Re: Commemorating six years of surviving and fighting today

September 19, 2010

Oh Hugs sweetie! Wow - what a shitty deal. . . . Eff BPD!!!!!! I hope your

brother has some peace on the other side. and as for us on this side, think

of us a soldiers fighting mental illness right here with you. Let me know if

I can help. I'm here for you.

XOXOXO Girlscout

>

> Hello friends. Today marks six years from the day I found out my brother

> took his life at the tender age of 40. It was a sunny fall Sunday just like

> today. I have shared in the past that, while my nada's illness didn't cause

> his suicide directly, it certainly contributed to his isolation during a

> time of need and his inability to survive through a major crisis in his

> life. He was also the all black child in my family from the time I can

> remember which I know contributed significantly to his life long stuggle

> with severe depression. Because of the state of things and nada, I don't

> feel like I have any way to safely commemorate my brother so I am turning

> here. This is my safe place. GirlScout - I am stealing your idea of lighting

> a candle today in remembrance and healing from this nightmare. I am now the

> all black child and I am experiencing the full wrath of nada as I know my

> oldest brother did, only he was just an innocent child when his nightmare

> began.

>

> To be honest, I fight everyday not to become my nada's next victim. I am

> hanging in there only because, as an adult, I have greater skills to

> identify what is going on and have a bag of coping tools. It has been the

> most isolating experience of my life and I want to sincerely thank all of

> you who have been here to help me through this. You are certainly not part

> of the people of whom I speak in the musing below that I wrote about last

> year at this time. This is how I feel when I face the rest of the world -

> the people who don't understand bpd and its ravaging affects.

>

> Here is what I wrote:

>

> I was always the one to ask someone how they were doing. I cared enough to

> ask the uncomfortable questions and then listen. After my brother's, suicide

> I found no one ever asked. I am that person that people just talk about and

> don't bother asking how I get through another day dealing with my mentally

> ill mother. I am the person that doesn't ever get to talk about how much I

> miss my brother or what a great guy he was or how much crap he put up with

> from my mentally ill mother. I don't get to talk about how I felt like I was

> the only one who noticed or cared that he seemed more depressed or

> withdrawn. I wonder every day if he really did leave a note and what did it

> say. But no one ever asks. I am angry that this is the way the world is. I

> am angry that this is the world I was left with. I am angry that I wasn't

> given a whole mother and father, only broken pieces. I am angry that such

> accomplished people couldn't get their heads out of their asses enough to do

> their job and raise whole children. I am angry that I have to wake up every

> day and fight this battle in my head and sometimes at my doorstep. I am

> angry that I second guess just about everything in my life because I didn't

> have real role models, only manequin parents that looked pretty from the

> view in the front window. I am angry that normal, healthy people in my life

> walked away when they saw the real deal inside my home. I am angry that she

> won't stop trying to hold my soul in her hand to possess it and yet wants to

> obliterate it at the same time. I am angry that having a mother who will

> tarnish my reputation at will leaves me trusting no one, even those who

> stand by me and lift me up. I am angry that I exhaust those who are brave

> enough to ask and stay to listen because it never goes away. I am angry,

> thanks for never asking. I won't tell.

>

> Peace and healing to you all. Best wishes in your surviving and fighting

> another day.

> xoxo

> patinage

>

September 19, 2010

Dear Patinage,

Hugs. It is hard and lonely to be a child of a broken BPD. And, yes, it is so

hard to see that almost nobody understand the hell within the home that a BPD

parent brings. I think other mental illnesses are more understandable, but BPD,

especially high functioning BPD, go 'undetected'. So, very few people know

enough to be sympathetic.

Be strong.

September 19, 2010

Patinage,

I want to reach thru this computer screen and give you a great big hug.

Such a sucky thing BPD is. How may lives it has quietly destroyed. You

have every right to be angry.

I think girlscout said it so well..we are soldiers..at battle..almost daily

sometimes.

My hope is that as time goes by maybe I will have healed/treated some of the

major wounds in my life and have acquired better coping skills....but the

battle will always be there I think.

I'm sorry sweety,

Stefanie