a spouse

would prefer the child of the crazy person stand up for them so that's

understandable though.

>

> Oh gosh, this weekend could very well get me to drinking again.

>

> My cousin is getting married this weekend, so I made plans to arrive last

night and fly out tomorrow night. Nada arrived this morning in her typical

anxious, high-strung state. Of course, she's already given me guilt ridden

diatribes about excluding her from my wedding, accusing me of trying to upstage

my cousin's wedding, etc. When she lamented that she wanted to do something to

help me and DH with our wedding, I cheerfully replied that she could repay us in

full or in part for what we spent on the wedding. She said, " Why would I do

that?! It's already paid for! "

>

> She's already caused a scene in the hallway with my grandmother, made rude

remarks about my husband and his job (he works in maintenance and is one year

away from a bachelor's but has stopped going to school temporarily for various,

personal reasons that are none of her business), and so on. When I reminded her

that it took her 8 years to finish her bachelor's and she was married to an

attorney who had a nervous breakdown and now drives trucks (my dad), so surely

maintenance work wasn't that bad, she lost it in a rage. My grandmother told me

not to provoke her in public. I told her my mother shouldn't act as a fool in

public and then she wouldn't be treated as such.

>

> Quite honestly, I feel that I must treat her as a parent does to a child. I

have to remind her to lower her voice, to not cause a scene, to not interrupt

people, to not make rude comments. I feel that my elementary school aged

stepdaughters understand better than her how to act appropriately in public.

>

> It's just exhausting. And when I say that this is precisely the reason why I

moved away, that DH and I do not visit often because of the way we (primarily

he) is treated, I am told that we are immature and need to " forgive and forget. "

When I remind her that he has repeatedly tried to make amends, and who could

blame him for giving up, she says, " Is this how it's going to be - that you two

are going to be so stuck in the past? Then I just need to forget I have a

daughter! "

>

> At least I'm going home tomorrow. Does anyone else wonder if they are the

ones who are crazy when in the presence of the BP? I know it's not me, but

sometimes I question myself if it is me when I'm around her, especially when

fleas show up. It's like I have to constantly remind myself that I'm the sane

one when I'm around her so I don't get entirely sucked in.

>