Been gone for a while

[Guest guest]

Dear group members,

I don't know if this mail is of interest for anyone. If you decide not

to read it now, that's perfectly ok.

I've been gone for a while, not having read mails. I have near 5000 of

unread mails now in my box. I didn't want to deal with " normal eating "

anymore. I saw no " results " , in fact my physical and mental condition

got worse. A lot of the self-hatred came back, the " perfect " company for

weight gain and worsening weight-related physical condition.

I'm on a horrible fence.

People in the groups say that it's possible to incorporate healthy

eating (e. g. eating appropriate for diabetes) into normal eating,

something I never was able to do.

I can't afford anymore spinning round and round and round the same

circle. I can't afford anymore to stay at this weight or gain even more.

My body hurts and I'm destroying it.

I can't afford anymore experimenting with " normal eating " while my body

gets worse and worse. I can't afford sitting on the fence anymore. I

need to do something for my body now. In retrospect I should have taken

that decision years and years ago but the thought of being finally

someone who can eat " normally " and be healthy (and THIN - yes, I admit

it) was as tempting as the promises of a diet.

I feel awful and still hope that I can use some techniques I learned

during the last years for my health, e. g. coping with the thought that

I should have done something about my physical condition about 14-15

years ago when I gained all the weight back I lost 16 years ago.

These numbers are hard to deal with. I mean 14-15 years ago? How could

this time have passed without me DOING SOMETHING that works??? Where was

my commitment???

I feel horrible about myself again.

I started eating healthily, following a program supposed to help

diabetes. I won't go into detail since I don't want to trigger anybody

but I can't afford eating unhealthy foods, i. e. foods that hurt my body

in a search for " normal eating " habits anymore.

I got diabetic while fat, BECAUSE of the fat. I now want to fix as much

damage as I possibly can. I still won't be a candidate to get 100 years

old, diabetic complications will get me sooner or later - but I prefer

them to get me LATER.

I don't know if I will leave the groups to get 1000% commited to eating

healthfully for my health, I guess most people on here don't care any or

the other way, I've been gone for a while after all, but maybe some day

I will have both: eating healthy foods and doing that like a normal

person.

Best wishes to everyone

styxia