Re: Looking for Feedback on Letter to Nada

September 18, 2010

Wow, that's a really strong letter! I think its great to write letters like

this and get all your feelings down on paper; I do it rather often, myself but I

never actually send them. Just a few days ago I wrote a scathing " I quit! "

letter to one of my clients, but, it will never be sent. It was sure fun

writing it though. It was a Pulizer-prize-winning " I QUIT! " letter, lol! Very

cathartic.

My own personal opinion (which you can take or leave, depending on your own

situation) is: don't send it. Sending that letter will not result in anything

positive. Instead, you would be handing your nada another weapon on a silver

platter, to use against you. Sending that letter would be to continue to keep

yourself engaged with and enmeshed in a no-win, negative relationship and

situation.

I suggest that perhaps its now better to focus on other, more positive things

than your toxic foo. All we can do in this life is be the best person we can

be: we can do kind, helpful things for other people, we can try to do some good

in this world. We can celebrate life.

I agree that it is hard to accept that some people will want to be with us and

others won't, some will love us and some will hate us, and its often for their

own reasons that have nothing to do with us. If I were you, I'd decide to

concentrate on developing relationships with people who are capable of and do

appreciate goodness and kindness and who are able to have a two-way relationship

with you, both giving and receiving. Those are the people I'd want to spend time

with and spend my energy thinking about.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> After my recent experience with nada rubbing my face in the fact that she's

hoovering my sons into her corner, I've decided to write her the following

letter. Mostly I'm doing it to validate her feelings and behaviors towards me

and by doing so I'm hoping to take away the power and reward she's been feeling.

I'm hoping that by seeming to give her my blessing upon her behavior will

cheapen the thrill for her.

>

> Feedback prior to mailing this is most welcome. Thanks. Here's the letter:

>

> Dear Mother,

>

> I know your dreams were to have a son who would appreciate you, make you

increasingly proud by exceeding all of your expectations and cause you to feel

grateful to be a mother.

>

> I know those dreams were destroyed when you gave birth to a left-handed

bedwetting daughter who's been nothing but a huge disappointment to you from the

start, who's never done anything right, who's never come close to meeting your

expectations. You told me many times you wished you were never born, but I know

deep down you were really saying you wished I was never born because I've done

nothing but make your life miserable. I'm sorry that I'm incompetent and

incapable of ever being the child you wanted or needed. I've finally accepted

the fact that I'll never measure up.

>

> It appears my sons have succeeded in doing something which I've never been

able to - bring out the best in you. May your grandsons and great-grandson

fulfill all of your long-awaited dreams and expectations, making you proud and

happy to be alive.

>

September 18, 2010

Oh honey, please don't send that letter! I normally steer clear from telling

people what to do on this site, but that is a really, really, really bad idea.

This letter was painful for me to read. It must be very painful for you to have

those feelings. The thing I don't like about you sending her that letter, is it

REALLY is putting YOU down. It puts you in a one-down position, which you DO

NOT DESERVE TO BE IN.

It is OKAY to be left handed! It is OKAY to be a girl! Wetting your bed was

probably a sign of huge emotional distress and is NOTHING to be ashamed of! And

you are NOT incompetent.

You may have been saying those things in jest, but I just think it would

possibly be too satisfying for her to read. This letter is coming from a place

of a very, very wounded child. And that is OKAY too! I just feel like you need

to PROTECT that wounded child from her. Don't reveal her hurt feelings to a

freaking cobra, you know what I mean? Reveal them to someone safe, like us or a

therapist.

At least just promise you'll sit on it for a week? Maybe you will change your

mind by then.

But keep writing if you need to; just rethink the sending part. And sorry about

all the yelling! ;-)

Deanna

>

> Hello,

>

> After my recent experience with nada rubbing my face in the fact that she's

hoovering my sons into her corner, I've decided to write her the following

letter. Mostly I'm doing it to validate her feelings and behaviors towards me

and by doing so I'm hoping to take away the power and reward she's been feeling.

I'm hoping that by seeming to give her my blessing upon her behavior will

cheapen the thrill for her.

>

> Feedback prior to mailing this is most welcome. Thanks. Here's the letter:

>

> Dear Mother,

>

> I know your dreams were to have a son who would appreciate you, make you

increasingly proud by exceeding all of your expectations and cause you to feel

grateful to be a mother.

>

> I know those dreams were destroyed when you gave birth to a left-handed

bedwetting daughter who's been nothing but a huge disappointment to you from the

start, who's never done anything right, who's never come close to meeting your

expectations. You told me many times you wished you were never born, but I know

deep down you were really saying you wished I was never born because I've done

nothing but make your life miserable. I'm sorry that I'm incompetent and

incapable of ever being the child you wanted or needed. I've finally accepted

the fact that I'll never measure up.

>

> It appears my sons have succeeded in doing something which I've never been

able to - bring out the best in you. May your grandsons and great-grandson

fulfill all of your long-awaited dreams and expectations, making you proud and

happy to be alive.

>

September 18, 2010

Hey , Can I point out one thing though? I wonder what you can do to

heal and enjoy life while your nada is still living - because it might be a

while before she goes for good. And like you said, she isn't the only BPD in

your life. Just a thought, see if it clicks for you. Hugs, Girlscout

>

> , Deanna & Annie,

>

> Well since all three of you are in strong agreement, I'll take your advice.

>

> Maybe I'll save it and put the letter in nada's hands while she's laying in

> her

> coffin....if she doesn't out live me. Or maybe my note attached to the

> ribbon

> of her funeral flowers - which I'm thinking might read " Mommy Dearest " .

>

> Thanks for the feedback.

> K

>

> ________________________________

> From: andrea freudeman <afreudes@... <afreudes%40yahoo.com>>

> To: wtoadultchildren1 <wtoadultchildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Sent: Sat, September 18, 2010 2:41:03 PM

> Subject: Re: Re: Looking for Feedback on Letter to Nada

>

> From experience I wouldn't send that letter. She's going to either twist

> your

> words or give you either no response or the opposite of what you're looking

> for.

>

> My nada has said a lot of those similar things to me. I am a twin and he

> came

> out first after he arrived my nada learned there was a second baby she said

> she

> hoped.it was a girl but if she would have known I would be the way I am

> she

> would of rather me not be born.

> It hurts to hear you say your nada has said similar things to you. I

> couldn't

> imagine ever saying that to anyone. I'm sure you are a strong left handed

> woman

> (lol) and a great mom! Keep moving forward and try not looking back. Write

> all

> you want get it out but don't share those open wounds that she created with

> her

> it will just give her satisfaction.

> Hang in there,

>

> >Oh honey, please don't send that letter! I normally steer clear from

> telling

> >people what to do on this site, but that is a really, really, really bad

> idea.

> >

> >This letter was painful for me to read. It must be very painful for you to

> have

> >those feelings. The thing I don't like about you sending her that letter,

> is it

> >REALLY is putting YOU down. It puts you in a one-down position, which you

> DO

> >NOT DESERVE TO BE IN.

> >

> >It is OKAY to be left handed! It is OKAY to be a girl! Wetting your bed

> was

> >probably a sign of huge emotional distress and is NOTHING to be ashamed

> of! And

> >you are NOT incompetent.

> >

> >You may have been saying those things in jest, but I just think it would

> >possibly be too satisfying for her to read. This letter is coming from a

> place

> >of a very, very wounded child. And that is OKAY too! I just feel like you

> need

> >to PROTECT that wounded child from her. Don't reveal her hurt feelings to

> a

> >freaking cobra, you know what I mean? Reveal them to someone safe, like us

> or a

> >therapist.

> >

> >At least just promise you'll sit on it for a week? Maybe you will change

> your

> >mind by then.

> >

> >But keep writing if you need to; just rethink the sending part. And sorry

> about

> >all the yelling! ;-)

> >

> >Deanna

> >

> >>

> >> Hello,

> >>

> >> After my recent experience with nada rubbing my face in the fact that

> she's

> >>hoovering my sons into her corner, I've decided to write her the

> following

> >>letter. Mostly I'm doing it to validate her feelings and behaviors

> towards me

> >>and by doing so I'm hoping to take away the power and reward she's been

> feeling.

> >>I'm hoping that by seeming to give her my blessing upon her behavior will

>

> >>cheapen the thrill for her.

> >>

> >> Feedback prior to mailing this is most welcome. Thanks. Here's the

> letter:

> >>

> >> Dear Mother,

> >>

> >> I know your dreams were to have a son who would appreciate you, make you

>

> >>increasingly proud by exceeding all of your expectations and cause you to

> feel

> >>grateful to be a mother.

> >>

> >> I know those dreams were destroyed when you gave birth to a left-handed

> >>bedwetting daughter who's been nothing but a huge disappointment to you

> from the

> >>start, who's never done anything right, who's never come close to meeting

> your

> >>expectations. You told me many times you wished you were never born, but

> I know

> >>deep down you were really saying you wished I was never born because I've

> done

> >>nothing but make your life miserable. I'm sorry that I'm incompetent and

> >>incapable of ever being the child you wanted or needed. I've finally

> accepted

> >>the fact that I'll never measure up.

> >>

> >> It appears my sons have succeeded in doing something which I've never

> been able

> >>to - bring out the best in you. May your grandsons and great-grandson

> fulfill

> >>all of your long-awaited dreams and expectations, making you proud and

> happy to

> >>be alive.

> >>

> >

>

September 18, 2010

Girlscout,

I'm open to suggestions.......

K

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sat, September 18, 2010 7:10:17 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Looking for Feedback on Letter to Nada

Hey , Can I point out one thing though? I wonder what you can do to

heal and enjoy life while your nada is still living - because it might be a

while before she goes for good. And like you said, she isn't the only BPD in

your life. Just a thought, see if it clicks for you. Hugs, Girlscout

>

> , Deanna & Annie,

>

> Well since all three of you are in strong agreement, I'll take your advice.

>

> Maybe I'll save it and put the letter in nada's hands while she's laying in

> her

> coffin....if she doesn't out live me. Or maybe my note attached to the

> ribbon

> of her funeral flowers - which I'm thinking might read " Mommy Dearest " .

>

> Thanks for the feedback.

> K

>

> ________________________________

> From: andrea freudeman <afreudes@... <afreudes%40yahoo.com>>

> To: wtoadultchildren1 <wtoadultchildren1%40yahoogroups.com>

> Sent: Sat, September 18, 2010 2:41:03 PM

> Subject: Re: Re: Looking for Feedback on Letter to Nada

>

> From experience I wouldn't send that letter. She's going to either twist

> your

> words or give you either no response or the opposite of what you're looking

> for.

>

> My nada has said a lot of those similar things to me. I am a twin and he

> came

> out first after he arrived my nada learned there was a second baby she said

> she

> hoped.it was a girl but if she would have known I would be the way I am

> she

> would of rather me not be born.

> It hurts to hear you say your nada has said similar things to you. I

> couldn't

> imagine ever saying that to anyone. I'm sure you are a strong left handed

> woman

> (lol) and a great mom! Keep moving forward and try not looking back. Write

> all

> you want get it out but don't share those open wounds that she created with

> her

> it will just give her satisfaction.

> Hang in there,

>

> >Oh honey, please don't send that letter! I normally steer clear from

> telling

> >people what to do on this site, but that is a really, really, really bad

> idea.

> >

> >This letter was painful for me to read. It must be very painful for you to

> have

> >those feelings. The thing I don't like about you sending her that letter,

> is it

> >REALLY is putting YOU down. It puts you in a one-down position, which you

> DO

> >NOT DESERVE TO BE IN.

> >

> >It is OKAY to be left handed! It is OKAY to be a girl! Wetting your bed

> was

> >probably a sign of huge emotional distress and is NOTHING to be ashamed

> of! And

> >you are NOT incompetent.

> >

> >You may have been saying those things in jest, but I just think it would

> >possibly be too satisfying for her to read. This letter is coming from a

> place

> >of a very, very wounded child. And that is OKAY too! I just feel like you

> need

> >to PROTECT that wounded child from her. Don't reveal her hurt feelings to

> a

> >freaking cobra, you know what I mean? Reveal them to someone safe, like us

> or a

> >therapist.

> >

> >At least just promise you'll sit on it for a week? Maybe you will change

> your

> >mind by then.

> >

> >But keep writing if you need to; just rethink the sending part. And sorry

> about

> >all the yelling! ;-)

> >

> >Deanna

> >

> >>

> >> Hello,

> >>

> >> After my recent experience with nada rubbing my face in the fact that

> she's

> >>hoovering my sons into her corner, I've decided to write her the

> following

> >>letter. Mostly I'm doing it to validate her feelings and behaviors

> towards me

> >>and by doing so I'm hoping to take away the power and reward she's been

> feeling.

> >>I'm hoping that by seeming to give her my blessing upon her behavior will

>

> >>cheapen the thrill for her.

> >>

> >> Feedback prior to mailing this is most welcome. Thanks. Here's the

> letter:

> >>

> >> Dear Mother,

> >>

> >> I know your dreams were to have a son who would appreciate you, make you

>

> >>increasingly proud by exceeding all of your expectations and cause you to

> feel

> >>grateful to be a mother.

> >>

> >> I know those dreams were destroyed when you gave birth to a left-handed

> >>bedwetting daughter who's been nothing but a huge disappointment to you

> from the

> >>start, who's never done anything right, who's never come close to meeting

> your

> >>expectations. You told me many times you wished you were never born, but

> I know

> >>deep down you were really saying you wished I was never born because I've

> done

> >>nothing but make your life miserable. I'm sorry that I'm incompetent and

> >>incapable of ever being the child you wanted or needed. I've finally

> accepted

> >>the fact that I'll never measure up.

> >>

> >> It appears my sons have succeeded in doing something which I've never

> been able

> >>to - bring out the best in you. May your grandsons and great-grandson

> fulfill

> >>all of your long-awaited dreams and expectations, making you proud and

> happy to

> >>be alive.

> >>

> >

>

September 18, 2010

Love the letter! And I'm in agreement with the others here. It will bring

nothing positive/productive, and is exactly the type of thing BPs exploit to

bring you harm.

To quote a friend on this site: " the only way to win the game is not to play. "

I know it's counter-intuitive, but sending this letter is giving her a huge

victory. If you want to make a point? Ignore her completely.

And be prepared--she won't like that very much.

Having said all of that, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can

absolutely feel and empathize with the pain here. If you have a moment, go

through some old posts (last week, I think?) and look for the poem someone was

kind enough to post. It really captures the frustration and sadness of being a

KO--never good enough, never able to win.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Hello,

>

> After my recent experience with nada rubbing my face in the fact that she's

hoovering my sons into her corner, I've decided to write her the following

letter. Mostly I'm doing it to validate her feelings and behaviors towards me

and by doing so I'm hoping to take away the power and reward she's been feeling.

I'm hoping that by seeming to give her my blessing upon her behavior will

cheapen the thrill for her.

>

> Feedback prior to mailing this is most welcome. Thanks. Here's the letter:

>

> Dear Mother,

>

> I know your dreams were to have a son who would appreciate you, make you

increasingly proud by exceeding all of your expectations and cause you to feel

grateful to be a mother.

>

> I know those dreams were destroyed when you gave birth to a left-handed

bedwetting daughter who's been nothing but a huge disappointment to you from the

start, who's never done anything right, who's never come close to meeting your

expectations. You told me many times you wished you were never born, but I know

deep down you were really saying you wished I was never born because I've done

nothing but make your life miserable. I'm sorry that I'm incompetent and

incapable of ever being the child you wanted or needed. I've finally accepted

the fact that I'll never measure up.

>

> It appears my sons have succeeded in doing something which I've never been

able to - bring out the best in you. May your grandsons and great-grandson

fulfill all of your long-awaited dreams and expectations, making you proud and

happy to be alive.

>

September 19, 2010

It also makes me wonder if she would see it as confirmation and write back

something like 'but I accept your shortcomings and love you anyway'. There is a

note of rancor that I am sure is unintended toward the sons as well that she

might take and run with. If I were to write her anything it would be something

like 'I learned from your mistakes and made it my personal goal to be better

parent than you were, therefore I am thrilled about the esteem in which you hold

my sons because it proves to me that I succeeded in not repeating all of your

mistakes in raising me with my own children. They say if you can't be a bad

example, be a horrible warning, and I guess I owe you a note of thanks for the

warning and thus the determination to produce loving, compassionate, loyal and

intelligent children who strive as I do to love you despite your attempts at

controlling, manipulating, and driving wedges between people who only seek to

love you as fully and unconditionally as we all do each other. My sons and I

want nothing more than to pull you into the circle of love, positivity and

support that we are determined to provide for each other, and we strive mightily

to overlook and forgive your many shortcomings and your constant focus on

negativity and lack. It is very difficult, but my family is determined to behave

in a manner that is consistent with how we believe family members should behave

toward each other, despite what those outside of our circle of warmth may do.

From ALL of us.'

Probably not something to send, either, but it would be tempting in this case.

> >

> > Hello,

> >

> > After my recent experience with nada rubbing my face in the fact that she's

hoovering my sons into her corner, I've decided to write her the following

letter. Mostly I'm doing it to validate her feelings and behaviors towards me

and by doing so I'm hoping to take away the power and reward she's been feeling.

I'm hoping that by seeming to give her my blessing upon her behavior will

cheapen the thrill for her.

> >

> > Feedback prior to mailing this is most welcome. Thanks. Here's the letter:

> >

> > Dear Mother,

> >

> > I know your dreams were to have a son who would appreciate you, make you

increasingly proud by exceeding all of your expectations and cause you to feel

grateful to be a mother.

> >

> > I know those dreams were destroyed when you gave birth to a left-handed

bedwetting daughter who's been nothing but a huge disappointment to you from the

start, who's never done anything right, who's never come close to meeting your

expectations. You told me many times you wished you were never born, but I know

deep down you were really saying you wished I was never born because I've done

nothing but make your life miserable. I'm sorry that I'm incompetent and

incapable of ever being the child you wanted or needed. I've finally accepted

the fact that I'll never measure up.

> >

> > It appears my sons have succeeded in doing something which I've never been

able to - bring out the best in you. May your grandsons and great-grandson

fulfill all of your long-awaited dreams and expectations, making you proud and

happy to be alive.

> >

>

September 19, 2010

Hi Karla,

I've had very limited contact with my nada over the past year and a half. I

don't call, I've been to their house 4 times at the most...and each time she

greets me with contempt, so there's no reinforcement to return.

Fada called one evening months ago asking if they could stop by. Typically they

come into my house, take the same two seats at the kitchen table, and have

NOTHING to offer to any conversation. They just want to be entertained. This

time I headed them off at the pass. I went outside and started watering my

flowers, so when they arrived they sat outside on the porch. I positioned

myself where I didn't have to make eye contact with nada and didn't even talk to

her. At one point, fada and my husband went into the garage to see my husband's

motorcycle project, leaving me and nada on the porch. I got up and moved the

hose across the yard and kept watering flowers, leaving nada sitting alone.

After the men returned, I turned off the hose and returned to the porch. They

left shortly afterwards.

It seemed to me that LC has only been serving to heighten nada's efforts to

hoover my two sons into her corner. The oldest son 28 is also married to a BP,

and between the two crazy-makers who've painted me black, he's believing their

twisted theories and has gone NC with me. I'm not even allowed to see my only

grandson. My youngest son 23 seems to be taking the BP bait as well, and nada

is reeling him in like a fish. He spends every one of his days of work with my

parents and I can only imagine the things she's telling him.

I hoped that giving her my blessing on this would have taken all the fun out of

it for nada.

But the group's consensus has been to avoid sending the letter, so I will take

the advice.

Can you or anyone else predict what course of action nada will take if I

continue avoiding her? Will she become so clingy to my sons that they'll

finally get sick of her? Will they ever realize her game? She's playing

concerned, loving, nurturing grandma and it makes me want to gag because I know

she's nothing but self-serving.

I'll try to find the poem.

Thanks,

K

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, September 19, 2010 12:04:14 AM

Subject: Re: Looking for Feedback on Letter to Nada

Love the letter! And I'm in agreement with the others here. It will bring

nothing positive/productive, and is exactly the type of thing BPs exploit to

bring you harm.

To quote a friend on this site: " the only way to win the game is not to play. "

I know it's counter-intuitive, but sending this letter is giving her a huge

victory. If you want to make a point? Ignore her completely.

And be prepared--she won't like that very much.

Having said all of that, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I can

absolutely feel and empathize with the pain here. If you have a moment, go

through some old posts (last week, I think?) and look for the poem someone was

kind enough to post. It really captures the frustration and sadness of being a

KO--never good enough, never able to win.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> Hello,

>

> After my recent experience with nada rubbing my face in the fact that she's

>hoovering my sons into her corner, I've decided to write her the following

>letter. Mostly I'm doing it to validate her feelings and behaviors towards me

>and by doing so I'm hoping to take away the power and reward she's been

feeling.

>I'm hoping that by seeming to give her my blessing upon her behavior will

>cheapen the thrill for her.

>

> Feedback prior to mailing this is most welcome. Thanks. Here's the letter:

>

> Dear Mother,

>

> I know your dreams were to have a son who would appreciate you, make you

>increasingly proud by exceeding all of your expectations and cause you to feel

>grateful to be a mother.

>

> I know those dreams were destroyed when you gave birth to a left-handed

>bedwetting daughter who's been nothing but a huge disappointment to you from

the

>start, who's never done anything right, who's never come close to meeting your

>expectations. You told me many times you wished you were never born, but I

know

>deep down you were really saying you wished I was never born because I've done

>nothing but make your life miserable. I'm sorry that I'm incompetent and

>incapable of ever being the child you wanted or needed. I've finally accepted

>the fact that I'll never measure up.

>

> It appears my sons have succeeded in doing something which I've never been

able

>to - bring out the best in you. May your grandsons and great-grandson fulfill

>all of your long-awaited dreams and expectations, making you proud and happy to

>be alive.

>

September 19, 2010

BRAVO JOE! That was very well worded! Wouldn't it be nice to say those things

to a nada!!

K

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, September 19, 2010 2:03:16 AM