Re: NC and suicide threats

[Guest guest]

This is an extreme version of common BPD way of thinking -

placing all the responsibility on someone else.

If she kills herself, it will be because she chose to kill

herself not because you failed in any way. Whether you have

contact with her or not, she's going to do what she decides to

do and it won't be your responsibility. If she really wants to

kill herself, it will be her own inner demons making her feel

that way, not your actions. Don't let her make you take on that

responsibility. If you do, she'll see that what she's doing is

working and will keep using the threat of suicide while making

more and more demands of you.

My nada make a fake suicide attempt (using rum and aspirin) when

I was in high school, not long before my father kicked her out

of the house. It landed her in the local mental hospital, which

she absolutely hated. Nobody gave her the sympathy she wanted.

Instead the doctors diagnosed her as " manic " and everyone

treated her like there was something wrong with her. She never

did anything like that again.

At 10:13 AM 08/30/2010 wrote:

>Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who

>threatened suicide when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult

>with my own family I find myself worrying that if I do not try

>my hardest to be what she needs she will kill herself.... In

>Feb. of this year she (for the first time) attempted suicide...

>It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am sure

>you can guess what some of the first things she said about the

>attempt was that she moved several states to live close to me

>and I am not making her happy. So, in summary she trys to blame

>me for her suicidal desires...

>

>As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and

>fear as she would tell me that I disappointed her so much that

>she would leave the house and tell me she was going to go run

>her car head on into a semi... Pretty tough on a little one....

>I totally understand the concept of " walking on eggshells " ... I

>think this makes NC seem impossible because of what might

>happen if that is what I chose...

>

>She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets

>angry if it is suggested.

>

>Anyone else have experiences like this?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

It really underlines just how severely mentally ill your mother was (and is) for

her to emotionally blackmail her own little child like that. Since its so easy

to overpower and dominate a child's mind (particularly easy for a beloved parent

to do that) you were easily brainwashed at an early age to feel inappropriately

responsible.

Then your mother would reinforce your programming with the occasional threat to

abandon you and kill herself, but the major programming and damage to your

psyche was already accomplished.

Your mother effectively took you hostage AND made you feel responsible for being

taken.

That's called psychological torture.

This is just my opinion, but I suggest that therapy will help you undo this

inappropriate brainwashing and break the chain of guilt that your mother wrapped

around you. This was also the case with my little Sister, who felt compelled

and obligated to sacrifice all her free time to our bpd/npd mother, yet as much

as Sister gave it was never enough and our mother demanded more and more.

It took an outside Authority Figure, a psychologist, to help my little Sister

understand and accept that what she was feeling was inappropriate responsibility

for our mother's feelings. He helped her break away from that inappropriate,

misplaced guilt.

Maybe a therapist who is familiar with the kinds of abuse that

personality-disordered parents and substance-abusing inflict can help you work

yourself free of the misplaced responsibility and guilt you feel.

-Annie

>

> Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who threatened suicide

when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult with my own family I find myself

worrying that if I do not try my hardest to be what she needs she will kill

herself.... In Feb. of this year she (for the first time) attempted suicide...

It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am sure you can guess what

some of the first things she said about the attempt was that she moved several

states to live close to me and I am not making her happy. So, in summary she

trys to blame me for her suicidal desires...

>

> As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and fear as she would

tell me that I disappointed her so much that she would leave the house and tell

me she was going to go run her car head on into a semi... Pretty tough on a

little one.... I totally understand the concept of " walking on eggshells " ... I

think this makes NC seem impossible because of what might happen if that is what

I chose...

>

> She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets angry if it is

suggested.

>

> Anyone else have experiences like this?

>

[Guest guest]

My Mom does the same thing...And up until about a month ago I felt like you

that I could NEVER go NC because she would kill herself and it would be my

fault. My Mom has gotten to the point that she threatens suicide all the

time if I don't do what she says or if I argue with her or if I tell her in

any way that she was wrong. She has never really tried other then having

the pills in her hands.

Last month she got mad at me because I would not skip a graduation party to

take her to the store to buy something because she lend her car to my

brother...and she didn't want him to take her she wanted me to. I told her

this is her fault she gave her car away why should I have to cancel my party

to take her places...why can't she wait till tomorrow....she told me she was

going to set the house on fire and she was going to take pills then when she

dies she is going to haunt me.

My brother and I were so worried that night ..I know she wanted me to run

and save her to show her how much I love her...but this time I didn't..I

stayed up all night but didn't go there. The next day everyone was saying

they can't get a hold of her..I was so worried but still did nothing.

Finally I got word that a neighbor found her on the floor...I knew in my

heart she was faking..it was my first thought. Then I got the call from the

hospital and she was faking..she told them she took a bottle full of

tranquilizers..and there was nothing in her system..NOTHING..she faked

it. they sent her home. I never told her I knew she faked it..But I just

stopped calling her and word got to her that I was not going to speak to her

no more....To this day she is still alive and well.

I don't want to tell you your mother won't do it either..But know the threat

for what it is a control tactic. I personally reached a point where I could

not let someones life be my responsibility and be like a puppet doing her

will for fear she would killer herself...what kind of way for me to live is

that?

My thinking now is if she wants to hurt her self that's her problem her

choice...it has nothing to do with me.

How sad that our moms would use the love we have for them as a weapon to

manipulate us.

Stefanie

>

>

> Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who threatened suicide

> when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult with my own family I find myself

> worrying that if I do not try my hardest to be what she needs she will kill

> herself.... In Feb. of this year she (for the first time) attempted

> suicide... It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am sure you

> can guess what some of the first things she said about the attempt was that

> she moved several states to live close to me and I am not making her happy.

> So, in summary she trys to blame me for her suicidal desires...

>

> As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and fear as she

> would tell me that I disappointed her so much that she would leave the house

> and tell me she was going to go run her car head on into a semi... Pretty

> tough on a little one.... I totally understand the concept of " walking on

> eggshells " ... I think this makes NC seem impossible because of what might

> happen if that is what I chose...

>

> She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets angry if it

> is suggested.

>

> Anyone else have experiences like this?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This was one of the last straws for me before I went NC. Through my childhood,

if I " misbehaved " , nada would beat the crap out of herself saying she couldn't

hit me so she was hitting herself. She would force me to stay and watch until

she collapsed and I was able to sneak away. This turned into suicide threats in

high school every time I tried to leave home to go to dinner with my friends

etc. I was notorious for canceling on everyone because nada would throw back a

handful of sleeping pills (that fada prescribed) and I'd have to spend the rest

of the night checking on her.

I made a change in career (from one professional field to another professional

field) that nada didn't approve of, so my brother first flew out telling me nada

would kill herself if I didn't go back to my career, and " couldn't I do

something so small to save the family? " Then, my brother and nada claimed if I

didn't go back, the stress of it would kill fada, and they took out an

additional life insurance policy on him to make the point. Nada continued

threatening suicide and I finally had it. There were many other reasons, but I

went NC a few weeks ago.

Since then, nada has been harassing my best friend from college, threatening

suicide to her, and saying if she doesn't return nada's calls, she can know that

she killed her. It breaks my heart that nada has dragged in someone who isn't

used to her craziness- she is truly the most selfish human being I have ever

met.

I understand your fears completely about going NC/LC because of this, that is

certainly why I held out for so long. I finally had enough emotional blackmail,

and honestly, if nada did attempt suicide, it would get her the help she so

desperately needs.

I can never have a relationship with her. For all of the things I will never

forgive her, I will *never* forgive her for making me, as a child, be

responsible for her life. How disgustingly selfish.

[Guest guest]

My mother did this really badly. The suicide threats always loomed ahead. Even

when I wanted to do normal teenage things or normal adult thing (like get

married), she threatened suicide. It was always in my mind. She seemed to get a

lot of joy from making people worry that she would do it too. I was working for

city hall about 3 miles from home and I called probably 10 times a day to check

on her. I was living at home at the time. Finally she asked why I was calling

so much and I said I was worried she'd kill herself. She almost had laughter in

her voice when she said, " really? " No assurance she would not. No love.

Nothing.

That was how I grew up.

Re: NC and suicide threats

This is an extreme version of common BPD way of thinking -

placing all the responsibility on someone else.

If she kills herself, it will be because she chose to kill

herself not because you failed in any way. Whether you have

contact with her or not, she's going to do what she decides to

do and it won't be your responsibility. If she really wants to

kill herself, it will be her own inner demons making her feel

that way, not your actions. Don't let her make you take on that

responsibility. If you do, she'll see that what she's doing is

working and will keep using the threat of suicide while making

more and more demands of you.

My nada make a fake suicide attempt (using rum and aspirin) when

I was in high school, not long before my father kicked her out

of the house. It landed her in the local mental hospital, which

she absolutely hated. Nobody gave her the sympathy she wanted.

Instead the doctors diagnosed her as " manic " and everyone

treated her like there was something wrong with her. She never

did anything like that again.

At 10:13 AM 08/30/2010 wrote:

>Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who

>threatened suicide when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult

>with my own family I find myself worrying that if I do not try

>my hardest to be what she needs she will kill herself.... In

>Feb. of this year she (for the first time) attempted suicide...

>It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am sure

>you can guess what some of the first things she said about the

>attempt was that she moved several states to live close to me

>and I am not making her happy. So, in summary she trys to blame

>me for her suicidal desires...

>

>As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and

>fear as she would tell me that I disappointed her so much that

>she would leave the house and tell me she was going to go run

>her car head on into a semi... Pretty tough on a little one....

>I totally understand the concept of " walking on eggshells " ... I

>think this makes NC seem impossible because of what might

>happen if that is what I chose...

>

>She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets

>angry if it is suggested.

>

>Anyone else have experiences like this?

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Been there, seen that. My nada tried to commit suicide three times in her life

and each time blamed me, my father or my sister for doing it. During her last

attempt, her first words, after coming out of a three-day coma, were " I'll do

it again and it is all your fault. You girls are mean, you hate me, life is too

tough; etc. etc'. I was a very responsible 18-year-old teenager, always walking

on egg shells and trying to make her happy and proud.

You said that your nada accused you " of not making her happy " . Well, it is not

your duty or scope in life to make her happy. besides, no matter what you do,

it will never be enough in the eyes of a nada.

They use the 'attempted suicides' as a strong weapon against their families to

get attention and sympathy. What a horrible blackmailing technique! If you

disappoint me or are not able 'to make me happy' then, I'll kill myself. What a

twisted and sick behaviour!

With my nada, if she really wants to do it, I can't stop it. I've come to terms

with this fact.

I hope you will not fall in her emotional trap. They feed on FOG (Fear,

Obligation and guilt)!

>

> Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who threatened suicide

when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult with my own family I find myself

worrying that if I do not try my hardest to be what she needs she will kill

herself.... In Feb. of this year she (for the first time) attempted suicide...

It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am sure you can guess what

some of the first things she said about the attempt was that she moved several

states to live close to me and I am not making her happy. So, in summary she

trys to blame me for her suicidal desires...

>

> As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and fear as she would

tell me that I disappointed her so much that she would leave the house and tell

me she was going to go run her car head on into a semi... Pretty tough on a

little one.... I totally understand the concept of " walking on eggshells " ... I

think this makes NC seem impossible because of what might happen if that is what

I chose...

>

> She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets angry if it is

suggested.

>

> Anyone else have experiences like this?

>

[Guest guest]

That's sick! Your mother is sick!

>

>

>

> My mother did this really badly. The suicide threats always loomed ahead.

> Even when I wanted to do normal teenage things or normal adult thing (like

> get married), she threatened suicide. It was always in my mind. She seemed

> to get a lot of joy from making people worry that she would do it too. I was

> working for city hall about 3 miles from home and I called probably 10 times

> a day to check on her. I was living at home at the time. Finally she asked

> why I was calling so much and I said I was worried she'd kill herself. She

> almost had laughter in her voice when she said, " really? " No assurance she

> would not. No love. Nothing.

>

> That was how I grew up.

>

>

>

>

> Re: NC and suicide threats

>

> This is an extreme version of common BPD way of thinking -

> placing all the responsibility on someone else.

>

> If she kills herself, it will be because she chose to kill

> herself not because you failed in any way. Whether you have

> contact with her or not, she's going to do what she decides to

> do and it won't be your responsibility. If she really wants to

> kill herself, it will be her own inner demons making her feel

> that way, not your actions. Don't let her make you take on that

> responsibility. If you do, she'll see that what she's doing is

> working and will keep using the threat of suicide while making

> more and more demands of you.

>

> My nada make a fake suicide attempt (using rum and aspirin) when

> I was in high school, not long before my father kicked her out

> of the house. It landed her in the local mental hospital, which

> she absolutely hated. Nobody gave her the sympathy she wanted.

> Instead the doctors diagnosed her as " manic " and everyone

> treated her like there was something wrong with her. She never

> did anything like that again.

>

> At 10:13 AM 08/30/2010 wrote:

> >Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who

> >threatened suicide when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult

> >with my own family I find myself worrying that if I do not try

> >my hardest to be what she needs she will kill herself.... In

> >Feb. of this year she (for the first time) attempted suicide...

> >It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am sure

> >you can guess what some of the first things she said about the

> >attempt was that she moved several states to live close to me

> >and I am not making her happy. So, in summary she trys to blame

> >me for her suicidal desires...

> >

> >As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and

> >fear as she would tell me that I disappointed her so much that

> >she would leave the house and tell me she was going to go run

> >her car head on into a semi... Pretty tough on a little one....

> >I totally understand the concept of " walking on eggshells " ... I

> >think this makes NC seem impossible because of what might

> >happen if that is what I chose...

> >

> >She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets

> >angry if it is suggested.

> >

> >Anyone else have experiences like this?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

[Guest guest]

thanks everyone for your responses! I am definately not feeling like I am alone

in this! You are all so wonderful!

Jen

>

> Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who threatened suicide

when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult with my own family I find myself

worrying that if I do not try my hardest to be what she needs she will kill

herself.... In Feb. of this year she (for the first time) attempted suicide...

It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am sure you can guess what

some of the first things she said about the attempt was that she moved several

states to live close to me and I am not making her happy. So, in summary she

trys to blame me for her suicidal desires...

>

> As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and fear as she would

tell me that I disappointed her so much that she would leave the house and tell

me she was going to go run her car head on into a semi... Pretty tough on a

little one.... I totally understand the concept of " walking on eggshells " ... I

think this makes NC seem impossible because of what might happen if that is what

I chose...

>

> She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets angry if it is

suggested.

>

> Anyone else have experiences like this?

>

[Guest guest]

Wow, what a bizarre and disturbing form of emotional blackmail that behavior is:

your nada *beating herself up* to punish you. Jeez Louise! Its like a

lower-grade suicide threat but its just as shocking and traumatizing to a child,

I would think, to be forced to witness her mother harming herself that way while

being told, " This is your fault! You're making me do this! " Holy freaking cow!

I've read of some disturbed, mentally ill parents threatening to harm or even

kill other siblings or family pets if the target child does not comply (with

whatever the disturbed parent is demanding at the moment.)

This seems to be a preferred form of emotional blackmail by fathers who have

targeted one daughter for sexual attention: if the daughter refuses further

sexual contact or threatens to run away or tell, the father threatens to start

molesting one or more of her sisters, so the victim daughter is forced to

remain, to continue to accept being sexually abused, and to stay silent to

protect her younger sibs.

Truly, individuals who resort to emotional blackmail as a parenting technique

are way, way too toxic, dysfunctional and damaging to be raising children, seems

to me.

That's not parenting, that's taking hostages.

-Annie

>

> This was one of the last straws for me before I went NC. Through my childhood,

if I " misbehaved " , nada would beat the crap out of herself saying she couldn't

hit me so she was hitting herself. She would force me to stay and watch until

she collapsed and I was able to sneak away. This turned into suicide threats in

high school every time I tried to leave home to go to dinner with my friends

etc. I was notorious for canceling on everyone because nada would throw back a

handful of sleeping pills (that fada prescribed) and I'd have to spend the rest

of the night checking on her.

>

> I made a change in career (from one professional field to another professional

field) that nada didn't approve of, so my brother first flew out telling me nada

would kill herself if I didn't go back to my career, and " couldn't I do

something so small to save the family? " Then, my brother and nada claimed if I

didn't go back, the stress of it would kill fada, and they took out an

additional life insurance policy on him to make the point. Nada continued

threatening suicide and I finally had it. There were many other reasons, but I

went NC a few weeks ago.

>

> Since then, nada has been harassing my best friend from college, threatening

suicide to her, and saying if she doesn't return nada's calls, she can know that

she killed her. It breaks my heart that nada has dragged in someone who isn't

used to her craziness- she is truly the most selfish human being I have ever

met.

>

> I understand your fears completely about going NC/LC because of this, that is

certainly why I held out for so long. I finally had enough emotional blackmail,

and honestly, if nada did attempt suicide, it would get her the help she so

desperately needs.

>

> I can never have a relationship with her. For all of the things I will never

forgive her, I will *never* forgive her for making me, as a child, be

responsible for her life. How disgustingly selfish.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

This though for me to write..becouse I feel people will not belive me. But

you guys have heard it all..so here goes:

The earliest memmory I have of this is sitting on my mothers lap she would

feed me and have a butcher knife on the side between her leg and the

chair..If I didn't eat all my food and quickly she would pull out this huge

knife put it to my throat and tell me she would kill me...(And I wonder why

I'm so overweight) As I got older the knife came out for everything....I was

better behaved then my little brother he saw it alot.

I remember one incident that was so terrible for me. She wanted him to pull

his tooth out..it was his first tooth so he was afraid to pull it...she

pulled out the butcher knife..grabbed him and locked herself and my little

brother in the bathroom...I kept hearing screaming and blood curdling

screaming (I really belived she was stabbing him by the way he was

screaming) I remember jumping up and down screaming for someone to help

me..I ran to the windows and screamed to the street people to help me..no

one came. My and mother exited the bathroom mom victorious with tooth in

hand and my brother crying and bleeding fom his mouth.

Other times she would say..tell your brother to do what I say or I will stab

him..and I would beg my brother..Please ..do as she says.. and he would.

This is what worked for her.

When we got older..she turned the knife on her self if we didn't do what we

wanted she would threaten to stab herself she would bite herself over and

over again... pull out her hair...and beat herself..the pills came later.

Now she mostly threatnets to take pills or burn down the house. This

happens a least 2 times a year. It is so emotionally draining..it seems to

kill me a little bit everytime she does it.

I'm at the point (I'm sorry to say) that if she dies at least I'll be in

peace...I live with guilt whiles she is alive anyway..so whats the diffrence

if I feel guilt from her dieing

Stefanie

On Tue, Aug 31, 2010 at 11:12 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Wow, what a bizarre and disturbing form of emotional blackmail that

> behavior is: your nada *beating herself up* to punish you. Jeez Louise! Its

> like a lower-grade suicide threat but its just as shocking and traumatizing

> to a child, I would think, to be forced to witness her mother harming

> herself that way while being told, " This is your fault! You're making me do

> this! " Holy freaking cow!

>

> I've read of some disturbed, mentally ill parents threatening to harm or

> even kill other siblings or family pets if the target child does not comply

> (with whatever the disturbed parent is demanding at the moment.)

>

> This seems to be a preferred form of emotional blackmail by fathers who

> have targeted one daughter for sexual attention: if the daughter refuses

> further sexual contact or threatens to run away or tell, the father

> threatens to start molesting one or more of her sisters, so the victim

> daughter is forced to remain, to continue to accept being sexually abused,

> and to stay silent to protect her younger sibs.

>

> Truly, individuals who resort to emotional blackmail as a parenting

> technique are way, way too toxic, dysfunctional and damaging to be raising

> children, seems to me.

>

> That's not parenting, that's taking hostages.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > This was one of the last straws for me before I went NC. Through my

> childhood, if I " misbehaved " , nada would beat the crap out of herself saying

> she couldn't hit me so she was hitting herself. She would force me to stay

> and watch until she collapsed and I was able to sneak away. This turned into

> suicide threats in high school every time I tried to leave home to go to

> dinner with my friends etc. I was notorious for canceling on everyone

> because nada would throw back a handful of sleeping pills (that fada

> prescribed) and I'd have to spend the rest of the night checking on her.

> >

> > I made a change in career (from one professional field to another

> professional field) that nada didn't approve of, so my brother first flew

> out telling me nada would kill herself if I didn't go back to my career, and

> " couldn't I do something so small to save the family? " Then, my brother and

> nada claimed if I didn't go back, the stress of it would kill fada, and they

> took out an additional life insurance policy on him to make the point. Nada

> continued threatening suicide and I finally had it. There were many other

> reasons, but I went NC a few weeks ago.

> >

> > Since then, nada has been harassing my best friend from college,

> threatening suicide to her, and saying if she doesn't return nada's calls,

> she can know that she killed her. It breaks my heart that nada has dragged

> in someone who isn't used to her craziness- she is truly the most selfish

> human being I have ever met.

> >

> > I understand your fears completely about going NC/LC because of this,

> that is certainly why I held out for so long. I finally had enough emotional

> blackmail, and honestly, if nada did attempt suicide, it would get her the

> help she so desperately needs.

> >

> > I can never have a relationship with her. For all of the things I will

> never forgive her, I will *never* forgive her for making me, as a child, be

> responsible for her life. How disgustingly selfish.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

You have just described a quality that I have noticed in my nada: my mother

would say or do something horrible, nasty or mean to me, and then would be

*genuinely surprised* that it had any impact at all, that it hurt me or even

permanently scarred me.

As though slapping me hard in the face wouldn't leave a red, stinging

hand-print. As though traumatically shaming and humiliating me for having

normal sexual curiosity as a child wouldn't damage my emotional development. As

though suddenly triggering into towering, terrifying rages wouldn't make me a

nervous wreck as a child and give me PTSD symptoms that have lasted far into

adulthood.

I think that my nada lacks the capacity to *care* that she does damage to other

people: she lacks empathy. I'm pretty sure that this is due to a co-morbidity

of narcissistic pd. The lack of empathy and other things like her needing to be

the center of attention and her feeling justified in " getting back at " /getting

revenge against people who have thwarted her just scream " narcissitic pd " to me.

NPD is the only thing I can think of that explains her genuine shock and

surprise when (for example) I cried because she said to me, " You must be a

lesbian; why else would you bring your mother on a vacation with you instead of

a man. "

(In that instance, I'd asked her to come with me to make her feel better because

dad had gotten invited to go on a nice trip with his neighbor friend and nada

was upset about being left out. I guess no good deed goes unpunished. It took

me two more tries before I finally realized that my nada was incapable of just

enjoying a trip with me, even though I'd given it to her as a gift. Two more

tries it took for me to comprehend that she'd use it as an opportunity to

emotionally gut me in a leisurely, relaxed way while we were in effect trapped

together.)

I may be slow, but I do eventually catch on.

-Annie

> >Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who

> >threatened suicide when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult

> >with my own family I find myself worrying that if I do not try

> >my hardest to be what she needs she will kill herself.... In

> >Feb. of this year she (for the first time) attempted suicide...

> >It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am sure

> >you can guess what some of the first things she said about the

> >attempt was that she moved several states to live close to me

> >and I am not making her happy. So, in summary she trys to blame

> >me for her suicidal desires...

> >

> >As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and

> >fear as she would tell me that I disappointed her so much that

> >she would leave the house and tell me she was going to go run

> >her car head on into a semi... Pretty tough on a little one....

> >I totally understand the concept of " walking on eggshells " ... I

> >think this makes NC seem impossible because of what might

> >happen if that is what I chose...

> >

> >She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets

> >angry if it is suggested.

> >

> >Anyone else have experiences like this?

>

> --

> Katrina

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yay Ninera!! Go! Perfect response!!!

>

>

> Date: Wednesday, September 1, 2010, 5:17 AM

> > If someone made a suicide threat to

> > me, I think my first reaction would be to say, " I am not

> > qualified to deal with this. I want to help, but I

> > can't: I have no training at all in this area. All I

> > can do is call 911; they are trained and qualified to help

> > you. "

>

> Well, and that's the thing. We let ourselves get sucked into it for

> whatever our reasons are. I had a friend in high school who regularly

> threatened suicide and it was always big drama in our group of friends. I

> finally got to the point where I thought " Hell, *we* aren't helping her,

> maybe the school counselor can " and reported it. I lost a lot of friends,

> but that girl had some serious depression issues and she got treatment for

> them after that.

>

> It's funny, too, how just telling *some* people that you won't engage in

> the drama will alter things. I have a professional " peer " (and I put peer in

> quotations because I really think she sucks at our job and shouldn't ever be

> near children) who is definitely dealing with some sort of personality

> disorder, though I'm not sure BPD is her game. NPD, possibly. Either way,

> when she moved to my area and contacted me, other people in our profession

> from around the country gave me warnings and some stories of this woman.

> (For instance, she had friends who were going to the Grand Canyon...she

> wanted to go. The friends explained that they were going, as a married

> couple, with other married couples that she did not know and it wasn't their

> place to extend an invitation. She showed up there anyway and expected to be

> welcomed in...she was not. So then she spent hours threatening to throw

> herself off the cliff into the canyon...)

>

> Anyway, she often made " jokes " ...comments about " if this or that happens or

> continues I'll have to kill myself " I didn't find it funny AT ALL,

> considering that in the year prior I had attended THREE funerals for people

> who had committed suicide. On one occasion, she was upset with me for

> something and started heading in the " I'll kill myself " direction. I stopped

> her and said, " You need to know something. I don't take ANY comment about

> suicide as a joke or as unintentional. I will not take it lightly. I am not

> qualified to handle the situation so know this: if you tell me you are

> thinking about it, bring it up as a possibility or threat you had better

> mean it because my first and only response is going to be to call 911 and

> report it. I will turn it immediately over to the professionals who are

> trained and willing to help you. I will not take responsibility for the way

> it affects or potentially ruins your career. "

>

> She stopped bringing it up...I guess she realized that it wasn't something

> she could use to manipulate me and she wasn't willing to risk her career

> over that kind of game.

>

> It was good practice...I got to do a lot of healthy boundary drawing with

> her. It wasn't a relationship I cared much about, and it wasn't hurtful (the

> way it can be with a parent) when she withdrew from the friendship. It

> really helped me to clarify and solidify some of my feelings with regard to

> nada and to assert myself more effectively with other family members who are

> still in contact with nada.

>

> Ninera

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

On the subject of suicide....I do want to say this, when it is BPD related, I

think they're notorious for threatening and trying to manipulate people with it.

Especially mothers who do it to their children when the children are defenseless

and can do nothing but worry and become an emotional wreck. My mother did this

constantly.

With that said, there is a very high suicide rate among BPDs so at some point,

it definitely is a serious threat. And I agree, never take it lightly when

someone says that. Always, always intervene if you can.

My friend's 18 year old son has been diagnosed with BPD and he has threatened

suicide a lot. Even attempted it.

Re: Re: NC and suicide threats

Yay Ninera!! Go! Perfect response!!!

>

Date: Wednesday, September 1, 2010, 5:17 AM

> If someone made a suicide threat to

> me, I think my first reaction would be to say, " I am not

> qualified to deal with this. I want to help, but I

> can't: I have no training at all in this area. All I

> can do is call 911; they are trained and qualified to help

> you. "

Well, and that's the thing. We let ourselves get sucked into it for

whatever our reasons are. I had a friend in high school who regularly

threatened suicide and it was always big drama in our group of friends. I

finally got to the point where I thought " Hell, *we* aren't helping her,

maybe the school counselor can " and reported it. I lost a lot of friends,

but that girl had some serious depression issues and she got treatment for

them after that.

It's funny, too, how just telling *some* people that you won't engage in

the drama will alter things. I have a professional " peer " (and I put peer in

quotations because I really think she sucks at our job and shouldn't ever be

near children) who is definitely dealing with some sort of personality

disorder, though I'm not sure BPD is her game. NPD, possibly. Either way,

when she moved to my area and contacted me, other people in our profession

from around the country gave me warnings and some stories of this woman.

(For instance, she had friends who were going to the Grand Canyon...she

wanted to go. The friends explained that they were going, as a married

couple, with other married couples that she did not know and it wasn't their

place to extend an invitation. She showed up there anyway and expected to be

welcomed in...she was not. So then she spent hours threatening to throw

herself off the cliff into the canyon...)

Anyway, she often made " jokes " ...comments about " if this or that happens or

continues I'll have to kill myself " I didn't find it funny AT ALL,

considering that in the year prior I had attended THREE funerals for people

who had committed suicide. On one occasion, she was upset with me for

something and started heading in the " I'll kill myself " direction. I stopped

her and said, " You need to know something. I don't take ANY comment about

suicide as a joke or as unintentional. I will not take it lightly. I am not

qualified to handle the situation so know this: if you tell me you are

thinking about it, bring it up as a possibility or threat you had better

mean it because my first and only response is going to be to call 911 and

report it. I will turn it immediately over to the professionals who are

trained and willing to help you. I will not take responsibility for the way

it affects or potentially ruins your career. "

She stopped bringing it up...I guess she realized that it wasn't something

she could use to manipulate me and she wasn't willing to risk her career

over that kind of game.

It was good practice...I got to do a lot of healthy boundary drawing with

her. It wasn't a relationship I cared much about, and it wasn't hurtful (the

way it can be with a parent) when she withdrew from the friendship. It

really helped me to clarify and solidify some of my feelings with regard to

nada and to assert myself more effectively with other family members who are

still in contact with nada.

Ninera

Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

------------------------------------

**This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

amily Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

alking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

isa@.... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe .

ecommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Well, she didn't jump off the ferry. In fact, she's never followed through with

any of her suicide threats. I know they have a high suicide rate (and I've known

that a long time - which is why I was always worried whenever she threatened

it). If she's alone in her house and she threatens it, I do call 911, but I

don't think I should waste any more emotional energy than I already have on

that. I usually just tell her I am not qualified to help, and to please call 911

or a suicide hotline. I even have one in my phone I give her. If she's going to

do it, she's going to do it. She refuses any professional help, and I've already

learned there isn't anything I can do to help her.

She's an expert at being miserable.

(if it was my KID, I think it might be different. But I'm not going to be my

nada's mother anymore. I lived in terror of her killing herself my whole

childhood, and it was always just a way of making me feel guilty or doing what

she wanted. I just refuse to live in fear as an adult because of her. I will end

up killing MYSELF if I do that.)

Casey

> >

>

> Date: Wednesday, September 1, 2010, 5:17 AM

> > If someone made a suicide threat to

> > me, I think my first reaction would be to say, " I am not

> > qualified to deal with this. I want to help, but I

> > can't: I have no training at all in this area. All I

> > can do is call 911; they are trained and qualified to help

> > you. "

>

> Well, and that's the thing. We let ourselves get sucked into it for

> whatever our reasons are. I had a friend in high school who regularly

> threatened suicide and it was always big drama in our group of friends. I

> finally got to the point where I thought " Hell, *we* aren't helping her,

> maybe the school counselor can " and reported it. I lost a lot of friends,

> but that girl had some serious depression issues and she got treatment for

> them after that.

>

> It's funny, too, how just telling *some* people that you won't engage in

> the drama will alter things. I have a professional " peer " (and I put peer in

> quotations because I really think she sucks at our job and shouldn't ever be

> near children) who is definitely dealing with some sort of personality

> disorder, though I'm not sure BPD is her game. NPD, possibly. Either way,

> when she moved to my area and contacted me, other people in our profession

> from around the country gave me warnings and some stories of this woman.

> (For instance, she had friends who were going to the Grand Canyon...she

> wanted to go. The friends explained that they were going, as a married

> couple, with other married couples that she did not know and it wasn't their

> place to extend an invitation. She showed up there anyway and expected to be

> welcomed in...she was not. So then she spent hours threatening to throw

> herself off the cliff into the canyon...)

>

> Anyway, she often made " jokes " ...comments about " if this or that happens or

> continues I'll have to kill myself " I didn't find it funny AT ALL,

> considering that in the year prior I had attended THREE funerals for people

> who had committed suicide. On one occasion, she was upset with me for

> something and started heading in the " I'll kill myself " direction. I stopped

> her and said, " You need to know something. I don't take ANY comment about

> suicide as a joke or as unintentional. I will not take it lightly. I am not

> qualified to handle the situation so know this: if you tell me you are

> thinking about it, bring it up as a possibility or threat you had better

> mean it because my first and only response is going to be to call 911 and

> report it. I will turn it immediately over to the professionals who are

> trained and willing to help you. I will not take responsibility for the way

> it affects or potentially ruins your career. "

>

> She stopped bringing it up...I guess she realized that it wasn't something

> she could use to manipulate me and she wasn't willing to risk her career

> over that kind of game.

>

> It was good practice...I got to do a lot of healthy boundary drawing with

> her. It wasn't a relationship I cared much about, and it wasn't hurtful (the

> way it can be with a parent) when she withdrew from the friendship. It

> really helped me to clarify and solidify some of my feelings with regard to

> nada and to assert myself more effectively with other family members who are

> still in contact with nada.

>

> Ninera

>

>

>

>

> Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

> ------------------------------------

> **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The Essential

> amily Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

> alking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

> isa@... DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

>

> ecommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

> Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)

[Guest guest]

Haha, most things she says are more like something a little kid would say. I

usually pretend I'm talking to a little kid when I talk to her.

And she didn't even come close to jumping off the ferry. Instead she cut herself

all up with toothpicks she had in the car so she could tell my brother he made

her hurt herself. If she actually killed herself, she wouldn't get to know the

pain she put people through, so just threatening it works better for her.

Casey

> > > > >

> > > > > Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who threatened

> > suicide when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult with my own family I

> > find myself worrying that if I do not try my hardest to be what she needs

> > she will kill herself.... In Feb. of this year she (for the first time)

> > attempted suicide... It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as I am

> > sure you can guess what some of the first things she said about the attempt

> > was that she moved several states to live close to me and I am not making

> > her happy. So, in summary she trys to blame me for her suicidal desires...

> > > > >

> > > > > As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and fear as

> > she would tell me that I disappointed her so much that she would leave the

> > house and tell me she was going to go run her car head on into a semi...

> > Pretty tough on a little one.... I totally understand the concept of

> > " walking on eggshells " ... I think this makes NC seem impossible because of

> > what might happen if that is what I chose...

> > > > >

> > > > > She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets angry

> > if it is suggested.

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyone else have experiences like this?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The thing that always gets me about BPDs, is where is the dignity? Cutting

yourself with a toothpick? I would be so embarrassed. . . . I haven't

figured out that part yet.

On Wed, Sep 1, 2010 at 1:46 PM, slingshot2hell wrote:

>

>

> Haha, most things she says are more like something a little kid would say.

> I usually pretend I'm talking to a little kid when I talk to her.

>

> And she didn't even come close to jumping off the ferry. Instead she cut

> herself all up with toothpicks she had in the car so she could tell my

> brother he made her hurt herself. If she actually killed herself, she

> wouldn't get to know the pain she put people through, so just threatening it

> works better for her.

>

> Casey

>

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Just a topic for discussion... My mom was always one who

> threatened

> > > suicide when I " disappointed " her. Even as an adult with my own family

> I

> > > find myself worrying that if I do not try my hardest to be what she

> needs

> > > she will kill herself.... In Feb. of this year she (for the first time)

> > > attempted suicide... It was a poor attempt but still an attempt. And as

> I am

> > > sure you can guess what some of the first things she said about the

> attempt

> > > was that she moved several states to live close to me and I am not

> making

> > > her happy. So, in summary she trys to blame me for her suicidal

> desires...

> > > > > >

> > > > > > As a child I remember sitting at home in complete shock and fear

> as

> > > she would tell me that I disappointed her so much that she would leave

> the

> > > house and tell me she was going to go run her car head on into a

> semi...

> > > Pretty tough on a little one.... I totally understand the concept of

> > > " walking on eggshells " ... I think this makes NC seem impossible because

> of

> > > what might happen if that is what I chose...

> > > > > >

> > > > > > She also refuses any sort of help (counseling...etc) and gets

> angry

> > > if it is suggested.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Anyone else have experiences like this?

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

....Wow!... I don't know what to say. That kind of behavior is beyond my

ability to absorb; its like my synapses are frying. I'm so sorry you're having

to experience such unremittingly destructive and self-destructive behavior from

your mother. Holy cow.

-Annie

> > > >

> > >

> > > Date: Wednesday, September 1, 2010, 5:17 AM

> > > > If someone made a suicide threat to

> > > > me, I think my first reaction would be to say, " I am not

> > > > qualified to deal with this. I want to help, but I

> > > > can't: I have no training at all in this area. All I

> > > > can do is call 911; they are trained and qualified to help

> > > > you. "

> > >

> > > Well, and that's the thing. We let ourselves get sucked into it for

> > > whatever our reasons are. I had a friend in high school who regularly

> > > threatened suicide and it was always big drama in our group of friends. I

> > > finally got to the point where I thought " Hell, *we* aren't helping her,

> > > maybe the school counselor can " and reported it. I lost a lot of friends,

> > > but that girl had some serious depression issues and she got treatment

for

> > > them after that.

> > >

> > > It's funny, too, how just telling *some* people that you won't engage in

> > > the drama will alter things. I have a professional " peer " (and I put peer

in

> > > quotations because I really think she sucks at our job and shouldn't ever

be

> > > near children) who is definitely dealing with some sort of personality

> > > disorder, though I'm not sure BPD is her game. NPD, possibly. Either way,

> > > when she moved to my area and contacted me, other people in our

profession

> > > from around the country gave me warnings and some stories of this woman.

> > > (For instance, she had friends who were going to the Grand Canyon...she

> > > wanted to go. The friends explained that they were going, as a married

> > > couple, with other married couples that she did not know and it wasn't

their

> > > place to extend an invitation. She showed up there anyway and expected to

be

> > > welcomed in...she was not. So then she spent hours threatening to throw

> > > herself off the cliff into the canyon...)

> > >

> > > Anyway, she often made " jokes " ...comments about " if this or that happens

or

> > > continues I'll have to kill myself " I didn't find it funny AT ALL,

> > > considering that in the year prior I had attended THREE funerals for

people

> > > who had committed suicide. On one occasion, she was upset with me for

> > > something and started heading in the " I'll kill myself " direction. I

stopped

> > > her and said, " You need to know something. I don't take ANY comment about

> > > suicide as a joke or as unintentional. I will not take it lightly. I am

not

> > > qualified to handle the situation so know this: if you tell me you are

> > > thinking about it, bring it up as a possibility or threat you had better

> > > mean it because my first and only response is going to be to call 911 and

> > > report it. I will turn it immediately over to the professionals who are

> > > trained and willing to help you. I will not take responsibility for the

way

> > > it affects or potentially ruins your career. "

> > >

> > > She stopped bringing it up...I guess she realized that it wasn't

something

> > > she could use to manipulate me and she wasn't willing to risk her career

> > > over that kind of game.

> > >

> > > It was good practice...I got to do a lot of healthy boundary drawing with

> > > her. It wasn't a relationship I cared much about, and it wasn't hurtful

(the

> > > way it can be with a parent) when she withdrew from the friendship. It

> > > really helped me to clarify and solidify some of my feelings with regard

to

> > > nada and to assert myself more effectively with other family members who

are

> > > still in contact with nada.

> > >

> > > Ninera

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> > >

> > > ------------------------------------

> > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new book The

Essential

> > > amily Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop

> > > alking on Eggshells, available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write

> > > isa@ DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe

> > >

> > > ecommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline Parent, " and

> > > Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to find)