Guest guest Posted September 22, 2010 Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 (((((((Doug))))))) We're here for you. It sounds like at least a little bit of progress is happening for you, that's encouraging. Maybe it will help you to know that many remarkable people throughout history have battled with severe depression. Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchhill and Dickens all had major depression disorder. Yet each one managed to make a positive contribution to this world; a real difference. Its pretty amazing that a person can have major depression and yet their inherent, underlying goodness, compassion and humanity can achieve positive things in spite of it. The depression isn't *you*; its an outsider, an interloper that has wrapped itself around you, but it can be dealt with. Ride it out. Let it pass. You are stronger than it is. best wishes, -Annie > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 22, 2010 Report Share Posted September 22, 2010 I stand by my previous statement: F*** You, Depression. Thanks for keeping us updated. We really do care, and it helps to know. Please continue to do so. Keep on swinging. Maybe, with the downward draft, you'll start to fly. (If that's not the sappiest, corniest analogy I've made since I was 11, I don't know what is. But still. I have a point). ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) Grace and Peace, Karla > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 I'm rooting for you Doug. I like you Churchill quote and I was going to share his " never give in " quote with you, but then I wasn't sure I remembered it right. I searched for it and found something wonderful - the whole speech he said it in. It inspired me and maybe might speak to you too...about the lifetime battle we all face to restore ourselves to wholeness. " Almost a year has passed since I came down here at your Head Master's kind invitation in order to cheer myself and cheer the hearts of a few of my friends by singing some of our own songs. " The ten months that have passed have seen very terrible catastrophic events in the world--ups and downs, misfortunes-- but can anyone sitting here this afternoon, this October afternoon, not feel deeply thankful for what has happened in the time that has passed and for the very great improvement in the position of our country and of our home? " Why, when I was here last time we were quite alone, desperately alone, and we had been so for five or six months. We were poorly armed. We are not so poorly armed today; but then we were very poorly armed. We had the unmeasured menace of the enemy and their air attack still beating upon us, and you yourselves had had experience of this attack; and I expect you are beginning to feel impatient that there has been this long lull with nothing particular turning up! " But we must learn to be equally good at what is short and sharp and what is long and tough. It is generally said that the British are often better at the last. They do not expect to move from crisis to crisis; they do not always expect that each day will bring up some noble chance of war; but when they very slowly make up their minds that the thing has to be done and the job put through and finished, then, even if it takes months - if it takes years - they do it. " Another lesson I think we may take, just throwing our minds back to our meeting here ten months ago and now, is that appearances are often very deceptive, and as Kipling well says, we must " ...meet with Triumph and Disaster. And treat those two impostors just the same. " " You cannot tell from appearances how things will go. Sometimes imagination makes things out far worse than they are; yet without imagination not much can be done. Those people who are imaginative see many more dangers than perhaps exist; certainly many more than will happen; but then they must also pray to be given that extra courage to carry this far-reaching imagination. " But for everyone, surely, what we have gone through in this period--I am addressing myself to the School--surely from this period of ten months, this is the lesson: " Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy. " We stood all alone a year ago, and to many countries it seemed that our account was closed, we were finished. All this tradition of ours, our songs, our School history, this part of the history of this country, were gone and finished and liquidated. " Very different is the mood today. Britain, other nations thought, had drawn a sponge across her slate. But instead our country stood in the gap. There was no flinching and no thought of giving in; and by what seemed almost a miracle to those outside these Islands, though we ourselves never doubted it, we now find ourselves in a position where I say that we can be sure that we have only to persevere to conquer. " You sang here a verse of a School Song: you sang that extra verse written in my honor, which I was very greatly complimented by and which you have repeated today. But there is one word in it I want to alter - I wanted to do so last year, but I did not venture to. It is the line: " Not less we praise in darker days. " " I have obtained the Head Master's permission to alter darker to sterner. 'Not less we praise in sterner days.' " Do not let us speak of darker days: let us speak rather of sterner days. These are not dark days; these are great days--the greatest days our country has ever lived; and we must all thank God that we have been allowed, each of us according to our stations, to play a part in making these days memorable in the history of our race. " > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 doug, so glad to hear this, that you have gotten some help for yourself and are responding with some renewed hope and better spirits. your words to us here mean so much to so many.  we are all so glad you are still with us and will be for a long time to come we pray.  it is a long road sometimes but it does get better with time and work on ourselves.. i wouldn't wish it on anyone but it can be gotten thru to the other side.  as long as there is breath there is hope even when the darkness threatens despair.  take good, good care of yourself.. blessings,ann Subject: Depression update To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, September 22, 2010, 11:45 PM  My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me teary several times, here is an update. I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things I enjoy. There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, courage which matters. Winston Churchill Blessings all, Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Hey Buddy, I've been there too so many many times. Good job on the steps you have taken. But can I say, its not good enough and you need to feel better. And with patience and work, you can. My tips are to exercise when you don't feel like it, use your body and do physical things as much as possible (this is such a good one for me), and stay in close touch with you doctors and health care providers. If you can get an appoinment with a psychiatrist and then a therapist, those things have made a huge difference for me. Oh, and take your medicine like it is your religion. One million hugs, I'm so sorry, I hate that GD black monkey!!!!!! XOXOX let me know if you need to talk or anything. I feel like I've almost earned a PhD in having depression, though I'm not sure I'm much closer to getting the upper hand. My trouble time seems to be the winter months, and so I'm working hard now to store up all my mental provisions to fight it. XOXOXOX again!!! > > > doug, so glad to hear this, that you have gotten some help for yourself and > are responding with some renewed hope and better spirits. your words to us > here mean so much to so many. we are all so glad you are still with us and > will be for a long time to come we pray. it is a long road sometimes but it > does get better with time and work on ourselves.. i wouldn't wish it on > anyone but it can be gotten thru to the other side. as long as there is > breath there is hope even when the darkness threatens despair. take good, > good care of yourself.. blessings,ann > > > > From: doug883@... <doug883%40yahoo.com> <doug883@...<doug883%40yahoo.com> > > > Subject: Depression update > To: WTOAdultChildren1 <WTOAdultChildren1%40yahoogroups.com> > Date: Wednesday, September 22, 2010, 11:45 PM > > > > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 When it is worse in the winter, it is SAD , seasonally affective disorder. Interesting article here on Light Therapy to help it from Mayo clinic. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder-treatment/DN00013 > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Doug, As well as many others here, I am routing for you. Your posts are always full of such wisdom, and the rest of us are so encouraged by your fight and your spirit. Keep hanging in there, Dude. Your Churchill quotation is awesome. And here's one from Theodore Roosevelt, for you.... " It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. " Jan > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Hey Doug, I am so glad to hear you are feeling a little better.... Depression is difficult... I am currently on four different meds and yes, side effects galore! Just dont ever give up! I have been battling serious depression for years but there are more good times than bad now... Keep tweaking your meds if you have to until you find what is right.... Are you in counseling? My counselor helps me tremendously! just a thought... Hang in there.... we are all here for you!! Remember, you have a purpose here on Earth and you may not even realize how important you are but I guarantee you are important! Maybe some of the things you have written here on this site have helped others in ways that they had never been helped before... Sometimes a person on here will write something that may be totally insignificant to many but hits me like a ton of bricks and makes me feel like I am not alone... You have value! Hang in there!! jen > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 I second what Jen says. I don't post much on here but read messages in this group just about every day and have read many of yours, Doug. It is sooo comforting to know I am not alone. I have battled depression for many years...I beat myself up so bad thinking why can't I just be *normal*? why am I *still* battling this? BUT...I am learning to take one step at a time, one day at a time...all we have is today and now. I am so thankful for this group because it is def. helping me on my journey. Gratefully, > > > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > > teary several times, here is an update. > > > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > > I enjoy. > > > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > > courage which matters. > > > > Winston Churchill > > > > Blessings all, > > > > Doug > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Doug, Glad to hear you are making progress. I have been on SSRIs for my whole adult life since I was 15. At one point I was taking Celexa and Welbutrin and an anti-anxiety med, although now I am just on Celexa. (I like Welbutrin but it's too expensive.) If you like Celexa except for the side effects I recommend Lexapro. It's the same chemical, but better somehow so less drug is needed and so side effects are much less. The only problem is a lot of insurances won't cover it, and then it's pricey. If you are feeling better after one month that is a good sign. Sometimes it can take awhile I found. And side effects do suck, but depression to me is so much worse than anything else. Even though I've been treating my depression for many years, it's still a daily battle. I use cognitive therapy to counteract my negative thoughts telling me how horrible I am and that life isn't worth it. The meds help - but are not a cure-all by any means. Without them, though, I fall right back to the bottom. Stick with it. Hope your happy times increase and you see your real worth. Casey > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Oh yes, I took lexapro for a while and it was wonderful. It brought me back from the dead. A few weeks into it though, i started throwing up all the time, like morning, noon, night etc. So watch out for that. They had to take me off it even though it was helping my mind. Its hard to be happy when you puke constantly. But I would def try it. I have tried most of them, I gained an enormous amount of weight on seraquil, so watch out for that as well. I'm proud to say I lost all the weight plus a little extra. Hugs Doug, you can do this!!! On Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 1:52 PM, slingshot2hell wrote: > > > Doug, > Glad to hear you are making progress. I have been on SSRIs for my whole > adult life since I was 15. At one point I was taking Celexa and Welbutrin > and an anti-anxiety med, although now I am just on Celexa. (I like Welbutrin > but it's too expensive.) If you like Celexa except for the side effects I > recommend Lexapro. It's the same chemical, but better somehow so less drug > is needed and so side effects are much less. The only problem is a lot of > insurances won't cover it, and then it's pricey. > > If you are feeling better after one month that is a good sign. Sometimes it > can take awhile I found. And side effects do suck, but depression to me is > so much worse than anything else. > > Even though I've been treating my depression for many years, it's still a > daily battle. I use cognitive therapy to counteract my negative thoughts > telling me how horrible I am and that life isn't worth it. The meds help - > but are not a cure-all by any means. Without them, though, I fall right back > to the bottom. > > Stick with it. Hope your happy times increase and you see your real worth. > > Casey > > > > > > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > > teary several times, here is an update. > > > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > > I enjoy. > > > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > > courage which matters. > > > > Winston Churchill > > > > Blessings all, > > > > Doug > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Hi Doug, As you already know, one anti-d does not fit all. It often takes a long time of trial and error to find the right combo for you so don't give up! It's frustrating as hell but you'll get there. I believe in you. And I believe in modern medicine too- thank God for anti-depressants and counseling. I'd be one hot mess if it wasn't for those two things! Aside from being mind-f'd our whole lives, I learned in school that children of people where addiction of any sort or depression runs in the family are often born with lower levels of a certain chemical- can't remember if it is dopamine or serotonin but it was something of that nature. That means many of us are genetically predisposed to depression. Thanks for passing on the great genes, right? I have been off and on anti-d's since college. Off now due to pregnancy but my husband and I joke that as soon as I push this baby out I will say, " Pill me " and he'll give me some zoloft. > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 The plan was to start the meds, get to the place I felt good enough to care about healing , then start counseling. ly, a month ago, she could have talked forever and I didn t really care. I didnt even want to feel better. Damn it, I don t want to get back into all the crap again. There is stuff in there that hurt like hell. I didnt, WE didnt, deserve that bullshit that we got in place of a life. I really don t want to do this. I m hurt, and mad as hell. It s going to be hard, and it s going to hurt, and I really don t fricking want to do it. Yea, thanks for the lovely genes. But do they make my butt look big? But, maybe, just maybe, I care now, enough to try, a little. I m meeting with my T on Wednesday. I ll try. Boy, did I just rant? Sorry. But boy, that felt good! Doug > > > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > > teary several times, here is an update. > > > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > > I enjoy. > > > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > > courage which matters. > > > > Winston Churchill > > > > Blessings all, > > > > Doug > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 Rant away. That's what we're here for. And yes. My genes make my butt look big. Because it is, thanks to my heritage. Is that what you were asking? Blessings, Karla > > > > > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made > me > > > teary several times, here is an update. > > > > > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. > It is > > > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those > of > > > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out > such > > > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is > where we > > > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > > > > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side > effects > > > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like > life > > > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > > > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I > feel > > > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost > happiness. > > > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the > things > > > I enjoy. > > > > > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > > > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It > may > > > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > > > > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, > courage, > > > courage which matters. > > > > > > Winston Churchill > > > > > > Blessings all, > > > > > > Doug > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2010 Report Share Posted September 23, 2010 I know doesn't it bite that we as the victims have to do all this hard work just to be functioning " normally " ? I get mad that I am spending all this money on therapy that I could be spending on vacations, a home, fun stuff. Just take it one day at a time. One day you will come out on the other side feeling so much better. > > > > > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made > me > > > teary several times, here is an update. > > > > > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. > It is > > > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those > of > > > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out > such > > > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is > where we > > > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > > > > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side > effects > > > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like > life > > > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > > > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I > feel > > > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost > happiness. > > > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the > things > > > I enjoy. > > > > > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > > > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It > may > > > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > > > > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, > courage, > > > courage which matters. > > > > > > Winston Churchill > > > > > > Blessings all, > > > > > > Doug > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 It's interesting but I find myself wavering between a deeper depression at this stage of healing and some form of bargaining. It's like you say, I don't want to be that depressed so when I am feeling better I have alternating waves of strong anger towards nada and then I go thru some form of bargaining. Bargaining to avoid the alternative that is depression. In the bargaining, I sometimes learn new skill and branch out, sometimes wonder what it would be like if I never knew about bpd so everything was back the way it was and sometimes scraping for remnants of skills I thought I possessed in my former/pre-knowledge of bpd days so I can function on this side better than my awkward attempt to function in this new world now. I don't know if that made any sense but I know I still, and probably will forever, waiver between all five of the stages of grief but I think I do see glimpses of the final stage of acceptance in all of this from time to time. peace, patinage Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 I hope it is OK to share this: Statistically speaking the medicines for depression do not work much better than good old placebo (belief). When they did freedom of information act reviews of FDA data for most anti-depressants, it was clear that only one in ten folks had a clear positive response in the trials. If the meds work, you are that one in ten for whom it does. When the meds really work it is probably not about serotonin at all. The profession quietly agrees about that, even as the propaganda around the medical model continues. Low serotonin has not been found to have a correlation with depression, again, when you look at the research papers and extensive review. The model of brain biochemistry is unproven. All this is carefully explained in a suprisingly optimistic way in Whitaker's new book, " The Anatomy of an Epidemic " in which he looks thoroughly and carefully at the long-term data regarding the medical model that has been in place this past fifty years. We have more drug-induced bipolar, kids on stimulant drugs that promote long term problems like bipolar, psychosis, and the like. But again, as far as depression, what works best is therapy(particularly cognitive) and exercise. A good self-help book that addressed the cognitive approach is this one: Burns, D. D. (2006). When Panic Attacks. Stanford Psychiatrist, Burns found early on in his clinical practice that the medications for depression were not as effective as he had been led to think. When he found that changing folks' habits of thinking led to greater health, he wrote his book, to make his approach accessible to more people. It is a very well-presented book, and I have a friend who swears by it. He found those with anxiety have a lot in common with those with depression, so that book I mention is appropriate for depression as well). Other studies also show therapy has better results than medications (one study showed 30% improved with therapy, versus 19 % on medication.) And, while medications can help in the first six weeks in reducing symptoms, it is only those doing a regular exercise regimen that saw long term improvement and the sustained elevation of mood. Please educate yourself, and see what you think. I just don't like to see folks feel bad when the medications don't seem too effective. Personally I like knowing that good self-care has such a good track record~ I encourage you Doug to trust in what you will gain as you learn to use all the tools of recovery. May we all heal, and know that we are worth the work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 I've heard this before... but if it's just a placebo effect how come some medicines help me a lot and some don't at all, or even make it worse? I can even tell when I try to lower my dose where my minimum acceptable dose is. Casey > > I hope it is OK to share this: Statistically speaking the medicines > for depression do not work much better than good old placebo > (belief). When they did freedom of information act reviews of FDA > data for most anti-depressants, it was clear that only one in ten > folks had a clear positive response in the trials. > > If the meds work, you are that one in ten for whom it does. When the > meds really work it is probably not about serotonin at all. The > profession quietly agrees about that, even as the propaganda around > the medical model continues. > > Low serotonin has not been found to have a correlation with > depression, again, when you look at the research papers and extensive > review. The model of brain biochemistry is unproven. > > All this is carefully explained in a suprisingly optimistic way in > Whitaker's new book, " The Anatomy of an Epidemic " in which he > looks thoroughly and carefully at the long-term data regarding the > medical model that has been in place this past fifty years. We have > more drug-induced bipolar, kids on stimulant drugs that promote long > term problems like bipolar, psychosis, and the like. > > But again, as far as depression, what works best is > therapy(particularly cognitive) and exercise. A good self-help book > that addressed the cognitive approach is this one: Burns, D. D. > (2006). When Panic Attacks. Stanford Psychiatrist, Burns found early > on in his clinical practice that the medications for depression were > not as effective as he had been led to think. When he found that > changing folks' habits of thinking led to greater health, he wrote his > book, to make his approach accessible to more people. It is a very > well-presented book, and I have a friend who swears by it. He found > those with anxiety have a lot in common with those with depression, > so that book I mention is appropriate for depression as well). Other > studies also show therapy has better results than medications (one > study showed 30% improved with therapy, versus 19 % on medication.) > And, while medications can help in the first six weeks in reducing > symptoms, it is only those doing a regular exercise regimen that saw > long term improvement and the sustained elevation of mood. > > Please educate yourself, and see what you think. I just don't like to > see folks feel bad when the medications don't seem too effective. > Personally I like knowing that good self-care has such a good track > record~ I encourage you Doug to trust in what you will gain as you > learn to use all the tools of recovery. > > May we all heal, and know that we are worth the work! > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 Maybe you're one of the lucky one-in-ten for whom the antidepressant meds actually work the right way. I've heard that also, that psychoactive drugs (antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, etc.) affect different people differently and most people have to experiment with their doctors a while to find the right combination of meds and the dosage that works most effectively for them, individually. At one point when I was under a great deal of stress at work, plus my nada announced she was coming for a visit (this was when I was still enmeshed with her and miserable but didn't have the guts to stand up to her). I started having chest pains, dizzyness and shortness of breath just from pure anxiety. It scared me, I thought I might be heading for a stroke or something. I went to see my regular general practitioner, and he said my blood pressure was through the roof. He put me on a short course of anti-anxiety meds, and thank goodness they apparently happened to work for me. (Although I guess there's no way I'll ever know if that was just the placebo effect or not!) But they got me through that crisis, although it felt weirdly like I was... under water or something the whole time. Like, everything was happening in slow motion, but that was... OK. And I slept about 10 hours a night. I managed to survive that nada visit and eventually things got resolved at my work (I escaped into another department, away from the " evil " people). So I am a big fan of meds when they work right. -Annie > > > > I hope it is OK to share this: Statistically speaking the medicines > > for depression do not work much better than good old placebo > > (belief). When they did freedom of information act reviews of FDA > > data for most anti-depressants, it was clear that only one in ten > > folks had a clear positive response in the trials. > > > > If the meds work, you are that one in ten for whom it does. When the > > meds really work it is probably not about serotonin at all. The > > profession quietly agrees about that, even as the propaganda around > > the medical model continues. > > > > Low serotonin has not been found to have a correlation with > > depression, again, when you look at the research papers and extensive > > review. The model of brain biochemistry is unproven. > > > > All this is carefully explained in a suprisingly optimistic way in > > Whitaker's new book, " The Anatomy of an Epidemic " in which he > > looks thoroughly and carefully at the long-term data regarding the > > medical model that has been in place this past fifty years. We have > > more drug-induced bipolar, kids on stimulant drugs that promote long > > term problems like bipolar, psychosis, and the like. > > > > But again, as far as depression, what works best is > > therapy(particularly cognitive) and exercise. A good self-help book > > that addressed the cognitive approach is this one: Burns, D. D. > > (2006). When Panic Attacks. Stanford Psychiatrist, Burns found early > > on in his clinical practice that the medications for depression were > > not as effective as he had been led to think. When he found that > > changing folks' habits of thinking led to greater health, he wrote his > > book, to make his approach accessible to more people. It is a very > > well-presented book, and I have a friend who swears by it. He found > > those with anxiety have a lot in common with those with depression, > > so that book I mention is appropriate for depression as well). Other > > studies also show therapy has better results than medications (one > > study showed 30% improved with therapy, versus 19 % on medication.) > > And, while medications can help in the first six weeks in reducing > > symptoms, it is only those doing a regular exercise regimen that saw > > long term improvement and the sustained elevation of mood. > > > > Please educate yourself, and see what you think. I just don't like to > > see folks feel bad when the medications don't seem too effective. > > Personally I like knowing that good self-care has such a good track > > record~ I encourage you Doug to trust in what you will gain as you > > learn to use all the tools of recovery. > > > > May we all heal, and know that we are worth the work! > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 I do all these things, therapy, meds, exercise, self care, even pet therapy, volunteer work and working with children who are at the age I was when I was abused. My mantra is that I am open to healing in any form it is offered to me. May we all heal. May I heal. The meds do work. They got me through some extremley difficult, suicidal times. I would be very wary of recommending anyone who is suicidal not take their doctor and psychiatrist's advice about their healthcare and ultimate survival. On Fri, Sep 24, 2010 at 2:17 PM, anuria67854 wrote: > > > Maybe you're one of the lucky one-in-ten for whom the antidepressant meds > actually work the right way. > > I've heard that also, that psychoactive drugs (antidepressants, > anti-anxiety meds, etc.) affect different people differently and most people > have to experiment with their doctors a while to find the right combination > of meds and the dosage that works most effectively for them, individually. > > At one point when I was under a great deal of stress at work, plus my nada > announced she was coming for a visit (this was when I was still enmeshed > with her and miserable but didn't have the guts to stand up to her). I > started having chest pains, dizzyness and shortness of breath just from pure > anxiety. It scared me, I thought I might be heading for a stroke or > something. I went to see my regular general practitioner, and he said my > blood pressure was through the roof. He put me on a short course of > anti-anxiety meds, and thank goodness they apparently happened to work for > me. (Although I guess there's no way I'll ever know if that was just the > placebo effect or not!) > > But they got me through that crisis, although it felt weirdly like I was... > under water or something the whole time. Like, everything was happening in > slow motion, but that was... OK. And I slept about 10 hours a night. I > managed to survive that nada visit and eventually things got resolved at my > work (I escaped into another department, away from the " evil " people). > > So I am a big fan of meds when they work right. > > -Annie > > > > > > > > > I hope it is OK to share this: Statistically speaking the medicines > > > for depression do not work much better than good old placebo > > > (belief). When they did freedom of information act reviews of FDA > > > data for most anti-depressants, it was clear that only one in ten > > > folks had a clear positive response in the trials. > > > > > > If the meds work, you are that one in ten for whom it does. When the > > > meds really work it is probably not about serotonin at all. The > > > profession quietly agrees about that, even as the propaganda around > > > the medical model continues. > > > > > > Low serotonin has not been found to have a correlation with > > > depression, again, when you look at the research papers and extensive > > > review. The model of brain biochemistry is unproven. > > > > > > All this is carefully explained in a suprisingly optimistic way in > > > Whitaker's new book, " The Anatomy of an Epidemic " in which he > > > looks thoroughly and carefully at the long-term data regarding the > > > medical model that has been in place this past fifty years. We have > > > more drug-induced bipolar, kids on stimulant drugs that promote long > > > term problems like bipolar, psychosis, and the like. > > > > > > But again, as far as depression, what works best is > > > therapy(particularly cognitive) and exercise. A good self-help book > > > that addressed the cognitive approach is this one: Burns, D. D. > > > (2006). When Panic Attacks. Stanford Psychiatrist, Burns found early > > > on in his clinical practice that the medications for depression were > > > not as effective as he had been led to think. When he found that > > > changing folks' habits of thinking led to greater health, he wrote his > > > book, to make his approach accessible to more people. It is a very > > > well-presented book, and I have a friend who swears by it. He found > > > those with anxiety have a lot in common with those with depression, > > > so that book I mention is appropriate for depression as well). Other > > > studies also show therapy has better results than medications (one > > > study showed 30% improved with therapy, versus 19 % on medication.) > > > And, while medications can help in the first six weeks in reducing > > > symptoms, it is only those doing a regular exercise regimen that saw > > > long term improvement and the sustained elevation of mood. > > > > > > Please educate yourself, and see what you think. I just don't like to > > > see folks feel bad when the medications don't seem too effective. > > > Personally I like knowing that good self-care has such a good track > > > record~ I encourage you Doug to trust in what you will gain as you > > > learn to use all the tools of recovery. > > > > > > May we all heal, and know that we are worth the work! > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 , good to see your post - I was just thinking about making a post on Whitaker's book. He backs everything up with solid data, but given the current officially accepted wisdom he's treated like a heretic by the establishment. I mean, low serotonin not being the causes of depression? Shocking. SSRI's actually *causing* the brain to have imbalanced functioning with serotonin and so making it almost impossible to get off of them? Even more shocking. So many think when they start to get off an SSRI and relapse it is because the disease has come back, but it can also be because their brain can only function normally while taking it because of the changes that have occurred by taking it. Whitaker isn't totally anti-meds - he admits there are times they are truly needed. But it is an eye opening book. It reflects my own experience. I got on an SSRI many years ago when I felt suicidal and it did make the difference, I did get off of it eventually but my ability to handle emotional stress was never as robust again. I've had to continually take natural supplements that boost serotonin every since - going on ten years now. If I had known about the cycle that would be started, I might have made different choices during my crisis or at least stayed on the drug a much shorter time. > > I hope it is OK to share this: Statistically speaking the medicines > for depression do not work much better than good old placebo > (belief). When they did freedom of information act reviews of FDA > data for most anti-depressants, it was clear that only one in ten > folks had a clear positive response in the trials. > > If the meds work, you are that one in ten for whom it does. When the > meds really work it is probably not about serotonin at all. The > profession quietly agrees about that, even as the propaganda around > the medical model continues. > > Low serotonin has not been found to have a correlation with > depression, again, when you look at the research papers and extensive > review. The model of brain biochemistry is unproven. > > All this is carefully explained in a suprisingly optimistic way in > Whitaker's new book, " The Anatomy of an Epidemic " in which he > looks thoroughly and carefully at the long-term data regarding the > medical model that has been in place this past fifty years. We have > more drug-induced bipolar, kids on stimulant drugs that promote long > term problems like bipolar, psychosis, and the like. > > But again, as far as depression, what works best is > therapy(particularly cognitive) and exercise. A good self-help book > that addressed the cognitive approach is this one: Burns, D. D. > (2006). When Panic Attacks. Stanford Psychiatrist, Burns found early > on in his clinical practice that the medications for depression were > not as effective as he had been led to think. When he found that > changing folks' habits of thinking led to greater health, he wrote his > book, to make his approach accessible to more people. It is a very > well-presented book, and I have a friend who swears by it. He found > those with anxiety have a lot in common with those with depression, > so that book I mention is appropriate for depression as well). Other > studies also show therapy has better results than medications (one > study showed 30% improved with therapy, versus 19 % on medication.) > And, while medications can help in the first six weeks in reducing > symptoms, it is only those doing a regular exercise regimen that saw > long term improvement and the sustained elevation of mood. > > Please educate yourself, and see what you think. I just don't like to > see folks feel bad when the medications don't seem too effective. > Personally I like knowing that good self-care has such a good track > record~ I encourage you Doug to trust in what you will gain as you > learn to use all the tools of recovery. > > May we all heal, and know that we are worth the work! > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2010 Report Share Posted September 24, 2010 Absolutely, do take doctor's advice. I am also open to any healing available. Anything I can get. I really didn't learn properly how to take care of my mental health as a child, and I have spent my whole adult life learning how to properly care for myself. It did take awhile to find the right meds for me, and the variance of their effects is why I do think they do something much more than just a sugar pill. But once I did it was easier to work on my therapy. It's hard to change your thinking when your thoughts are " stuck " like mine were without meds. And the meds alone are not enough. I don't think we really understand our brain enough to say that any one thing will work for someone or won't work or whatever. I'm of the opinion anyone should try whatever they can until they find what works. As to pet therapy - I give that a big thumbs up! I really think one of the things that saved my life as a teenager was my horses. And currently I'm at work with my dog on my lap. They are absolutely excellent at reducing my anxiety. While I still need anti-depressants, I have not been on anti-anxiety meds in years - cognitive therapy and my cat at the time I quit taking them have done wonders for me. Also, I had a therapist that told me that 20 mins of exercise has the same dopamine effect as self-injury and recommended I try that when I have the urge to hurt myself. What kind of messed up shit did I learn from my nada that I would think hurting myself would make me feel better instead of learning the proper way of just a little exercise. I second " may we all heal " . I don't know that I'll ever be " healed " it really feels like an ongoing process. May we all have the courage to never give up in our healing. Casey > > > > > > > > I hope it is OK to share this: Statistically speaking the medicines > > > > for depression do not work much better than good old placebo > > > > (belief). When they did freedom of information act reviews of FDA > > > > data for most anti-depressants, it was clear that only one in ten > > > > folks had a clear positive response in the trials. > > > > > > > > If the meds work, you are that one in ten for whom it does. When the > > > > meds really work it is probably not about serotonin at all. The > > > > profession quietly agrees about that, even as the propaganda around > > > > the medical model continues. > > > > > > > > Low serotonin has not been found to have a correlation with > > > > depression, again, when you look at the research papers and extensive > > > > review. The model of brain biochemistry is unproven. > > > > > > > > All this is carefully explained in a suprisingly optimistic way in > > > > Whitaker's new book, " The Anatomy of an Epidemic " in which he > > > > looks thoroughly and carefully at the long-term data regarding the > > > > medical model that has been in place this past fifty years. We have > > > > more drug-induced bipolar, kids on stimulant drugs that promote long > > > > term problems like bipolar, psychosis, and the like. > > > > > > > > But again, as far as depression, what works best is > > > > therapy(particularly cognitive) and exercise. A good self-help book > > > > that addressed the cognitive approach is this one: Burns, D. D. > > > > (2006). When Panic Attacks. Stanford Psychiatrist, Burns found early > > > > on in his clinical practice that the medications for depression were > > > > not as effective as he had been led to think. When he found that > > > > changing folks' habits of thinking led to greater health, he wrote his > > > > book, to make his approach accessible to more people. It is a very > > > > well-presented book, and I have a friend who swears by it. He found > > > > those with anxiety have a lot in common with those with depression, > > > > so that book I mention is appropriate for depression as well). Other > > > > studies also show therapy has better results than medications (one > > > > study showed 30% improved with therapy, versus 19 % on medication.) > > > > And, while medications can help in the first six weeks in reducing > > > > symptoms, it is only those doing a regular exercise regimen that saw > > > > long term improvement and the sustained elevation of mood. > > > > > > > > Please educate yourself, and see what you think. I just don't like to > > > > see folks feel bad when the medications don't seem too effective. > > > > Personally I like knowing that good self-care has such a good track > > > > record~ I encourage you Doug to trust in what you will gain as you > > > > learn to use all the tools of recovery. > > > > > > > > May we all heal, and know that we are worth the work! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 25, 2010 Report Share Posted September 25, 2010 Dear Doug, I am relatively new on this message board, but I have to say that your messages have always stood out to me and I know that you have provided so much support and wisdom to so many here during some tough times (including myself!)and you are so much admired and appreciated! I only wish I had some of your wisdom to offer to you now It sounds like you've had window, albeit a fleeting one, into the happiness that you are striving for. I think it's baby steps with this and as time goes on, the windows become bigger and bigger. The idea of confronting so much pain in the process of healing can really seem too much to bear. I think that's where the idea of detachment can help. Trying to get into a place where you almost watch the depression and all of the nasty emotions that raise their ugly heads unfold as though they were a movie. When I get really " stuck " in a certain state of mind I find myself chanting " detachment and impermanence " to myself. It reminds me that I am not my thoughts and that my feelings will pass. Annie said early on that the depression isn't you. I think that is so important to remember. Well, sorry I didn't mean to rant You probably know all of this. I know it's not as easy as it sounds and I'm not sure if it's your cup of tea necessarily, just some tools I find helpful. Please, please please keep posting. We are all here for you! Take good care and be gentle and kind to yourself. Much warmth, healing and blessings, Lynda > > My friends, whose loving words of support during my battle have made me > teary several times, here is an update. > > I know many, perhaps most , of us battle this ugly black monkey. It is > such a temptation to give up. I know. So, as encouragement to those of > you battling and perhaps not getting help, and for you who pour out such > love and concern, to let you know because you do care, here is where we > are, 6 weeks after starting to fight back. > > One month now on SSRI s. Had to shift to Wellbutrin due to side effects > of Celexa. I don t feel like a worthless POS , failure, and like life > is a burden and hardly worth the effort to eat or get up constantly. > Now , I just feel that way most of the time. From time to time I feel > worthwhile. Once in a great while I have a moment of almost happiness. > I can at least force myself to care somewhat, and do some of the things > I enjoy. > > There is still a long way to go, and a lot of work to do. It sucks. > But if you are there, don t stay there. Hell, it may kill me. It may > kill you. But let s at least go down swinging. > > Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage, courage, > courage which matters. > > Winston Churchill > > Blessings all, > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 25, 2010 Report Share Posted September 25, 2010 Rant on Lynda. I ve begun to think there is something rather healing in a good healthy rant! I have a philosophy of healing that I extend to folks I counsel and mentor. I ll lay out tools on the table. I ll show you things that have worked for me, or for others. It is up to you to take from that table that which works for you and use it, and leave the rest lying there. That is all any of us can do. I can t make someone else heal. Nor can anyone, even my wonderful, wise, compassionate, amazing T , AJ. She can only help me peel off the layers, and see what is there. She can give me tools to help me deal with it, and as she recently said about my sad emotions, " Lets either kill them or make them happy. " AJ can t force me to get better, or deal with my shit, or heal. I must choose that for myself. It is hard to choose that, to believe I deserve that, or to continue wanting that. I still find myself hoping for a valid reason not to go to that T session with her on Wednesday. A lot of me still wants to quit. But she is such a damn cheerleader, she won t let me. And she is a friend, not simply a therapist. She is one of the few people in the world, of whom I truly believe , this woman chose to care for me, for no good reason. This woman will always give a damn if I live or die, and if I m happy or not. She really cares. I ve told her, that in her , I m able to gain a glimpse of God. So, I guess, as long as she wont quit, I won t quit. It is almost funny. I ve been a lay counselor and small group leader for some time. I mentor one on one, and in small groups, and help people with depression, addictions, relationship problems, all sorts of crap. I just can t apply what I know and do to others to myself. I just don t know where to start. I have no earthly idea what we will talk about on Wednesday. I can hardly remember my last meeting with her. I just know I ranted, found crap pouring out of me that I just couldnt seem to stop, and was in tears before it was over. And it was not a therapy session, it was a strategy session for one of our small groups. That was when she gently asserted that I might be depressed. Duh. Physician heal thyself is nonsense. We were designed by God to function in relationships. We help each other. We heal each other. We learn and heal and grow as we help others. Many of you have had such kind words about my little glimpses of wisdom or the divine. I must be honest, I do not write these things simply to help you guys, but in doing so I speak to myself as well. When I say, May we all heal, I m keenly aware that we heal each other. At times I m balanced and strong and able to reach down a firm hand and help someone up. Other times, I have to admit I need help and ask for it, and accept it. I find that galling! It hurts my pride. But I truly do need relationships. It is in relationships with others who hurt, and care, and are on the same journey, and in relationships, at times, with a trained professional, that I can heal. I can t do it myself God, that sucks! Trying to smile, Doug It reminds me that I am not my thoughts and that my feelings will pass. Annie said early on that the depression isn't you. I think that is so important to remember. > > Well, sorry I didn't mean to rant You probably know all of this. I know it's not as easy as it sounds and I'm not sure if it's your cup of tea necessarily, just some tools I find helpful. > > Please, please please keep posting. We are all here for you! > > Take good care and be gentle and kind to yourself. > > Much warmth, healing and blessings, > > Lynda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 26, 2010 Report Share Posted September 26, 2010 Doug--you wrote: " She is one of the few people in the world, of whom I truly believe, this woman chose to care for me, for no good reason. " Dude!! Don't you get it, my friend???? We all care!! And it's easy to care for a guy like you!! We all care for VERY good reason!! You're one of us. And arguably one of the best among us. You've sown seeds of care, wisdom, kindness, good cheer, inspiration, and hope to all of us. May we all have the privilege of returning just a tiny portion of that back to you. Not because we want to repay you (for you helped us freely, without an expectation of return) but because you are one of us and you deserve it just because you are human. That's what we are all here for. May you rest in the kindness and good wishes we all hold for you. And, before I go too far, let me say: I get it. reaching out is difficult. Too many KO stuff gets in the way. It's scary. Reaching out is hard for someone who loves to serve others. It's awful being a " bother, " even though you're really not. It's rough being in a vulnerable spot. It's much better being the strong one who helps others than the other way around. It really hits every trigger/coping mechanism we have. For every small way you reach out to others in hopes of receiving care, may you be rewarded 100 fold with kindness and love. Blessings, Karla > > Rant on Lynda. I ve begun to think there is something rather healing in > a good healthy rant! > > I have a philosophy of healing that I extend to folks I counsel and > mentor. I ll lay out tools on the table. I ll show you things that have > worked for me, or for others. It is up to you to take from that table > that which works for you and use it, and leave the rest lying there. > > That is all any of us can do. I can t make someone else heal. Nor can > anyone, even my wonderful, wise, compassionate, amazing T , AJ. She > can only help me peel off the layers, and see what is there. She can > give me tools to help me deal with it, and as she recently said about my > sad emotions, " Lets either kill them or make them happy. " > > AJ can t force me to get better, or deal with my shit, or heal. I must > choose that for myself. It is hard to choose that, to believe I deserve > that, or to continue wanting that. I still find myself hoping for a > valid reason not to go to that T session with her on Wednesday. A lot > of me still wants to quit. > > But she is such a damn cheerleader, she won t let me. And she is a > friend, not simply a therapist. She is one of the few people in the > world, of whom I truly believe , this woman chose to care for me, for no > good reason. This woman will always give a damn if I live or die, and > if I m happy or not. She really cares. I ve told her, that in her , I > m able to gain a glimpse of God. > > So, I guess, as long as she wont quit, I won t quit. > > It is almost funny. I ve been a lay counselor and small group leader > for some time. I mentor one on one, and in small groups, and help people > with depression, addictions, relationship problems, all sorts of crap. > > I just can t apply what I know and do to others to myself. I just don t > know where to start. I have no earthly idea what we will talk about on > Wednesday. I can hardly remember my last meeting with her. I just know > I ranted, found crap pouring out of me that I just couldnt seem to > stop, and was in tears before it was over. And it was not a therapy > session, it was a strategy session for one of our small groups. That was > when she gently asserted that I might be depressed. > > Duh. > > Physician heal thyself is nonsense. We were designed by God to function > in relationships. We help each other. We heal each other. We learn and > heal and grow as we help others. > > Many of you have had such kind words about my little glimpses of wisdom > or the divine. I must be honest, I do not write these things simply to > help you guys, but in doing so I speak to myself as well. When I say, > May we all heal, I m keenly aware that we heal each other. At times I m > balanced and strong and able to reach down a firm hand and help someone > up. Other times, I have to admit I need help and ask for it, and accept > it. > > I find that galling! It hurts my pride. But I truly do need > relationships. It is in relationships with others who hurt, and care, > and are on the same journey, and in relationships, at times, with a > trained professional, that I can heal. I can t do it myself > > God, that sucks! > > Trying to smile, > > Doug > It reminds me that I am not my thoughts and that my feelings will pass. > Annie said early on that the depression isn't you. I think that is so > important to remember. > > > > Well, sorry I didn't mean to rant You probably know all of this. I > know it's not as easy as it sounds and I'm not sure if it's your cup of > tea necessarily, just some tools I find helpful. > > > > Please, please please keep posting. We are all here for you! > > > > Take good care and be gentle and kind to yourself. > > > > Much warmth, healing and blessings, > > > > Lynda > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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