Re: Birthday present (check)

[Guest guest]

Are you NC? If you are, returning it would be a form of contact and

would reinforce her because she elicited a response from you, got your goat

so to speak (Randi sent something out about that the other day.)

I'm concerned because I think you are giving Nada your power in this

situation. Its your daughter, your life, your phone - if you want to answer

her call you can and if you don't want to, you don't have to.

For myself, if they send me an unwanted check and want to balance their

checkbook, that's just too damn bad. Or you can take the call and tell her

you ripped up the check. Or just ignore the call.

On Fri, Aug 20, 2010 at 6:36 PM, shirleyspawn wrote:

>

>

> If you take your daughter and her birth certificate to the bank, perhaps

> you can set up a savings account in her name, with you as the custodial

> adult (my teen son has one). You can deposit the check in her account, and

> if it clears, great. If not, no loss. Write a formal thank you note

> acknowledging the gift, and say it will be saved for college. No further

> invitation or contact is necessary.

>

> If your mother has a fit and demands the return of the money, just write

> her a check from your account. You've still got the 50 bucks in your

> daughter's account, so you're not really out anything (but make sure her

> check clears before you reimburse Nada.)

>

> We opened my son's account to handle just this kind of birthday checks. Now

> that he's old enough to earn a few dollars mowing lawns, he does his own

> banking. I still have to " be there " when he makes a withdrawal, but he can

> deposit his own money. (Money going in is no problem - it's just the money

> coming out of the bank that has to have a parent's signature.)

>

>

>

>

> >

> > DD will be 2 in 2 days. I do not want to cash it but at the same time

> > sending it back will start WW3. If I just tear it up she will start

> calling

> > demanding to know if it's cashed so she can manage her bank account. I

> > realize that this is a no win situation. Hubby's bank also said that we

> > probably cannot cash it. Due to new rules they cannot if it is in her

> name

> > only.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

My suggestion is to just ignore the check. Don't deposit it. You don't need to

contact nada about it: nada's bank will let her know that the check was never

deposited and she still has that money. Its an attempt at contact. Don't play

the game: don't get sucked back into the game by by cashing the check or

contacting her. Its a " hoover " attempt. Any response at all on your part is a

" win " for nada. Just ignore it.

Just my two cents.

-Annie

>

> Hello,

>

> I have a whole new dilemma I just cannot decide on. Today a birthday card

> arrived for my older daughter whose birthday is on Sunday. There was no

> return address. When I opened it it was from nada (who has NC with my

> children and I). There is a fifty dollar check made out to DD. I have no

> idea what I should do. I never thought nada would mail a gift due to her

> insistence on seeing people receive gifts from her. We have decided how to

> handle it if she shows up but not this. First of all, I don't even think

> the check can be cashed. How would I convince the bank to cash a check in

> someone else's name? DD can't confirm who she is. If I keep it and

> cannot(or choose not) cash it I am leaving her bank account with a check out

> but not cleared(perfect reason for her to try and contact us-to ask about

> it). If I send it back she will probably fly off the handle(how dare I not

> give that money to DD, it's hers ect) and try to make contact/show

> up/possible use it as evidence that DD is being " mistreated " ). Part of me

> feels that it is DD's and I should not keep it from her but I know it will

> be very confusing for her when she gets old enough to understand why she

> gets gifts from grandma but cannot see her. I would not want to lie to her

> because if nada shows up or sneaks contact with DD then I will be the " bad

> guy " . Help.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think no matter what you do - cash it, return it, rip it up, sit on it for

awhile - it is nada's way of making contact and putting you in a no win

situation. I have done all of these things with checks over the last 6 years

and it doesn't make any differences so I have settled in on placing the check in

the kids' accounts for safe keeping. However, if nada has been poorly behaved,

I tend to sit on it for a couple months or even a year...(not my proudest moment

but one year I cashed my bday check from the previous year when she sent me a

check for the current birthday - just to mess with her. I was amused anyway)

I suppose I am interacting with her but I figure I can at least put the money

toward something positive for the kids.

patinage

>

> Hello,

>

> I have a whole new dilemma I just cannot decide on. Today a birthday card

> arrived for my older daughter whose birthday is on Sunday. There was no

> return address. When I opened it it was from nada (who has NC with my

> children and I). There is a fifty dollar check made out to DD. I have no

> idea what I should do. I never thought nada would mail a gift due to her

> insistence on seeing people receive gifts from her. We have decided how to

> handle it if she shows up but not this. First of all, I don't even think

> the check can be cashed. How would I convince the bank to cash a check in

> someone else's name? DD can't confirm who she is. If I keep it and

> cannot(or choose not) cash it I am leaving her bank account with a check out

> but not cleared(perfect reason for her to try and contact us-to ask about

> it). If I send it back she will probably fly off the handle(how dare I not

> give that money to DD, it's hers ect) and try to make contact/show

> up/possible use it as evidence that DD is being " mistreated " ). Part of me

> feels that it is DD's and I should not keep it from her but I know it will

> be very confusing for her when she gets old enough to understand why she

> gets gifts from grandma but cannot see her. I would not want to lie to her

> because if nada shows up or sneaks contact with DD then I will be the " bad

> guy " . Help.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have never accepted any gifts, but then again my nada has not tried to hard to

give any gifts to my children, mostly to me I think she sees me as the

gatekeeper. She once gave my kids some little monsters (not age appropriate) and

they were afraid so I gave them to goodwill. She did write my oldest child a

letter when he was 2. I saved it for him, but I didn't feel it was appropriate

to give it to him at his age (or ever) but it's his so I will give it to him

maybe later in his life when I feel he is old enough. If he wants it….

My KO friend is going through a really tough situation right now. Her nada

falsely accused her husband of doing bad things. Since then she is playing the

role of victim nada and sending hoards of gifts to the whole family. My friend

is choosing to do a " return to sender " and frankly I don't blame her one bit.

It's all a matter of using your own judgment.

My other KO friend moved far away and her nada was always sending her

unrealistically heavy items she would in no way be able to move (she was moving

often). So she gave them away.

I am not sure if this helps you at all. But I just did my best to use my own

judgment. And each case is so personal, it varies from keeping it, to giving it

away; to shoving it back in their face….

LB

>

> Hello,

>

> I have a whole new dilemma I just cannot decide on. Today a birthday card

> arrived for my older daughter whose birthday is on Sunday. There was no

> return address. When I opened it it was from nada (who has NC with my

> children and I). There is a fifty dollar check made out to DD. I have no

> idea what I should do. I never thought nada would mail a gift due to her

> insistence on seeing people receive gifts from her. We have decided how to

> handle it if she shows up but not this. First of all, I don't even think

> the check can be cashed. How would I convince the bank to cash a check in

> someone else's name? DD can't confirm who she is. If I keep it and

> cannot(or choose not) cash it I am leaving her bank account with a check out

> but not cleared(perfect reason for her to try and contact us-to ask about

> it). If I send it back she will probably fly off the handle(how dare I not

> give that money to DD, it's hers ect) and try to make contact/show

> up/possible use it as evidence that DD is being " mistreated " ). Part of me

> feels that it is DD's and I should not keep it from her but I know it will

> be very confusing for her when she gets old enough to understand why she

> gets gifts from grandma but cannot see her. I would not want to lie to her

> because if nada shows up or sneaks contact with DD then I will be the " bad

> guy " . Help.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

it will be dead in six months anyway so you could just let it go until then and

throw it away. of course, you can dust it for fingerprints in case you ever need

a match (just kidding, lol). I really don't know but I think that cashing it or

whatever is a hoovering thing, it sounds like she's trying to reel you back in,

knows you can't cash it, and just wants to make a point.

>

> DD will be 2 in 2 days. I do not want to cash it but at the same time

> sending it back will start WW3. If I just tear it up she will start calling

> demanding to know if it's cashed so she can manage her bank account. I

> realize that this is a no win situation. Hubby's bank also said that we

> probably cannot cash it. Due to new rules they cannot if it is in her name

> only.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

knows you can't cash it, and just wants to make a point

That's exactly some of what went through my mind. Nada has a long history

of writing bad checks but then covering them just in time to aviod being

arrested. She knows everything about check writing so I can't imagine she

didn't know that. The point she would be making is that she will not trust

DH or I with money that is meant for DD, hence, not putting one of our names

on the check. Funny because I would never take money from the kids but she

counted on her kids to bail her out plenty.

[Guest guest]

If you send it back, it will not be you that started WW3, she started this by

doing something inappropriate because of the situation and because she did not

clear it with you first...it is like a downpayment she would perceive as giving

her power over DD at a later date. Send it back to her bank if there is no

return address on it and let them deal with it...

>

> DD will be 2 in 2 days. I do not want to cash it but at the same time

> sending it back will start WW3. If I just tear it up she will start calling

> demanding to know if it's cashed so she can manage her bank account. I

> realize that this is a no win situation. Hubby's bank also said that we

> probably cannot cash it. Due to new rules they cannot if it is in her name

> only.

>

>

>

>

>