Guest guest Posted September 10, 2010 Report Share Posted September 10, 2010 Wow,Deanna,I second Karla in saying this poem is awesome and powerful.You've got real talent--your choice of words really packs a punch. " the air glutted with rage " is such a true and beautiful line. The entire cadence of this poem perfectly expresses the pain of having a nada.Well done! > > It's a rough draft. I'm sure many of you can relate to this. > > Deanna > > > > i should have tried harder > > i should have tried harder > to be a good daughter > to not make her angry > to swallow her rage > to look in her eyes > as her fingers dug in me > face full of disgust > i should have tried harder > > i should have tried harder > to love my mother, no matter > that her gaze was not tender > that her touch made me cringe > i should have tried harder > > i should have stayed longer > when she needed an ear > as she bemoaned my brother > my father > my aunt > the air glutted with rage > i should have stayed longer > > i should have stayed longer > when she demanded an hour > a day on the phone > when she laughed at my problems > yet wailed we weren't close > i should have stayed longer > > i should have been stronger > than to hang up on her > and never call back > should have crawled inside deeper > and keep me intact > i should have been stronger > > i should have healed faster > for $110 an hour > my father's hand trembles > he can't remember my name > i should have healed faster > > i should have tried harder > to be a good daughter > to be what she wanted, > not what she sowed > i tried to be stronger but > i should have tried harder > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2010 Report Share Posted September 10, 2010 Wow. Very powerful and real. > > > > > > It's a rough draft. I'm sure many of you can relate to this. > > > > > > Deanna > > > > > > > > > > > > i should have tried harder > > > > > > i should have tried harder > > > to be a good daughter > > > to not make her angry > > > to swallow her rage > > > to look in her eyes > > > as her fingers dug in me > > > face full of disgust > > > i should have tried harder > > > > > > i should have tried harder > > > to love my mother, no matter > > > that her gaze was not tender > > > that her touch made me cringe > > > i should have tried harder > > > > > > i should have stayed longer > > > when she needed an ear > > > as she bemoaned my brother > > > my father > > > my aunt > > > the air glutted with rage > > > i should have stayed longer > > > > > > i should have stayed longer > > > when she demanded an hour > > > a day on the phone > > > when she laughed at my problems > > > yet wailed we weren't close > > > i should have stayed longer > > > > > > i should have been stronger > > > than to hang up on her > > > and never call back > > > should have crawled inside deeper > > > and keep me intact > > > i should have been stronger > > > > > > i should have healed faster > > > for $110 an hour > > > my father's hand trembles > > > he can't remember my name > > > i should have healed faster > > > > > > i should have tried harder > > > to be a good daughter > > > to be what she wanted, > > > not what she sowed > > > i tried to be stronger but > > > i should have tried harder > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 10, 2010 Report Share Posted September 10, 2010 That's very kind of you Casey. Thank you! Deanna > > > > It's a rough draft. I'm sure many of you can relate to this. > > > > Deanna > > > > > > > > i should have tried harder > > > > i should have tried harder > > to be a good daughter > > to not make her angry > > to swallow her rage > > to look in her eyes > > as her fingers dug in me > > face full of disgust > > i should have tried harder > > > > i should have tried harder > > to love my mother, no matter > > that her gaze was not tender > > that her touch made me cringe > > i should have tried harder > > > > i should have stayed longer > > when she needed an ear > > as she bemoaned my brother > > my father > > my aunt > > the air glutted with rage > > i should have stayed longer > > > > i should have stayed longer > > when she demanded an hour > > a day on the phone > > when she laughed at my problems > > yet wailed we weren't close > > i should have stayed longer > > > > i should have been stronger > > than to hang up on her > > and never call back > > should have crawled inside deeper > > and keep me intact > > i should have been stronger > > > > i should have healed faster > > for $110 an hour > > my father's hand trembles > > he can't remember my name > > i should have healed faster > > > > i should have tried harder > > to be a good daughter > > to be what she wanted, > > not what she sowed > > i tried to be stronger but > > i should have tried harder > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 11, 2010 Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 I know about the " nothing is good enough " attitude from all the criticism I got while growing up. But your comment about a birthday struck me. Last week was my nada's birthday. I went over early to help her run errands. Husband took off work around noon and met us at her house. We took her out to lunch (we paid) at Olive Garden, I got her a nice card and gift plus a hand made gift certificate for something she wanted made, I would make it. Two days ago she told me that her neighbor came over in the late afternoon with a bag. Turns out she brought over a bag of pastries for her birthday. She asked my nada if she did anything for her birthday and she said no, she just stayed home. Can you believe that? Either she's flat out lying or she's going senile. No wonder the neighbor brings up elder abuse all the time. > > The poem was powerful! yes it a catch-22 which makes it so difficult to deal with- comprehend and survive it all. > > Funny you said nothing we EVER do is enough- I am planning a day with nada to celebrate her bday- and I was thinking how something won't be right or it won't be enough- but that is the way it is. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 11, 2010 Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 ,I agree--Deanna's poem really gets to the essence of that tragic Catch 22: I should have tried harder/I should have been stronger...I can hear those lines in my head like the refrain from " The Little Engine That Could " : I think I can,I think I can...and it's SO twisted and so tragic. Because that is what we were lead by our nadas to need to believe although of course we never,ever could.Depleting essential vital energy in the impossible hope of satisfying someone who could never,would never,be satified.Kind of like spinning our wheels in the rut of someone else's fantasy--but that someone was a mother who was meant to nourish us with dreams of our possibilities not devour us whole with her own delusions and burden us with futility. It's funny you mentioned being enough to ourselves--that's been much on my mind lately.I agree with you too that it is the path to healing.Being enough to ourselves,for we do actually *have* a self which tragically (that word again) for them and for us our nadas never did have...Having a nada is nothing less than a tragedy but a self can still be salvaged from that wreckage.For our own sakes this time > > , this poem is powerful and sad and it speaks so much to the > Catch-22 of being raised in a household where nothing we do is ever > enough. > > The path to healing is to be enough, to ourselves. May we all find > our ways to heal. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 11, 2010 Report Share Posted September 11, 2010 Its hard to figure out if your nada is saying such things is due to dementia (she genuinely does not remember you and your husband celebrating her birthday with her) or due to manipulation. If its manipulation, she does indeed remember you and your husband taking her out for her birthday, but, Oh Boy! here is an opportunity to wring some attention and sympathy from a kindly neighbor, and she'll take that opportunity. Perhaps in nada's mind, just being taken out to dinner by you two " doesn't count " because it wasn't a big, splashy party with her friends surrounding her and herself in the spotlight, getting lots of attention and presents. You're right to be concerned, I think. It sounds to me that when your nada becomes pissed off at you she makes false claims of elder abuse or neglect in order to " get you back " . That is one reason I'm determined to never be alone with my nada again, ever. I think she is fully capable of pulling such a stunt in order to " get me back " for going virtually no contact with her. -Annie > > > > The poem was powerful! yes it a catch-22 which makes it so difficult to deal with- comprehend and survive it all. > > > > Funny you said nothing we EVER do is enough- I am planning a day with nada to celebrate her bday- and I was thinking how something won't be right or it won't be enough- but that is the way it is. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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