Re: some things are difficult to hear

[Guest guest]

yes!  i do this too, a lot of the time.. my thinking towards others in the

present is skewed towards their actions, in my mind being the same as my nadas

were.. yet my nada is long since passed in real life that these people in my

present are really nothing like her (they are not crazy for the most part).. so

i get help with this by bringing it up in counseling (my counselor waits for me

to speak about it first , when i am ready)and she supports my new awareness of

what is happening in me.. and she totally accepts me at  the same time.. and in

this way teaches me to accept myself, fleas like this and all.. and when i do

become aware and then accept it in myself as a part of me, it is possible for me

to let go.. i dont really understand it all, it's a mystery to me, but this is

how change happens for me.. i am so grateful for this post and my own hard work

and my help from my counselor.. it has made such a difference in my life!

 thanks again for

sharing.ann

Subject: some things are difficult to hear

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Wednesday, September 15, 2010, 10:36 AM

 

I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd better

than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells me what I

need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and thoughts

(which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same terrible

thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt and we went

through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she says that those

of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted reality... therefor, we

have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can not eat in front of people

I do not know without experiencing great anxiety. When I was growing up my mom

would always point out overweight people who were eating ice cream..etc and tell

me that they were disgusting slobs and she would say really cruel things like,

" I dont get it, look at that fat slob sitting there feeding her face, if you

look that disgusting you would think you would know what causes it " ...

As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low self-

esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I told my

therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am eating

because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking... she says

that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying those things...

(my mom does that but she is crazy!)

But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I know

that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I will keep

pluggin along.

jen

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I do that same thing with eating. Wow. . . its kind of validating to

realize I'm not the only one with these thoughts/beliefs/perceptions.

On Wed, Sep 15, 2010 at 10:13 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> I think that's why there is a tendency for those with bpd to not do well

> with therapy. It IS hard and its painful to hear things about ourselves that

> need changing, that aren't " normal " or are self-destructive. I think perhaps

> a lot of those with bpd are too brittle, or fragile, or have such a

> non-existent sense of a core self that hearing such things as " you're not

> perfect " fragment them.

>

> But us KOs, thank God, have the inner core sense of self, the strength and

> the patience to endure the painful therapy process.

> Kudos and a high-five to you for having the courage to go through it.

>

> I think of it as similar to having a broken bone treated. It hurts like

> hell for the doctor to pull on the limb, and realign the bones so they will

> knit together again as straight as possible. Sometimes even pins have to be

> inserted when the bone has been shattered into fragments. It hurts. But the

> painful treatment is necessary in order for the bones to slowly grow

> together again.

>

> Like you, I'd silently listen or dully agree with my nada when she'd say

> similarly vitriolic, disparaging things about other people, or about me. And

> like you I used to believe that other people were as unhappy with me and

> disappointed with me as she was, but were perhaps too polite to say so.

>

> I'm in virtually no contact with her now, but when I was, sometimes I'd

> have a fantasy of just responding in kind every time nada would say mean

> things to me:

>

> Nada: " Your hair is ugly / you're getting fat / you aren't successful

> enough to suit me / you don't pay enough attention to me / why aren't you

> dating anyone? etc. "

>

> Me: " I never noticed before, but you're really starting to resemble a

> female version of Boris Karloff in " The Mummy. " Why don't you go get a

> face-lift or something? Ew. "

>

> When I was in contact with her, one time in sheer frustration I did use

> sarcasm to get my point across, and it actually did work. She stopped

> jabbing me in that particular way (about my hair) for a long time after

> that. But the last time I saw her, back in June, it was almost amusing that

> nada apparently felt this overpowering need to make one more disparaging

> comment about my hair. In some ways she is so predictable. She really does

> have this need to " get me back " when I've thwarted her or put up a boundary.

> Amazing.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

> just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd

> better than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells

> me what I need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> >

> > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and

> thoughts (which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same

> terrible thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt

> and we went through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she

> says that those of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted

> reality... therefor, we have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can

> not eat in front of people I do not know without experiencing great anxiety.

> When I was growing up my mom would always point out overweight people who

> were eating ice cream..etc and tell me that they were disgusting slobs and

> she would say really cruel things like, " I dont get it, look at that fat

> slob sitting there feeding her face, if you look that disgusting you would

> think you would know what causes it " ...

> >

> > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low

> self- esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I

> told my therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am

> eating because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking...

> she says that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying

> those things... (my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> >

> > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

> know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I

> will keep pluggin along.

> > jen

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

thanks Annie!

> >

> > I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are

just so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd better

than anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells me what I

need to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

> >

> > To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and thoughts

(which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same terrible

thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt and we went

through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she says that those

of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted reality... therefor, we

have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can not eat in front of people

I do not know without experiencing great anxiety. When I was growing up my mom

would always point out overweight people who were eating ice cream..etc and tell

me that they were disgusting slobs and she would say really cruel things like,

" I dont get it, look at that fat slob sitting there feeding her face, if you

look that disgusting you would think you would know what causes it " ...

> >

> > As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low self-

esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I told my

therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am eating

because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking... she says

that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying those things...

(my mom does that but she is crazy!)

> >

> > But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I

know that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I will

keep pluggin along.

> > jen

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm currently in a class where we are talking about cognitive therapies and how

they address thought distortions. One thing the professor said the other day

that she emphasized and it really stuck with me is that NO ONE has completely

rational thought processes. Even if we were raised by the best parents in the

world and nothing bad ever happened we would still develop distorted thinking.

I think the point is that everyone is going to see the world a different way. If

you find that your Nada programmed you to think in ways that are not productive

and effect you negatively, AND you have the courage to seek them out and change

them, then you my friend are amazing and deserve applause.

Don't even feel bad that you have some distorted ideas!

Riah

>

> I have been doing lots of work in counseling lately and some sessions are just

so difficult and anxiety producing... My counselor understands bpd better than

anyone I have ever spoken with and I am so lucky that she tells me what I need

to hear but sometimes I think, " ouch " ...

>

> To give a general overview, what I do is take my Nada's voice and thoughts

(which are so crazy) and think that everyone else thinks the same terrible

thoughts about me that she does. Last night I had a counseling appt and we went

through many of my thoughts that she says are " distorted " ... she says that those

of us raised by a bpd mother especially have a distorted reality... therefor, we

have some distorted thoughts. For instance.... I can not eat in front of people

I do not know without experiencing great anxiety. When I was growing up my mom

would always point out overweight people who were eating ice cream..etc and tell

me that they were disgusting slobs and she would say really cruel things like,

" I dont get it, look at that fat slob sitting there feeding her face, if you

look that disgusting you would think you would know what causes it " ...

>

> As an adult woman who is about 25 pounds overweight I have a very low self-

esteem... I find it very difficult to eat out in public....etc.... I told my

therapist that I think people are looking at me wondering why I am eating

because I am too fat to eat... She calls this distorted thinking... she says

that other people are not sitting around watching me and saying those things...

(my mom does that but she is crazy!)

>

> But.... It is difficult to be told that your thinking is distorted but I know

that this is the only way to make progress. This is just my work and I will keep

pluggin along.

> jen

>