Re: help...I'm not sure if I'm in the right place...

[Guest guest]

I just went through this list and answered Yes to at least 85% of the questions:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml

>

> I have reason to believe she's BP. When we were growing up, mi madre was

prone to HORRIBLE mood swings, temper tantrums, screaming, etc. When she was

angry she'd grab us by the hair and shake us. We were often given swats with a

paddle when we were in trouble and then subjected to yelling, screaming, or

silent treatments.

>

> I feel like it goes way beyond " stern " into something else.

>

> She was an alcoholic for probably the first 10 years of my life. When she was

not angry I mostly remember her sobbing and crying " Why me? " as if we were an

atrocious blight on her being. I believe dad made her stop drinking after a

night of heavy drinking where I had to hide the car keys.

>

> One day at school my sister ended up telling someone in the school office that

they couldn't tell our parents (something like running up a $10 tab in the lunch

room) because she'd beat us. They sent out social workers to our home - my

mother was the picture of kindness with exasperation while they interviewed her

and my sister, but when the social workers were gone the woman never let my

sister live it down. I could see how that would be distressing as a parent -

but the way my sister was punished seemed ... excessive.

>

> When I'd break something - like the top of the glass cake stand, I'd hide in

the yard out by the horse pastures, listening for the screaming to die down.

During the cake stand incident I remember her voice coming from the deck: " When

I find you, I'm going to kill you! " followed by scary laughing. We were kids,

but mistakes and broken glasses weren't allowed. To this day I still cry in

terror if I drop a glass in my own home.

>

> I remember the two weeks after I'd gotten my driver's license - I ended up in

an accident while I had friends in the car (forbidden, but I figured it'd be

okay this once). When we got home, all I could do was shrug and flippantly say

" well... That wasn't cool - but I learned. I might as well get my one accident

out of the way now, right? " A very positive spin on a lame situation for a high

school sophomore. I was greeted with fury for that - screaming, berating. I

was stupid. I'd embarrassed her. I was grounded for an entire year. I was

stuck out in that house, 20 miles out of town, only let out for school. And now?

I had a fender bender the other day and cried uncontrollably in fear that

somehow I was in trouble.

>

> There were far lesser trespasses than that, but my sister and I learned to

live in fear. She was unpredictable. She would become enraged at the drop of a

hat, grabbing an arm or our hair and shaking us while screaming at us... but she

didn't always do that...

>

> When I got ready to graduate, she told me I had to do it on my own - I wasn't

going to ruin her credit by taking out student loans. She refused to help fill

out the FAFSA. She did it, she said - why couldn't I? I talked to school

officials and every one of them said " You have to fill out the FAFSA paperwork " .

I was a 3.8 GPA student, and I was accepted to the schools I'd applied for, but

I couldn't pay even one quarter's tuition. Until that summer, I wasn't allowed

to drive my car because I had to pay my own insurance so I got a month's worth

of insurance on loan from mom (the family accountant). I paid it back, paid my

insurance, and was able to save about $1300 for school. The school that I got

into required $5000 for first quarter tuition. I decided I was never going to

get out of that cycle while I still lived with them so I packed up and moved

overnight, with the help of a boyfriend. I called and told them I wasn't coming

back from vacation. She was angry. My dad was incredibly sad. It was the

first time I'd realized how quick she was at severing ties to those around her.

She'd attract new people and then suddenly some strange fallout would cause them

to leave her. She was never in the wrong. I took her statements at face value.

>

> I went through a lot - a rocky relationship that culminated in an unstable

marriage. She took great pride in arranging the wedding with my ex-MIL. I had

no say in most of the choices - especially when it came to whether or not I

wanted to be married. I played victim cus I thought I had to. At the wedding

she and my step-brother got into a pretty righteous fight, because he mentioned

his therapist said he had a lot of relationship baggage from his relationship

with my mother. If they weren't close then, they definitely severed ties at the

wedding.

>

> She did loan me the money for a retainer for my divorce attorney. I went

through some pretty frightening boyfriends after that. She started counselling

me. She sent volumes of self help books and micromanaged my finances and my

feelings. I had to report to her - from 600 miles away - what my checkbook

looked like, how my budget was, even after I'd repaid the retainer loan. She

sent me the Secret, she told me I shouldn't be a victim. She sent pills that I

was supposed to take and I let her micromanage and instruct my lifestyle.

>

> My sister became pregnant and mom stopped calling so much. I kind of set out

on my own. I started to feel the release of not being micromanaged. I made my

own plan, my own schedule and I started growing as a person. In the meantime,

mom was busy enforcing. She told my sister that the baby had to be aborted.

When my sister declined, mom forcefully drove her down to an adoption agency and

helped my sister sign up. My mother was still her guardian. Then at 7 months

pregnant, my mom decided she couldn't take my sister any longer and kicked her

out of the house. My sister hadn't yet graduated high school. Once she adopted

out the baby, she signed up for the Marines and left. The calls started coming

again from mom. They were tainted with weirdness. They were all about

manifesting and an angel named Benu and little green men. I listened with humor,

but I started to feel like maybe she'd gone a little nuts.

>

> 2.5 years ago, mom decided she hated my Grandmother's 12-year-long boyfriend.

Gran is a little loopy at times, but very functional. GIL (Gran's boyfriend now

husband) lost a leg, but gets around on his walker pretty well. We went down

for a visit the summer prior (my mom and I) during which she got into a

screaming match with GIL, and flew home from our trip 3 days early. She decided

then that she was going to split them up. So the next summer she petitioned to

get power of Attorney because GIL was " stealing her father's money " and because

Gran has just a touch of dementia. She involved me - she told me she had

something really important to do, I couldn't know about it. No wait, I could

know about it but I had to promise to back her up. I had to promise

unconditionally to help her. I was going to fly down with her to help her take

my Gran from their home to a senior center. Then she was going to sue GIL for

stealing all the family money. I sadly bought my tickets, while still voicing

that I didn't feel right about this plan.

>

> GIL and Gran found out about this and hired an attorney. A few days before we

were supposed to fly, she called me, enraged that they'd gotten an attorney -

convinced I'd told on her. She told me how wrong I was to support them (though

I was supposed to be going to help her). I said I'd bought tickets to help,

even though I'd had reservations. She ended up screaming " I told you so " at me,

and hung up on me. We didn't talk from September to Christmas, after that. In

fact, we didn't really have any contact until the next July. She seemed to be

okay then... but recently I found out that she's been harboring that grudge

against me for 2.5 years.

>

> I feel bad for my dad - that he's catching the brunt of this. He's

acknowledged her wild mood swings and temper. Now, when he comes out to visit

me, I can guarantee that she'll call him, get mad and scream at him over the

phone and then hang up on him.

>

> Cue my impending wedding. I mentioned to my dad that some of his side of the

family couldn't come up, so when we're on honeymoon we'd go see them. Mom finds

out about this plan and sends me an email detailing how my dad's family is

dangerous with dark secrets about molestation, fraud and " dirty dealings " .

There was a lot of speculation about how an aunt hated my grandfather because

she was raised with the step-father. I remember hearing something about that as

a kid, but I know that the offending person passed away when I was 12. We

bantered back and forth - with my first statements being " I'd rather not engage

in speculation of that sort. " She told me that was nice, but she couldn't ever

let go of what she'd been through (though none of what was in her original email

even happened in her side of the family!). It definitely degraded into the

blame game - with her telling me that I'm rude and that she doesn't " hobnob with

thieves " . She told me she felt like she had a clear conscience in spite of the

accusations against her. She told me there's a reason she hasn't spoken with me

for the last 2.5 years (which is BS - we've definitely spoken). Finally, she

became snide and told me that " we'll make nice until the wedding and after that

we can go our separate ways. "

>

> I don't know what to do... I can't cut them off because I'd like to spend time

with my dad, but he definitely doesn't rule the roost.

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry to say, but you have a nada. (BPD mother). You lost the parental lottery

in life but you've come to the right place. You will find a lot of support on

this board and hopefully clarity around your situation.

Some key points I noticed in your story might be worth some research on your

part, to help you understand and ultimately cope. It seems for much of your life

you have been 'enmeshed' with your nada. This is evident with the

'micromanagement' of your life. She likely sees you as an extension of herself,

and not an autonomous, independent, separate person. Anything less and she feels

abandonded, it's a BPD's greatest fear... abandonment.

So therefore everything revolves around her irrational feelings of rejection.

Even the broken pie stand, in her sick, twisted BPD mind, she somehow sees this

minor accident as a personal slight (or rejection) of herself. Hence the

irrational temper and violent flurries. My nada was the exact same, sans the

death threats. Typically my nada would wish death on herself instead, which

probably would have been best for everyone had she made it happen.

Anyway, try reading " Understand the Borderline Mother " by Lawson. I

think it will help you a alot. Please remember that NONE of this is your fault,

you didn't deserve the abuse as a child and you don't deserve the pain and

trauma it causes now. It sounds as though you might have some PSTD symptoms, I

can't be sure but have you considered a counsellor? I saw a great counsellor

for a few years and it helped me cope in spades; I don't know where I would be

without it. Something to consider for sure, you deserve happiness and peace.

Hugs from HF