Re: Divorcing your BPD parent - have you done it?

[Guest guest]

Oh, she calls you from other numbers. . . Can you say something to change

the mood, like " I'm sorry, this isn't Joe's Pizza and Clam Shack. Bye then. "

Or how about " We don't offer free methadone. . . condoms. . . cocaine here.

Bye now. "

Or can you change your work number?

The num is an issue. Mine is distributed far and wide and I have to answer.

But the FOO doesn't call. Sometimes I wonder why. . . but then I don't

really care and I just count it as a blessing. So weird that nada didn't

call even once. I think she knew she'd gone too far.

On Thu, Sep 2, 2010 at 5:11 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> What an unfortunate situation at work. All I can think of is to only repeat

> like a broken record when she phones you at work, " I'm sorry but I can't

> talk to you at work, mom. I have to hang up now. 'bye. " and nothing else.

>

> At another Group I belong to, one of the members works for a mental health

> services phone counseling department, and she is in that same position of

> not knowing who it is that's calling her. Her company's rules disallow her

> from hanging up on anyone that calls, because their clients are troubled,

> mentally ill people calling for help!

> Ah, the irony!

>

> I suggested to this other KO, that the instant she recognizes that its her

> own nada phoning her again, to only say " Please hold while I transfer you to

> a counselor " and nothing else.

>

> I don't know what I'd do without caller ID, I haven't picked up the phone

> to answer an unsolicited sales call or a political contribution call in

> years! And of course it helps RE avoiding nada as well.

>

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD

> > > > mother. With the help of my therapist, I'm going to send her

> > > > an email to explain and set some boundaries. I'm not brave

> > > > enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't

> > > > want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to

> > > > have to endure another Christmas season with her. I've run

> > > > out of the energy to even talk to her on the phone.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward

> > > > kind of way (as opposed to slowly phasing out)while living

> > > > in the same city? Success stories? Horror stories?

> > > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > ------------------------------------

> > > >

> > > > **This group is based on principles in Randi Kreger's new

> > > > book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality

> > > > Disorder: New Tips and Tools to Stop Walking on Eggshells,

> > > > available at www.BPDCentral.com.** Problems? Write @

> > > > DO NOT RESPOND ON THE LIST.

> > > >

> > > > To unsub from this list, send a blank email to

>

WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe <WTOAdultChildren1-unsubscribe%40ya\

hoogroups.com>

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Recommended: " Toxic Parents, " " Surviving a Borderline

> > > > Parent, " and " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (hard to

> > > > find)

[Guest guest]

I did it when I was 21. I was in a relationship with someone she hated and she

made life an absolute nightmare. She would ring everyone in the phonebook with

the same last name as him, at 2 in the morning, saying there was a " family

emergency " and that they had to get me away from him.

I got to the point where I told her I wasnt putting up with her anymore and that

I was not contacting her again. I answered no phonecalls, told family that I

wanted them to stay out of it, and stuck to my guns. It took months, but

eventually she left me alone.

She moved across the country soon after and over time I have let her back into

my life a litte. But it is only on my terms - everyone in my family is under

strict instructions to NEVER give her my address, work numbers, or contact

details of my partner. I only ever answer one call from her a month, or less. I

simply say " Im busy " . A lot. It helps that I have a job that means Im often out

of the city and not in contact with people. I keep it to 5 minutes max, and

never discuss my feelings about anything - just bland life stuff, or tell her I

am going away for work. I dont care how many times she calls, or how late it is,

or EVER let myself think " perhaps it is an emergency so Id better answer " . I

never visit, and have only once let her stay with me when she visited (she was

driving my sister mad so I caved in). I made sure I was only home for a few

hours each day. If she is in town I will only see her with other people around,

in public, for a few hours at most. I do this for my own sanity, and I no longer

give a rats backside what the rest of the family think, or how much of a fuss

she causes.

It has now been many years of this, and it works well. She behaves because she

hopes if she is all lovely to me I will let her back into my life, but if I show

any sign if it, she does the Jekkyl and Hyde switch. I worry when I have kids

that she will try to be more involved, but I think that now I have kept her at

arms length for so long it will be a lot easier to keep her away, but it will be

harder. If she becomes a problem again I will simply go NC for a few years

again.

>

> I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of my

therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some boundaries.

I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I don't want to

see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to endure another

Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even talk to her on the

phone.

>

> Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as opposed to

slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success stories? Horror

stories?

>

[Guest guest]

Hi, GS - The " script " is simply an explanation that has been thought out in

advance and rehearsed so that it can be delivered calmly, without upsetting

yourself or diminishing your credibility to the listener.

The elements of my " script " for outsiders are:

" My mother has a mental illness.

You can look this up - it's called BPD. The place that lists the criteria is

the DSM-IV, it's on-line. Read the criteria - see if you recognize the

behavior. I find that HER BEHAVIOR TOWARD ME matches nearly all of the criteria

for this disorder.

This mental illness causes people to " target " the family members and friends

they're closest to. My mother targets me.

Her behavior is very manipulative and destructive to my mental and emotional

well-being.

I cannot allow her to be a destructive influence to me or my own family, so I

have to distance myself from her.

Yes, this is sad and I wish it were otherwise.

I am willing and eager to work with professional mental health practitioners,

but I cannot and will not become involved in her destructive behavior. "

That's about it - since I am delivering this information in a calm, friendly,

open manner, there's no reason for the listener to think that I'm the crazy,

out-of-control or lazy, hard-hearted person they've heard about from my Mom.

Note that I am NOT making a diagnosis of BPD - I am merely stating that Nada's

behavior toward me matches the criteria. This defuses the " Oh, where did YOU go

to medical school? " reaction from mental health pro's.

When the flying monkeys (friends and well-meaning nurses, docs, social workers)

try to get me to " step up " and become immersed in my mother's drama, I simply

repeat as necessary. Saves time.

> > > > >

> > > > > I want to limit my relationship with my BPD mother. With the help of

> > my therapist, I'm going to send her an email to explain and set some

> > boundaries. I'm not brave enough to cut her out of my life completely, but I

> > don't want to see much of her anymore. I especially don't want to have to

> > endure another Christmas season with her. I've run out of the energy to even

> > talk to her on the phone.

> > > > >

> > > > > Have any of you done this in a straightforward kind of way (as

> > opposed to slowly phasing out)while living in the same city? Success

> > stories? Horror stories?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>