Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Oh , we are here for you. I'm hearing 2 things going on - maybe you are asking for life skills help, like check book/finances, car mainentence, cooking, housing help etc? Either we can help you or we can probably help you find classes and programs that will help. Or is it more needing love and guidance? I wonder if now would be a great time to connect with a good therapist? One thing I see (and have done myself) is enter into a poorly thought out relationship to fill in for the nada/fada roll, so that I felt just as controlled and manipulated as before, and I was comfortable with that. It felt like love. But it isn't! So don't do that, sweetie! And don't try to find a replacement nada in a friend, they will often be BPD. Tell us more and let us help you. I'm sure I can find you some community resources in your area. I'd be glad to talk it through with you one on one. This is a great question and I'm so glad you asked! Tell us more. Girlscout On Wed, Sep 1, 2010 at 11:35 AM, sweetsoulmusic09 < sweetsoulmusic09@...> wrote: > > > I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums. It always amazes me how > everyone seems to know exactly what myself and everyone else is going > through. I guess BPD parents seem to produce the same type of struggles in > their children. It's all been extremely helpful to know these struggles are > not just a personal character flaw and are perfectly normal for the children > of BPD. > > What happens when you get older and have to learn to deal with everything? > For the first time, I am away from my father, don't talk to him, have no > financial ties to him and I find myself completely clueless. I feel a lot > like a prisoner who has been in jail for two decades, and when they get out > it's exhilarating at first, but eventually they get overwhelmed. They are so > used to being controlled that they have no idea how to be free. And that is > basically where I'm at now. > > I've literally had no real parenting. My father started brainwashing me at > only 3 years old, and my mother became highly verbally and physically > abusive for several years during my childhood. It only happened when my dad > was traveling a lot on business trips. I didn't do very well in school > because I was being drastically under challenged. I have had zero role > models. All the parenting I got was from books like " The Road Less > Traveled " . > > I've always thought I knew myself but apparently I didn't. I've spent my > life serving all my abusers, molding myself for their acceptance. With their > words, they've convinced me I am someone else. Now that I am entirely free, > I feel a bit like an innocent child child who doesn't know anything and is > learning everything for the first time. I find myself asking basic childlike > questions; " What is love? " ... " Is it supposed to feel like something? " ... > " How do you know what's right for you? " ... " How do you know if you like > something or not? " And numerous other what is this what is that questions. > > Does anyone have any books they can recommend? This state I am in is > extremely vulnerable and rather frightening. Then again I guess some people > would give anything to go back to the innocent mainframe of a child. Anyone > else ever go through this? Or going through it now? > > - > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 I guess I'm asking more to find out if it's normal or warning signs to look out for... not sure really. I think I'm pretty okay in the life skills department. I read a book called " Getting Rich Your Own Way " by and it really laid everything out for me. It was a great help after my own Bankruptcy slapped me upside the head. Plus I use mint.com to manage my money and it's been a tremendous help! I was able to save up money to buy a brand new iMac that I've always wanted, and still have a good amount left over. I'm pretty low-income but I have a lot for how little I make. Various people have taught me how to do things along the way. In 6th grade a kid in my home-ec class realized, after baking cookies, that I actually had no idea how to wash the dishes. She thought I was kidding at first but when she saw me attempt it, she was pretty surprised. But the girl was really nice about it and taught me how to wash dishes. I figured out how to wash my own clothes by reading the back of the laundry soap bottle at 15 years old. As far as the car goes, one of my friends taught me a lot about that type of thing, and my boyfriend's best friend is a mechanic. My housing is in good shape. My boyfriend makes a little over double my yearly income, so we're in a good place. He paid for all the furniture and let me pick literally everything in the apartment, it turned out really nice and modern. I even chose the apartment... I have specific standards lol. For some reason he rarely says no to me. I've been through many many controlling relationships. One was actually worse than my father, and ended in a 10 year protective order. I'm assuming that since I'm actually going through this struggle with accepting freedom, it means that something must be different. I went through counseling for a year and a half when I was living with my dad, since it was the only way I could make it through. Not very sure what to do next. I guess just making decisions for myself... And seeing how I like certain things. Not sure, really. > > > > > > > I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums. It always amazes me how > > everyone seems to know exactly what myself and everyone else is going > > through. I guess BPD parents seem to produce the same type of struggles in > > their children. It's all been extremely helpful to know these struggles are > > not just a personal character flaw and are perfectly normal for the children > > of BPD. > > > > What happens when you get older and have to learn to deal with everything? > > For the first time, I am away from my father, don't talk to him, have no > > financial ties to him and I find myself completely clueless. I feel a lot > > like a prisoner who has been in jail for two decades, and when they get out > > it's exhilarating at first, but eventually they get overwhelmed. They are so > > used to being controlled that they have no idea how to be free. And that is > > basically where I'm at now. > > > > I've literally had no real parenting. My father started brainwashing me at > > only 3 years old, and my mother became highly verbally and physically > > abusive for several years during my childhood. It only happened when my dad > > was traveling a lot on business trips. I didn't do very well in school > > because I was being drastically under challenged. I have had zero role > > models. All the parenting I got was from books like " The Road Less > > Traveled " . > > > > I've always thought I knew myself but apparently I didn't. I've spent my > > life serving all my abusers, molding myself for their acceptance. With their > > words, they've convinced me I am someone else. Now that I am entirely free, > > I feel a bit like an innocent child child who doesn't know anything and is > > learning everything for the first time. I find myself asking basic childlike > > questions; " What is love? " ... " Is it supposed to feel like something? " ... > > " How do you know what's right for you? " ... " How do you know if you like > > something or not? " And numerous other what is this what is that questions. > > > > Does anyone have any books they can recommend? This state I am in is > > extremely vulnerable and rather frightening. Then again I guess some people > > would give anything to go back to the innocent mainframe of a child. Anyone > > else ever go through this? Or going through it now? > > > > - > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 Oops I accidentally left out the cooking part haha... One of my old boyfriends taught me how to cook and use spices. With my food sensitivities, I have to cook or I don't eat lol. I'm getting a bit better at it, but sometimes I'm still forced to eat food that tastes like crap hahaha > > > > > > > I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums. It always amazes me how > > everyone seems to know exactly what myself and everyone else is going > > through. I guess BPD parents seem to produce the same type of struggles in > > their children. It's all been extremely helpful to know these struggles are > > not just a personal character flaw and are perfectly normal for the children > > of BPD. > > > > What happens when you get older and have to learn to deal with everything? > > For the first time, I am away from my father, don't talk to him, have no > > financial ties to him and I find myself completely clueless. I feel a lot > > like a prisoner who has been in jail for two decades, and when they get out > > it's exhilarating at first, but eventually they get overwhelmed. They are so > > used to being controlled that they have no idea how to be free. And that is > > basically where I'm at now. > > > > I've literally had no real parenting. My father started brainwashing me at > > only 3 years old, and my mother became highly verbally and physically > > abusive for several years during my childhood. It only happened when my dad > > was traveling a lot on business trips. I didn't do very well in school > > because I was being drastically under challenged. I have had zero role > > models. All the parenting I got was from books like " The Road Less > > Traveled " . > > > > I've always thought I knew myself but apparently I didn't. I've spent my > > life serving all my abusers, molding myself for their acceptance. With their > > words, they've convinced me I am someone else. Now that I am entirely free, > > I feel a bit like an innocent child child who doesn't know anything and is > > learning everything for the first time. I find myself asking basic childlike > > questions; " What is love? " ... " Is it supposed to feel like something? " ... > > " How do you know what's right for you? " ... " How do you know if you like > > something or not? " And numerous other what is this what is that questions. > > > > Does anyone have any books they can recommend? This state I am in is > > extremely vulnerable and rather frightening. Then again I guess some people > > would give anything to go back to the innocent mainframe of a child. Anyone > > else ever go through this? Or going through it now? > > > > - > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 yes, i can recommend a book for you, one which has helped me anyways with this dilemma: '9 things you simply must do'.. to succeed in life and love by dr. henry cloud.. he is writing from a mildly christian perspective (his training is in theology as well as psychology) but you can take what you like of that and leave the rest, as in all of life i believe.. all these questions are very important ones and the fact that you are asking them shows awareness which is the first and perhaps biggest step forward i believe.  yes, i think love is a feeling, and what you want is discovered, sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly from inside you.. another book: 'what color is your parachute' which has some good exercises and recommendations of other good books on how to discover what it is that you want out of life and what is 'right' for you.  all this takes some time and some work but is very doable i have found and very much worth the effort required. yes, this kind of change is scary, very different from what we as ko's are used to.. but if you break it down into little steps, don't rush yourself or beat yourself up too much for glitches along the way, with time and practice it gets easier, as with anything else in life i think.  it's a bit like a child learning how to walk, she will take a few hesitant steps, fall on her butt then pick herself up and try again.  and with encouragement and support from others and without shame that she 'fell' hopefully she will be a good walker soon. each little step brings newer mastery.. start small if you want, ask yourself what is your favorite color, fav. anything and indulge yourself a little in that.. make little choices for yourself, even if at first they may seem 'weird' or surprising, go with them and see how they feel for you.  as you can tell, this is a fav. topic for me, at the moment i am hard at work on similar questions for myself. best wishes on your journey!ann Subject: Self-Identity? To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Wednesday, September 1, 2010, 12:35 PM  I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums. It always amazes me how everyone seems to know exactly what myself and everyone else is going through. I guess BPD parents seem to produce the same type of struggles in their children. It's all been extremely helpful to know these struggles are not just a personal character flaw and are perfectly normal for the children of BPD. What happens when you get older and have to learn to deal with everything? For the first time, I am away from my father, don't talk to him, have no financial ties to him and I find myself completely clueless. I feel a lot like a prisoner who has been in jail for two decades, and when they get out it's exhilarating at first, but eventually they get overwhelmed. They are so used to being controlled that they have no idea how to be free. And that is basically where I'm at now. I've literally had no real parenting. My father started brainwashing me at only 3 years old, and my mother became highly verbally and physically abusive for several years during my childhood. It only happened when my dad was traveling a lot on business trips. I didn't do very well in school because I was being drastically under challenged. I have had zero role models. All the parenting I got was from books like " The Road Less Traveled " . I've always thought I knew myself but apparently I didn't. I've spent my life serving all my abusers, molding myself for their acceptance. With their words, they've convinced me I am someone else. Now that I am entirely free, I feel a bit like an innocent child child who doesn't know anything and is learning everything for the first time. I find myself asking basic childlike questions; " What is love? " ... " Is it supposed to feel like something? " ... " How do you know what's right for you? " ... " How do you know if you like something or not? " And numerous other what is this what is that questions. Does anyone have any books they can recommend? This state I am in is extremely vulnerable and rather frightening. Then again I guess some people would give anything to go back to the innocent mainframe of a child. Anyone else ever go through this? Or going through it now? - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 I was just thinking - sure, classes would be great. But there are a lot of things (like how to wash dishes) that they don't teach down at the community college. Martha actually had a woman on her program who demonstrated how to load the dishwasher. It sounded ridiculous, but I'd love to strap my husband and son to the couch and make them watch that segment until they learn how to do this right. My brother-in-law bought me a book when my husband and I were about to get married - I think he did it as a joke, but it's a pretty good book. It's called something like " Superwoman " and it's by Shirley Conran. She lays out how to do basic household stuff efficiently and cheaply, not because she's some kind of Martha weirdo, but because you have better things to do with your time than putz around cleaning all the time - so you do it right, get it done, and go do something else. Also - the " DIY " websites on the Net tell you how to do EVERYTHING. I'm in the process of reattaching my rear bumper and fixing the dent after a minor fender-bender, rather than paying $500 for the dealer to do the work. It's going to cost about $30 - and required a hair dryer. Who knew? If you Google " frugal " you'll find a lot of suggestions for doing things cheaply (like using white vinegar for practically everything instead of paying a fortune for cleaning products). Basic financial management is a class that really is being taught in colleges these days, and there are some high school classes as well. If there's an on-line school in your state or county, you could pay the tuition and take it on-line from home, and nobody would know or care that you aren't a high school student. Any of Suze Orman's books would probably help you manage your finances. That's confusing to lots of us, and we're all scrambling to keep from living in cardboard boxes when we're old. One last source - take a half hour and read the information and links for the Boy Scout Personal Management merit badge at meritbadge.com. I kid you not - there's all kinds of good information there. > > > > > > > I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums. It always amazes me how > > everyone seems to know exactly what myself and everyone else is going > > through. I guess BPD parents seem to produce the same type of struggles in > > their children. It's all been extremely helpful to know these struggles are > > not just a personal character flaw and are perfectly normal for the children > > of BPD. > > > > What happens when you get older and have to learn to deal with everything? > > For the first time, I am away from my father, don't talk to him, have no > > financial ties to him and I find myself completely clueless. I feel a lot > > like a prisoner who has been in jail for two decades, and when they get out > > it's exhilarating at first, but eventually they get overwhelmed. They are so > > used to being controlled that they have no idea how to be free. And that is > > basically where I'm at now. > > > > I've literally had no real parenting. My father started brainwashing me at > > only 3 years old, and my mother became highly verbally and physically > > abusive for several years during my childhood. It only happened when my dad > > was traveling a lot on business trips. I didn't do very well in school > > because I was being drastically under challenged. I have had zero role > > models. All the parenting I got was from books like " The Road Less > > Traveled " . > > > > I've always thought I knew myself but apparently I didn't. I've spent my > > life serving all my abusers, molding myself for their acceptance. With their > > words, they've convinced me I am someone else. Now that I am entirely free, > > I feel a bit like an innocent child child who doesn't know anything and is > > learning everything for the first time. I find myself asking basic childlike > > questions; " What is love? " ... " Is it supposed to feel like something? " ... > > " How do you know what's right for you? " ... " How do you know if you like > > something or not? " And numerous other what is this what is that questions. > > > > Does anyone have any books they can recommend? This state I am in is > > extremely vulnerable and rather frightening. Then again I guess some people > > would give anything to go back to the innocent mainframe of a child. Anyone > > else ever go through this? Or going through it now? > > > > - > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 1, 2010 Report Share Posted September 1, 2010 I don't have any books but I recommend Suze Orman for financial stuff. She is an amazing teacher...I was taught less than nothing about finances because i was raised to get married and have kids and let 'the man' do everything. I have learned sooooooo much from her shows about credit and financing and all that. Another thing that has helped me is watching HGTV. I have learned a tremendous amount about buying a house and stuff through watching their shows like 'my first place' and househunters, etc, that I was never taught. They have alot of episodes on hulu.com. The most important thing I've learned is that the best thing anyone can do for themselves is to stay in school and get the highest degree possible. The baseline absolutely needs to be financial independence from the nadas and fadas. I have been stuck here because I have so many animals that no landlord would take. I'm so depressed it isn't funny. As far as all the emotional stuff, this is going to sound weird but the best thing for me besides support groups like this with people trying to heal is just getting away and being quiet, either outside or like in meditation, so I can hear myself THINK inside. and that still small voice will tell me what I need to know and need to do. > > I've been reading a lot of posts on these forums. It always amazes me how everyone seems to know exactly what myself and everyone else is going through. I guess BPD parents seem to produce the same type of struggles in their children. It's all been extremely helpful to know these struggles are not just a personal character flaw and are perfectly normal for the children of BPD. > > What happens when you get older and have to learn to deal with everything? For the first time, I am away from my father, don't talk to him, have no financial ties to him and I find myself completely clueless. I feel a lot like a prisoner who has been in jail for two decades, and when they get out it's exhilarating at first, but eventually they get overwhelmed. They are so used to being controlled that they have no idea how to be free. And that is basically where I'm at now. > > I've literally had no real parenting. My father started brainwashing me at only 3 years old, and my mother became highly verbally and physically abusive for several years during my childhood. It only happened when my dad was traveling a lot on business trips. I didn't do very well in school because I was being drastically under challenged. I have had zero role models. All the parenting I got was from books like " The Road Less Traveled " . > > I've always thought I knew myself but apparently I didn't. I've spent my life serving all my abusers, molding myself for their acceptance. With their words, they've convinced me I am someone else. Now that I am entirely free, I feel a bit like an innocent child child who doesn't know anything and is learning everything for the first time. I find myself asking basic childlike questions; " What is love? " ... " Is it supposed to feel like something? " ... " How do you know what's right for you? " ... " How do you know if you like something or not? " And numerous other what is this what is that questions. > > > Does anyone have any books they can recommend? This state I am in is extremely vulnerable and rather frightening. Then again I guess some people would give anything to go back to the innocent mainframe of a child. Anyone else ever go through this? Or going through it now? > > > - > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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