Re: Caught in the middle

[Guest guest]

Thank you all who replied. I've been avoiding the forum for a few days because

I've been feeling edgy and tired.

In my head I know we deserve some time to ourselves and we do get it but not in

big chunks. Just a few hours here and there, maybe a full day to do whatever we

want. My husband is capable of taking a trip on his own (someone mentioned this

idea) but that's not what he wants. We enjoy each others company and we want to

make memories together, not apart. We have enough activities we do on our own.

But we want to do some special things like travel together. He may end up going

to Peru for a couple weeks to help with a medical group. I can't go there

because of the altitude. Otherwise we want to see some things before we're too

old.

Does my nada need us every week? Maybe not. Right now we've hit a good balance

so we don't have to deal with the middle of the night meltdowns she has when

she's alone too long. It may be fake meltdowns but it still disrupts our life.

We are planning some small trips this summer, 3-4 day type trips. It's a start.

Our kids are willing to be available to her if there's a problem. One time we

took a trip (very short) and the kids tried to call her each day. She wouldn't

answer the phone even though she knew it was them. Said she was " too busy. "

That's pretty snotty and rude but what else is new?

Yesterday we had set up a surprise: our daughter and her new baby would meet us

at Taco Bell for lunch. My nada was surprised but spent no more than 2 minutes

commenting on her first great grandchild. Then it was comments like " You know I

wanted you to have a girl. " and " He sure does frown a lot. " The baby was

excellent, not one fussy moment and he was adorable. But she just wanted to talk

about herself. It just reminds me what a ***** she can be. We did our duty. She

won't be able to complain to the neighbors that she's never seen her great

grandson. She has no interest in him but she would still complain.

One more little story and then I'll shut up. As I said, I've been feeling edgy.

Yesterday I went over, took the instructions for her cataract surgery scheduled

for this Thursday. She started her antibiotic eye drops yesterday too. But she

refused to take them unless I was there the first time. She was convinced she

was going to have some horrible reaction and I'd have to call for an ambulance.

Then getting ready to do the drops took about 10 minutes as she shuffled from

one place to another washing her hands, getting a tissue, where should she sit,

how about a light, oops - touched the light switch, have to wash hands again. On

and on it went. Of course I finally got the drop in and nothing happened.

Imagine how much fun the day of surgery will be.

Life will go on. I'll tune her out the best I can. Someone asked how do I feel

when she gets angry with me. Guilty? No, not really because I think I'm doing

the best I can. It just makes me angry that she's being so demanding and cruel

and unreasonable.

Again, thank you for the feedback. Time to put on my big girl panties and deal

with it. :-) I'm making the choice to stay involved with her so I'll have to

cope with the consequences.

[Guest guest]

it's amazing to me how so much of what people do when dealing with these nadas

is so similar to dealing with toddlers. I have 2 nephews and nieces who are all

in the 1-3 range and that is EXACTLY how I have to deal with them sometimes,

mostly the 2 year old little boy. He has sensory issues and actually the more

stimulation you put into him (explaining, reasoning, etc) the more stressed out

he gets and the more likely he is to have a meltdown.

> >Here's the deal: I'm still involved with my nada, 1-2 days a

> >week. She's 81, alone since my Dad died almost 2 years ago, no

> >friends, etc. She's her usual manipulative self, drama mama,

> >hot/cold emotionally. You know the drill. But I do what I can

> >to help and then back away.

> >

> >But my husband has retired, still works a few days a week to

> >stay occupied and gradually learning to find some interests. He

> >also suffers from life long depression. Has done everything he

> >can over the years to learn to cope with it. Apparently this is

> >as good as it will ever be.

> >

> >He's wanting to break away and do some travel. It sounds great

> >but I feel trapped. My Mom keeps telling us, " Oh when I'm gone,

> >you'll have all this money and you can do all those trips you

> >want to do and buy the house of your dreams. " She says she's

> >got all these health problems. Her doctors keep telling her

> >she's in great shape. Well, crud - if she lives for another 10

> >years, we'll be too old to travel to Scotland or Austria or go

> >camping. We don't want to wait for " some day. "

> >

> >So I'm struggling with her, like she's some velcro monkey stuck

> >to my back that I can't reach and pull off. My husband is

> >gradually melting down like an earthworm on hot pavement. And

> >it's up to me to balance it all. Is there any tactful way to

> >just walk away from nada, have a life of my own, help my

> >husband experience some of his dreams? Or do I just tell her

> > " deal with it " and do what I want? I'm not good with conflict.

> >Makes me physically ill and sets off my heart (that's a

> >different issue).

> >

>

> --

> Katrina

>