Re: Depression update

[Guest guest]

((((Doug)))))

A simple electroic hug from HF to Doug, cuz you need one.

[Guest guest]

The brain pan gets it. The heart reasons, if I m being the strong one,

if I m helping or protecting or lifting up a broken brother or sister,

then I m safe. I m not vulnerable.

The brain sees friends. The heart says, you worthless piece of crap.

You didnt even fix your own Mother. How can you fix anyone else. You

don t deserve friends.

And yea, it is hard to reach out, to be vulnerable. When did a KO ever

get to do that? We suck at self care. We were trained to be care

givers.

Still, if I don t care for myself, before long I won t have anything

left to give to my brothers and sisters here, or to the folks I counsel

at home, or anyone else.

I ve got to do the work. But damned if I want to!

I am forcing myself to get on here and respond and post. I need to let

some of what I ve been given out.

Blessings, my friends.

Truly truly I say, May we all heal.

Doug

>

> " She is one of the few people in the world, of whom I truly believe,

this woman chose to care for me, for no good reason. "

>

> Dude!! Don't you get it, my friend???? We all care!! And it's easy

to care for a guy like you!! We all care for VERY good reason!! You're

one of us. And arguably one of the best among us.

>

> You've sown seeds of care, wisdom, kindness, good cheer, inspiration,

and hope to all of us. May we all have the privilege of returning just

a tiny portion of that back to you. Not because we want to repay you

(for you helped us freely, without an expectation of return) but because

you are one of us and you deserve it just because you are human. That's

what we are all here for.

>

> May you rest in the kindness and good wishes we all hold for you.

>

> And, before I go too far, let me say: I get it. reaching out is

difficult. Too many KO stuff gets in the way. It's scary. Reaching

out is hard for someone who loves to serve others. It's awful being a

" bother, " even though you're really not. It's rough being in a

vulnerable spot. It's much better being the strong one who helps others

than the other way around. It really hits every trigger/coping

mechanism we have.

>

> For every small way you reach out to others in hopes of receiving

care, may you be rewarded 100 fold with kindness and love.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

[Guest guest]

Doug - Even in the midst of your own struggle, you're still providing us with

clear images that help us as we move toward better emotional health. The table

full of tools is a wonderful image. That's exactly what this board is for me -

some things work, some aren't applicable, some things just won't work for me.

But all along, the tools we're sharing and trying out are being handed to us

with wise and warm advice.

I enjoy your humor. I admire the fact that you're farther along this path than

most of us (having seen your relationship with your mom to its end), but still

willing to reach back and tell us what worked for you, and what didn't. You are

so valued here, by so many of us.

Hang in there, brother. The clouds will lift soon. You KNOW this state is

temporary.

> >

> > Rant on Lynda. I ve begun to think there is something rather healing in

> > a good healthy rant!

> >

> > I have a philosophy of healing that I extend to folks I counsel and

> > mentor. I ll lay out tools on the table. I ll show you things that have

> > worked for me, or for others. It is up to you to take from that table

> > that which works for you and use it, and leave the rest lying there.

> >

> > That is all any of us can do. I can t make someone else heal. Nor can

> > anyone, even my wonderful, wise, compassionate, amazing T , AJ. She

> > can only help me peel off the layers, and see what is there. She can

> > give me tools to help me deal with it, and as she recently said about my

> > sad emotions, " Lets either kill them or make them happy. "

> >

> > AJ can t force me to get better, or deal with my shit, or heal. I must

> > choose that for myself. It is hard to choose that, to believe I deserve

> > that, or to continue wanting that. I still find myself hoping for a

> > valid reason not to go to that T session with her on Wednesday. A lot

> > of me still wants to quit.

> >

> > But she is such a damn cheerleader, she won t let me. And she is a

> > friend, not simply a therapist. She is one of the few people in the

> > world, of whom I truly believe , this woman chose to care for me, for no

> > good reason. This woman will always give a damn if I live or die, and

> > if I m happy or not. She really cares. I ve told her, that in her , I

> > m able to gain a glimpse of God.

> >

> > So, I guess, as long as she wont quit, I won t quit.

> >

> > It is almost funny. I ve been a lay counselor and small group leader

> > for some time. I mentor one on one, and in small groups, and help people

> > with depression, addictions, relationship problems, all sorts of crap.

> >

> > I just can t apply what I know and do to others to myself. I just don t

> > know where to start. I have no earthly idea what we will talk about on

> > Wednesday. I can hardly remember my last meeting with her. I just know

> > I ranted, found crap pouring out of me that I just couldnt seem to

> > stop, and was in tears before it was over. And it was not a therapy

> > session, it was a strategy session for one of our small groups. That was

> > when she gently asserted that I might be depressed.

> >

> > Duh.

> >

> > Physician heal thyself is nonsense. We were designed by God to function

> > in relationships. We help each other. We heal each other. We learn and

> > heal and grow as we help others.

> >

> > Many of you have had such kind words about my little glimpses of wisdom

> > or the divine. I must be honest, I do not write these things simply to

> > help you guys, but in doing so I speak to myself as well. When I say,

> > May we all heal, I m keenly aware that we heal each other. At times I m

> > balanced and strong and able to reach down a firm hand and help someone

> > up. Other times, I have to admit I need help and ask for it, and accept

> > it.

> >

> > I find that galling! It hurts my pride. But I truly do need

> > relationships. It is in relationships with others who hurt, and care,

> > and are on the same journey, and in relationships, at times, with a

> > trained professional, that I can heal. I can t do it myself

> >

> > God, that sucks!

> >

> > Trying to smile,

> >

> > Doug

> > It reminds me that I am not my thoughts and that my feelings will pass.

> > Annie said early on that the depression isn't you. I think that is so

> > important to remember.

> > >

> > > Well, sorry I didn't mean to rant You probably know all of this. I

> > know it's not as easy as it sounds and I'm not sure if it's your cup of

> > tea necessarily, just some tools I find helpful.

> > >

> > > Please, please please keep posting. We are all here for you!

> > >

> > > Take good care and be gentle and kind to yourself.

> > >

> > > Much warmth, healing and blessings,

> > >

> > > Lynda

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've often said this about trust, but I believe it applies to vulnerability,

reaching out for support, and receiving support.

For most people, being vulnerable and receiving support are difficult and

painful choices. For us, it is not a choice at all. It is a skill. And a

skill we never had a chance to learn or develop.

Imagine someone shoving you off a building and telling you to " choose " to fly.

Without the skill/equipment/tools, you couldn't choose to fly any more than you

can " choose " to force your heart to receive a pure, sane measure of healthy and

genuine care.

So . . . I hope you are offering yourself a great deal of grace and leeway as

you create the skill of receiving care. You are doing all the right things and

making all the right choices. You are developing the very difficult skill of

receiving care and being vulnerable. And that's more than a notion! It takes a

very strong person, indeed, to be that " weak. "

Interesting theological question, if you will indulge me. Why did God make us

in such a way that we can only receive the strength of others by allowing

ourselves to become. . . the weak one? Having a community of healthy care

around us is the only way we can be full, strong humans. And yet, being fully

human within community requires us to be (on occassion at least) vulnerable. If

we are to expect the individual power of being woven into a healthy community of

care, we must, at times, expect that community to step up and carry the portion

of strength we " should " be responsible for.

Interesting juxtaposition. No need to respond, its just an interesting concept

to me.

Hmmmm . . .

You, my friend, are doing great. It is good to hear of your progress. And,

interestingly enough, I think we are all being served and strengthened by the

gift of trust you give us when you share your story. As we walk with you

through this, we increase our own healing as well.

Blessings,

Karla

> >

> > " She is one of the few people in the world, of whom I truly believe,

> this woman chose to care for me, for no good reason. "

> >

> > Dude!! Don't you get it, my friend???? We all care!! And it's easy

> to care for a guy like you!! We all care for VERY good reason!! You're

> one of us. And arguably one of the best among us.

> >

> > You've sown seeds of care, wisdom, kindness, good cheer, inspiration,

> and hope to all of us. May we all have the privilege of returning just

> a tiny portion of that back to you. Not because we want to repay you

> (for you helped us freely, without an expectation of return) but because

> you are one of us and you deserve it just because you are human. That's

> what we are all here for.

> >

> > May you rest in the kindness and good wishes we all hold for you.

> >

> > And, before I go too far, let me say: I get it. reaching out is

> difficult. Too many KO stuff gets in the way. It's scary. Reaching

> out is hard for someone who loves to serve others. It's awful being a

> " bother, " even though you're really not. It's rough being in a

> vulnerable spot. It's much better being the strong one who helps others

> than the other way around. It really hits every trigger/coping

> mechanism we have.

> >

> > For every small way you reach out to others in hopes of receiving

> care, may you be rewarded 100 fold with kindness and love.

> >

> > Blessings,

> > Karla

>

[Guest guest]

oh yesssssss.. we sure do know lots about caregiving and sooo little about

caring for ourselves.. and yet we all are persevering.. thanks doug for reaching

out here, for being vulnerable, for being yourself. 

and i agree, may we all heal, one day at a time, one moment at a time.. one

little 'pick me up after i slip and fall' at a time..blessings to you,ann

Subject: Re: Depression update

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Sunday, September 26, 2010, 6:12 PM

 

The brain pan gets it. The heart reasons, if I m being the strong one,

if I m helping or protecting or lifting up a broken brother or sister,

then I m safe. I m not vulnerable.

The brain sees friends. The heart says, you worthless piece of crap.

You didnt even fix your own Mother. How can you fix anyone else. You

don t deserve friends.

And yea, it is hard to reach out, to be vulnerable. When did a KO ever

get to do that? We suck at self care. We were trained to be care

givers.

Still, if I don t care for myself, before long I won t have anything

left to give to my brothers and sisters here, or to the folks I counsel

at home, or anyone else.

I ve got to do the work. But damned if I want to!

I am forcing myself to get on here and respond and post. I need to let

some of what I ve been given out.

Blessings, my friends.

Truly truly I say, May we all heal.

Doug

>

> " She is one of the few people in the world, of whom I truly believe,

this woman chose to care for me, for no good reason. "

>

> Dude!! Don't you get it, my friend???? We all care!! And it's easy

to care for a guy like you!! We all care for VERY good reason!! You're

one of us. And arguably one of the best among us.

>

> You've sown seeds of care, wisdom, kindness, good cheer, inspiration,

and hope to all of us. May we all have the privilege of returning just

a tiny portion of that back to you. Not because we want to repay you

(for you helped us freely, without an expectation of return) but because

you are one of us and you deserve it just because you are human. That's

what we are all here for.

>

> May you rest in the kindness and good wishes we all hold for you.

>

> And, before I go too far, let me say: I get it. reaching out is

difficult. Too many KO stuff gets in the way. It's scary. Reaching

out is hard for someone who loves to serve others. It's awful being a

" bother, " even though you're really not. It's rough being in a

vulnerable spot. It's much better being the strong one who helps others

than the other way around. It really hits every trigger/coping

mechanism we have.

>

> For every small way you reach out to others in hopes of receiving

care, may you be rewarded 100 fold with kindness and love.

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

[Guest guest]

Hey Doug, yay to your cheerleader therapist who won't let you quit and yay to

you for keeping on posting to let us know how you're doing!

I think the words that Karla wrote expressed beautifully how much your support

and wisdom has meant to all of us here and if we can give even just a little of

that back to you then we'll be happy folks indeed!

Keep up the good fight, keep believing that you deserve happiness, keep talking

and posting and please don't even contemplate doing it alone!! It takes courage

to share our vulnerabilities and as you said we really do help heal each other.

It is sharing with people that understand and care that makes our journey

bearable and our healing possible.

Much sunshine, smiles and happiness to you.

Lynda

>

> Rant on Lynda. I ve begun to think there is something rather healing in

> a good healthy rant!

>

> I have a philosophy of healing that I extend to folks I counsel and

> mentor. I ll lay out tools on the table. I ll show you things that have

> worked for me, or for others. It is up to you to take from that table

> that which works for you and use it, and leave the rest lying there.

>

> That is all any of us can do. I can t make someone else heal. Nor can

> anyone, even my wonderful, wise, compassionate, amazing T , AJ. She

> can only help me peel off the layers, and see what is there. She can

> give me tools to help me deal with it, and as she recently said about my

> sad emotions, " Lets either kill them or make them happy. "

>

> AJ can t force me to get better, or deal with my shit, or heal. I must

> choose that for myself. It is hard to choose that, to believe I deserve

> that, or to continue wanting that. I still find myself hoping for a

> valid reason not to go to that T session with her on Wednesday. A lot

> of me still wants to quit.

>

> But she is such a damn cheerleader, she won t let me. And she is a

> friend, not simply a therapist. She is one of the few people in the

> world, of whom I truly believe , this woman chose to care for me, for no

> good reason. This woman will always give a damn if I live or die, and

> if I m happy or not. She really cares. I ve told her, that in her , I

> m able to gain a glimpse of God.

>

> So, I guess, as long as she wont quit, I won t quit.

>

> It is almost funny. I ve been a lay counselor and small group leader

> for some time. I mentor one on one, and in small groups, and help people

> with depression, addictions, relationship problems, all sorts of crap.

>

> I just can t apply what I know and do to others to myself. I just don t

> know where to start. I have no earthly idea what we will talk about on

> Wednesday. I can hardly remember my last meeting with her. I just know

> I ranted, found crap pouring out of me that I just couldnt seem to

> stop, and was in tears before it was over. And it was not a therapy

> session, it was a strategy session for one of our small groups. That was

> when she gently asserted that I might be depressed.

>

> Duh.

>

> Physician heal thyself is nonsense. We were designed by God to function

> in relationships. We help each other. We heal each other. We learn and

> heal and grow as we help others.

>

> Many of you have had such kind words about my little glimpses of wisdom

> or the divine. I must be honest, I do not write these things simply to

> help you guys, but in doing so I speak to myself as well. When I say,

> May we all heal, I m keenly aware that we heal each other. At times I m

> balanced and strong and able to reach down a firm hand and help someone

> up. Other times, I have to admit I need help and ask for it, and accept

> it.

>

> I find that galling! It hurts my pride. But I truly do need

> relationships. It is in relationships with others who hurt, and care,

> and are on the same journey, and in relationships, at times, with a

> trained professional, that I can heal. I can t do it myself

>

> God, that sucks!

>

> Trying to smile,

>

> Doug

> It reminds me that I am not my thoughts and that my feelings will pass.

> Annie said early on that the depression isn't you. I think that is so

> important to remember.

> >

> > Well, sorry I didn't mean to rant You probably know all of this. I

> know it's not as easy as it sounds and I'm not sure if it's your cup of

> tea necessarily, just some tools I find helpful.

> >

> > Please, please please keep posting. We are all here for you!

> >

> > Take good care and be gentle and kind to yourself.

> >

> > Much warmth, healing and blessings,

> >

> > Lynda

>