Re: Eloped...and the emotional blackmail/fallout

September 15, 2010

Nolegirl - Congratulations and best of luck to you and your new husband! Don't

let the FOO mar the joy.

Why don't you put a picture and an announcement in the hometown paper? Then it

will be out there for everybody in town to see. If the FOO are embarrassed at

being left out, that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell the world your good news. A

newspaper announcement describes your accomplishments and makes it clear you

aren't skulking off to some back alley in shame.

And by all means have a big party for the people you love - it can be a picnic,

luau, or bbq, it doesn't have to be a formal reception - and invite members of

the FOO or not, as you like - but only if they can be trusted to behave

themselves and share in the celebration. If not, let 'em stay home, stew in

their own sour juices, and hear about it later.

>

> So on Friday, my fiance' of 2.5 years and I eloped. We had been planning for

a month after nada backed out of paying for our original wedding as revenge for

me refusing to travel 8 hours one-way back to visit her and for me refusing to

disclose large amounts of personal information. Of course, she later denied

saying ANY of that at all. I made it up, apparently.

>

> I should go on to say that in the past 3.5 years my now husband and I have

been together, my nada and her FOO have been overall unwelcoming of him. He is

a fantastic, smart man who treats me extremely well, but he is older than me and

has children who he has sole custody of and therefore live with us. Keep in

mind he is supportive in my role as stepparent to his children, supported me

through college and now graduate school, and overall adores me (even the women

in the chapel we eloped to said how lucky I was since he was so obviously in

love with me). But, he doesn't hesitate to stand up to nada and doesn't allow

her to repeatedly abuse me as she had for so many years. Because he finally

gave me strength to see through the FOG and stand up for myself, nada hates him.

He is the worst person in the world, who is obviously abusing and using me.

>

> I called nada about an hour before the ceremony and simply said I was just

calling to let her know I was getting married that night. Of course, this isn't

because we simply love each other to nada - it's because I'm pregnant

supposedly, or he manipulated me into agreeing to marrying him. I hung up on

her, hugged my friend, and walked myself down the aisle 45 minutes later.

>

> Nada waited until Monday to call me, and sounded surprisingly....calm. Almost

a resigned acceptance in her voice. But of course, she didn't tell the rest of

her FOO. One of the biggest issues in these almost 4 years is that Nada has

tried her hardest to treat my relationship as the shameful secret. She and the

rest of my FOO are very concerned about appearances in their small town. The

fact that I wasn't with a doctor or lawyer was crushing and humiliating to them.

Because of this, my husband has never been warmly welcomed. Some periods it has

seemed that they are finally accepting, only to reject again. None of my FOO

acknowledged our engagement. It was something I was repeatedly shamed for.

>

> Today, Nada has been leaving persistent messages stating that someone in the

town saw the announcement on Facebook, unknowingly congratulated my aunt, who

was then shocked and went to tell my grandparents. Of course, all of this would

have been avoided had nada told the FOO as any normal, excited mother would have

done. Now, I am being blamed for my grandfather's heart palpitations, my

grandmother's refusal to leave the house, and both their tears not because they

aren't happy for me (supposedly) but because they wanted to be there and because

they don't want people to know the FOO didn't know. Nada is begging me to

consider the FOO when posting anything on Facebook and not allow anything to be

" misconstrued. "

>

> My grandparents did essentially raise me, since nada was too mentally ill and

childlike to do so herself, so I do feel guilty BUT they have also enabled her

time and again at my expense. I don't feel like I'm being cruel for feeling,

quite frankly, that they all have gotten what they deserved. I have caught

endless grief and guilt for the past 3.5 years for my relationship with my

husband from my nada and grandparents, with little acknowledgment or pride from

them for what I have accomplished - finding a good-hearted man, raising two

children who needed a parent, finishing college and starting graduate school.

Why would I be eager to share the news of our marriage when I have been raked

over the coals every other time I have shared my good news? My friends and my

father's family, while shocked, have been overjoyed for my husband and myself.

I just refused to be beat down anymore, and if it has to be at the expense of my

FOO's feelings, as guilty as I feel about that, then so be it.

>

> Sorry, I really needed to get all that out.

>

September 15, 2010

Well whether your FOO are happy for you or not, at least you can get the proper

response on this board! Which is congratulations! It sounds like you have found

a wonderful husband who is supportive of you and loves you. I wish you the best

of luck.

Aren't you glad you DIDN'T invite your nada? She probably would have tried to

make you miserable on what should be a wonderful day. Enjoy your new family and

don't worry about the FOO drama. Don't feel guilty for your happiness, no matter

what you did/didn't do it wouldn't make them happy. You can only account for

your OWN happiness, not theirs.

Casey