Re: Your dad is reincarnated as our dog

September 15, 2010

Oh boy - well for starters, any comments about my breasts would equal NC for

me. That is a boundary for me. My nada used to tell me I got my big boobs

from her and I felt a, violated and b. confused. Since when has a 34 B been

big in the boob department? She is delusional. And my body is off limits to

her and her weird beliefs etc. . . I just can't have that. Can you tell I

feel violated for you? Ha ha.

Second, I'm doing the same thing with my therapist. trying to figure out

what is me and what isn't. I don't have any tips for you, but I would love

to do it together. My T mirrors me a lot, and then we go through things

about me and we decide together - so far we have found a lot of good stuff.

i just need to claim it.

I'll send you more tips if I think of them. XOXOX

Hugs, G

>

> My therapist is really wanting me to discover who I am without my mom's

> voice in my head telling me what a fat, selfish, uncaring, foolish, ugly

> slob I am. I have such a low self esteem because of what I have always been

> told about myself. For instance, what weight would I be happy at? (without

> my mom's voice telling me I need to be her anorexic size 0) It is difficult

> for me to tell?? I have never formed my own opinions on things like weight

> because it was pounded into me since I was a tiny girl that the most

> important thing was to be thin...

>

> Now, being slightly overweight causes great depression for me... But,

> realitically, I have had four boys... Of course I am going to have a stomach

> with extra skin that wont go away... My mom always laughs at my breasts...

> (I breast fed all my sons for 1 year each) and my breasts are a little saggy

> now... She makes fun and says that if I dont get implants I will need to

> start buying panty hose to use for bras...

>

> How does one build a self-esteem at the age of 31 without her NADA's voice

> constantly in her head when its been there since she was born?...

> Personally, I do not agree with all the plastic surgery my NADA goes

> through... I want to learn to be happy with what God gave me... I want to be

> happy with the saggy breasts that allowed me to breast feed my sons...

>

> Do any of you find yourselves trying to figure out who you would like to be

> or who you are (and being happy) when that is against everything youve ever

> been taught about yourself? I dont know about you but as a young child I

> thought my NADA knew it all... Dont all small children look to their parents

> for the answers? So how do you learn as an adult to throw all that rubbish

> in the can and re-create an identity for yourself? Has anyone found

> something that worked well in getting Nada's thoughts of you out of your

> head and creating a self-identity based on what makes you happy? And what

> does make me happy? I have always lived for HER happiness... NOT MINE! What

> does make me happy???? Good question...!!! I would love any thoughts!

> jen

>

September 15, 2010

thanks! sorry about the wierd title... ha ha.. I was goofing around thinking of

her craziness and I was thinking that she could have told me something like

(that title) and as a child I probably would have believed it! As for your body

being off limits for her to talk about... how did you start that and did you

just flat out tell her that was a boundary? That seems so far away for me... jen

>

> >

> > My therapist is really wanting me to discover who I am without my mom's

> > voice in my head telling me what a fat, selfish, uncaring, foolish, ugly

> > slob I am. I have such a low self esteem because of what I have always been

> > told about myself. For instance, what weight would I be happy at? (without

> > my mom's voice telling me I need to be her anorexic size 0) It is difficult

> > for me to tell?? I have never formed my own opinions on things like weight

> > because it was pounded into me since I was a tiny girl that the most

> > important thing was to be thin...

> >

> > Now, being slightly overweight causes great depression for me... But,

> > realitically, I have had four boys... Of course I am going to have a stomach

> > with extra skin that wont go away... My mom always laughs at my breasts...

> > (I breast fed all my sons for 1 year each) and my breasts are a little saggy

> > now... She makes fun and says that if I dont get implants I will need to

> > start buying panty hose to use for bras...

> >

> > How does one build a self-esteem at the age of 31 without her NADA's voice

> > constantly in her head when its been there since she was born?...

> > Personally, I do not agree with all the plastic surgery my NADA goes

> > through... I want to learn to be happy with what God gave me... I want to be

> > happy with the saggy breasts that allowed me to breast feed my sons...

> >

> > Do any of you find yourselves trying to figure out who you would like to be

> > or who you are (and being happy) when that is against everything youve ever

> > been taught about yourself? I dont know about you but as a young child I

> > thought my NADA knew it all... Dont all small children look to their parents

> > for the answers? So how do you learn as an adult to throw all that rubbish

> > in the can and re-create an identity for yourself? Has anyone found

> > something that worked well in getting Nada's thoughts of you out of your

> > head and creating a self-identity based on what makes you happy? And what

> > does make me happy? I have always lived for HER happiness... NOT MINE! What

> > does make me happy???? Good question...!!! I would love any thoughts!

> > jen

> >

>

September 15, 2010

Wow - good question. . . i don't know. I think I did tell her that, but she

didn't do what I said. I've been NC for so long now. My T says physically

I've left the situation, but mentally I'm still in it.

I think someone else on here had a great book about establishing boundaries.

Can anyone chime in? Yeah - my body is mine, she no touch! I remember the

body boundary started with her being cruel to me and then she would want to

hold me. I couldn't escape her, but I would just go rigid. Then she would

call me names but eventually I got loose of her. So that's me.

>

> thanks! sorry about the wierd title... ha ha.. I was goofing around

> thinking of her craziness and I was thinking that she could have told me

> something like (that title) and as a child I probably would have believed

> it! As for your body being off limits for her to talk about... how did you

> start that and did you just flat out tell her that was a boundary? That

> seems so far away for me... jen

>

> >

> > >

> > > My therapist is really wanting me to discover who I am without my mom's

> > > voice in my head telling me what a fat, selfish, uncaring, foolish,

> ugly

> > > slob I am. I have such a low self esteem because of what I have always

> been

> > > told about myself. For instance, what weight would I be happy at?

> (without

> > > my mom's voice telling me I need to be her anorexic size 0) It is

> difficult

> > > for me to tell?? I have never formed my own opinions on things like

> weight

> > > because it was pounded into me since I was a tiny girl that the most

> > > important thing was to be thin...

> > >

> > > Now, being slightly overweight causes great depression for me... But,

> > > realitically, I have had four boys... Of course I am going to have a

> stomach

> > > with extra skin that wont go away... My mom always laughs at my

> breasts...

> > > (I breast fed all my sons for 1 year each) and my breasts are a little

> saggy

> > > now... She makes fun and says that if I dont get implants I will need

> to

> > > start buying panty hose to use for bras...

> > >

> > > How does one build a self-esteem at the age of 31 without her NADA's

> voice

> > > constantly in her head when its been there since she was born?...

> > > Personally, I do not agree with all the plastic surgery my NADA goes

> > > through... I want to learn to be happy with what God gave me... I want

> to be

> > > happy with the saggy breasts that allowed me to breast feed my sons...

> > >

> > > Do any of you find yourselves trying to figure out who you would like

> to be

> > > or who you are (and being happy) when that is against everything youve

> ever

> > > been taught about yourself? I dont know about you but as a young child

> I

> > > thought my NADA knew it all... Dont all small children look to their

> parents

> > > for the answers? So how do you learn as an adult to throw all that

> rubbish

> > > in the can and re-create an identity for yourself? Has anyone found

> > > something that worked well in getting Nada's thoughts of you out of

> your

> > > head and creating a self-identity based on what makes you happy? And

> what

> > > does make me happy? I have always lived for HER happiness... NOT MINE!

> What

> > > does make me happy???? Good question...!!! I would love any thoughts!

> > > jen

> > >

> >

September 15, 2010

PS I liked the title.

On Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 12:15 PM, Girlscout Cowboy <

girlscout.cowboy@...> wrote:

> Wow - good question. . . i don't know. I think I did tell her that, but she

> didn't do what I said. I've been NC for so long now. My T says physically

> I've left the situation, but mentally I'm still in it.

>

> I think someone else on here had a great book about establishing

> boundaries. Can anyone chime in? Yeah - my body is mine, she no touch! I

> remember the body boundary started with her being cruel to me and then she

> would want to hold me. I couldn't escape her, but I would just go rigid.

> Then she would call me names but eventually I got loose of her. So that's

> me.

>

>>

>> thanks! sorry about the wierd title... ha ha.. I was goofing around

>> thinking of her craziness and I was thinking that she could have told me

>> something like (that title) and as a child I probably would have believed

>> it! As for your body being off limits for her to talk about... how did you

>> start that and did you just flat out tell her that was a boundary? That

>> seems so far away for me... jen

>>

>> >

>> > >

>> > > My therapist is really wanting me to discover who I am without my

>> mom's

>> > > voice in my head telling me what a fat, selfish, uncaring, foolish,

>> ugly

>> > > slob I am. I have such a low self esteem because of what I have always

>> been

>> > > told about myself. For instance, what weight would I be happy at?

>> (without

>> > > my mom's voice telling me I need to be her anorexic size 0) It is

>> difficult

>> > > for me to tell?? I have never formed my own opinions on things like

>> weight

>> > > because it was pounded into me since I was a tiny girl that the most

>> > > important thing was to be thin...

>> > >

>> > > Now, being slightly overweight causes great depression for me... But,

>> > > realitically, I have had four boys... Of course I am going to have a

>> stomach

>> > > with extra skin that wont go away... My mom always laughs at my

>> breasts...

>> > > (I breast fed all my sons for 1 year each) and my breasts are a little

>> saggy

>> > > now... She makes fun and says that if I dont get implants I will need

>> to

>> > > start buying panty hose to use for bras...

>> > >

>> > > How does one build a self-esteem at the age of 31 without her NADA's

>> voice

>> > > constantly in her head when its been there since she was born?...

>> > > Personally, I do not agree with all the plastic surgery my NADA goes

>> > > through... I want to learn to be happy with what God gave me... I want

>> to be

>> > > happy with the saggy breasts that allowed me to breast feed my sons...

>> > >

>> > > Do any of you find yourselves trying to figure out who you would like

>> to be

>> > > or who you are (and being happy) when that is against everything youve

>> ever

>> > > been taught about yourself? I dont know about you but as a young child

>> I

>> > > thought my NADA knew it all... Dont all small children look to their

>> parents

>> > > for the answers? So how do you learn as an adult to throw all that

>> rubbish

>> > > in the can and re-create an identity for yourself? Has anyone found

>> > > something that worked well in getting Nada's thoughts of you out of

>> your

>> > > head and creating a self-identity based on what makes you happy? And

>> what

>> > > does make me happy? I have always lived for HER happiness... NOT MINE!

>> What

>> > > does make me happy???? Good question...!!! I would love any thoughts!

>> > > jen

>> > >

>> >

September 15, 2010

and GirlScout -

Oh, the negative scripts...it's like digging myself out of a huge crater that's

been filled with manure. With every shovel-load I throw out, I feel happier and

lighter in spirit. It seems like any time I EVER was feeling joyful, confident,

or competent, Nada would zoom in from an unexpected angle and shoot me down in

the name of " being a friend and telling me the truth about myself " .

So - " your butt jiggles when you dance. You'll have to wear a girdle if you're

going to be a majorette. Don't wear those jeans, they make you look like a bum.

You just can't wear shorts, even if it's hot. You could be as pretty as your

best friend if you weren't so fat. Don't question or challenge the teacher, you

know nothing. Don't stand out or try to compete, you're nobody. "

And instead of hating her (not allowed!!), I hated myself.

One memory - I was full-grown, had a toddler of my own, a job, a husband, a

house - and had invited Nada for a big Christmas holiday visit at our house.

I'd pulled out all the stops. It would be the first Christmas my son was old

enough to get excited about Santa. I was feeling generous, happy, fulfilled. We

got dressed up and went to the midnight candlelight service. I was so happy,

singing carols, doing the high harmony parts, hitting all the notes, just

really, really happy. And Nada edged up to me and said, " Here, put this cough

drop in your mouth. You have bad breath. " The next thing that happened made a

world of difference. Instead of eating the cough drop and staying silent and

miserable, I just moved to a different place in the pew and kept on singing.

Screw her and her cough drops. It was at that moment I realized she had

actually stood there in church and searched for some way to kill my happiness.

That was the end of her credibility with me.

So now, after all this reading and posting and learning about what's really

wrong with her, I think of her as a pitiful, miserable, powerless old woman.

And when she starts trying to heap the manure onto my head, I just look at her

and smile, and think, " Nursing home. " Heh, heh, heh.