Re: mom reaching out to MILs to prove me wrong - so annoying!

[Guest guest]

Yes, my nada would go behind my back and start relationships with my

friends - that I wasn't part of. Usually friends I had ended my friendships

with, making it very weird. And then she would want me to sit and listen to

her gossip about them.

I don't get it.

>

>

> Okay, I don't know why this bugged me so much, but it does.

>

> My in-laws, who have strong NPD traits, have a long, long history of

> selfish neglect towards my hubby.

>

> Dear hubby just had two major life-threatening surgeries. They didn't

> bother to come visit. I never expected them to - it's kind of par for the

> course.

>

> They didn't show up for his brother's wedding, for hubby's last major

> surgery, for the time his skull was beaten in by a criminal, etc. They never

> bothered to inquire why he dropped out of colleges (lack of funds, since

> they never helped him and only a couple of years ago asked him casually why

> he had " flunked out " ). They waited eight months- EIGHT MONTHS!- to ask him

> whether or not his tests for cancer were positive. (with big

> self-congratulatory smiles on their faces, like " See what great parents we

> are! We CARE! " )

>

> They always talk a big game about how UPSET they are and how much THEY

> CARE, for about two minutes before diverting back to the fascinating subject

> of their own lives.

>

> Bitter much? Yes, I guess I am.

>

> So my mom (in denial about BPD dad and bro, with strong NPD traits herself)

> has gotten it into her head that the reason they didn't visit is that I

> wasn't WELCOMING enough for them.

>

> She went so far as to research accommodations for them at the hospital.

>

> I told her not to bother, as they'd never show up.

>

> So my mom called them up herself, after the fact, and reported to me

> triumphantly that they said they were " very worried about my hubby, and were

> depressed for three weeks before his surgery " .

>

> As in " Ah ha! these are wonderful parents who you have totally

> misconstrued! "

>

> Has anyone else had a parent do this kind of thing - try to justify other

> bad parent's actions?

>

> It's so crazy making.

>

> Like yep, you've talked to these people three or four times, I've dealt

> with them for 11 years and seen how they've hurt the man I love, but I guess

> you know best.

>

> Letty

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Double wow. I know why it bugged you; that kind of behavior on the part of your

husband's parents is narcissistic, hateful and rejecting. AND the cherry on

top: your nada is colluding with your husband's nada and fada to abuse you guys

in stereo. Un-freakin-believable. And you still have contact with any of these

people? You are made of stronger stuff than me, it would appear.

Holy cow!

-Annie

>

> Okay, I don't know why this bugged me so much, but it does.

>

> My in-laws, who have strong NPD traits, have a long, long history of selfish

neglect towards my hubby.

>

> Dear hubby just had two major life-threatening surgeries. They didn't bother

to come visit. I never expected them to - it's kind of par for the course.

>

> They didn't show up for his brother's wedding, for hubby's last major surgery,

for the time his skull was beaten in by a criminal, etc. They never bothered to

inquire why he dropped out of colleges (lack of funds, since they never helped

him and only a couple of years ago asked him casually why he had " flunked out " ).

They waited eight months- EIGHT MONTHS!- to ask him whether or not his tests for

cancer were positive. (with big self-congratulatory smiles on their faces, like

" See what great parents we are! We CARE! " )

>

> They always talk a big game about how UPSET they are and how much THEY CARE,

for about two minutes before diverting back to the fascinating subject of their

own lives.

>

> Bitter much? Yes, I guess I am.

>

> So my mom (in denial about BPD dad and bro, with strong NPD traits herself)

has gotten it into her head that the reason they didn't visit is that I wasn't

WELCOMING enough for them.

>

> She went so far as to research accommodations for them at the hospital.

>

> I told her not to bother, as they'd never show up.

>

> So my mom called them up herself, after the fact, and reported to me

triumphantly that they said they were " very worried about my hubby, and were

depressed for three weeks before his surgery " .

>

> As in " Ah ha! these are wonderful parents who you have totally misconstrued! "

>

> Has anyone else had a parent do this kind of thing - try to justify other bad

parent's actions?

>

> It's so crazy making.

>

> Like yep, you've talked to these people three or four times, I've dealt with

them for 11 years and seen how they've hurt the man I love, but I guess you know

best.

>

> Letty

>

[Guest guest]

Oh god, you're surrounded by them!

RUN!

>

> Okay, I don't know why this bugged me so much, but it does.

>

> My in-laws, who have strong NPD traits, have a long, long history of selfish

neglect towards my hubby.

>

> Dear hubby just had two major life-threatening surgeries. They didn't bother

to come visit. I never expected them to - it's kind of par for the course.

>

> They didn't show up for his brother's wedding, for hubby's last major surgery,

for the time his skull was beaten in by a criminal, etc. They never bothered to

inquire why he dropped out of colleges (lack of funds, since they never helped

him and only a couple of years ago asked him casually why he had " flunked out " ).

They waited eight months- EIGHT MONTHS!- to ask him whether or not his tests for

cancer were positive. (with big self-congratulatory smiles on their faces, like

" See what great parents we are! We CARE! " )

>

> They always talk a big game about how UPSET they are and how much THEY CARE,

for about two minutes before diverting back to the fascinating subject of their

own lives.

>

> Bitter much? Yes, I guess I am.

>

> So my mom (in denial about BPD dad and bro, with strong NPD traits herself)

has gotten it into her head that the reason they didn't visit is that I wasn't

WELCOMING enough for them.

>

> She went so far as to research accommodations for them at the hospital.

>

> I told her not to bother, as they'd never show up.

>

> So my mom called them up herself, after the fact, and reported to me

triumphantly that they said they were " very worried about my hubby, and were

depressed for three weeks before his surgery " .

>

> As in " Ah ha! these are wonderful parents who you have totally misconstrued! "

>

> Has anyone else had a parent do this kind of thing - try to justify other bad

parent's actions?

>

> It's so crazy making.

>

> Like yep, you've talked to these people three or four times, I've dealt with

them for 11 years and seen how they've hurt the man I love, but I guess you know

best.

>

> Letty

>

[Guest guest]

Don't be silly! They LOVE us and CARE so much.

No, in some ways they actually do. In their own, purblind, oddly selfish,

clueless, occasionally cruel way, they do.

What I try hard to do, mostly, is recognize the bad stuff, label it clearly,

call them out on it when necessary, but aim for tolerance and understanding. Bad

as it was, they actually all did have it suckier than we did, as kids.

The hard part is holding yourself aloof without entirely letting go. To love

them so much, but not more. To trust them so much, but not more. To recognize

what I will get from them is severely curtailed and limited. To expect the worst

yet be surprised by moments of goodness. Or at least " okayness " , or normalcy.

I have gone NC with my parents in the past, but they are actually sort of better

now. And very old. And will be gone soon.

Sigh.

Not the family relationships I'd have chosen, but sadly it's what there is, so

I'm making the best of it.

That said, if they ever hurt new foster daughter (who they will almost never

see), I'm outta there like a shot.

Letty.

> >

> > Okay, I don't know why this bugged me so much, but it does.

> >

> > My in-laws, who have strong NPD traits, have a long, long history of selfish

neglect towards my hubby.

> >

> > Dear hubby just had two major life-threatening surgeries. They didn't bother

to come visit. I never expected them to - it's kind of par for the course.

> >

> > They didn't show up for his brother's wedding, for hubby's last major

surgery, for the time his skull was beaten in by a criminal, etc. They never

bothered to inquire why he dropped out of colleges (lack of funds, since they

never helped him and only a couple of years ago asked him casually why he had

" flunked out " ). They waited eight months- EIGHT MONTHS!- to ask him whether or

not his tests for cancer were positive. (with big self-congratulatory smiles on

their faces, like " See what great parents we are! We CARE! " )

> >

> > They always talk a big game about how UPSET they are and how much THEY CARE,

for about two minutes before diverting back to the fascinating subject of their

own lives.

> >

> > Bitter much? Yes, I guess I am.

> >

> > So my mom (in denial about BPD dad and bro, with strong NPD traits herself)

has gotten it into her head that the reason they didn't visit is that I wasn't

WELCOMING enough for them.

> >

> > She went so far as to research accommodations for them at the hospital.

> >

> > I told her not to bother, as they'd never show up.

> >

> > So my mom called them up herself, after the fact, and reported to me

triumphantly that they said they were " very worried about my hubby, and were

depressed for three weeks before his surgery " .

> >

> > As in " Ah ha! these are wonderful parents who you have totally

misconstrued! "

> >

> > Has anyone else had a parent do this kind of thing - try to justify other

bad parent's actions?

> >

> > It's so crazy making.

> >

> > Like yep, you've talked to these people three or four times, I've dealt with

them for 11 years and seen how they've hurt the man I love, but I guess you know

best.

> >

> > Letty

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Letty, oh yes this is familiar to me as my FOO has some N traits and my father

is NPD for real. They make a big production about how *caring* they are, so

much so that then you look like the jerk if you call them on it. How do you say

to someone " No, you are lying - I know you don't care and are putting on an

act. " Sounds crazy... Sorry to hear your mother is adding some unfortunate

worsening to the situation. It's like one PD person will justify the actions of

another PD person because it's scary to them to hear " the target " starting to

wake up to what's going on. She may fear what ways you might wake up regarding

her actions next!

> > >

> > > Okay, I don't know why this bugged me so much, but it does.

> > >

> > > My in-laws, who have strong NPD traits, have a long, long history of

selfish neglect towards my hubby.

> > >

> > > Dear hubby just had two major life-threatening surgeries. They didn't

bother to come visit. I never expected them to - it's kind of par for the

course.

> > >

> > > They didn't show up for his brother's wedding, for hubby's last major

surgery, for the time his skull was beaten in by a criminal, etc. They never

bothered to inquire why he dropped out of colleges (lack of funds, since they

never helped him and only a couple of years ago asked him casually why he had

" flunked out " ). They waited eight months- EIGHT MONTHS!- to ask him whether or

not his tests for cancer were positive. (with big self-congratulatory smiles on

their faces, like " See what great parents we are! We CARE! " )

> > >

> > > They always talk a big game about how UPSET they are and how much THEY

CARE, for about two minutes before diverting back to the fascinating subject of

their own lives.

> > >

> > > Bitter much? Yes, I guess I am.

> > >

> > > So my mom (in denial about BPD dad and bro, with strong NPD traits

herself) has gotten it into her head that the reason they didn't visit is that I

wasn't WELCOMING enough for them.

> > >

> > > She went so far as to research accommodations for them at the hospital.

> > >

> > > I told her not to bother, as they'd never show up.

> > >

> > > So my mom called them up herself, after the fact, and reported to me

triumphantly that they said they were " very worried about my hubby, and were

depressed for three weeks before his surgery " .

> > >

> > > As in " Ah ha! these are wonderful parents who you have totally

misconstrued! "

> > >

> > > Has anyone else had a parent do this kind of thing - try to justify other

bad parent's actions?

> > >

> > > It's so crazy making.

> > >

> > > Like yep, you've talked to these people three or four times, I've dealt

with them for 11 years and seen how they've hurt the man I love, but I guess you

know best.

> > >

> > > Letty

> > >

> >

>