Re: Mother on hospice with bpd

[Guest guest]

Hi Hon,

Welcome. . . That's a super tough situation, but to tell you the truth, not

out of the ordinary for this board. We have a lot of what we call KOs (Kids

Of, or adult kids of BPDs) who have dealt with a dying parent with BPD.

I'm not one of them (yet), so I'll let them chime in - but just know that

I'm here to support you.

To tell you the truth, I was just through something similar with my

grandmother. My grandmother was very kind to me (although she didn't remove

me from my mother's abuse when I was small, so I had some,

though not exclusively,negative feelings toward her). Anyway, she was placed

on hospice care two months ago and then died a few days later.

I'll tell you how I handled it. I'm not proud but I'm also not really

ashamed. I guess I'm just " meh " about how I handled it. I have been NC for 7

years - not just with nada, but all her flying monkeys, who represent my

family, the church I grew up in, and basically the entire small town where I

was raised, the whole place thinks I'm a " sinner " and they believe the

character assasinations she has thrown my way. My dad did call me to tell me

she was in hospice, but I chose not to respond. I'll say my goodbyes in my

own way on my own time. Without a BPD audience there to try to cluster (ooh

dear, venturing into bad language territory) eff me while I try to say

goodbye to someone who helped raise me with kindness.

So that's what I did. Of course, you have to decide what's right for you in

your own situation, but we are here for ya. And I give you all the

permission within my power to put yourself first, follow your own heart, and

if that means walking away to take care of yourself or putting your energy

into a positive relationship instead, then so be it.

Hugs, Girlscout

>

>

> Hello. I have never done anything like this, so bear with me. My mother

> has had BPD all of her life and has destroyed any feelings I have for her,

> and now she is dying, and wants my support and I am at a loss of how to

> emotionally handle this. Does anyone have any advice, I am desperate. If I

> hear from her one more time " this is all about me " I'm gonna lose it.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't know but when my grandmother who is not bpd was on hospice the nurses

used to come and sit at the table and talk to us for hours. they see this kind

of stuff all the time (in fact when i went through hospice orientation they

said one of the most awkward situations they face is when people get put in

hospice and then manage somehow to get better and they are supposed to go back

home, but the family, ready to let go, doesn't really want the patient to come

back into the home...I just gave that example to underscore that they are used

to dealing with all kinds of situations). So the hospice nurses might be a

resource, they have grief counselors and stuff who work for them so you might

call them and see if you can talk to someone about processing those feelings.

>

> Hello.  I have never done anything like this, so bear with me.  My mother has

had BPD all of her life and has destroyed any feelings I have for her, and now

she is dying, and wants my support and I am at a loss of how to emotionally

handle this.  Does anyone have any advice, I am desperate.  If I hear from her

one more time " this is all about me " I'm gonna lose it.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

My best advice would be to talk to some of the social workers in those places,

they are usually pretty quick to the punch when a relative is a problem child. 

When my dad was placed in hospice the social worker pinpointed the problem

really fast and was able to work with me to keep all parties appeased without

sacrificing myself at all.  I did what I could for my dad but I had to work

still not like I had enough paid time to take time off until he died.  that's

one problemw e had was nada wanted me to give up everythign and jsut sit by his

side.  Sorry I have rent to pay.  In fact I told a coworker that when she wante

to know if I wanted their 'funeral leave' which was time unpaid time, again at

the time I was single, wasn't getting a dime from the parents and had to pay my

own way coudln't afford the 'free leave'

>

>

> Hello.  I have never done anything like this, so bear with me.  My mother

> has had BPD all of her life and has destroyed any feelings I have for her,

> and now she is dying, and wants my support and I am at a loss of how to

> emotionally handle this.  Does anyone have any advice, I am desperate.  If I

> hear from her one more time " this is all about me " I'm gonna lose it.

>

>

>