Guest guest Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 OMG, I'd forgotten how she used to say I was stronger than her! Wow! > > > Hey All- > > I just noticed this article (below) on another forum for people with BPD > siblings. It's a nice little summary of what happens to kids who are made to > emotionally or physically parent their own parents. > > I've been thinking about this stuff lately since I was made to do this > (emotionally) for my mom and BPD dad and my foster daughter was made to do > this for her low-functioning BPD mom. > > My mom still doesn't totally get it. When my husband was having > life-threatening surgery recently, she remarked " Well, (foster daughter) > seems like a level headed person. She can come to the hospital and comfort > you! " > > That's right, she assumed I would be leaning emotionally on a 13 year old > child who'd just been through a bunch of trauma and was now worrying about > losing her foster dad in the first stable family she'd ever known. Oh, and > who had had numerous prior traumatic experiences at the hospital with her > own messed-up family members. > > Right. " Come on over here, honey! And bring mama some kleenex so I can sob > on your teeny little shoulder! " Sure, sounds like a good plan. Honorable, > upright, admirable. > > My mom seemed mildly surprised when I responded that actually, our goal was > to REASSURE foster daughter and PLAY with her and let her still be a KID > while all the DRAMA was going on at a distance from her. That we would make > sure she had comfort, fun, and emotional support while I was busy at the > hospital, and that when I got home it would be all about HER, not how > worried I was. > > She actually said something like " Oh, she can get by on her own. She's had > to before " . > > Mind you, this is the same mom who once told me " I know your father and > brother are abusing you, but you've always been stronger than me so I figure > you can deal with abuse better than I can deal with admitting it. " So what > did I expect? > > Anyway, here's the article: > > > http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-hi\ m-your-parent/ > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 Mine said that too....and would make me do difficult things becouse I ws emotional stronger then her Stefanie On Tue, Sep 7, 2010 at 9:33 PM, Girlscout Cowboy wrote: > OMG, I'd forgotten how she used to say I was stronger than her! Wow! > > > >> >> >> Hey All- >> >> I just noticed this article (below) on another forum for people with BPD >> siblings. It's a nice little summary of what happens to kids who are made to >> emotionally or physically parent their own parents. >> >> I've been thinking about this stuff lately since I was made to do this >> (emotionally) for my mom and BPD dad and my foster daughter was made to do >> this for her low-functioning BPD mom. >> >> My mom still doesn't totally get it. When my husband was having >> life-threatening surgery recently, she remarked " Well, (foster daughter) >> seems like a level headed person. She can come to the hospital and comfort >> you! " >> >> That's right, she assumed I would be leaning emotionally on a 13 year old >> child who'd just been through a bunch of trauma and was now worrying about >> losing her foster dad in the first stable family she'd ever known. Oh, and >> who had had numerous prior traumatic experiences at the hospital with her >> own messed-up family members. >> >> Right. " Come on over here, honey! And bring mama some kleenex so I can sob >> on your teeny little shoulder! " Sure, sounds like a good plan. Honorable, >> upright, admirable. >> >> My mom seemed mildly surprised when I responded that actually, our goal was >> to REASSURE foster daughter and PLAY with her and let her still be a KID >> while all the DRAMA was going on at a distance from her. That we would make >> sure she had comfort, fun, and emotional support while I was busy at the >> hospital, and that when I got home it would be all about HER, not how >> worried I was. >> >> She actually said something like " Oh, she can get by on her own. She's had >> to before " . >> >> Mind you, this is the same mom who once told me " I know your father and >> brother are abusing you, but you've always been stronger than me so I figure >> you can deal with abuse better than I can deal with admitting it. " So what >> did I expect? >> >> Anyway, here's the article: >> >> >> http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-hi\ m-your-parent/ >> >> >> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 Mine always says that... from as far back as I can remember. She says it to this day. Im smarter, stronger, wiser, more ambitious and more capable. Then she turns around and rips me apart for being those very things. Fun times Lynnette > > > > > > > Hey All- > > > > I just noticed this article (below) on another forum for people with BPD > > siblings. It's a nice little summary of what happens to kids who are made to > > emotionally or physically parent their own parents. > > > > I've been thinking about this stuff lately since I was made to do this > > (emotionally) for my mom and BPD dad and my foster daughter was made to do > > this for her low-functioning BPD mom. > > > > My mom still doesn't totally get it. When my husband was having > > life-threatening surgery recently, she remarked " Well, (foster daughter) > > seems like a level headed person. She can come to the hospital and comfort > > you! " > > > > That's right, she assumed I would be leaning emotionally on a 13 year old > > child who'd just been through a bunch of trauma and was now worrying about > > losing her foster dad in the first stable family she'd ever known. Oh, and > > who had had numerous prior traumatic experiences at the hospital with her > > own messed-up family members. > > > > Right. " Come on over here, honey! And bring mama some kleenex so I can sob > > on your teeny little shoulder! " Sure, sounds like a good plan. Honorable, > > upright, admirable. > > > > My mom seemed mildly surprised when I responded that actually, our goal was > > to REASSURE foster daughter and PLAY with her and let her still be a KID > > while all the DRAMA was going on at a distance from her. That we would make > > sure she had comfort, fun, and emotional support while I was busy at the > > hospital, and that when I got home it would be all about HER, not how > > worried I was. > > > > She actually said something like " Oh, she can get by on her own. She's had > > to before " . > > > > Mind you, this is the same mom who once told me " I know your father and > > brother are abusing you, but you've always been stronger than me so I figure > > you can deal with abuse better than I can deal with admitting it. " So what > > did I expect? > > > > Anyway, here's the article: > > > > > > http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-hi\ m-your-parent/ > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 Ah yes, the perpetual " no win " scenario. I was told by my nada that I was " just like " her, and then told how homely, unintelligent, ungrateful or disappointing I was, but at other times I was told I was " weird " because I *wasn't* like nada. I simply could not win. And I was never just " me " . I don't think I've ever existed for my nada as an separate, individual, living human being. I was and am her reflection, her appendage, or her property, never simply another person. -Annie > > > > > > > > > > > Hey All- > > > > > > I just noticed this article (below) on another forum for people with BPD > > > siblings. It's a nice little summary of what happens to kids who are made to > > > emotionally or physically parent their own parents. > > > > > > I've been thinking about this stuff lately since I was made to do this > > > (emotionally) for my mom and BPD dad and my foster daughter was made to do > > > this for her low-functioning BPD mom. > > > > > > My mom still doesn't totally get it. When my husband was having > > > life-threatening surgery recently, she remarked " Well, (foster daughter) > > > seems like a level headed person. She can come to the hospital and comfort > > > you! " > > > > > > That's right, she assumed I would be leaning emotionally on a 13 year old > > > child who'd just been through a bunch of trauma and was now worrying about > > > losing her foster dad in the first stable family she'd ever known. Oh, and > > > who had had numerous prior traumatic experiences at the hospital with her > > > own messed-up family members. > > > > > > Right. " Come on over here, honey! And bring mama some kleenex so I can sob > > > on your teeny little shoulder! " Sure, sounds like a good plan. Honorable, > > > upright, admirable. > > > > > > My mom seemed mildly surprised when I responded that actually, our goal was > > > to REASSURE foster daughter and PLAY with her and let her still be a KID > > > while all the DRAMA was going on at a distance from her. That we would make > > > sure she had comfort, fun, and emotional support while I was busy at the > > > hospital, and that when I got home it would be all about HER, not how > > > worried I was. > > > > > > She actually said something like " Oh, she can get by on her own. She's had > > > to before " . > > > > > > Mind you, this is the same mom who once told me " I know your father and > > > brother are abusing you, but you've always been stronger than me so I figure > > > you can deal with abuse better than I can deal with admitting it. " So what > > > did I expect? > > > > > > Anyway, here's the article: > > > > > > > > > http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-hi\ m-your-parent/ > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2010 Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 *sigh* Reading that brought back many memories of her confiding in me. Me taking care of her constantly because of course she was constantly " sick " or " weak " and needed help. At the time I felt important, and needed. Now, I just feel robbed. > > Hey All- > > I just noticed this article (below) on another forum for people with BPD siblings. It's a nice little summary of what happens to kids who are made to emotionally or physically parent their own parents. > > I've been thinking about this stuff lately since I was made to do this (emotionally) for my mom and BPD dad and my foster daughter was made to do this for her low-functioning BPD mom. > > My mom still doesn't totally get it. When my husband was having life-threatening surgery recently, she remarked " Well, (foster daughter) seems like a level headed person. She can come to the hospital and comfort you! " > > That's right, she assumed I would be leaning emotionally on a 13 year old child who'd just been through a bunch of trauma and was now worrying about losing her foster dad in the first stable family she'd ever known. Oh, and who had had numerous prior traumatic experiences at the hospital with her own messed-up family members. > > Right. " Come on over here, honey! And bring mama some kleenex so I can sob on your teeny little shoulder! " Sure, sounds like a good plan. Honorable, upright, admirable. > > My mom seemed mildly surprised when I responded that actually, our goal was to REASSURE foster daughter and PLAY with her and let her still be a KID while all the DRAMA was going on at a distance from her. That we would make sure she had comfort, fun, and emotional support while I was busy at the hospital, and that when I got home it would be all about HER, not how worried I was. > > She actually said something like " Oh, she can get by on her own. She's had to before " . > > Mind you, this is the same mom who once told me " I know your father and brother are abusing you, but you've always been stronger than me so I figure you can deal with abuse better than I can deal with admitting it. " So what did I expect? > > > Anyway, here's the article: > > > http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-hi\ m-your-parent/ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2010 Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 Letty, thanks for the article. This one part jumped out at me (I was most certainly a " parentified " child): " Difficulty with Adult Attachments: The parentified adult child can experience hardship in connecting with friends, spouse, and his/her children. This person could be operating out of deficits in knowing how to attach. Hence he/she could find it difficult to experience healthy intimacy in relationships. Relationships will tend to be distorted on some level. " Attachments have been very, very hard for me all of my adult life. I feel like it's only now, at 42, that I'm making strides in this area b/c I'm intentional about it, about moving past the message drilled into me from childhood that " we don't need anybody but the 4 of us, that's it. You can't count on friends (and this would come to include my husband, as far as my parents were concerned). " I hope your husband is doing much, much better and good for you for putting your daughter's needs above your own. > > Hey All- > > I just noticed this article (below) on another forum for people with BPD siblings. It's a nice little summary of what happens to kids who are made to emotionally or physically parent their own parents. > > I've been thinking about this stuff lately since I was made to do this (emotionally) for my mom and BPD dad and my foster daughter was made to do this for her low-functioning BPD mom. > > My mom still doesn't totally get it. When my husband was having life-threatening surgery recently, she remarked " Well, (foster daughter) seems like a level headed person. She can come to the hospital and comfort you! " > > That's right, she assumed I would be leaning emotionally on a 13 year old child who'd just been through a bunch of trauma and was now worrying about losing her foster dad in the first stable family she'd ever known. Oh, and who had had numerous prior traumatic experiences at the hospital with her own messed-up family members. > > Right. " Come on over here, honey! And bring mama some kleenex so I can sob on your teeny little shoulder! " Sure, sounds like a good plan. Honorable, upright, admirable. > > My mom seemed mildly surprised when I responded that actually, our goal was to REASSURE foster daughter and PLAY with her and let her still be a KID while all the DRAMA was going on at a distance from her. That we would make sure she had comfort, fun, and emotional support while I was busy at the hospital, and that when I got home it would be all about HER, not how worried I was. > > She actually said something like " Oh, she can get by on her own. She's had to before " . > > Mind you, this is the same mom who once told me " I know your father and brother are abusing you, but you've always been stronger than me so I figure you can deal with abuse better than I can deal with admitting it. " So what did I expect? > > > Anyway, here's the article: > > > http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-hi\ m-your-parent/ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2010 Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 Thanks for sharing this article! I have been in the " parentification " role for too many years now! I am so glad I found this site...its really helping me to know others have encountered the same exact thing as I have... -Marcie > >> >> >> Hey All- >> >> I just noticed this article (below) on another forum for people with BPD >> siblings. It's a nice little summary of what happens to kids who are made to >> emotionally or physically parent their own parents. >> >> I've been thinking about this stuff lately since I was made to do this >> (emotionally) for my mom and BPD dad and my foster daughter was made to do >> this for her low-functioning BPD mom. >> >> My mom still doesn't totally get it. When my husband was having >> life-threatening surgery recently, she remarked " Well, (foster daughter) >> seems like a level headed person. She can come to the hospital and comfort >> you! " >> >> That's right, she assumed I would be leaning emotionally on a 13 year old >> child who'd just been through a bunch of trauma and was now worrying about >> losing her foster dad in the first stable family she'd ever known. Oh, and >> who had had numerous prior traumatic experiences at the hospital with her >> own messed-up family members. >> >> Right. " Come on over here, honey! And bring mama some kleenex so I can sob >> on your teeny little shoulder! " Sure, sounds like a good plan. Honorable, >> upright, admirable. >> >> My mom seemed mildly surprised when I responded that actually, our goal was >> to REASSURE foster daughter and PLAY with her and let her still be a KID >> while all the DRAMA was going on at a distance from her. That we would make >> sure she had comfort, fun, and emotional support while I was busy at the >> hospital, and that when I got home it would be all about HER, not how >> worried I was. >> >> She actually said something like " Oh, she can get by on her own. She's had >> to before " . >> >> Mind you, this is the same mom who once told me " I know your father and >> brother are abusing you, but you've always been stronger than me so I figure >> you can deal with abuse better than I can deal with admitting it. " So what >> did I expect? >> >> Anyway, here's the article: >> >> >> http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-hi\ m-your-parent/ >> >> >> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 8, 2010 Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 Good article, although I still can't say I agree with the terms emotional incest, I would have rephrased it to say inappropirate relationship between mother an son. My mother tried to accuse my father of having emotinoal incest with his sister when they were just talking together. I know I was the parentified kid all the way!  TOo bad more poeple don't catch these people when they are doing it and help the kid out. My nada's friends usually never got it either which is why I started to refuse to speak with them. Espeically that last one, I would have blown a head gasket at her if she demanded that I deal with my mother despite I had been in the ER the night before myself and a month later when I had to take care of my son because the had had his tonsils out. GRRRRRRRRRRRR prolfaf > >> >> >> Hey All- >> >> I just noticed this article (below) on another forum for people with BPD >> siblings. It's a nice little summary of what happens to kids who are made to >> emotionally or physically parent their own parents. >> >> I've been thinking about this stuff lately since I was made to do this >> (emotionally) for my mom and BPD dad and my foster daughter was made to do >> this for her low-functioning BPD mom. >> >> My mom still doesn't totally get it. When my husband was having >> life-threatening surgery recently, she remarked " Well, (foster daughter) >> seems like a level headed person. She can come to the hospital and comfort >> you! " >> >> That's right, she assumed I would be leaning emotionally on a 13 year old >> child who'd just been through a bunch of trauma and was now worrying about >> losing her foster dad in the first stable family she'd ever known. Oh, and >> who had had numerous prior traumatic experiences at the hospital with her >> own messed-up family members. >> >> Right. " Come on over here, honey! And bring mama some kleenex so I can sob >> on your teeny little shoulder! " Sure, sounds like a good plan. Honorable, >> upright, admirable. >> >> My mom seemed mildly surprised when I responded that actually, our goal was >> to REASSURE foster daughter and PLAY with her and let her still be a KID >> while all the DRAMA was going on at a distance from her. That we would make >> sure she had comfort, fun, and emotional support while I was busy at the >> hospital, and that when I got home it would be all about HER, not how >> worried I was. >> >> She actually said something like " Oh, she can get by on her own. She's had >> to before " . >> >> Mind you, this is the same mom who once told me " I know your father and >> brother are abusing you, but you've always been stronger than me so I figure >> you can deal with abuse better than I can deal with admitting it. " So what >> did I expect? >> >> Anyway, here's the article: >> >> >> http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-hi\ m-your-parent/ >> >> >> > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.