Re: bpd SIL moved out today...

August 27, 2010

You probably should call CPS, and explain the situation to them. I think

that will help you with your feelings of guilt---it was SO hard but it

really helped me when I called CPS on my father, for the sake of my 4

littlest siblings.

Will pray for those kids.

Holly

>

> There was a terrible confrontation with her today. I am unbelievably sad

> for her kids and what they are going to grow up in. Her kids are one and two

> and already split good and bad. I am devastated for the two year old, whom I

> am very close to and watch every day.

>

> I keep feeling that my mother, whom they actually lived with (I live in a

> different house on the land) may have been right about just bending over and

> taking anything she dishes out no matter what in order to keep the kids

> here. She got up and said " i'm leaving' for like the millionth time, and

> once I realized she was really going I spoke my mind to her about alot of

> things. And now I have this horrible guilt about how I should have begged

> her to stay for the sake of the kids (in fairness I did ask her before I

> started if there was anything at all I could say to make her stay...of

> course she said no because she's been threatening to leave but it was just a

> matter of time.

>

> But i just have this horrible codependency in me right now about how I

> should have been completely humble and begged her to stay. and it terrifies

> me what her kids are going to go through. I guess I would like to say if

> anyone can remember me and those kids in their prayers it would be

> appreciated. because there is really nothing anyone can do. it's done. I am

> so sad, not knowing if I did or said the wrong or right thing or if it even

> matters at all. it was just a bad day all around but now those precious kids

> are gone and they are not coming back. it's such agony.

>

August 27, 2010

Joe - I second that. It's time to call CPS and get the conversation started,

because it will take a while to get action. I take it from what you said that

your brother did NOT move out with SIL? So it's just her and the kids - since

they are just babies, they probably won't be in a school or daycare where there

are Mandatory Reporters - people who have to report suspected child abuse. Your

parents aren't going to step up to the plate, and your brother - God, who knows

what his response will be? - so that leaves you. Your report will be

confidential, and if she figures it out, so what? She's mentally unbalanced and

is demonizing her learning-disabled little boy - and the kids' living conditions

aren't likely to be any cleaner now that she's on her own with them. That gives

CPS a lot to work with, and if nothing else SIL will know she's being watched by

somebody who has the power to protect her kids.

She might move back in, she might not, your brother might follow her - no matter

what, it's time to send for help.

>

> >

> > There was a terrible confrontation with her today. I am unbelievably sad

> > for her kids and what they are going to grow up in. Her kids are one and two

> > and already split good and bad. I am devastated for the two year old, whom I

> > am very close to and watch every day.

> >

> > I keep feeling that my mother, whom they actually lived with (I live in a

> > different house on the land) may have been right about just bending over and

> > taking anything she dishes out no matter what in order to keep the kids

> > here. She got up and said " i'm leaving' for like the millionth time, and

> > once I realized she was really going I spoke my mind to her about alot of

> > things. And now I have this horrible guilt about how I should have begged

> > her to stay for the sake of the kids (in fairness I did ask her before I

> > started if there was anything at all I could say to make her stay...of

> > course she said no because she's been threatening to leave but it was just a

> > matter of time.

> >

> > But i just have this horrible codependency in me right now about how I

> > should have been completely humble and begged her to stay. and it terrifies

> > me what her kids are going to go through. I guess I would like to say if

> > anyone can remember me and those kids in their prayers it would be

> > appreciated. because there is really nothing anyone can do. it's done. I am

> > so sad, not knowing if I did or said the wrong or right thing or if it even

> > matters at all. it was just a bad day all around but now those precious kids

> > are gone and they are not coming back. it's such agony.

> >

>

August 27, 2010

Agreed. Call CPS. But another thing I think you have to do - you have to

admit to yourself that you don't have a lot of control - or responsiblity in

this situation. you can do as much as you can do to help them. But its not

your fault. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!

Hopefully we can get those kids some help. And I know they will grow up to

appreciate your efforts.

Mwah! Hugs and Support.

P.S. It's not your fault! Aren't there BPD rules somewhere - we don't

control the disease, we aren't in charge of it, and we have to surrender to

a higher power? She's their mother - all you can, document and try to get

those kids out of there. But you aren't responsible for what she does.

On Fri, Aug 27, 2010 at 7:01 AM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

> Joe - I second that. It's time to call CPS and get the conversation

> started, because it will take a while to get action. I take it from what you

> said that your brother did NOT move out with SIL? So it's just her and the

> kids - since they are just babies, they probably won't be in a school or

> daycare where there are Mandatory Reporters - people who have to report

> suspected child abuse. Your parents aren't going to step up to the plate,

> and your brother - God, who knows what his response will be? - so that

> leaves you. Your report will be confidential, and if she figures it out, so

> what? She's mentally unbalanced and is demonizing her learning-disabled

> little boy - and the kids' living conditions aren't likely to be any cleaner

> now that she's on her own with them. That gives CPS a lot to work with, and

> if nothing else SIL will know she's being watched by somebody who has the

> power to protect her kids.

>

> She might move back in, she might not, your brother might follow her - no

> matter what, it's time to send for help.

>

> >

> > >

> > > There was a terrible confrontation with her today. I am unbelievably

> sad

> > > for her kids and what they are going to grow up in. Her kids are one

> and two

> > > and already split good and bad. I am devastated for the two year old,

> whom I

> > > am very close to and watch every day.

> > >

> > > I keep feeling that my mother, whom they actually lived with (I live in

> a

> > > different house on the land) may have been right about just bending

> over and

> > > taking anything she dishes out no matter what in order to keep the kids

> > > here. She got up and said " i'm leaving' for like the millionth time,

> and

> > > once I realized she was really going I spoke my mind to her about alot

> of

> > > things. And now I have this horrible guilt about how I should have

> begged

> > > her to stay for the sake of the kids (in fairness I did ask her before

> I

> > > started if there was anything at all I could say to make her stay...of

> > > course she said no because she's been threatening to leave but it was

> just a

> > > matter of time.

> > >

> > > But i just have this horrible codependency in me right now about how I

> > > should have been completely humble and begged her to stay. and it

> terrifies

> > > me what her kids are going to go through. I guess I would like to say

> if

> > > anyone can remember me and those kids in their prayers it would be

> > > appreciated. because there is really nothing anyone can do. it's done.

> I am

> > > so sad, not knowing if I did or said the wrong or right thing or if it

> even

> > > matters at all. it was just a bad day all around but now those precious

> kids

> > > are gone and they are not coming back. it's such agony.

> > >

> >

August 27, 2010

Joe, I know this is so incredibly painful for you not only to lose 2 children

who you absolutely love, but I understand you feel they are unsafe.

For a long time I felt very angry with everybody for not standing up to my nada

and getting me out of there. They always said they were afraid of her taking off

with us kids. At least this way they could keep an eye on us even if it meant

taking her crap. And you know what, years later even through n/c we still deal

with her crap. It was an answer, but not necessarily the right/wrong answer,

this is a learn as you go thing and each situation is so unique. It's Nobody's

Fault we all do our best. Don't kick yourself.

I guess my point is, that when you are dealing with somebody so severely

unstable with BPD there is no right way, anything you do can be wrong. Don't

blame yourself. The good news is somehow we make it. Those kids will be okay,

and they will make it. You can call the CPS, but please don't kick yourself.

This is a learn as you go thing. There are no right answers. You are hurting, I

understand you are worried, but don't put this on yourself. And never

underestimate the power of a miracle, maybe she is just mad now (you know how

BPD are), but those little ones might be back soon. LB

> > >

> > > >

> > > > There was a terrible confrontation with her today. I am unbelievably

> > sad

> > > > for her kids and what they are going to grow up in. Her kids are one

> > and two

> > > > and already split good and bad. I am devastated for the two year old,

> > whom I

> > > > am very close to and watch every day.

> > > >

> > > > I keep feeling that my mother, whom they actually lived with (I live in

> > a

> > > > different house on the land) may have been right about just bending

> > over and

> > > > taking anything she dishes out no matter what in order to keep the kids

> > > > here. She got up and said " i'm leaving' for like the millionth time,

> > and

> > > > once I realized she was really going I spoke my mind to her about alot

> > of

> > > > things. And now I have this horrible guilt about how I should have

> > begged

> > > > her to stay for the sake of the kids (in fairness I did ask her before

> > I

> > > > started if there was anything at all I could say to make her stay...of

> > > > course she said no because she's been threatening to leave but it was

> > just a

> > > > matter of time.

> > > >

> > > > But i just have this horrible codependency in me right now about how I

> > > > should have been completely humble and begged her to stay. and it

> > terrifies

> > > > me what her kids are going to go through. I guess I would like to say

> > if

> > > > anyone can remember me and those kids in their prayers it would be

> > > > appreciated. because there is really nothing anyone can do. it's done.

> > I am

> > > > so sad, not knowing if I did or said the wrong or right thing or if it

> > even

> > > > matters at all. it was just a bad day all around but now those precious

> > kids

> > > > are gone and they are not coming back. it's such agony.

> > > >

> > >

August 27, 2010

Joe, Please stop feeling guilty. It isn't your fault. People

with BPD do what they're going to do. Begging them to do

otherwise usually doesn't change their determination to do

whatever it is. There's no reasoning with them. If she had

decided to go, I doubt that you could have convinced her to stay

for long.

Is it definite that the children will always be with her? What

about their father? If you have reason to believe she can't care

for them properly, which it sounds like you do, you should

report the situation to the appriate authorities. They may or

may not do anything about it, but at least they'll be aware of a

potential problem and you'll have done your best to have

something done for the kids.

At 04:20 AM 08/27/2010 Joe wrote:

>There was a terrible confrontation with her today. I am

>unbelievably sad for her kids and what they are going to grow

>up in. Her kids are one and two and already split good and bad.

>I am devastated for the two year old, whom I am very close to

>and watch every day.

>

>I keep feeling that my mother, whom they actually lived with (I

>live in a different house on the land) may have been right

>about just bending over and taking anything she dishes out no

>matter what in order to keep the kids here. She got up and said

> " i'm leaving' for like the millionth time, and once I realized

>she was really going I spoke my mind to her about alot of

>things. And now I have this horrible guilt about how I should

>have begged her to stay for the sake of the kids (in fairness I

>did ask her before I started if there was anything at all I

>could say to make her stay...of course she said no because

>she's been threatening to leave but it was just a matter of

>time.

>

>But i just have this horrible codependency in me right now

>about how I should have been completely humble and begged her

>to stay. and it terrifies me what her kids are going to go

>through. I guess I would like to say if anyone can remember me

>and those kids in their prayers it would be appreciated.

>because there is really nothing anyone can do. it's done. I am

>so sad, not knowing if I did or said the wrong or right thing

>or if it even matters at all. it was just a bad day all around

>but now those precious kids are gone and they are not coming

>back. it's such agony.

--

Katrina

August 27, 2010

Joe, I'm so so sorry to hear this. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless

when someone you love is hurt.

I'm seconding the call to CPS. I know in the case of our foster child, it took

13 investigations before she was removed.

I'm coming in late to the story, so can you tell again what your brother's role

is in all this?

Letty

> >

> > There was a terrible confrontation with her today. I am unbelievably sad for

her kids and what they are going to grow up in. Her kids are one and two and

already split good and bad. I am devastated for the two year old, whom I am very

close to and watch every day.

> >

> > I keep feeling that my mother, whom they actually lived with (I live in a

different house on the land) may have been right about just bending over and

taking anything she dishes out no matter what in order to keep the kids here.

She got up and said " i'm leaving' for like the millionth time, and once I

realized she was really going I spoke my mind to her about alot of things. And

now I have this horrible guilt about how I should have begged her to stay for

the sake of the kids (in fairness I did ask her before I started if there was

anything at all I could say to make her stay...of course she said no because

she's been threatening to leave but it was just a matter of time.

> >

> > But i just have this horrible codependency in me right now about how I

should have been completely humble and begged her to stay. and it terrifies me

what her kids are going to go through. I guess I would like to say if anyone can

remember me and those kids in their prayers it would be appreciated. because

there is really nothing anyone can do. it's done. I am so sad, not knowing if I

did or said the wrong or right thing or if it even matters at all. it was just a

bad day all around but now those precious kids are gone and they are not coming

back. it's such agony.

> >

>

August 28, 2010

I called CPS a while ago and the things she is doing don't meet the criteria for

neglect, mainly what she is doing to the two year old is psychological abuse and

emotional neglect. She hasn't left any permanent marks on him so I can't go down

the route of physical abuse.

I went today and talked to the juvenile officer at the police station and she

reiterated and just told me to stay involved with the kids.

It is below the level of abuse that CPS would step in, I get nowhere with them.

This is the special kind of torment that borderline psycho b*tch puts her kids

through with the splitting and witholding love and validation, just because the

sorry excuse for a human being that she is enjoys inflicting an emotional wound

on a two year old child.

Oh, and they came back today to stay in my parents home for the weekend. They

have probably boomeranged. It is making our lives a living hell when they are

here watching her reject the two year old and it is hell on earth to think of

what she will do when they move back home and she gets him alone.

>

> There was a terrible confrontation with her today. I am unbelievably sad for