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Posted
Posted

Oh wow, welcome and let me assure you that you're not alone. If my nada

(mother) emailed, I'd swear she had written those things. I don't have much

advice because I'm still very new in my own recovery, but I will say try not to

take things personally. Easier said than done, I know, and I still struggle

with that, but the more I let the things she say go in one ear and out the other

(or even better - not listen to them at all: hang up, let it go to voice mail

and delete it immediately, etc), the better I feel.

Good luck to you.

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

>

>

>

>

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me SUNK

you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling your

dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask you to

come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just wanted you

here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your sister was

coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask anything of you

again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again either. You're

not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

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Posted
Posted

Wow! Welcome. what your " mom' wrote made me ill. Adult people do not call

names like that for starters. So consider yourself validated.

One thing that jumps out is that my " mom " also did the same thing with

trying to control me via my relationship with my dad. I didn't go for it

after a while. And a suggestion - I'd block her on Facebook for that

behavior, right off the bat.Forever.

You've made a good start setting boundaries. Now you just need to work on

enforcing the boundaries. A message like that for me would be no contact for

at least 3 months. And don't cave and go set up the computer when SHE wants

you to. Do what's right for you.

Another tip, i would work on setting up my own financial resources (I know

its hard!) but you can't depend on this person at all for anything ever

again. She is mentally ill.

More later. Welcome welcome welcome!! Girlscout

On Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 2:36 PM, nolegirl050709 wrote:

>

>

> Oh wow, welcome and let me assure you that you're not alone. If my nada

> (mother) emailed, I'd swear she had written those things. I don't have much

> advice because I'm still very new in my own recovery, but I will say try not

> to take things personally. Easier said than done, I know, and I still

> struggle with that, but the more I let the things she say go in one ear and

> out the other (or even better - not listen to them at all: hang up, let it

> go to voice mail and delete it immediately, etc), the better I feel.

>

> Good luck to you.

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

> >

> > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> >

> > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> on.

> >

> > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> >

> > Maley

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > " Look

> >

> > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> >

> > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> >

> > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

Hi

Wow. Yes, I too get the impression that your mother has bpd, and possibly some

narcissistic pd thrown in there too.

I think you have focused in on one of her main issues, which is giving " gifts "

with the expectation that you are then obligated to her. Those are not gifts,

you are being purchased.

That's one of the reasons I had to stop accepting any kind of gifts from my

bpd/npd mother. In her mind that obligated me to be eternally grateful and to

treat her like a goddess.

I suggest that the sooner you can reach a point that you can gently and politely

turn down any and all offers of money, a car, a trip, new clothes, etc., the

sooner you will take that weapon away from her.

Also, in her letter, it seems to me that she is projecting onto you all her own

feelings and motivations.

As you've probably figured out, you can't change her or her behaviors, all you

can do is change how you respond to them. You can set boundaries, you can

enforce consequences. You can decide that you are not responsible for her

feelings, and that you refuse to accept any misplaced guilt for just having a

separate, individual, adult life that isn't all about her.

There are some good books out there about setting boundaries, like " Stop Walking

on Eggshells " and " Boundaries. "

I hope that helps.

-Annie

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

>

>

>

>

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me SUNK

you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling your

dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask you to

come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just wanted you

here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your sister was

coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask anything of you

again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again either. You're

not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

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Posted
Posted

What you suggested is certainly acceptable, I'd appreciate it. I'm new and just

discovered the " group messages " feature which helps to read progressions of

entire conversations. I hope others are doing so as I need to add something to

my situation that makes eliminating contact more difficult in giving her

consequences. I am close with my father and moderately close with my sister. For

all holidays we still get together and even with all my mother's illnesses, my

father is still with her at the cost of an extremely strained marriage as he

sees her for what she is, but seeks to make the peace after fights between him

and her, or my mother with my sister and I. I enjoy the closeness with them, but

not with her. I do not see how to eliminate contact with her and not them as the

holidays (including birthdays) are still important to me.

Thanks for all the support.

Chris

>

> >

> >

> >

> > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> > psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> > half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> > when it is inconvenient for them.

> >

> > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> >

> > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> > new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> > last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> > spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> > hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> > be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> > to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> > " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> > between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> > me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> > nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> > on.

> >

> > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> > forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> > a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> >

> > Maley

> >

> > " Look

> >

> > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> > about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> > your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> > things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> >

> > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> > SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> >

> > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> > had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

Hi, Chris. The " big family get-together " scenario is one we struggle with here

- you'll probably see a spike in messages about this as the winter holidays draw

closer.

There just might not be a good way to see only your dad and sister during these

forced family occasions. But maybe you could consider developing activities,

hobbies, or interests you can share with one or both of them - golf? hiking?

fishing? astronomy? sci-fi and comics conventions? - it could be anything, as

long as it's something your mom would loathe doing. Then you could spend time

with them doing something fun, and be oh-so-regrettably unavailable for the

tense family shindigs (or at least limit your time there, knowing you'll have

opportunities to see Dad and Sis some time later).

Our BPD parents should not be able to hold our families hostage and prevent us

from interacting with the sane, positive relatives we love. But yeah, a lot of

us are working on this one.

> >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> > > psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> > > half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> > > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying

to

> > > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> > > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> > > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> > > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> > > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> > > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or

my

> > > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook

> > > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to

do

> > > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also

> > > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone

> > > when it is inconvenient for them.

> > >

> > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> > > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> > > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> > > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> > > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets

for

> > > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man,

me

> > > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > >

> > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> > > new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> > > last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I

have

> > > spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that

are

> > > hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> > > be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I

said

> > > to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just

saying

> > > " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> > > between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude

from

> > > me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> > > nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from

me

> > > on.

> > >

> > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> > > forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you

with

> > > a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > >

> > > Maley

> > >

> > > " Look

> > >

> > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> > > about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's

about

> > > your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> > > things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> > > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> > > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves

around

> > > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> > > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> > > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> > > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> > > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> > > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then

you

> > > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> > > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way,

I

> > > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> > > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> > > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night

> > > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have

> > > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > >

> > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> > > SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> > > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you

and

> > > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> > > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> > > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> > > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> > > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> > >

> > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> > > had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> > > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you

forever

> > > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> > > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

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Posted
Posted

Oh Chris-

Wow - just wow.

Okay here is my first tip. when you set a boundary with her, just set it and

leave it at that. I'm not available at this time but I could see you at X

time. The end. Don't give her room to argue. And you don't have to open and

read messages from her. That is your choice. Personally, I don't open

messages from my FOO. I have my boyfriend screen them for me. They just

upset me too much.

The next thing I want to tell you is that I can tell you are a valuable,

caring and awesome person. How do I know that? Number one, you are seeking

out help and support. That says a lot about you. The second way is that you

are gentle, open to feedback etc.

I think you need to set boundaries with your mom. Unfortunatley, this might

lead you to re-evaluating your other relationships in the family of origin -

your sister and dad. You might find that your family members support you in

taking care of yourself. Or, you might be more llike me and find that they

don't support you. I've lost everyone. But guess what - I got to keep me.

Decent trade. And in fact, I wouldn't do anything differently.

Personally, I couldn't handle being spoken to the way your mother speaks to

you. It really takes me back (I haven't spoken to my mother in going on 8

years. Unfortunatley, she just violated me too many times and I reached my

limit).

I hope you can value yourself and trust yourself enough to set limits on

what you will accept from her.

We'll talk more. And it takes time. What books have you read? Walking on

eggshells and understanding the borderline mother are great places to start.

I'm so sorry she talks to you like that - over setting up a computer - wow!

Has she considered reading the manual? Or asking a neighbor? To destroy your

son's image over one day, one computer. . . that's not what a mother should

do. You deserve much much better.

Let me know how I can help.

XOXO Girlscout

>

>

> The thing is that I want to actually be there for those holidays. My mother

> will threaten to not allow me to be there for them, saying she " doesn't want

> to look at my face. "

>

> I sent another message to her last night per my dad's suggestion:

>

> Mom,

>

> I am writing you just to be very clear with you in case anything was

> misinterpreted. I had and still say that I am available to you next weekend

> for a day, or via phone. I am also available to assist if attempts

> to help when she is there, via phone. I am just not gonna come down this

> weekend. I have not been ungrateful as I am offering my help, just taking a

> break this weekend as I have been burned out with plans the past few weekend

> which included a lot of travel. This does include Labor Day, since it was 4

> hours total in the car, with having a busy weekend prior to that Monday even

> though it was local up till then. Nothing said was meant to be taken offense

> by you as all I have tried to emphasize was needing to plan things in sync

> with both of our schedules. As I am an adult, I should be able to come to a

> compromise of when I come to help since I'm the one being asked. Being

> ungrateful and a jerk would be me denying you and simply saying to handle it

> yourself. This is not the case. I have simply said I'd rather do it the

> following weekend. Regardless of what my plans are, it should be respected

> what time frame I will help since it is still a timely manner. What I am

> actually doing should not be relevant to your reaction. In response to you

> reacting to " those 2 lines " I recall saying that I can not simply go

> according to your schedule and that we need do things according to both of

> ours. While yes this is the same meaning as what you " wrote down, " it did

> not have the same attitude as " at your beck and call. " All this means is

> that we do things at a time frame that is both timely and convenient for

> both of us. Anytime I needed anything from you or dad, I feel I have not

> demanded when anything was done and if it had to be the following weekend,

> it was not an issue that I got upset over or asked for an explanation of

> that weekend's plans. Getting the computer up and running to the extent of

> surviving to the following weekend is just a matter of plugging the wires in

> correctly and installing the email software, which there was no issue with.

> Itunes, photo software, and media files appear to secondary to the internet

> connection and email. The email is also accessible via the comcast website.

> I have tried to be understanding in you being stressed over the computer and

> calm in response to the attacks you have given me. There is nothing more I

> can say or do if you still feel I was in the wrong. Even so, still offering

> my help, at any time other than in person this weekend. If you give me a

> response to this, only do so if there is a calmness to your message without

> any attacks. The attacks have already been superbly done and won't have any

> more of an impact. But please do write back if it can be used towards some

> sort of reconciliation, even if it is simply a moving past this and onto any

> other current events. Again the only thing I don't want is more attacks if

> written back. Anything else is fine but that. Thanks for reading this and in

> doing so, hearing me out.

>

> Chris

>

> Then her response this morning:

>

>

>

> Your " compromise " is not a compromise - it's come when I feel like coming.

> That is not a compromise. And as you said, " YOU " should be able to come to a

> compromise ??? It is usually TWO people who come to a compromise. Look up

> the definition. As far as schedules, if you had something you had to do that

> day, that is one thing. Planning to sit on your ass and just doing nothing,

> is not planning " anything " . I'll be honest, we've driven up to Hazelton to

> see a movie, when we could have seen it in PINE GROVE at the time, cause we

> MISSED YOU and you already SAW the movie, but called you up on a Sunday

> morning, to make a date and you said you could see it AGAIN. And you know,

> that time, you were rude that day anyway when I was up there with me, about

> a year or so ago. I really wished I hadn't missed you that day. As far as

> " my schedule " , I don't have one. I mentioned about Sunday - just for the

> day. We've often driven up to your place - JUST for the day. HOW many darn

> times I wish I could remember.

>

> It was a very, upsetting weekend the last time and I didn't think I could

> go through it again, but nevermind. We don't need you. We'll do it ourselves

> - WITHOUT you. And I happened to be talking to your sister, who thought

> considering how she's met us in town countless times for a rendezvous

> on a weekend, you certainly shouldn't have had a problem driving down here

> to help us out. She drives that far to meet us ! So what you're bitching

> about I don't know. She thought you were in the wrong. And Labor Day weekend

> you mentioned last night you were busy all weekend along with last weekend -

> now you're not counting it when I proved you WRONG. Well, you now get to

> pick and choose WHICH weekends you " vant to be alone " like Greta Garbo.

> Fine. has busy weeks too. She commutes every single day back and

> forth 30 - 45 min. ONE WAY, DO YOU ???

>

> As far as being " demanding " - with the first computer, we didn't ask you at

> ALL, did we ? HOW demanding were we THAT time in asking you to come down ???

> NOPE. I have 3 tickets here. I don't know what is going to happen with them.

> It's a shame how you shoot yourself in the foot. There was another time I

> offered you to go on vacation with us and I said just don't mess this up -

> and what did you do - you caused problems and the deal was OFF. I really

> wanted to make something special for you - and then you become a person I

> don't even know. And writing me that you and Becky made this plan two weeks

> ago, lol. Becky is a sweet girl. Really sweet. I really wonder if she knows

> this side of you, Chris. If she knew about all this and how you were asked

> by your mom to come down on Sunday for just the day and help her and

> refused. I wonder what she would think of you. I dare you to tell her and

> how you told me you had plans to sit at home for the weekend and do nothing

> and couldn't.

>

> Be as alone as you want to be. Get used to it. I'm going to let you be VERY

> alone. Enjoy doing not a thing.

>

> What would Jesus do ? He wouldn't tell his mother the following weekend if

> she asked, cause he wanted to do nothing that weekend.........

>

>

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his

> masters in

> > > > > psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an

> hour and a

> > > > > half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with

> Borderline

> > > > > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field

> trying to

> > > > > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is

> treated

> > > > > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> > > > > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with

> gifts and

> > > > > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > > > > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the

> middle,

> > > > > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree

> with

> > > > > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

> me or my

> > > > > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

> facebook

> > > > > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having

> time to do

> > > > > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing.

> She also

> > > > > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on

> the phone

> > > > > when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > > >

> > > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it

> was

> > > > > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a

> newer

> > > > > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of

> monthly

> > > > > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my

> situation I

> > > > > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought

> tickets for

> > > > > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is

> Spider-man, me

> > > > > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > > > >

> > > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be

> getting a

> > > > > new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out

> well the

> > > > > last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend

> and I have

> > > > > spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips

> that are

> > > > > hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that

> I would

> > > > > be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now

> claims I said

> > > > > to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me

> just saying

> > > > > " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it

> out

> > > > > between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an

> attitude from

> > > > > me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and

> sending

> > > > > nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response

> from me

> > > > > on.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I

> went on

> > > > > forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave

> you with

> > > > > a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Maley

> > > > >

> > > > > " Look

> > > > >

> > > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's

> not

> > > > > about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me.

> It's about

> > > > > your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a

> lot of

> > > > > things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about

> OTHER

> > > > > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ?

> You are

> > > > > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world

> revolves around

> > > > > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for

> even your

> > > > > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let

> alone you

> > > > > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in

> the first

> > > > > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I

> have

> > > > > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since.

> Those

> > > > > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And

> then you

> > > > > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on

> YOU " ??? I

> > > > > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your

> controlling way, I

> > > > > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something

> nice -

> > > > > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and

> I

> > > > > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets

> the night

> > > > > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I

> would have

> > > > > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > > >

> > > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said

> to me

> > > > > SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write

> when

> > > > > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice

> for you and

> > > > > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU.

> That was

> > > > > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not

> prepared for

> > > > > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well.

> Believe me,

> > > > > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing

> anything

> > > > > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> > > > >

> > > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us,

> whether we

> > > > > had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at

> desperate

> > > > > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you

> forever

> > > > > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at

> YOUR

> > > > > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

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Posted
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Hey Chris!

One thing you need to remember is that if you were really the horrible person

your mother is saying you are, then she'd be cutting off contact with YOU and

not trying to guilt you into giving her free computer support, which is

essentially what she wants from you.

A bit of advice: First off, If I were you, I'd cut off contact with her

completely for awhile. You simply don't deserve to be treated like that by

anyone. Secondly, when you must have contact with her, try calling her by her

first name. It really helps to start setting those psychological boundaries.

" Mom " has so many emotional strings attached to it.

Good luck. Try to get yourself on your feet financially (I know, easier said

than done) and stay the hell away from her as much as you can. You might feel

guilty--we all do--but we really shouldn't.

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Posted
Posted

The one book I have is Surviving a Borderline Parent. I have only read sections

so far, however I don't foresee any one book being able to spell out what to do

in every situation. It is why I recently joined to get assistance in the

particulars.

Thanks

> > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his

> > masters in

> > > > > > psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an

> > hour and a

> > > > > > half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with

> > Borderline

> > > > > > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field

> > trying to

> > > > > > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is

> > treated

> > > > > > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> > > > > > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with

> > gifts and

> > > > > > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > > > > > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the

> > middle,

> > > > > > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree

> > with

> > > > > > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

> > me or my

> > > > > > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

> > facebook

> > > > > > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having

> > time to do

> > > > > > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing.

> > She also

> > > > > > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on

> > the phone

> > > > > > when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it

> > was

> > > > > > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a

> > newer

> > > > > > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of

> > monthly

> > > > > > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my

> > situation I

> > > > > > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought

> > tickets for

> > > > > > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is

> > Spider-man, me

> > > > > > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be

> > getting a

> > > > > > new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out

> > well the

> > > > > > last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend

> > and I have

> > > > > > spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips

> > that are

> > > > > > hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that

> > I would

> > > > > > be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now

> > claims I said

> > > > > > to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me

> > just saying

> > > > > > " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it

> > out

> > > > > > between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an

> > attitude from

> > > > > > me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and

> > sending

> > > > > > nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response

> > from me

> > > > > > on.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I

> > went on

> > > > > > forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave

> > you with

> > > > > > a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Maley

> > > > > >

> > > > > > " Look

> > > > > >

> > > > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's

> > not

> > > > > > about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me.

> > It's about

> > > > > > your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a

> > lot of

> > > > > > things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about

> > OTHER

> > > > > > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ?

> > You are

> > > > > > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world

> > revolves around

> > > > > > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for

> > even your

> > > > > > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let

> > alone you

> > > > > > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in

> > the first

> > > > > > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I

> > have

> > > > > > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since.

> > Those

> > > > > > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And

> > then you

> > > > > > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on

> > YOU " ??? I

> > > > > > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your

> > controlling way, I

> > > > > > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something

> > nice -

> > > > > > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and

> > I

> > > > > > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets

> > the night

> > > > > > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I

> > would have

> > > > > > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said

> > to me

> > > > > > SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write

> > when

> > > > > > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice

> > for you and

> > > > > > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU.

> > That was

> > > > > > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not

> > prepared for

> > > > > > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well.

> > Believe me,

> > > > > > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing

> > anything

> > > > > > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us,

> > whether we

> > > > > > had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at

> > desperate

> > > > > > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you

> > forever

> > > > > > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at

> > YOUR

> > > > > > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

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Posted
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Wow, she is certainly used to saying to you " Jump! " and expecting you to snap to

attention and ask " How high!? "

And when you assert yourself, mama has a meltdown and compares herself to ,

the Mother of Christ. Um...Okay. Yes, I think I was correct in guessing that

there's at least a touch of narcissistic pd in there.

I urge you to never accept any money or tickets or cars or other gifts or

financial assistance from your parents again, those can be easily " weaponized " .

And as suggested, make a point of developing a relationship with your dad

and sister separately from your relationship with your mother.

That's a very clever idea to invite them to do things with you that your mother

can't stand doing. My Sister and became even sneakier. I simply wouldn't tell

my mother when I was actually arriving in town so Sister and I could spend a few

days together by ourselves doing stuff we liked, then I " arrived " at nada's for

a few days. It took us a long time to figure that one out, but it works

beautifully.

Its really kind of pointless to explain your position to your mother or try to

persuade her to see things your way because she'd not really very rational, is

she? You can't have a reasonable, rational conversation or relationship with an

irrational person. The only thing that works is to not engage her in an

argument. When she's upset, just say something like, " I'm sorry, but that's the

best I can do. I understand that you're upset now so I'll talk to you later,

'bye. " Be polite, be calm. Don't argue, don't engage, don't explain. Just say

" I understand. I'll talk to you later. 'bye. " and go do what you need to do.

She'll be upset, but that's her own affair.

With bpd parents, its usually necessary for the child to at some point disengage

in all ways to at least some degree: physically, financially, and emotionally,

to preserve our own emotional health.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters

in

> > > > > psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour

and a

> > > > > half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> > > > > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field

trying to

> > > > > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is

treated

> > > > > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> > > > > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts

and

> > > > > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > > > > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> > > > > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree

with

> > > > > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me

or my

> > > > > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook

> > > > > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do

> > > > > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing.

She also

> > > > > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone

> > > > > when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > > >

> > > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> > > > > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a

newer

> > > > > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of

monthly

> > > > > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my

situation I

> > > > > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought

tickets for

> > > > > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is

Spider-man, me

> > > > > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > > > >

> > > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting

a

> > > > > new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well

the

> > > > > last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and

I have

> > > > > spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips

that are

> > > > > hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I

would

> > > > > be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I

said

> > > > > to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just

saying

> > > > > " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> > > > > between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an

attitude from

> > > > > me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and

sending

> > > > > nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response

from me

> > > > > on.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went

on

> > > > > forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you

with

> > > > > a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Maley

> > > > >

> > > > > " Look

> > > > >

> > > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> > > > > about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's

about

> > > > > your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot

of

> > > > > things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about

OTHER

> > > > > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You

are

> > > > > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves

around

> > > > > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even

your

> > > > > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone

you

> > > > > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the

first

> > > > > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> > > > > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since.

Those

> > > > > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And

then you

> > > > > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on

YOU " ??? I

> > > > > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling

way, I

> > > > > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice

-

> > > > > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> > > > > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night

> > > > > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have

> > > > > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > > >

> > > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to

me

> > > > > SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write

when

> > > > > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for

you and

> > > > > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That

was

> > > > > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared

for

> > > > > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe

me,

> > > > > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing

anything

> > > > > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> > > > >

> > > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether

we

> > > > > had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at

desperate

> > > > > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you

forever

> > > > > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at

YOUR

> > > > > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

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- Okay, let's look at the particulars in her message back to you.

First, she gets the notion of " compromise " all wrong. You DID offer to give

her a hand with the computer. You DID offer phone help, and told her it was

just a matter of waiting another week or so. Her demand is that you " come do

what I want when I want it, and there are no other options. " Um, that's pretty

far from compromise. Then, she decides to pass judgment on your plans for the

weekend at home (which is absolutely none of her business). Next, she uses her

own story of driving up to your town (I guess?) to see a movie with you as a way

of discounting your desire to stay home - again, none of her business, and her

willingness to drive to see you A YEAR AGO has nothing to do with your wish for

a weekend at home. Gee, hold grudges much, Mom?

Next paragraph - she criticizes your behavior at your last visit, and says

you're not necessary to the family. Then she (allegedly) gets your sister

involved so the two of them are in cahoots against you (or so Mom says). In

addition, your sister is oh-so-good, has such a long commute - see what a bad

son you are in comparison? By now the guilt (and the bull) are knee-deep.

Mom throws it up to you that YOU get to pick and choose which weekends you want

to be home - well, yes, that's your privilege as an adult. So what?

The fact that your parents didn't ask for help with their first computer has

NOTHING to do with this scheduling conflict. It simply isn't relevant. They

probably didn't ask you to change their tires when you were two, either. That

has nothing to do with this scheduling problem, with this computer, at this

time.

Next, she waves the theater tickets in your face, so to speak, and threatens to

deny you that treat. Bad Chris! No biscuit for you!

Then she dredges up some story about a long-passed vacation that you ruined for

her, supposedly. How long ago was that grievous sin? And what on earth does it

have to do with the new computer?

When you tell her that you've had plans for a weekend at home for two weeks, she

discounts your right to make plans for your own household (you and Becky) and

insinuates that your girlfriend doesn't know about your " dark side " (which

apparently is this evil plot to stay home ONE weekend, you devil.) Oh, if the

poor girl only knew how mean you are to your poor, computer-inept mother, who is

wasting away due to a lack of Itune downloads...

Then comes the threat - " you're out of the family! You're dead to me! I have

no son! You'll be all alone because of this! "

Finally, to make it all complete, she evokes Jesus, because he NEVER spent the

weekend doing stuff rather than helping his mom. (That 40 days in the desert

must have been at a time when 's chores were all caught up.)

your mom is a true piece of work. I don't know if she's BPD or not, but

she is pulling every trick in the book out of her hat. I know it's not funny

when you're in the middle of it, but really - this attempt to manipulate you is

just laughable.

As Annie and GirlScout have said, it does no good to explain or try to get Mom's

acceptance. You will either comply or you won't. If you cannot or will not

comply with her demand, then just say " No, not this weekend. I'm not

available. " - and stop right there. It isn't up for discussion. You don't owe

her an explanation. You said you're a grown man, living on your own. You get to

set your own schedule. Don't cave in to your dad's requests that you write long

missives, trying to appease her. It just gives her fodder for the next attack.

Save yourself a lot of time and trouble. Just tell her when you're available to

help (if you are), and if she doesn't like it, she can call the Geek Squad or

another computer service. If she cuts you out of the family holidays, take

Becky and go to the beach or learn to ski. (Or stay home if you want to!)

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Posted
Posted

- Okay, let's look at the particulars in her message back to you.

First, she gets the notion of " compromise " all wrong. You DID offer to give

her a hand with the computer. You DID offer phone help, and told her it was

just a matter of waiting another week or so. Her demand is that you " come do

what I want when I want it, and there are no other options. " Um, that's pretty

far from compromise. Then, she decides to pass judgment on your plans for the

weekend at home (which is absolutely none of her business). Next, she uses her

own story of driving up to your town (I guess?) to see a movie with you as a way

of discounting your desire to stay home - again, none of her business, and her

willingness to drive to see you A YEAR AGO has nothing to do with your wish for

a weekend at home. Gee, hold grudges much, Mom?

Next paragraph - she criticizes your behavior at your last visit, and says

you're not necessary to the family. Then she (allegedly) gets your sister

involved so the two of them are in cahoots against you (or so Mom says). In

addition, your sister is oh-so-good, has such a long commute - see what a bad

son you are in comparison? By now the guilt (and the bull) are knee-deep.

Mom throws it up to you that YOU get to pick and choose which weekends you want

to be home - well, yes, that's your privilege as an adult. So what?

The fact that your parents didn't ask for help with their first computer has

NOTHING to do with this scheduling conflict. It simply isn't relevant. They

probably didn't ask you to change their tires when you were two, either. That

has nothing to do with this scheduling problem, with this computer, at this

time.

Next, she waves the theater tickets in your face, so to speak, and threatens to

deny you that treat. Bad Chris! No biscuit for you!

Then she dredges up some story about a long-passed vacation that you ruined for

her, supposedly. How long ago was that grievous sin? And what on earth does it

have to do with the new computer?

When you tell her that you've had plans for a weekend at home for two weeks, she

discounts your right to make plans for your own household (you and Becky) and

insinuates that your girlfriend doesn't know about your " dark side " (which

apparently is this evil plot to stay home ONE weekend, you devil.) Oh, if the

poor girl only knew how mean you are to your poor, computer-inept mother, who is

wasting away due to a lack of Itune downloads...

Then comes the threat - " you're out of the family! You're dead to me! I have

no son! You'll be all alone because of this! "

Finally, to make it all complete, she evokes Jesus, because he NEVER spent the

weekend doing stuff rather than helping his mom. (That 40 days in the desert

must have been at a time when 's chores were all caught up.)

your mom is a true piece of work. I don't know if she's BPD or not, but

she is pulling every trick in the book out of her hat. I know it's not funny

when you're in the middle of it, but really - this attempt to manipulate you is

just laughable.

As Annie and GirlScout have said, it does no good to explain or try to get Mom's

acceptance. You will either comply or you won't. If you cannot or will not

comply with her demand, then just say " No, not this weekend. I'm not

available. " - and stop right there. It isn't up for discussion. You don't owe

her an explanation. You said you're a grown man, living on your own. You get to

set your own schedule. Don't cave in to your dad's requests that you write long

missives, trying to appease her. It just gives her fodder for the next attack.

Save yourself a lot of time and trouble. Just tell her when you're available to

help (if you are), and if she doesn't like it, she can call the Geek Squad or

another computer service. If she cuts you out of the family holidays, take

Becky and go to the beach or learn to ski. (Or stay home if you want to!)

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Posted
Posted

Wow! I love these analysis. you guys rock.

One other thought I got some hate-filled creepy ass messages frommy

brother's new partner (who I have never met, didn't even know she existed on

this planet). I just chose to reframe them as BPD recipe cards, or postcards

from BPD land and then I diagrahmed the meaning of each sentance. So for

example she said " Don't worry, I am giving your mother all the unconditional

love she deserved from you. " So I got out my 10th grade English class skills

and I redefined that to mean " Your mother is sucking the life out of me. I

can't handle being responsible for a 65 year old, completely capable adult

woman. I wish you would come take her off my hands. I've picked up the

family roles right where you left off and I hate it! Who gave me this job,

anyway? " and I laughed a bit, because she gave the job to herself!!! And the

only person who can give the job back is her! Of course, she thinks I should

swoop in and take over for her, because its really my job, of course (why, I

don't know), but I don't choose to do that. Instead I called the cops and

had them tell her she was stalking and I would press charges.

So anyway, you might try that with your mom's messages and redefine what she

is saying. One message I hear from her is " You are choosing yourself over

me. That makes me feel abandoned. I don't know what to do. I guess I will

try to switch it around so that I'm abandoning you instead of you abandoning

me. "

I don't know if that would help you - by all means, I am not saying you

should EVER allow her (or anyone else) to call you names, violate you, say

you are worthless like she does. It just might help to psychoanalyze a

little bit.

Good luck! Let us know how you are doing!

>

>

> wow. blah blah blah > the email.

>

> I am so sorry. all of this is so inappropriate. some people it seems just

> to have someone to abuse apparently. I'd be tempted to cut and past the part

> that says " I will never ask anything of you again " and just send it to her

> to remind her, every time there is an issue. Listening to crap like this, so

> abusive and assaultive of your character, in my mind pays back any debts you

> may have to them financially. you probably have years of hearing stuff like

> this. Hugs.

>

>

>

> >

> >

> > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

> psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a

> half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

> >

> > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> >

> > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

> new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the

> last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have

> spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are

> hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would

> be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said

> to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying

> " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to work it out

> between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an attitude from

> me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face and sending

> nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no response from me

> on.

> >

> > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

> forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with

> a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> >

> > Maley

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > " Look

> >

> > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

> about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about

> your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of

> things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> >

> > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

> SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> >

> > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

> had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> >

>

>

>

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I'm doing fine, thanks. I spoke to my sister last night about the situation as

my mom chose to involve her. She left it as that it isn't that far of a drive

for me to do it for her (1hr 1/2 each way) and she understands why my mom would

not want to wait an additional week after so many problems with the new computer

they just had to return. She also stated that " normal people " don't usually make

plans to do nothing (which is actually, just not make serious plans and travel

very far), so she understands why " mommy dearest " (my nickname for her)doesn't

understand. Apparently my sister didn't either. I told her regardless of her

understanding my " abnormal " reasoning, I should not be treated as I was. Upon

saying she is not in the know of the back and forth between us, I read a little

bit. She didn't have much to say.

She has her own issues with my mother as it circles between my sister, my dad,

and myself with who is the one not treating her right. She will call me crying

and asking for advice, and I give her a lot of advice that has already worked

for me. I am further past where she is in dealing with " mommy dearest " so my mom

plays her easiest tricks with her. For me she knows she has to pull out the big

guns as the small stuff doesn't phase me as much.

I'm taking your advice and not contacting her till she contacts me. I'll

continue to talk to my dad and sister but making sure not to call the house

phone to get my dad.

Thanks,

Chris

> >

> > nastygram from " sil " :

> >

> > " Don't worry, I am giving your mother all the unconditional

> > love she deserved from you. "

> >

> > translation/diagram per GC:

> >

> > " Your mother is sucking the life out of me. I can't handle being

> > responsible for a 65 year old, completely capable adult woman. I wish you

> > would come take her off my hands. I've picked up the family roles right

> > where you left off and I hate it! Who gave me this job, anyway? "

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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I don't think I've ever called Nada by her first name to her face but I have

referred to her as " firstname " instead of saying " my mother " to people. It helps

me create distance between myself and her actions.

> >

> > Hey Chris!

> >

> > One thing you need to remember is that if you were really the horrible

person your mother is saying you are, then she'd be cutting off contact with YOU

and not trying to guilt you into giving her free computer support, which is

essentially what she wants from you.

> >

> > A bit of advice: First off, If I were you, I'd cut off contact with her

completely for awhile. You simply don't deserve to be treated like that by

anyone. Secondly, when you must have contact with her, try calling her by her

first name. It really helps to start setting those psychological boundaries.

" Mom " has so many emotional strings attached to it.

> >

> > Good luck. Try to get yourself on your feet financially (I know, easier said

than done) and stay the hell away from her as much as you can. You might feel

guilty--we all do--but we really shouldn't.

> >

>

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I do the same thing, when i have to talk about my parents i refer to them by

their first name or even just initials when I'm writting. It does help keep that

emotional/psychological distance. I have not had the guts to call them by their

first name to their face...YET! All hell would surly break out. However, as they

continue to push me, they may have to hear me refer to them by their first

name. I easily refer to my in-laws as Mom and Dad, but calling my birth parents

Mom and Dad sickens me.

> > >

> > > Hey Chris!

> > >

> > > One thing you need to remember is that if you were really the horrible

person your mother is saying you are, then she'd be cutting off contact with YOU

and not trying to guilt you into giving her free computer support, which is

essentially what she wants from you.

> > >

> > > A bit of advice: First off, If I were you, I'd cut off contact with her

completely for awhile. You simply don't deserve to be treated like that by

anyone. Secondly, when you must have contact with her, try calling her by her

first name. It really helps to start setting those psychological boundaries.

" Mom " has so many emotional strings attached to it.

> > >

> > > Good luck. Try to get yourself on your feet financially (I know, easier

said than done) and stay the hell away from her as much as you can. You might

feel guilty--we all do--but we really shouldn't.

> > >

> >

>

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If BPD weren't Involved I would say your mother is a spoiled brat who

selfishly wants her own way. Geesh. You have every right to schedule

your time as you see fit, including do-nothing days.

Em

Sent from my blueberry.

> I'm doing fine, thanks. I spoke to my sister last night about the

> situation as my mom chose to involve her. She left it as that it

> isn't that far of a drive for me to do it for her (1hr 1/2 each way)

> and she understands why my mom would not want to wait an additional

> week after so many problems with the new computer they just had to

> return. She also stated that " normal people " don't usually make

> plans to do nothing (which is actually, just not make serious plans

> and travel very far), so she understands why " mommy dearest " (my

> nickname for her)doesn't understand. Apparently my sister didn't

> either. I told her regardless of her understanding my " abnormal "

> reasoning, I should not be treated as I was. Upon saying she is not

> in the know of the back and forth between us, I read a little bit.

> She didn't have much to say.

>

> She has her own issues with my mother as it circles between my

> sister, my dad, and myself with who is the one not treating her

> right. She will call me crying and asking for advice, and I give her

> a lot of advice that has already worked for me. I am further past

> where she is in dealing with " mommy dearest " so my mom plays her

> easiest tricks with her. For me she knows she has to pull out the

> big guns as the small stuff doesn't phase me as much.

>

> I'm taking your advice and not contacting her till she contacts me.

> I'll continue to talk to my dad and sister but making sure not to

> call the house phone to get my dad.

>

> Thanks,

> Chris

>

>

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Ok, the fire was fueled for " mommy dearest. " A big mess by trying to set

further limits. I attempted to block my mother on facebook yesterday, well i

found out today that it actually deleted her as a friend. Well she found out,

and prior to me being able to somehow remedy it (I am taking small steps) she

noticed. I found out by her contacting my girlfriend trying to pass a nasty

message to me through her. Well, I was sneaky and went into her facebook account

(she is my mother and I've had to use her password for tons of things in helping

her before)and re added myself as a friend. She still didn't realize it was back

to normal and was still typing to my girlfriend, so I wrote her on it to tell

her to leave her out of it. It then got heated since she then had me.

I told her I had only tried to restrict what she saw on my page. Didn't believe

me, saying I'm too smart for that. So now she says she is taking me off herself.

In some ways it seems good, but has decidedly severed the relationship more than

I initially wanted. Here is the last email she sent me after I got off from

facebook with her.

Chris

" You can't control the world. You need HELP. I think you're lying. You're too

SMART to have accidentally taken me " off " . So I'm removing you. Putting things

back where you wanted them. I don't want you to have me as a " friend " when you

don't want me on there, When you just put me on to pretend " you " didn't do

it.... You would KNOW if I was off. "

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

>

>

>

>

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me SUNK

you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling your

dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask you to

come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just wanted you

here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your sister was

coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask anything of you

again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again either. You're

not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

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Posted
Posted

Oh mate, she is having a ball with you right now.

Dont bother trying to explain yourself to her, she doesnt give a rats backside

why you do anything. She never has and never will.

She doesnt want you to reply to her emails, she wants to upset you and keep a

flame-war going to get the attention she wants. By replying you simply give her

more ammo, extend the rage and make yourself feel like hell. You think she

actually reads what you write?? Nope - she scans it for what she can use. Thats

all.

You life is your life. Delete her emails, block her email address and facebook

and go have some fun. You sound like you deserve some.

> >

> >

> > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

> >

> > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

> >

> > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

> >

> > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> >

> > Maley

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > " Look

> >

> > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> >

> > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling

your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask

you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just

wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your

sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask

anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again

either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> >

> > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

Oh dear. The Facebook incident was unfortunately a big mess, indeed. Since you

admit that you did something sneaky, its best to own up to a mistake and

apologize, even if nada can't or won't apologize to you for the abuse she's

handed you. It gives you the moral upper hand to take personal responsibility

for mistakes and offer a sincere apology.

Me personally, I don't think that social networking sites are a good place to

hang out when there are people with personality disorders in your life. The

Internet is so useful for so many things, but it can be a real weapon in the

hands of someone who is mentally ill. I was stalked and harassed via the

Internet for over three years by a former real-life friend with whom I had a bad

falling-out. This individual had been diagnosed a long time ago with npd, and I

just didn't want to have her abusive behaviors in my life any longer. I didn't

handle that breakup very well, I admit, and she was so angry at me that she felt

justified in harassing me via various Internet Groups. It took totally ignoring

all her " anonymous " posts for over three years for her to finally stop.

I suggest that perhaps you could benefit from reading some of the books on bpd

and boundary-setting first, before you try setting more boundaries, so you can

do it more effectively and in a state of emotional detachment.

-Annie

> >

> >

> > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

> >

> > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

> >

> > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

> >

> > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> >

> > Maley

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > " Look

> >

> > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> >

> > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling

your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask

you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just

wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your

sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask

anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again

either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> >

> > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

...you simply do not deserve to be put through this toxic level of

projection and vitriol from your mother.All of this started because you wanted

to delay setting up her computer for her by one more week? Your mother is out of

control and out of order.

It seems that any attempt to appease her or placate her only further fans

the flames and encourages her to up the ante.Her behavior is abusive,period.

I can see how it would be tricky to get your sister on board at the

moment but is there any way you could communicate privately with your father and

explain to him the reasons you have for needing to set a definite boundary with

your mother at this time? Since trying to appease her clearly isn't working.

Personally,and this is for you to take or leave and I offer my opinion

with respect for you and whatever decision/s you make,I think it's time to have

your mother's screeds bounce back to the cyber void unread by you.She is just

sending you psychic pollution and that can't do you any good--especially since

there is no way for you to respond without causing yourself further grief.It

seems to me personally from reading what you have shared that a total non

response boundary is called for at this point.You don't owe her any explanations

and besides she has made it quite abundantly clear that she isn't listening to

anything you say anyway.

Just my 2 cents.

>

> Ok, the fire was fueled for " mommy dearest. " A big mess by trying to set

further limits. I attempted to block my mother on facebook yesterday, well i

found out today that it actually deleted her as a friend. Well she found out,

and prior to me being able to somehow remedy it (I am taking small steps) she

noticed. I found out by her contacting my girlfriend trying to pass a nasty

message to me through her. Well, I was sneaky and went into her facebook account

(she is my mother and I've had to use her password for tons of things in helping

her before)and re added myself as a friend. She still didn't realize it was back

to normal and was still typing to my girlfriend, so I wrote her on it to tell

her to leave her out of it. It then got heated since she then had me.

>

> I told her I had only tried to restrict what she saw on my page. Didn't

believe me, saying I'm too smart for that. So now she says she is taking me off

herself. In some ways it seems good, but has decidedly severed the relationship

more than I initially wanted. Here is the last email she sent me after I got

off from facebook with her.

>

> Chris

>

> " You can't control the world. You need HELP. I think you're lying. You're too

SMART to have accidentally taken me " off " . So I'm removing you. Putting things

back where you wanted them. I don't want you to have me as a " friend " when you

don't want me on there, When you just put me on to pretend " you " didn't do

it.... You would KNOW if I was off. "

>

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Posted
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FB is very dangerous for us KOs. It gives Nadas one more powerful instrument of

control. They LOVE facebook (You can hear my nada saying: " See how many friends

that love me I have?). Through FB they see our 'friends' postings, check our

connections, post inappropriate comments on our pages. The list goes on. FB

offers very limited privacy in the end. It is really like let your nada read

your mail, your diary, your blog and if you happen to have friends in common,

they can check all the 'wall-to-wall' communications, i.e. read emails you think

you are sending to your friends, but can be read by all your other 'friends' in

common. Scary.

Just take your nada off your page. I did, to avoid a long series of problems.

Yes, she was terribly offended, she complained, she called, and lamented that

her ungrateful, selfish daughter canceled her from Fb and blah, blah. Nothing

new.

Delete her and she'll send you nasty emails, but so what? You are already

receiving them anyway. Remember, no matter what you do or don't, in their eyes

you are always wrong, anyway.

take care.

>

> Ok, the fire was fueled for " mommy dearest. " A big mess by trying to set

further limits. I attempted to block my mother on facebook yesterday, well i

found out today that it actually deleted her as a friend. Well she found out,

and prior to me being able to somehow remedy it (I am taking small steps) she

noticed. I found out by her contacting my girlfriend trying to pass a nasty

message to me through her. Well, I was sneaky and went into her facebook account

(she is my mother and I've had to use her password for tons of things in helping

her before)and re added myself as a friend. She still didn't realize it was back

to normal and was still typing to my girlfriend, so I wrote her on it to tell

her to leave her out of it. It then got heated since she then had me.

>

> I told her I had only tried to restrict what she saw on my page. Didn't

believe me, saying I'm too smart for that. So now she says she is taking me off

herself. In some ways it seems good, but has decidedly severed the relationship

more than I initially wanted. Here is the last email she sent me after I got

off from facebook with her.

>

> Chris

>

> " You can't control the world. You need HELP. I think you're lying. You're too

SMART to have accidentally taken me " off " . So I'm removing you. Putting things

back where you wanted them. I don't want you to have me as a " friend " when you

don't want me on there, When you just put me on to pretend " you " didn't do

it.... You would KNOW if I was off. "

>

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Posted
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The sneaky part of what I did was only logging onto her account to try to fix

what I had done. It was per someone's advise on here as far as blocking her. I

don't think she realized that I went into her account. She just doesn't believe

I didn't mean to drop her as a friend when I told her I was altering what she

could and couldn't see in the settings only.

Chris

> > >

> > >

> > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

> > >

> > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

> > >

> > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last

time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent

time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away

and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do

it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't

come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

> > >

> > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > >

> > > Maley

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > " Look

> > >

> > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > >

> > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me

SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling

your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask

you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just

wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your

sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask

anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again

either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> > >

> > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times,

or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES

on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you

liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > >

> >

>

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Wow, bud, I hate to say it, but I think you are too enmeshed with her. To be

able to access so much of her life. And I'll tell you what, If someone had

my facebook password, I would be nice to them. Because they could make a

mess of my relationships by pretending to be me and logging into my account!

So I have to disagree about not using Facebook and social networking at all.

I work in communications, and I have to have that as a tool for my career. I

think a lot of us are in the same boat. You do have to be careful what you

post (I keep it very light and fun loving or informational, rarely personal)

and who you allow on your page. My whole family is blocked. If you block

someone, they can't read your communications even if you have a friend in

common. And if someone is a friend of Nada - blockarino!

I don't think it serves us KOs to completely ban a form of communication

from our lives just because nada might use it to abuse us. After all - isn't

the same thing true of having a phone line, and e-mail account, text

messaging service - even the basic power of speach? You can't deny yourself

important tools for interacting in the world as a way to hide from Nada.

I'm not saying everyone needs to have Facebook - it totally depends on your

career and your lifestyle. But for me, about 30 percent of my career takes

PLACE on facebook. And I'm not giving that up out of fear of nada and her

minions. Of course, I am lucky in one way - my FOO doesn't try to contact me

often. I think for the most part they took the hint. I was put out to the

curb by nada years ago - oh look, girlscout is not a source of narcisstic

supply for me - guess I'll look elsewhere for my sticky drug.

My 2 cents. XOXOX

>

>

> The sneaky part of what I did was only logging onto her account to try to

> fix what I had done. It was per someone's advise on here as far as blocking

> her. I don't think she realized that I went into her account. She just

> doesn't believe I didn't mean to drop her as a friend when I told her I was

> altering what she could and couldn't see in the settings only.

>

> Chris

>

>

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters

> in psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and

> a half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > >

> > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > > >

> > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be

> getting a new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out

> well the last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend

> and I have spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day

> trips that are hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her

> that I would be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now

> claims I said to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of

> me just saying " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to

> work it out between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an

> attitude from me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face

> and sending nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no

> response from me on.

> > > >

> > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went

> on forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you

> with a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > >

> > > > Maley

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > " Look

> > > >

> > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's

> not about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's

> about your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot

> of things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > >

> > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to

> me SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> > > >

> > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether

> we had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

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Posted
Posted

I apologize. I advised you to take a " time out " from your nada and then when

you tried to do so it caused you more grief: you tried to un-do it, and got

caught out by nada. Figuring out what will and won't work for you in becoming

more autonomous and emotionally detached from your parents is going to be like

navigating through a mine-field, it seems. I still recommend reading " Stop

Walking on Eggshells " and the other books on bpd to help achieve more emotional

detachment. The bottom line is still (imho) that your mother is overly-attached

to you, overly-enmeshed with you, and emotionally abusive to you, and its OK for

you as an adult to have a separate, independent, private adult life that has

nothing to do with your parents. How you go about establishing that and

achieving healing for yourself is a personal journey, only you can decide (or

discover through trial and error) what will and won't work for you.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > >

> > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

> > > >

> > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a

new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last

time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent

time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away

and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do

it not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't

come at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

> > > >

> > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > >

> > > > Maley

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > " Look

> > > >

> > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not

about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > >

> > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to

me SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I

just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and

your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask

anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again

either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> > > >

> > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we

had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times,

or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES

on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you

liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

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Posted
Posted

Yeah I only had her password since she is always having issues with one thing or

another and giving it out with there being one or two passwords she uses for

everything. Believe me I do not what to be this enmeshed with her and I know it

is good to realize that which is different than my sister. It is difficult do to

going my whole life being tought this level of contact is what family is and

anything else is being selfish. I'm the one with the most clarity, then my dad,

then my sister. She has always been a mommy's girl and spends whole weekends

there for events, which had made me scared to do anything different. Yes I know

I should read more books on this and breaking out of this line of thinking.

Chris

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters

> > in psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and

> > a half away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline

> > Personality. I feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to

> > diagnose their wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated

> > for OCD, depression, and migraines. I overall see my mother as very

> > controlling and manipulative and tries to buy others love with gifts and

> > seeks the gratitude from when she does. My mother takes offense at

> > everything my father does and will call me up to put me in the middle,

> > expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or agree with

> > him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards me or my

> > sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on facebook

> > or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time to do

> > that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She also

> > will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the phone

> > when it is inconvenient for them.

> > > > >

> > > > > My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

> > currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer

> > used car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly

> > car payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I

> > would of had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for

> > a broadway show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me

> > being a comic reader and fan of U2.

> > > > >

> > > > > Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be

> > getting a new one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out

> > well the last time I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend

> > and I have spent time away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day

> > trips that are hours away and wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her

> > that I would be happy to do it not this weekend but the following. She now

> > claims I said to her " I don't come at your beck and call " which was more of

> > me just saying " I can't do things according to your schedule, we need to

> > work it out between both of ours. " It was the same meaning, but less of an

> > attitude from me. She is now throwing recent " acts of kindness " in my face

> > and sending nasty emails and text messages which she says she wants no

> > response from me on.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went

> > on forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you

> > with a copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

> > > > >

> > > > > Maley

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > " Look

> > > > >

> > > > > The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's

> > not about You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's

> > about your Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot

> > of things two weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER

> > THINGS. But you don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are

> > stubborn, self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around

> > YOU. For someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your

> > own depressed mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you

> > are given things that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first

> > place if you weren't a person of character and appreciated what I have

> > always tried to be there for you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those

> > things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE. They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you

> > didn't want to let me get off the phone OR I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I

> > was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU in your controlling way, I

> > wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to do something nice -

> > with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask you and I

> > thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the night

> > before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would have

> > had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

> > > > >

> > > > > You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to

> > me SUNK you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when

> > telling your dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and

> > just ask you to come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was

> > all. I just wanted you here as with the depression I am not prepared for

> > company and your sister was coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me,

> > I'll NEVER ask anything of you again. And, I won't think of doing anything

> > nice for you again either. You're not the " man " I thought you were.

> > > > >

> > > > > You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether

> > we had bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate

> > times, or getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever

> > to say YES on, or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR

> > whim. Maybe you liked it better when we did nothing for you. "

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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