Re: jealousy or justified anger?

[Guest guest]

This is one of those weird feelings I keep trying to define where you are like

'wtf?' You don't know why they are saying these things, and you know they should

be saying other things, and you don't know how to respond to it, and it just

makes you crazy. You know someone is trying to shake up your energy field, and

you don't know why. My father has done this to me my entire life. He says and

does whatever he can to knock me off center, poison my mood, shake me off

balance. I am only now coming to terms with how much my mother does this as

well, because she is so subtle and drapes her words in a civil, well-meaning

tone. Sometimes I think if I got far enough 'away' from it, I could see it more

clearly. I think it is a wonderful sign that you don't understand it, because it

means that your mind does not operate on this level. And to most people, that is

a great thing.

I want to learn to trust myself more, so that when the slightest 'ping' hits my

energy field, I can pretend I am on the Starship Enterprise and race to the

controls to enable the Plasma Shield. Enemy Attack! Because that is what it is.

I have a ridiculously analytical mind and this trips me up so much, trying to

'make sense' of the attacks. Because I can't understand my parents " needing me

to feel bad " . What benefit could that possibly bring them. It is something I

can't fathom. I think it is a good thing not to be able to understand it. But

for some reason I still want to. I honestly think that in trying to understand

their behavior we are seeking to forgive. Somehow seeking to restore equilibrium

to that parent-child relationship, but sometimes there is no possibility of

understanding just what is going on inside their minds. My child mind can't

conceive of what is behind their deep-seated need to hurt me. As I child I coped

by internalizing it and believing i was bad somehow. That doesn't fly anymore. I

know when I refuse to internalize it, sometimes I am hit with the feeling of a

deep, black loneliness that feels terrifying to me.

I am grateful to this group because it gives me the comfort to quell the

loneliness that I feel within, so that I can put on my body armor and deflect

the hits that come from very sick people. I am trying to motivate myself to seek

more support than just this group. I know part of the reason I have hesitated is

because once and for all I will have to accept the true circumstances of my

relationship with my parents. Maybe I am just not ready or something. I feel

that basic terror of abandonment that is real on a level of survival, to a

child. " If my parents don't love me, I will die. " Which is absolutely true in

the wild. Sick parents use this fear to manipulate their children into changing

their behavior...your mother envies you and that makes her uncomfortable so she

does some abandonment behaviors to try to make you feel the envy that she feels

*toward* you, because apparently bpd parents are incapable of perceiving their

children as separate from themselves. On some level she has a fear of

abandonment and doesn't want to be left alone...like she realizes you get along

just fine without her...she'll make you pay for that one. Sorry if I am

rambling, I am just thinking in text. It's like, because there is unresolved

issues going on with the parental love in early childhood, EVERY relationship

they have that involves love going out from their heart to someone is going to

be colored and tainted by those issues.

Many hugs, I know I wasn't probably very much help, I am just in the same place

with this stuff right now and trying very hard to put it in it's analytical box

so i can put up some armor and defenses againt it. The parent/s I needed, just

doesn't exist. It's a ghost, an illusion. What is there a percentage of the time

is a needy toddler in a child's body, still in superego mode, stuck forever in a

grown up world in which they can't cope and which they will never be able to

access or participate in.

>

> So, I married my husband (13 years ago) after dating him for 4 years. He was

the only person I ever really dated... We began dating in 9th grade and married

a month after high school graduation... anyway, we had no money... we were both

registered to start college full time..etc... my Nada really had nothing to do

with the wedding... she wasnt against it, just didnt really care... she paid for

my consignment wedding dress that cost about $150.... I did all the planning,

picking out flowers, decorating the church...on my own....

>

> Now, 13 years later my husband is a dentist, we have a beautiful

family....etc... and now my step-sister (whom my Nada hasnt had anything to do

with since she married my step-father) is getting married and my Nada has to

make a point every time I talk to her about how much they are spending on the

wedding, how she is flying in to help her dress shop, how she called my

step-sister to get " every little detail " ... and I just want to scream " SHOVE

IT!! "

>

> My Nada has had nothing but evil, backstabbing crap to say about her for the

last 12 years but now this is a chance for her to make me feel jealous or hurt

my feelings ... or whatever it is she is doing and she just cant get enough of

rubbing it in... she even said, " Poor (step-sister), she is 31 years old and

this is the first guy she has ever been serious about, she deserves to have a

huge, beautiful wedding. "

>

> I am thinking.... yeah.... and I deserved what exactly?? But I have never

been of any interest to Nada so why does this surprise me and aggravate the hell

out of me???? UGH....

>

[Guest guest]

Joe,

Thanks so much for your response... You are so accurate in what you are

saying... the part about how they snatch on to our fear of abandonment...etc...

so true!! And I loved your spaceship analogy... how fun! You have such a sweet

spirit... thanks! jen

> >

> > So, I married my husband (13 years ago) after dating him for 4 years. He was

the only person I ever really dated... We began dating in 9th grade and married

a month after high school graduation... anyway, we had no money... we were both

registered to start college full time..etc... my Nada really had nothing to do

with the wedding... she wasnt against it, just didnt really care... she paid for

my consignment wedding dress that cost about $150.... I did all the planning,

picking out flowers, decorating the church...on my own....

> >

> > Now, 13 years later my husband is a dentist, we have a beautiful

family....etc... and now my step-sister (whom my Nada hasnt had anything to do

with since she married my step-father) is getting married and my Nada has to

make a point every time I talk to her about how much they are spending on the

wedding, how she is flying in to help her dress shop, how she called my

step-sister to get " every little detail " ... and I just want to scream " SHOVE

IT!! "

> >

> > My Nada has had nothing but evil, backstabbing crap to say about her for the

last 12 years but now this is a chance for her to make me feel jealous or hurt

my feelings ... or whatever it is she is doing and she just cant get enough of

rubbing it in... she even said, " Poor (step-sister), she is 31 years old and

this is the first guy she has ever been serious about, she deserves to have a

huge, beautiful wedding. "

> >

> > I am thinking.... yeah.... and I deserved what exactly?? But I have never

been of any interest to Nada so why does this surprise me and aggravate the hell

out of me???? UGH....

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hey 5 man,

I don't even know what to say other than your mom is a total BITCH!!!! Mine

acted the same. The only thing I can suggest is NC. . . talking to her about

it would just let her know she'd hit her target. XOXOXOXO girlscout

On Sat, Sep 25, 2010 at 7:00 AM, fivemanblessing wrote:

>

>

> Joe,

> Thanks so much for your response... You are so accurate in what you are

> saying... the part about how they snatch on to our fear of

> abandonment...etc... so true!! And I loved your spaceship analogy... how

> fun! You have such a sweet spirit... thanks! jen

>

>

>

> > >

> > > So, I married my husband (13 years ago) after dating him for 4 years.

> He was the only person I ever really dated... We began dating in 9th grade

> and married a month after high school graduation... anyway, we had no

> money... we were both registered to start college full time..etc... my Nada

> really had nothing to do with the wedding... she wasnt against it, just

> didnt really care... she paid for my consignment wedding dress that cost

> about $150.... I did all the planning, picking out flowers, decorating the

> church...on my own....

> > >

> > > Now, 13 years later my husband is a dentist, we have a beautiful

> family....etc... and now my step-sister (whom my Nada hasnt had anything to

> do with since she married my step-father) is getting married and my Nada has

> to make a point every time I talk to her about how much they are spending on

> the wedding, how she is flying in to help her dress shop, how she called my

> step-sister to get " every little detail " ... and I just want to scream " SHOVE

> IT!! "

> > >

> > > My Nada has had nothing but evil, backstabbing crap to say about her

> for the last 12 years but now this is a chance for her to make me feel

> jealous or hurt my feelings ... or whatever it is she is doing and she just

> cant get enough of rubbing it in... she even said, " Poor (step-sister), she

> is 31 years old and this is the first guy she has ever been serious about,

> she deserves to have a huge, beautiful wedding. "

> > >

> > > I am thinking.... yeah.... and I deserved what exactly?? But I have

> never been of any interest to Nada so why does this surprise me and

> aggravate the hell out of me???? UGH....

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Justified anger, that's my verdict.

Your nada is doing it to hurt your feelings. She knows the chinks in your armour

and she's taking the shot where it hurts. Please try not to take it personally

because it's not your fault that your nada is batshit crazy.

If it's any consolation, my nada is the same way. She makes a big deal out of

her friend's kids accomplishments and then disparages her own children right in

front of me. I think it has something to do with the 'poor me' waifyness of BPD.

Don't let on that this bothers you because she'll just do it more, as you know,

borderlines are terrible with boundaries.

It sucks, and it hurts, I know. You've got a lot of celebrate it seems though,

so focus on this (your successful marriage for starters) instead of your bitchy,

'mean girl' of a nada. She's probably jealous of you because you're not

divorced, like her. (I am assuming this).

Just a thought, if you'd like to get a shot back, give her the 'mean girls'

movie next mother's day!! Or better yet, " Mommy Dearest " Tit for tat.

[Guest guest]

My vote? Both. Justified jealousy and justified anger.

Don't we have the right to be jealous when we are completely skipped over and

someone else gets attention in spades?

Who wouldn't be jealous? And rightfully so? To be anything else wouldn't be

human.

Personally, I hate what she did. Why can't they see how blatantly unfair they

are?

Sorry that happened--that would make me absolutely crazy, on every level. Man

oh man did you deserve better.

Blessings,

Karla

>

> So, I married my husband (13 years ago) after dating him for 4 years. He was

the only person I ever really dated... We began dating in 9th grade and married

a month after high school graduation... anyway, we had no money... we were both

registered to start college full time..etc... my Nada really had nothing to do

with the wedding... she wasnt against it, just didnt really care... she paid for

my consignment wedding dress that cost about $150.... I did all the planning,

picking out flowers, decorating the church...on my own....

>

> Now, 13 years later my husband is a dentist, we have a beautiful

family....etc... and now my step-sister (whom my Nada hasnt had anything to do

with since she married my step-father) is getting married and my Nada has to

make a point every time I talk to her about how much they are spending on the

wedding, how she is flying in to help her dress shop, how she called my

step-sister to get " every little detail " ... and I just want to scream " SHOVE

IT!! "

>

> My Nada has had nothing but evil, backstabbing crap to say about her for the

last 12 years but now this is a chance for her to make me feel jealous or hurt

my feelings ... or whatever it is she is doing and she just cant get enough of

rubbing it in... she even said, " Poor (step-sister), she is 31 years old and

this is the first guy she has ever been serious about, she deserves to have a

huge, beautiful wedding. "

>

> I am thinking.... yeah.... and I deserved what exactly?? But I have never

been of any interest to Nada so why does this surprise me and aggravate the hell

out of me???? UGH....

>

[Guest guest]

I'd say both as well.

My NPD father put three of his step kids through university. He spends his time

with his BPD wifes kids and grandkids. All three had grand weddings (one topped

50k which they helped pay for) and basically their shit don't stink.

I on the other hand have been on my own since I was 17. Put myself through

university, have a successful business I started from home and the bottom up.

And neither of them have ever asked about my business.

Basically I'm scum to them and the sun rises and sets on the three step kids.

I get accused all the time of being jealous, being told that I'm treated *just

the same* as the three boys. Complete BS.

It still hurts, but I've come to realize that it's their loss.

[Guest guest]

I agree. What you are feeling is normal! Its so wrong for a parent to

blatantly favor one child and ignore or scapegoat another; its mentally-ill

thinking and behavior. Its so heinous because it usually completely turns the

siblings against each other.

Plus, as the rancid cherry on top, the pd parent can use the sibling rivalry and

jealousy to her advantage, such as: " Your brother gave me a car for my birthday,

what are *you* going to give me? "

To me, doing that to one's children is the very definition of " malignant

narcissism. "

-Annie

> >

> > So, I married my husband (13 years ago) after dating him for 4 years. He was

the only person I ever really dated... We began dating in 9th grade and married

a month after high school graduation... anyway, we had no money... we were both

registered to start college full time..etc... my Nada really had nothing to do

with the wedding... she wasnt against it, just didnt really care... she paid for

my consignment wedding dress that cost about $150.... I did all the planning,

picking out flowers, decorating the church...on my own....

> >

> > Now, 13 years later my husband is a dentist, we have a beautiful

family....etc... and now my step-sister (whom my Nada hasnt had anything to do

with since she married my step-father) is getting married and my Nada has to

make a point every time I talk to her about how much they are spending on the

wedding, how she is flying in to help her dress shop, how she called my

step-sister to get " every little detail " ... and I just want to scream " SHOVE

IT!! "

> >

> > My Nada has had nothing but evil, backstabbing crap to say about her for the

last 12 years but now this is a chance for her to make me feel jealous or hurt

my feelings ... or whatever it is she is doing and she just cant get enough of

rubbing it in... she even said, " Poor (step-sister), she is 31 years old and

this is the first guy she has ever been serious about, she deserves to have a

huge, beautiful wedding. "

> >

> > I am thinking.... yeah.... and I deserved what exactly?? But I have never

been of any interest to Nada so why does this surprise me and aggravate the hell

out of me???? UGH....

> >

>

[Guest guest]

(((((((elora)))))))

That's just so wrong, how your dad treated you. He does not deserve the

honorable title of " Father " , in my opinion. And I think that's wonderful that

you've made a success for yourself, without their help. That takes a truly

remarkable person to achieve that.

Big virtual thumb's up from me to you.

-Annie

>

> I'd say both as well.

>

> My NPD father put three of his step kids through university. He spends his

time with his BPD wifes kids and grandkids. All three had grand weddings (one

topped 50k which they helped pay for) and basically their shit don't stink.

>

> I on the other hand have been on my own since I was 17. Put myself through

university, have a successful business I started from home and the bottom up.

And neither of them have ever asked about my business.

>

> Basically I'm scum to them and the sun rises and sets on the three step kids.

>

> I get accused all the time of being jealous, being told that I'm treated *just

the same* as the three boys. Complete BS.

>

> It still hurts, but I've come to realize that it's their loss.

>

[Guest guest]

The " batshit crazy " term made me laugh out loud!! Thanks!!

>

> Justified anger, that's my verdict.

>

> Your nada is doing it to hurt your feelings. She knows the chinks in your

armour and she's taking the shot where it hurts. Please try not to take it

personally because it's not your fault that your nada is batshit crazy.

>

> If it's any consolation, my nada is the same way. She makes a big deal out of

her friend's kids accomplishments and then disparages her own children right in

front of me. I think it has something to do with the 'poor me' waifyness of BPD.

>

> Don't let on that this bothers you because she'll just do it more, as you

know, borderlines are terrible with boundaries.

>

> It sucks, and it hurts, I know. You've got a lot of celebrate it seems though,

so focus on this (your successful marriage for starters) instead of your bitchy,

'mean girl' of a nada. She's probably jealous of you because you're not

divorced, like her. (I am assuming this).

>

> Just a thought, if you'd like to get a shot back, give her the 'mean girls'

movie next mother's day!! Or better yet, " Mommy Dearest " Tit for tat.

>

[Guest guest]

Karla,

I really appreciate your honest response... I do believe you are right! Thanks

for the kind words!!

> >

> > So, I married my husband (13 years ago) after dating him for 4 years. He was

the only person I ever really dated... We began dating in 9th grade and married

a month after high school graduation... anyway, we had no money... we were both

registered to start college full time..etc... my Nada really had nothing to do

with the wedding... she wasnt against it, just didnt really care... she paid for

my consignment wedding dress that cost about $150.... I did all the planning,

picking out flowers, decorating the church...on my own....

> >

> > Now, 13 years later my husband is a dentist, we have a beautiful

family....etc... and now my step-sister (whom my Nada hasnt had anything to do

with since she married my step-father) is getting married and my Nada has to

make a point every time I talk to her about how much they are spending on the

wedding, how she is flying in to help her dress shop, how she called my

step-sister to get " every little detail " ... and I just want to scream " SHOVE

IT!! "

> >

> > My Nada has had nothing but evil, backstabbing crap to say about her for the

last 12 years but now this is a chance for her to make me feel jealous or hurt

my feelings ... or whatever it is she is doing and she just cant get enough of

rubbing it in... she even said, " Poor (step-sister), she is 31 years old and

this is the first guy she has ever been serious about, she deserves to have a

huge, beautiful wedding. "

> >

> > I am thinking.... yeah.... and I deserved what exactly?? But I have never

been of any interest to Nada so why does this surprise me and aggravate the hell

out of me???? UGH....

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You are so right about your situation... It is thier loss!! Thanks for the

honest reply!!

>

> I'd say both as well.

>

> My NPD father put three of his step kids through university. He spends his

time with his BPD wifes kids and grandkids. All three had grand weddings (one

topped 50k which they helped pay for) and basically their shit don't stink.

>

> I on the other hand have been on my own since I was 17. Put myself through

university, have a successful business I started from home and the bottom up.

And neither of them have ever asked about my business.

>

> Basically I'm scum to them and the sun rises and sets on the three step kids.

>

> I get accused all the time of being jealous, being told that I'm treated *just

the same* as the three boys. Complete BS.

>

> It still hurts, but I've come to realize that it's their loss.

>

[Guest guest]

My mother was the same - I put myself through university living on $20 a week,

while the rest of the sisters got handouts from Nada that went towards drugs and

alcohol.

I get mad when these things happen - but I remind myself that Im getting the

better deal!

a) while she is busy with them she leaves ME alone!

she can never come back to my and guilt me about accepting her help. She can

only do that to the others.

To have her attention elsewhere is a blessing, I just have to remind myself of

that when the unfairness stings.

> >

> > I'd say both as well.

> >

> > My NPD father put three of his step kids through university. He spends his

time with his BPD wifes kids and grandkids. All three had grand weddings (one

topped 50k which they helped pay for) and basically their shit don't stink.

> >

> > I on the other hand have been on my own since I was 17. Put myself through

university, have a successful business I started from home and the bottom up.

And neither of them have ever asked about my business.

> >

> > Basically I'm scum to them and the sun rises and sets on the three step

kids.

> >

> > I get accused all the time of being jealous, being told that I'm treated

*just the same* as the three boys. Complete BS.

> >

> > It still hurts, but I've come to realize that it's their loss.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You know? That's a good point! I was the all-bad child, and both of my

siblings were the all-good child. They got everything they could ever wish for,

I got neglect.

Thank God, really. I got left alone. I had to raise myself, but at least I got

raised instead of consumed.

My siblings weren't so " lucky. " They are both BP/NP, sociopaths, with rage

problems, alcohol problems . . . they are geniunely dangerous and sick people.

Thanks for a great reminder--

Blessings,

Karla

> > >

> > > I'd say both as well.

> > >

> > > My NPD father put three of his step kids through university. He spends his

time with his BPD wifes kids and grandkids. All three had grand weddings (one

topped 50k which they helped pay for) and basically their shit don't stink.

> > >

> > > I on the other hand have been on my own since I was 17. Put myself through

university, have a successful business I started from home and the bottom up.

And neither of them have ever asked about my business.

> > >

> > > Basically I'm scum to them and the sun rises and sets on the three step

kids.

> > >

> > > I get accused all the time of being jealous, being told that I'm treated

*just the same* as the three boys. Complete BS.

> > >

> > > It still hurts, but I've come to realize that it's their loss.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You know? That's a good point! I was the all-bad child, and both of my

siblings were the all-good child. They got everything they could ever wish for,

I got neglect.

Thank God, really. I got left alone. I had to raise myself, but at least I got

raised instead of consumed.

My siblings weren't so " lucky. " They are both BP/NP, sociopaths, with rage

problems, alcohol problems . . . they are geniunely dangerous and sick people.

Thanks for a great reminder--

Blessings,

Karla

> > >

> > > I'd say both as well.

> > >

> > > My NPD father put three of his step kids through university. He spends his

time with his BPD wifes kids and grandkids. All three had grand weddings (one

topped 50k which they helped pay for) and basically their shit don't stink.

> > >

> > > I on the other hand have been on my own since I was 17. Put myself through

university, have a successful business I started from home and the bottom up.

And neither of them have ever asked about my business.

> > >

> > > Basically I'm scum to them and the sun rises and sets on the three step

kids.

> > >

> > > I get accused all the time of being jealous, being told that I'm treated

*just the same* as the three boys. Complete BS.

> > >

> > > It still hurts, but I've come to realize that it's their loss.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think youre right - as the " all bad " kid, Ive turned out better than my twin.

Its quite nice for me at the moment - my twin sister just had twins - Mum sees

this as the ultimate affirmation that she is the best mother in the universe to

have passed on such phenominal genes - so that sister gets A LOT of attention.

Noone else gets a measly phonecall anymore - WOOHOO!!

Since that sister happens to be a rather nasty piece of work herself who likes

to suck money out of people like a Hoover, I feel its only right that she is the

one to cop all the rages.

Plus I get to have a good giggle about the REDICULOUS arguments the two of them

start with eachother!

Karma works in my direction on a rare occasion ;]

>

> You know? That's a good point! I was the all-bad child, and both of my

siblings were the all-good child. They got everything they could ever wish for,

I got neglect.

>

> Thank God, really. I got left alone. I had to raise myself, but at least I

got raised instead of consumed.

>

> My siblings weren't so " lucky. " They are both BP/NP, sociopaths, with rage

problems, alcohol problems . . . they are geniunely dangerous and sick people.

>

> Thanks for a great reminder--

>

> Blessings,

> Karla

[Guest guest]

Sure do relate to this one. Fada put my sis and bro. thru college, paid

for their weddings, and financed my bro's house. When I asked for $ to go

to dog grooming school, they (fada and nada) literally laughed in my face.

So I put myself thru school. Have been grooming dogs for 26 yrs. now.

They have never asked about my business, have no respect for it....sickening

really.

At 90 yrs. old, they (regretfully) moved into our home (my husband and

mine). It only lasted 5 months but during their stay, all our bills increased

and they wouldn't help us screaming poor mouth. I wanted to get someone

to help me clean once a week ($30), they wouldn't help me and my husband

with that either. After working full days with our separate businesses, my

husband and I would begin another full day of work in our home tending to

them. (cooking, cleaning, helping nada to bathroom, cleaning up from their

incontinence, etc.) Hubby & I were putting in 14 hour days for months.

My point here is, once they moved out and stopped talking to us, my sister

& her husband came here from out of state with no money. Fada financed

without hesitation, their entire trip! They visit maybe once every 5

years!!!! My husband and I have been tending to my parents need for 10 years

with

not so much as a " thank you " from them.

So, yes, it is justified anger. Hurt plays a big role here too. We are

just glad they're gone.

Laurie

In a message dated 9/26/2010 9:50:51 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

elora_jade@... writes:

I'd say both as well.

My NPD father put three of his step kids through university. He spends his

time with his BPD wifes kids and grandkids. All three had grand weddings

(one topped 50k which they helped pay for) and basically their shit don't

stink.

I on the other hand have been on my own since I was 17. Put myself through

university, have a successful business I started from home and the bottom

up. And neither of them have ever asked about my business.

Basically I'm scum to them and the sun rises and sets on the three step

kids.

I get accused all the time of being jealous, being told that I'm treated

*just the same* as the three boys. Complete BS.

It still hurts, but I've come to realize that it's their loss.

[Guest guest]

Wow, I was the " all bad " kid and my brother " all good " and he turned out better

off in my opinion. He doesn't have any mental problems, anyway, and I am

diagnosed with 4 mental disorders. He's never even been to therapy. I've already

been in a mental hospital (I tried to kill myself when I was 16). He didn't have

any problems with drugs, he got a Bachelors degree (like others my parents paid

for his education but not for me).

Casey

> >

> > You know? That's a good point! I was the all-bad child, and both of my

siblings were the all-good child. They got everything they could ever wish for,

I got neglect.

> >

> > Thank God, really. I got left alone. I had to raise myself, but at least I

got raised instead of consumed.

> >

> > My siblings weren't so " lucky. " They are both BP/NP, sociopaths, with rage

problems, alcohol problems . . . they are geniunely dangerous and sick people.

> >

> > Thanks for a great reminder--

> >

> > Blessings,

> > Karla

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Casey, that sucks...

Ive always been of the opinion that those people that pull themselves up by the

bootstraps instead of having someone to bail them out whenever they want, end up

more successful down the track.

I hope you come out ahead in the long run xxx

>

> Wow, I was the " all bad " kid and my brother " all good " and he turned out

better off in my opinion. He doesn't have any mental problems, anyway, and I am

diagnosed with 4 mental disorders. He's never even been to therapy. I've already

been in a mental hospital (I tried to kill myself when I was 16). He didn't have

any problems with drugs, he got a Bachelors degree (like others my parents paid

for his education but not for me).

>

> Casey