Re: Thanks...and letting go questions

[Guest guest]

,

Yes grief, guilt, uncertainty, anger, and depression were all feelings I

went through when the realization came that I needed to go NC. It took me

months to admit to myself that NC forever is the only way. I started with

" I will not respond to her, she can call when she want to work it out " went

to " She will need to admit responsibility before I will have her around my

children " to trying to set boundaries weather or not she admitted fault she

had to play by the rules and now I have realized that she will not respect

boundaries and needs to just stay away.

I grieved for the few good time and the motherly support I wished I had. I

was angry that a mother would treat her daughter so poorly. I was depressed

that my FOO was blaming me and taking her side. I realized then that if I

was going to cut nada out I would lose most of my family. And, uncertainty

for what the future holds. Am I doing the right thing? What will nada do

for revenge? Is cutting her off worth facing her wrath? ect ect

Hang in there. Do what is best for YOU. Remember that it is highly

unlikely he will ever change. If he does change it will likely last only a

very short time. You have been held responsible for him far too long and

need to take care of yourself. Once you get through all the grief and

emotions(mostly through) you will be able to make reasonable decisions

regarding the relationship. You can always reevaluate the situation

anytime.

[Guest guest]

Yes, the grieving process. When my Sister told me about how our nada had

verbally attacked her to the point that she was ready to go No Contact, and

Sister told me the content of nada's accusations and attacks, I was suddenly

struck emotionally in a way that almost literally felt like a punch to the

stomach: it was as though my Sister had told me our mother had died. I burst

into tears and grieved for quite a long time. I guess what had really died was

the last vestige of hope that our mother loved us. Nada's accusations were just

so particularly hurtful to me, it was both shocking and painful to hear the

truth of how she really thinks and feels about me, and about Sister. It wasn't

that I hadn't heard my mother say hateful, mean things before, it was that I'd

finally accepted what these things actually *mean.*

It finally became clear to me that my mother, deep down at the most core level

of her being, actually dislikes me, disrespects me, and may even despise me. It

explains how and why when she's nice and kind sometimes, its just a mask. She

covers up her real feelings with an overlay of niceness, but when stressed she

lets her real feelings out. You don't say such things to or about someone you

actually, deep down, really love; you only feel and think those things about

someone you hate.

So, my whole lifelong relationship with my mother has been a bewildering

confusion of trying to love and be close to someone who rather often treated me

as though she hated me, all the while saying that she loved me. And I was

always at a disadvantage, having NO objectivity because as an infant I was

programmed, hardwired to bond like superglue to my own mother.

It just struck me so clearly, all of a sudden. You really don't say vicious,

hateful, demeaning, shaming things intended literally to destroy another person,

if you love them. That's not love.

So I grieved that I allowed myself to take in and accept the concept that

underneath it all, my mother really doesn't love me, and that we'd decided to

stop pretending that we did.

-Annie

>

> Hi,

> Thanks for all the supportive emails in reply to my post the other

day,(re:does my dad have BP)it's good to know there are people out there.

> Also wondering, does everyone experience the GRIEF of realizing that one has

no chice but to go NC? When you've tried everything to make things get better in

the relationship and then you realize after how many years that nothing has

really changed and you have to walk away after all.

> In one way it feels a huge relief to realize that I will be able to live my

own life and let go all that fear and and mental fog, but actually stepping back

and looking at my life objectively for once makes me realize that I've missed so

much over the years from trying to cope. Myself, family members and general

feelings of hope and freedom.

> Also because one of my fada's biggest problems is suicide threats it is pretty

scary to let that go and realize that I may never have the chance to communicate

with him again. One of the reasons I tried so long is that I think I do love him

one one level or did once. But one can't hold on to someone like that because in

the end they just drag you down.

> It also feels pretty strange to walk away from all that, I don't know what

life is like without it!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think too, she doesn't see you as a separate person from herself. And she

hates herself. So she hates you.

It is personal. But at the same time its not personal, because if she's like

my nada, she doesn't even know you. She doesnt' have the foggiest idea what

your favorite color, hopes and dreams or greatest fear is. She only sees

herself. And thats probably why she is so miserable. Imagine being a

horrible person in a world where there is nothing but you - no comic relief,

no hobbies, interests or accomplishments. Only your miserable self . . .

Awful!

On Sat, Aug 21, 2010 at 10:21 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> Yes, the grieving process. When my Sister told me about how our nada

> hobbihad verbally attacked her to the point that she was ready to go No

> Contact, and Sister told me the content of nada's accusations and attacks, I

> was suddenly struck emotionally in a way that almost literally felt like a

> punch to the stomach: it was as though my Sister had told me our mother had

> died. I burst into tears and grieved for quite a long time. I guess what had

> really died was the last vestige of hope that our mother loved us. Nada's

> accusations were just so particularly hurtful to me, it was both shocking

> and painful to hear the truth of how she really thinks and feels about me,

> and about Sister. It wasn't that I hadn't heard my mother say hateful, mean

> things before, it was that I'd finally accepted what these things actually

> *mean.*

>

> It finally became clear to me that my mother, deep down at the most core

> level of her being, actually dislikes me, disrespects me, and may even

> despise me. It explains how and why when she's nice and kind sometimes, its

> just a mask. She covers up her real feelings with an overlay of niceness,

> but when stressed she lets her real feelings out. You don't say such things

> to or about someone you actually, deep down, really love; you only feel and

> think those things about someone you hate.

>

> So, my whole lifelong relationship with my mother has been a bewildering

> confusion of trying to love and be close to someone who rather often treated

> me as though she hated me, all the while saying that she loved me. And I was

> always at a disadvantage, having NO objectivity because as an infant I was

> programmed, hardwired to bond like superglue to my own mother.

>

> It just struck me so clearly, all of a sudden. You really don't say

> vicious, hateful, demeaning, shaming things intended literally to destroy

> another person, if you love them. That's not love.

>

> So I grieved that I allowed myself to take in and accept the concept that

> underneath it all, my mother really doesn't love me, and that we'd decided

> to stop pretending that we did.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi,

> > Thanks for all the supportive emails in reply to my post the other

> day,(re:does my dad have BP)it's good to know there are people out there.

> > Also wondering, does everyone experience the GRIEF of realizing that one

> has no chice but to go NC? When you've tried everything to make things get

> better in the relationship and then you realize after how many years that

> nothing has really changed and you have to walk away after all.

> > In one way it feels a huge relief to realize that I will be able to live

> my own life and let go all that fear and and mental fog, but actually

> stepping back and looking at my life objectively for once makes me realize

> that I've missed so much over the years from trying to cope. Myself, family

> members and general feelings of hope and freedom.

> > Also because one of my fada's biggest problems is suicide threats it is

> pretty scary to let that go and realize that I may never have the chance to

> communicate with him again. One of the reasons I tried so long is that I

> think I do love him one one level or did once. But one can't hold on to

> someone like that because in the end they just drag you down.

> > It also feels pretty strange to walk away from all that, I don't know

> what life is like without it!

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

The way you describe your first reactions sounds fairly similar to mine. Also,

although I had realized how things were before to some extent, it was by talking

to my Sister that I managed to see things really clearly for the first time as

well as you. She has been NC with fada for three years now and I went and

brought things up with her after a long split with her myself (a lot to do with

my dad's behavior but also separate things as well) It was the first time I ever

felt able to talk to her about these issues and was such a relief! I'm hoping

that if I do have to permanantly go NC with my dad then at least my relationship

with my sister might have a chance to heal.

> >

> > Hi,

> > Thanks for all the supportive emails in reply to my post the other

day,(re:does my dad have BP)it's good to know there are people out there.

> > Also wondering, does everyone experience the GRIEF of realizing that one has

no chice but to go NC? When you've tried everything to make things get better in

the relationship and then you realize after how many years that nothing has

really changed and you have to walk away after all.

> > In one way it feels a huge relief to realize that I will be able to live my

own life and let go all that fear and and mental fog, but actually stepping back

and looking at my life objectively for once makes me realize that I've missed so

much over the years from trying to cope. Myself, family members and general

feelings of hope and freedom.

> > Also because one of my fada's biggest problems is suicide threats it is

pretty scary to let that go and realize that I may never have the chance to

communicate with him again. One of the reasons I tried so long is that I think I

do love him one one level or did once. But one can't hold on to someone like

that because in the end they just drag you down.

> > It also feels pretty strange to walk away from all that, I don't know what

life is like without it!

> >

> >

> >

>