Re: Introducing myself and my current situation

[Guest guest]

Hey!!!

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I'm finally in front of a

computer with internet. However, it seems that you've already received a

lot of useful advice and feed back. I was going to write something a little

bit longer, but I feel this thread has been exhausted.

ly, the degree of her sickness is incredibly apparent and appalling.

I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

nada: " It's about your Selfishness.....You are stubborn, self-righeous,

self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For someone who took

up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed mother as

well. "

If..... no, I think almost every one on this forum has experienced similar

words.... When some one who I looked to for support and love said this to

me, I felt devastated. I feel like this is obvious, but not stated. Just

reading this makes part of me want to cry.

nada: " THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things that

in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for

you BEFORE non-monitarily and since. "

The key word here is " deserve " . The only point of these words are to

emotionally manipulate. And now here we are feeling like we don't deserve

love. Or to be taken care of. And this feeling which has been drilled into

us, affects all of us to this day.

After reading your letters, I realized that our attempts to desperately

communicate with our nada's and fada's can be understood in terms of Harlows

surrogate mother experiment. Except in this case, the surrogate mother is,

for all practical purposes, a cloth that provides abuse as opposed to

nothing. I think Harlow did some studies on that too....

I've been LC with my fada for a couple of years now. He used to reach out

this time of year, and we would keep things light and even enjoy a

conversation. The fact he isn't reaching out this year makes me feel sad.

But I know if he did reach out, I would only feel sadder. I think this is

the same sadness the infant primates felt.

Peace

[Guest guest]

WOW! I've read lots of descriptions of people's crazy mothers on this site and

well, your description of your mother sounds the most like mine of any I have

read. I am truly sorry. My mom also has been diagnosed with depression, OCD

and migraines. The gifts with strings attached, the facebook stalking, the way

in which she twists words and manufactures slights, the demand for favors

rendered--I know this woman!

That said, I am truly sorry for you and what you have to deal with. However,

she does not have to rule your life. I started creating distance from my nada

in my late 20s (I'm in my mid 30s now) and my quality of life improved

dramatically! I still see my mother, frankly more often than I would like, but

I have found that creating geographic distance has been extremely effective for

my sanity. I call weekly (less often if she happens to call me) and make sure

to remember her birthday and Christmas. I attend some family gatherings, but do

not stay overnight at her home. She still does bpd things that churn me up

inside. (After all, her latest antics are why I'm reading messages today.)

However, reducing the number of interactions I have with her gives her less

opportunity to make me feel awful. One major warning: it gets far worse before

it gets better. I never announced my intention to create distance/space, etc.

(In fact, when I moved across the country, I really wasn't consciously motivated

by a desire to get away from her at all; I just had a great scholarship).

However, when I moved away, and later when I got married, things got ugly. Each

time I had to set up a new equilibrium and establish new boundaries. It is hard

work, but it is worth it!

Good luck,

Anne

[Guest guest]

How hurtful! The thing is, she sounds just like my NADA..... If I had a penny

for every time I have been called selfish... (I really would be rich!) There is

absolutely no excuse for the hurtful, abusive email she wrote you... Parents

have no right to say things like that! It is nothing but abuse! I would not have

even read the entire thing if my NADA would have sent it!! Dealing with them is

a battle all in itself... Hang in there... I think most of us can relate very

closely to what you are going through...

>

>

> Hello, my name is Chris. I am a 28 year old adult who has his masters in

psychology but am still just scraping by financially. I live an hour and a half

away from my mother, who is an undiagnosed person with Borderline Personality. I

feel this is more than simply someone in the field trying to diagnose their

wacky family. My mother is already diagnosed and is treated for OCD, depression,

and migraines. I overall see my mother as very controlling and manipulative and

tries to buy others love with gifts and seeks the gratitude from when she does.

My mother takes offense at everything my father does and will call me up to put

me in the middle, expecting me to agree with her. When I either stay neutral or

agree with him, or say I am not getting involved, her wrath will pivot towards

me or my sister who lives further away with her fiance. She will stalk me on

facebook or twitter, holding any posting on there as me being rude, having time

to do that rather than respond to her on things I am delaying discussing. She

also will claim suicidal thoughts to make others feel guilty to stay on the

phone when it is inconvenient for them.

>

> My car was in need for major repairs that would cost more than it was

currently worth. My mother convinced my dad to help by purchasing a newer used

car for me, as I was unable to pay for repairs or the cost of monthly car

payments. I was hesitant to take the offer, but due to my situation I would of

had no choice so I did so. She has also recently bought tickets for a broadway

show I was looking forward to coming out which is Spider-man, me being a comic

reader and fan of U2.

>

> Recently, she has had issues with the computer and she will be getting a new

one. She had asked me to help set it up as it didn't turn out well the last time

I was not there. The past couple weekends my girlfriend and I have spent time

away, either on vacation, overnight trips, or day trips that are hours away and

wanted a quiet weekend. Due to this I told her that I would be happy to do it

not this weekend but the following. She now claims I said to her " I don't come

at your beck and call " which was more of me just saying " I can't do things

according to your schedule, we need to work it out between both of ours. " It was

the same meaning, but less of an attitude from me. She is now throwing recent

" acts of kindness " in my face and sending nasty emails and text messages which

she says she wants no response from me on.

>

> I'll appreciate any help or advice any of you may have. I know I went on

forever, but it helps to explain the situation. Thanks. I'll leave you with a

copy and paste of the emails I got today from her.

>

> Maley

>

>

>

>

>

>

> " Look

>

> The subject is no longer up for discussion. You don't get it. It's not about

You. It's not about You and Becky. It's not even about Me. It's about your

Selfishness.Who cares what you said two weeks ago. I said a lot of things two

weeks ago. That isn't what this is about. This is about OTHER THINGS. But you

don't get that. Did you even READ what I wrote ? You are stubborn,

self-righeous, self-centered, and think the world revolves around YOU. For

someone who took up psychology, you have no empathy for even your own depressed

mother as well. THAT tells me a lot in itself, let alone you are given things

that in the end you evidently didn't deserve in the first place if you weren't a

person of character and appreciated what I have always tried to be there for you

BEFORE non-monitarily and since. Those things said last night ? Un-BELIEVABLE.

They hurt TO THEE BONE. And then you didn't want to let me get off the phone OR

I was " hanging up on YOU " ??? I was so hurt I HAD to get off right away, but YOU

in your controlling way, I wasn't ALLOWED to, or I was " Hanging Up " . I tried to

do something nice - with NO STRINGS. It was only afterward that I wanted to ask

you and I thought surely you would do it, as I could have gotten the tickets the

night before, but I wanted to make sure to talk to your dad AND you. I would

have had CLOSER seats by TWO ROWS then.

>

> You are UNFu--ing believable, . Those 2 lines you said to me SUNK

you last night. I even wrote them down so I would get it write when telling your

dad. And I did nothing but try to do something nice for you and just ask you to

come down for a day - just a DAY, with just YOU. That was all. I just wanted you

here as with the depression I am not prepared for company and your sister was

coming up for the weekend as well. Believe me, I'll NEVER ask anything of you

again. And, I won't think of doing anything nice for you again either. You're

not the " man " I thought you were.

>

> You know, I would have thought you would have done it for us, whether we had

bought you anything or not.... But even helping you out at desperate times, or

getting you courses to get you a better job that took you forever to say YES on,

or Treating you,you turn your back and things are at YOUR whim. Maybe you liked

it better when we did nothing for you. "

>

[Guest guest]

Seriously, your situation sounds more and more like mine, except I have more

siblings. The only big difference in modus operandi is that my mom generally

leaves her rants verbally on voicemail rather than written in email. Like in

your family, my dad has always been the peacemaker (and now I realize, enabler)

of the family. I honestly enjoy the relationships I have with each of my

siblings and my father. The hardest, most painful part of setting any sort of

boundary with my mother has been the impact it has had on my other family

relationships. Now, she usually flatters me to my face and saves her vitriol

for behind my back. Her distortion campaigns have damaged the relationship I

once had with my father and seriously wounded my relationship with my youngest

sibling. Still, I would do it again. Life is so much better!!!

That said, I think it will be harder for you, since you only have one sibling.

It will get worse before it gets better, but it can get better.

Best of luck,

Anne

>

> Yeah I only had her password since she is always having issues with one thing

or another and giving it out with there being one or two passwords she uses for

everything. Believe me I do not what to be this enmeshed with her and I know it

is good to realize that which is different than my sister. It is difficult do to

going my whole life being tought this level of contact is what family is and

anything else is being selfish. I'm the one with the most clarity, then my dad,

then my sister. She has always been a mommy's girl and spends whole weekends

there for events, which had made me scared to do anything different. Yes I know

I should read more books on this and breaking out of this line of thinking.

>

> Chris

>