Re: I suck at NC

[Guest guest]

I feel this way too sometimes. The thinking about failure is something I think

we learn in dysfunctional families. We don't have people telling us that we did

our best and to not beat up on ourselves, to just try again until we find out

what works for us. We have people belittling us, delighting when we don't

succeed, pushing us to say forever enmeshed and dependent and benefitting from

our low self esteem. They get us right where they want us and keep us there.

This is really hard. I am not NC or even LC and I struggle every day with

enforcing boundaries. My boundaries right now are simply to talk to nada and

fada as little as possible and to leave when certain topics (like SIL, since

they have backstabbed and betrayed me to the nth degree on this topic and I'm

sick of it) come up. Right now that is all I can do. If I backtrack, my feelings

immediately let me know that I have gone astray. I regret it and it just becomes

more incentive to not make the same mistake again...which is life in general I

think. I think the extreme reactions to what we consider 'failure' are part and

parcel of being a KO, progress is not being so hard on ourselves. Hugs!

>

> Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a bad

daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel guilty,

but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my nada despite

all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend think I should just

cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed with guilt that I'm worse

off than before.

>

> Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would never

apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES admit this,

admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a kid), admits she

was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying she messed me up and

that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was able to not physically

abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally abused me the way her mom

did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she feels very guilty. She knows

it's her own fault I don't want to be with her much and she says so. She

apologizes, and I think she means it. It just doesn't mean much to me, because I

know she never changes despite the apologies.

>

> As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and going

in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially when she's

coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if I stick with my

" rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her, because I just

leave/hang up.

>

> The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less, now.

>

> Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that, I

feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

>

> Casey

>

[Guest guest]

Casey, hon, this isn't a contest!! It's not like " total NC " is better or worse

than partial NC or even daily contact. In addition, it's not like NC or LC is

meant to be permanent. We all just have to find the level of contact that works

for us, for now. This will be a fluid process - as our parents age, we will

most likely have to have more contact from time to time. The thing is, our

contact is now INFORMED by what we've learned, and our self-knowledge is

improved, so we can call the BPD manipulation or raging what it is - Nada or

Fada's mental illness, not our own failing to meet some crazy standard that

would make them NOT be crazy and abusive to us.

You don't " suck " at this process, at all. You're just dealing with the

situation, day by day, and figuring out what works for you and your mom at this

time. It's what we're all doing. Some of us will never contact our parents

again - some of us still live with them. There's a continuum, and we're all

muddling along together. Don't worry about " failing " - it's impossible to fail

at this. If things aren't working, that just means you're not done trying yet.

>

> Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a bad

daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel guilty,

but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my nada despite

all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend think I should just

cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed with guilt that I'm worse

off than before.

>

> Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would never

apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES admit this,

admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a kid), admits she

was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying she messed me up and

that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was able to not physically

abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally abused me the way her mom

did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she feels very guilty. She knows

it's her own fault I don't want to be with her much and she says so. She

apologizes, and I think she means it. It just doesn't mean much to me, because I

know she never changes despite the apologies.

>

> As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and going

in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially when she's

coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if I stick with my

" rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her, because I just

leave/hang up.

>

> The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less, now.

>

> Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that, I

feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

>

> Casey

>

[Guest guest]

My nada also has apologized sincerely and knows she has problems. Like you

said, when she is lucid, she can really seem sincere. Maybe she even is

sincere.

Somehow, that makes it much more confusing and much more difficult to pull away.

Going NC is a complicated, brutally difficult process. Don't beat yourself up

if it isn't a perfect, clean break. I don't think any one of us have done that!

And, having been NC for a glorious 2+ years, I can say this: it is better to do

it a little too " late " than a little too early. There isn't too much harm in

making sure along the way.

Also, I wanted to recommend a book that might help. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking

Free of Exploitive Relationships by J. Carnes talks about how it is

infinitely more difficult to break from a relationship that is sometimes good

and sometimes horrible.

It will really let you off the hook. If she were 100% mean all the time? You

wouldn't have a problem. If someone is randomly cruel and nice, guilty and

nasty . . . that makes for a strong bond that is very difficult to break.

You have no judgment here. NC is hard.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a bad

daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel guilty,

but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my nada despite

all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend think I should just

cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed with guilt that I'm worse

off than before.

>

> Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would never

apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES admit this,

admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a kid), admits she

was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying she messed me up and

that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was able to not physically

abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally abused me the way her mom

did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she feels very guilty. She knows

it's her own fault I don't want to be with her much and she says so. She

apologizes, and I think she means it. It just doesn't mean much to me, because I

know she never changes despite the apologies.

>

> As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and going

in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially when she's

coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if I stick with my

" rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her, because I just

leave/hang up.

>

> The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less, now.

>

> Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that, I

feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

>

> Casey

>

[Guest guest]

Yeah, breaking free of my nada was a pretty easy, clear decision for me. But

I don't seem to ever have the nice nada. I think she tries to be nice, but

it is aalways colored by knowing she wants me to fail and believes I'm evil.

Wow, to have a more complicated relationship along with positive emotions -

I feel for you guys. Many many hugs, and no beating up on yourselves.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

On Sat, Sep 18, 2010 at 11:11 PM, kyjohnson40days <kyjohnson40days@...

> wrote:

>

>

> My nada also has apologized sincerely and knows she has problems. Like you

> said, when she is lucid, she can really seem sincere. Maybe she even is

> sincere.

>

> Somehow, that makes it much more confusing and much more difficult to pull

> away.

>

> Going NC is a complicated, brutally difficult process. Don't beat yourself

> up if it isn't a perfect, clean break. I don't think any one of us have done

> that! And, having been NC for a glorious 2+ years, I can say this: it is

> better to do it a little too " late " than a little too early. There isn't too

> much harm in making sure along the way.

>

> Also, I wanted to recommend a book that might help. The Betrayal Bond:

> Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by J. Carnes talks about

> how it is infinitely more difficult to break from a relationship that is

> sometimes good and sometimes horrible.

>

> It will really let you off the hook. If she were 100% mean all the time?

> You wouldn't have a problem. If someone is randomly cruel and nice, guilty

> and nasty . . . that makes for a strong bond that is very difficult to

> break.

>

> You have no judgment here. NC is hard.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

>

>

>

> >

> > Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a

> bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel

> guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my

> nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend

> think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed

> with guilt that I'm worse off than before.

> >

> > Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would

> never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES

> admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a

> kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying

> she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was

> able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally

> abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she

> feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with her

> much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just

> doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the

> apologies.

> >

> > As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and

> going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially

> when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if

> I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her,

> because I just leave/hang up.

> >

> > The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

> frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less,

> now.

> >

> > Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that,

> I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

> >

> > Casey

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think it sounds like you are dealing with things amazingly well!

I can imagine how conflicted you would feel since your Nada has moments of

admitting she mistreats you. You definitely shouldn't feel guilty about anything

or like you have failed! There isn't an easy answer, nor is there a " right " or

" wrong " way of dealing with this. It sounds like you are really in tune with

your boundaries- I think even knowing what your rules and boundaries are in the

first place is no easy feat!

Don't feel bad about being a compassionate person. It sounds like you are really

trying to do the best thing by your Nada.

Please be kind to yourself. Stay strong and stick to your boundaries and

remember, no guilt! Just do what feels right for you without compromising your

own well-being.

Keep in touch and let us know how it's going won't you.

With warmth,

Lynda

>

> Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a bad

daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel guilty,

but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my nada despite

all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend think I should just

cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed with guilt that I'm worse

off than before.

>

> Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would never

apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES admit this,

admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a kid), admits she

was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying she messed me up and

that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was able to not physically

abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally abused me the way her mom

did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she feels very guilty. She knows

it's her own fault I don't want to be with her much and she says so. She

apologizes, and I think she means it. It just doesn't mean much to me, because I

know she never changes despite the apologies.

>

> As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and going

in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially when she's

coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if I stick with my

" rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her, because I just

leave/hang up.

>

> The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less, now.

>

> Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that, I

feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

>

> Casey

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I think growing up with my nada has made me

feel like a failure no matter WHAT I do, in all aspects of my life.

I really do think I would be happier and better off without FOO drama, but I'm

not happier if I feel guilty about it. It WOULD be so much easier if my nada was

mean all the time. I've known this since forever - the love/hate back and forth

has always been difficult, and I used to wish sometimes she would just stay

nasty so I could be done with her with out feeling guilty.

I'm going to just try to disconnect from her further. Sometimes it feels like it

would be easier to go total NC than that, because she has a way of making me

feel guilty for not seeing her ENOUGH, and demanding more and more, which is why

I was trying to do NC again. But I am going to work real hard to not let her

guilt trip me too much. The thing is that she is crafty, she'll be all nice to

me for awhile and get me to come over more, and before I know it I'm spending

way more time with her than I'd like and if I try to cut back she gets all

upset. I need to keep it limited and not let her suck me in.

When I tried eating dinner with her once a week eventually she got weird

insisting I only hung out with her because I was hungry! Like I wasn't eating

dinner the other 6 days a week or something? It's just always something. She

wants me to invite her to do awesome things that there is no way I can do,

mainly because I'm broke. She likes to complain about why can't I be like

so-and-sos daughter who took her mother on a trip to Amsterdam, or who took her

on a camping & horseback riding trip, etc. Completely unrealistic, and if I

could afford a vacation I'd go with my boyfriend not her! I can't be with her

more than like 4 hours before I've reached my limit. I have no idea what I CAN

do with her that is acceptable to her. She's gonna have to live with dinner.

My main problem is what do I say when she asks why I can't come over. I can't

talk about my life at all or she uses it against me. Like, if I say I'm hanging

out with friends, later she gets all upset that I didn't invite HER to hang out

with friends, and why don't I ever invite her to do anything, don't I know how

lonely and alone she is? Even if I tell her I'm going out with my bf she is sad

I don't invite her! Does she seriously think I want to bring her with me

everywhere? Including my DATES? I guess I can just say " I'm busy " and refuse to

elaborate?

One time I had a contract job on the weekends and it was a great excuse to not

see her without her wanting to come along... I could lie and say I am working?

lol

Or I could just tell her I'm going out with my friends and ignore her when she

whines about not being included.

Casey

> > >

> > > Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a

> > bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel

> > guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my

> > nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend

> > think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed

> > with guilt that I'm worse off than before.

> > >

> > > Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would

> > never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES

> > admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a

> > kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying

> > she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was

> > able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally

> > abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness, she

> > feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with her

> > much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just

> > doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the

> > apologies.

> > >

> > > As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and

> > going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done, especially

> > when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know if

> > I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her,

> > because I just leave/hang up.

> > >

> > > The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

> > frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much less,

> > now.

> > >

> > > Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that,

> > I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

> > >

> > > Casey

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Casey,

When you can reach a point that you no longer feel responsible for your nada's

feelings, you will no longer feel anxious about what you tell her or don't tell

her. The guilt and responsibility you are feeling are *misplaced and

inappropriate*.

Your nada is responsible for keeping *herself* busy, entertained, productive,

useful, and happy. She is an adult, not a 4 year old.

You're not her mother.

You're not her paid companion, aide, or nurse.

You're not her chauffeur,

Your not her spouse.

Refusing to ever be pleased, refusing to ever acknowledge your child's

achievements, being a perfectionist, putting your child's efforts down as never

being good enough... those are sadistic behaviors. That is a form of emotional

abuse, and its sick.

It ought to make you feel angry to be treated like that. You're not a failure,

but she's trying to make you feel like one so you'll try harder to please her.

Its a manipulation, and she ought to be *ashamed* of herself for doing that to

you. I'm angry FOR you, grrrr!

So. Accept the fact that your nada is going to be miserable, whiny, and

insulting to you even if you go over there every day, even if you give her every

moment of your free time. It doesn't matter how often or how seldom you go

there, she will find something to be miserable and upset about, and some way to

find fault with what you are doing for her and how you are doing it, and will

look for ways to put you down.

So you might as well go less. She's going to be unhappy either way; *it won't

make any difference.*

You are experiencing exactly what my Sister experienced for a full decade. She

went over to our nada's house more and more often to try and appease nada, and

all Sister got for her trouble was more and more cranky, sullen, hostile verbal

abuse from nada.

Now that Sister goes only once a month, nada ( " the momster " ) is actually better

behaved, less histrionic, and less insulting, whiny and cranky.

So, whatever works for you, works for you. Me personally, I think that what

nada doesn't know can't hurt her. So three weekends a month, you're working a

part-time job, or you're sick, or you're doing backbreaking but unavoidable

chores. Dull, boring things that she won't want to or can't help you with.

Stop being so much fun to be with. Share only the most superficial, dull news,

and talk about only superficial, dull, boring things. Cough and sneeze

constantly. Talk about things she finds uninteresting or incomprehensible

(politics? computer programming?) Invite her to do things she hates doing so

that she'll turn you down (but beware, this can sometimes backfire!) ( " Hi mom,

do you want to come over and help us clean all the hornets' nests and rat crap

out of the attic? Bring your gardening gloves and a mask, there's lots of black

widows and dust mites up there... " )

It took a psychiatrist to absolve my Sister of the misplaced guilt she was

feeling about being responsible for care-taking our nada's feelings and keeping

her entertained. Maybe your therapist can help you work past the misplaced and

inappropriate guilt you're feeling, too.

Just my two cents worth.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a

> > > bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel

> > > guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my

> > > nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend

> > > think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed

> > > with guilt that I'm worse off than before.

> > > >

> > > > Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would

> > > never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES

> > > admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a

> > > kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying

> > > she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was

> > > able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally

> > > abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness,

she

> > > feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with

her

> > > much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just

> > > doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the

> > > apologies.

> > > >

> > > > As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and

> > > going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done,

especially

> > > when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know

if

> > > I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her,

> > > because I just leave/hang up.

> > > >

> > > > The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

> > > frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much

less,

> > > now.

> > > >

> > > > Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that,

> > > I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

> > > >

> > > > Casey

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

If I may . . . you don't owe her any explanations. If she asks what you are

doing, you can kindly reply: " I'm not able to come over tonight. "

If she pushes the issue, just repeat the same response. Anything you say, other

than that, is an invitation for comment/guilt trip/further

discussion/evaluation/blah blah blah.

Just a thought.

> > > >

> > > > Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a

> > > bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel

> > > guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my

> > > nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend

> > > think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed

> > > with guilt that I'm worse off than before.

> > > >

> > > > Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would

> > > never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES

> > > admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a

> > > kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying

> > > she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was

> > > able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally

> > > abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness,

she

> > > feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with

her

> > > much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just

> > > doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the

> > > apologies.

> > > >

> > > > As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and

> > > going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done,

especially

> > > when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know

if

> > > I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her,

> > > because I just leave/hang up.

> > > >

> > > > The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

> > > frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much

less,

> > > now.

> > > >

> > > > Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that,

> > > I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

> > > >

> > > > Casey

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hi Casey, I'm also not NC with my nada and the problems you bring up are very

real. If you give her a boundary or refuse to explain, my guess is she'll

respond to you in ways that you find very distressing. She'll push the buttons

she can because she installed them as they saying goes. It is a huge challenge

to stay in contact and keep the relationship bearable. One could argue it is

not your job to keep it " bearable " , but when dealing with a person with a mental

illness some strategy has to enter into it.

One bit of advice I'd give is decide what you want to do, say dinner once a

week, and when she starts up say " This is what I'm able to do. " and she'll

likely spin it off into how this means you are rejecting her and she's lonely

and you hate her, but don't go off into the side arguments she's trying to

start, therein lies madness. Just return back to saying " I know you feel that

way, but dinner once a week is all I can do now. " Some of that comes from the

book Emotional Blackmail by Forward. That's where FOG - fear, obligation,

and guilt comes from. My example was the Broken Record technique of repetition

and the acknowledging the feeling without agreeing technique. There's a whole

lot more in the book too.

Good luck!

> > > >

> > > > Well I couldn't stay NC for too long. I just felt way too guilty, like a

> > > bad daughter, etc. I know it's not necessarily true, that I shouldn't feel

> > > guilty, but I can't help it. It was too much stress, I feel so bad for my

> > > nada despite all the trouble she causes. All my friends and my boyfriend

> > > think I should just cut her off, but everytime I try I am so overwhelmed

> > > with guilt that I'm worse off than before.

> > > >

> > > > Especially reading some of your guy's posts about nadas/fadas who would

> > > never apologize, who never admit that they were abusive... my nada DOES

> > > admit this, admits she has BPD (she is the one that told me when I was a

> > > kid), admits she was emotionally abusive to me. She cries about it, saying

> > > she messed me up and that my mental illnesses are her fault, that she was

> > > able to not physically abuse me the way her dad did but she still verbally

> > > abused me the way her mom did. When she has these periods of lucidness,

she

> > > feels very guilty. She knows it's her own fault I don't want to be with

her

> > > much and she says so. She apologizes, and I think she means it. It just

> > > doesn't mean much to me, because I know she never changes despite the

> > > apologies.

> > > >

> > > > As well, I've been really good with boundries the past couple years and

> > > going in the car with her is a big no no I should not have done,

especially

> > > when she's coming home from something as triggering as a funeral. I know

if

> > > I stick with my " rules " I don't have to tolerate verbal abuse from her,

> > > because I just leave/hang up.

> > > >

> > > > The only problem is she kept pushing for more and more time with me, and

> > > frankly once a week is too much. I'm going to work at keeping it much

less,

> > > now.

> > > >

> > > > Ugh, now I feel like a failure for not being able to go NC. I hate that,

> > > I feel like I fail at EVERYTHING I do.

> > > >

> > > > Casey

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >