Re: I don't want to feel alone anymore! I could use someone in my shoes!

[Guest guest]

Hey there,

So sorry about your mom. I haven't heard of these transplant issues, that is

both fasinating and makes me very sad. As for me, my mother has always been

severly mentally ill and emotionally disturbed. It really shapes your life.

Sounds like you are a great mom and wife, and I think you are doing the

right things with counseling. Congrats on doing that for yourself.

I'd worry about myself and not my mom if I were you. i haven't had a

conversation with my own mother in going on 8 years, and it is much more

peaceful on this side of what we call NC (no contact).

Hugs, good luck, and a listening ear,

Girlscout

On Wed, Sep 22, 2010 at 9:43 AM, daughterofbpdmom

wrote:

>

>

> I have been battling with my mother for years now and I decided to not see

> her anymore at the beginning of summer this year due to constant battles. I

> was exhausted from her battering me mentally and then I tried to explain why

> I felt hurt and she always came back with years of things she hated about me

> and how I should be there for everyone else. Long story! So here goes some

> of it.

>

> I only found this sight after searching for help so I don't feel so alone

> and try and figure out if there is truly anything I can do to not feel so

> alone in my family. After months I recieve an email from my mom pooring out

> her feelings that she wants to work things out and that she is willing to go

> to counseling and that she loves me and no matter what I say she is willing

> to do something. I email her back, since every phone call or in person

> conversation ends in a huge blow up, so I will not put myself through that

> anymore. Mind you, there is a very big reason that she now wants to patch

> things up and her reason are not for me, it is again for her benefit. Can

> explain that later. I told her with the timing it looks like she is not

> trying to make things right with me for the right reasons and if she isn't,

> then just wait till she truly wants to get help for all of us.

>

> She replies back completely upset, saying once again that she can't fix me

> and it pains her I am so awful and says just forget it. This is in an couple

> hour span. No surprise to me, but again, I feel the exhaustion immediatly. I

> offered for my husband and father to talk, as I really don't have a great

> relationship communication ways with my father, and she said just forget it

> all.

>

> I made an appointment for myself to go see a counsler and shared all our

> emails with him and wanted to see if I was just not getting her and am I in

> some way being rediculous. He met with me and talk for about an hour, and he

> spent a couple hours earlier reading all our emails and he really thinks

> that she has a personality disorder. I, in the past have made comments to my

> husband as to it's just like it's not her anymore, I feel I don't know her,

> and yes, she was a great mom when we were young. After my mom finding out I

> was going by myself as I told her who I was going to and that if she wants

> to move forward that she can make an appt. with him as well. I picked a

> counsler neither of us has dealt with so she didn't think he would pick

> sides. She starts calling, leaving text messages as to her love for me and

> wanting to go to my appt right now with me. I just thought, oh my gosh, now

> she wants to go. I figure it's to make sure I don't say something that she

> sees wrong. Which is everything now days. I called the counsler and he knew

> it probably wouldn't be a good idea for the 1st visit, since he sensed my

> hesitation. Good idea. Then she emails me later that evening a little made

> that I wouldn't answer my calls and said that she doesn't want to go to that

> counsler and that she will go to a girl counsler that she personall knows

> and will consider the other guy in the future. Well, once again, avoiding

> getting real help. My counsler really does not think it will change our

> relationship to meet with her, but he said he would glady visit with her. I

> figure at least then she can say her piece and not think it's always one

> sided. Well, now she won't do that, so not seeing the same person, he can't

> figure out if and when my husband and I and my mom and dad should or should

> not get together with him too after my parents go. I did tell her I shared

> her and my emails over the last few months with him so he could see our

> views from both sides. I don't know, she is doing her own thing, I guess.

>

> My mom went through a heart transplant about 14 years ago and that is

> around the time things started to fall apart with her and I. I started

> having kids and she always complained I wouldn't let her watch them, but yet

> I was overprotective of my babies at first and I didn't let anyone just take

> off with them as infants, but she also never visited or would not babysit if

> I did ask. They were always busy. Then the arguments started here and there

> as I didn't see eye to eye with her at all at times. But sometimes she would

> compliment me on how wonderful a mother I was, and then later complain about

> me. She has just gradually got worse with me until years later and now we

> can't even talk without confusion or misunderstood words. She would complain

> I wasn't there for everyone else in the family and complain that my

> priorities were screwed up and that I should be putting people she thought

> should come first over my husband and kids. I explained that my family comes

> first. Example, she thought going to a step nieces wedding, that I didn't

> even know, was a much larger commitment than following my husband sport

> event to the state finals. That is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and

> they wanted me to commit to 6-$60 plates of food and expected me to be there

> no matter what so the food didn't go to waste. I didn't know if we would

> make the state finals forsure, but I didn't know this girl at all and to

> commit to an expensive dish that my family was threatening I dare not waste,

> I decided not to commit in respect I didn't want to waste the food. She

> thought I was the most awful daughter and sister in the world. She just

> couldn't get it. There are time after time like this. I have five kids and

> she comes to not one of their events, yet calls and asks for schedules of

> sports, grandparents days, plays, graduations and yet every single time she

> calls the very next morning with a VERY lame excuse why she didn't make it.

> Sometimes to find her errand my dad and her were going to was my other

> nephews events. But she never tells me the truth. Although, she loves my one

> nephew and will not miss one thing for him no matter what, which bothers my

> brother, but it's not his fault. I just got sick of her loving moments and

> gestures and then always results in poor or no actions. It's like she

> purposely trying to get me to look forward to something and my kids and then

> just acts like I have no reason to be disappointed when she doesn't follow

> through.

>

> Then she rants on and on at how horrible I am to her and it just never

> stops. She will never admit to her unfairness and never ever admit that just

> maybe from my shoes it doesn't look fair even if her intentions were there.

> It's like she wants to look loving as a mother should and then when I don't

> fall for it, she lashes out on me, so I just stopped communicating with her

> all together, for my emotional welfare.

>

> I have other siblings, but one is off in the military so he doesn't see it

> first hand and visits once a year maybe, I have a sister that has two step

> children, only one of whom she helped raise everyother weekend and doesn't

> expect much from my mom with him as she is not maternal like my mom and

> myself always were, well, I still am.

>

> My sister tells me my expectations of my mother are way to high. I told her

> that to make my expectations lower I would have to expect absolutely nothing

> from her. That's not right. She just sides with my mom to make her happy and

> she listens to my mom and usually believes what she says and now she won't

> even talk to me much. We have thought mom was a bit off or forgetful a

> couple years ago, but my sister just doesn't want to see it, but she'll make

> my mom happy and agree with her arguements, which my sister did agree at one

> time that what my mom told her was not what my mom tells me, so she is

> playing us against each other. I see it and my sister just lets it go if she

> does see it or just doesn't want to deal with it. My sister and I are very

> different so we do not spend a lot of time together, so probably easier for

> her to just agree with my mom.

>

> I have one other brother that also has a bunch of kids, but they don't have

> much and my mother and father gives them everything for nothing, takes their

> kids, follows all their school stuff and just thinks the world of them, pays

> for their home, helps with diapers, ect. She one time thinks my brother is

> neglecting his kids and his wife is wonderful and then thinks my brother is

> wonderful and his wife is useless with the kids. Mind you, I think my

> brother does realize mom is not all there, and takes advantage of taking

> what he can get for nothing, because they bend over backwards for them even

> when they clearly take advantage of my parents. They do treat their kids

> good though and I guess if it's working for them and they can live with it,

> whatever. I probably have the best relationship with that brother because he

> does think my mom is off her rocker, but he just doesn't say nothing because

> he's getting a lot in return if he just lives with it.

>

> I am self maintained and have a great husband, great kids and don't require

> anything from my parents but love and friendship. My mom does not know how

> to do that though.

>

> I at least know now that transplant patients do have a history with having

> some of these aftermath issues and good to know that it isn't me as much as

> maybe she just can't help herself at this point. I feel though that I am the

> only one in the family that is trying to figure this out. My dad won't talk

> to me and my mom talks for him, so I don't know if or how I should go to him

> about this, or just leave it alone and know I may live my life without my

> mom or any of my family.

>

> It's hard for me, as my mom and I used to be best friends before her

> transplant and even shortly after, but then she was always confrontational

> with me and then I would be, as she would accuse me of simple things and

> twist stories and words and then slowly I became the bad guys to her. I am

> bull headed and when I factually know something is right, I am not going to

> break.

>

> Sorry, for the long story, there is really so much more, but I know that

> you probably got the gist of it by now. The counsler made me feel like it

> was not me that was crazy. I knew that, but my mom just is manipulating and

> tries her hardest to make me look bad to make her look good. It's

> devistating and it's hurts and I am exhausted. But knowing she may have a

> personality disorder makes me understand that she just may never be that mom

> that I once knew. That is very hard to deal with. I feel like the day she

> had her transplant that my real mother died with her first heart. Sad to

> say, but what I feel.

>

> She will lash out here and there and say I will also regret having children

> because adult children put her through hell. She will say she should have

> stopped after two kids, thank god I was number two (smile). Okay, not funny.

> She will say that if she wouldn't have had the transplant and died that it

> would have been better for everyone in her family.

>

> Oh, my, see, exhausting. But I am a people person and always look to the

> greater good and always want to help when someone is in need. How do I help,

> do I just walk away? Anyone have any resources or advice for me?

>

> Thanks so much for letting me vent and lay out my feelings, I feel very

> alone in this with my family and having anyone that knows what I am going

> through talk to me, I would just feel not so alone.

>

> Lonely, exhausted, me

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hugs, welcome and you are sooo not alone here. Your story could be mine with

only a few details changed up a bit.

You need to keep your therapist. I think he/she is completely correct about

trying to go through therapy with your nada. I too tried joint therapy with

nada and my FOO with 2 different therapists and it only made nada much worse.

She went into full defense mode and we got absolutely nowhere other than she got

more information about what upset me, only later to use that against me also.

By all means, if you need to give it a shot, do so, but I would suspect that it

most likely won't go well.

Trust your gut about what is important to you and your family first and

foremost. Nadas think what is important to them should be important to you

because they can't separate you from themselves. Your step-niece will more than

likely understand about your family commitments even if nada can't.

I too have a brother who gets what is wrong with nada but stays in her good

graces just enough for the financial benefits. He claims to be a devote

christian but that action doesn't match his rhetoric. He really is taking

advantage of a mentally ill person.

I hope we can help you feel less alone and find some peace!

patinage

>

> I have been battling with my mother for years now and I decided to not see her

anymore at the beginning of summer this year due to constant battles. I was

exhausted from her battering me mentally and then I tried to explain why I felt

hurt and she always came back with years of things she hated about me and how I

should be there for everyone else. Long story! So here goes some of it.

>

> I only found this sight after searching for help so I don't feel so alone and

try and figure out if there is truly anything I can do to not feel so alone in

my family. After months I recieve an email from my mom pooring out her feelings

that she wants to work things out and that she is willing to go to counseling

and that she loves me and no matter what I say she is willing to do something.

I email her back, since every phone call or in person conversation ends in a

huge blow up, so I will not put myself through that anymore. Mind you, there is

a very big reason that she now wants to patch things up and her reason are not

for me, it is again for her benefit. Can explain that later. I told her with

the timing it looks like she is not trying to make things right with me for the

right reasons and if she isn't, then just wait till she truly wants to get help

for all of us.

>

> She replies back completely upset, saying once again that she can't fix me and

it pains her I am so awful and says just forget it. This is in an couple hour

span. No surprise to me, but again, I feel the exhaustion immediatly. I

offered for my husband and father to talk, as I really don't have a great

relationship communication ways with my father, and she said just forget it all.

>

> I made an appointment for myself to go see a counsler and shared all our

emails with him and wanted to see if I was just not getting her and am I in some

way being rediculous. He met with me and talk for about an hour, and he spent a

couple hours earlier reading all our emails and he really thinks that she has a

personality disorder. I, in the past have made comments to my husband as to

it's just like it's not her anymore, I feel I don't know her, and yes, she was a

great mom when we were young. After my mom finding out I was going by myself as

I told her who I was going to and that if she wants to move forward that she can

make an appt. with him as well. I picked a counsler neither of us has dealt

with so she didn't think he would pick sides. She starts calling, leaving text

messages as to her love for me and wanting to go to my appt right now with me.

I just thought, oh my gosh, now she wants to go. I figure it's to make sure I

don't say something that she sees wrong. Which is everything now days. I called

the counsler and he knew it probably wouldn't be a good idea for the 1st visit,

since he sensed my hesitation. Good idea. Then she emails me later that

evening a little made that I wouldn't answer my calls and said that she doesn't

want to go to that counsler and that she will go to a girl counsler that she

personall knows and will consider the other guy in the future. Well, once

again, avoiding getting real help. My counsler really does not think it will

change our relationship to meet with her, but he said he would glady visit with

her. I figure at least then she can say her piece and not think it's always one

sided. Well, now she won't do that, so not seeing the same person, he can't

figure out if and when my husband and I and my mom and dad should or should not

get together with him too after my parents go. I did tell her I shared her and

my emails over the last few months with him so he could see our views from both

sides. I don't know, she is doing her own thing, I guess.

>

> My mom went through a heart transplant about 14 years ago and that is around

the time things started to fall apart with her and I. I started having kids and

she always complained I wouldn't let her watch them, but yet I was

overprotective of my babies at first and I didn't let anyone just take off with

them as infants, but she also never visited or would not babysit if I did ask.

They were always busy. Then the arguments started here and there as I didn't

see eye to eye with her at all at times. But sometimes she would compliment me

on how wonderful a mother I was, and then later complain about me. She has just

gradually got worse with me until years later and now we can't even talk without

confusion or misunderstood words. She would complain I wasn't there for

everyone else in the family and complain that my priorities were screwed up and

that I should be putting people she thought should come first over my husband

and kids. I explained that my family comes first. Example, she thought going

to a step nieces wedding, that I didn't even know, was a much larger commitment

than following my husband sport event to the state finals. That is a once in a

lifetime opportunity, and they wanted me to commit to 6-$60 plates of food and

expected me to be there no matter what so the food didn't go to waste. I didn't

know if we would make the state finals forsure, but I didn't know this girl at

all and to commit to an expensive dish that my family was threatening I dare not

waste, I decided not to commit in respect I didn't want to waste the food. She

thought I was the most awful daughter and sister in the world. She just

couldn't get it. There are time after time like this. I have five kids and she

comes to not one of their events, yet calls and asks for schedules of sports,

grandparents days, plays, graduations and yet every single time she calls the

very next morning with a VERY lame excuse why she didn't make it. Sometimes to

find her errand my dad and her were going to was my other nephews events. But

she never tells me the truth. Although, she loves my one nephew and will not

miss one thing for him no matter what, which bothers my brother, but it's not

his fault. I just got sick of her loving moments and gestures and then always

results in poor or no actions. It's like she purposely trying to get me to look

forward to something and my kids and then just acts like I have no reason to be

disappointed when she doesn't follow through.

>

> Then she rants on and on at how horrible I am to her and it just never stops.

She will never admit to her unfairness and never ever admit that just maybe from

my shoes it doesn't look fair even if her intentions were there. It's like she

wants to look loving as a mother should and then when I don't fall for it, she

lashes out on me, so I just stopped communicating with her all together, for my

emotional welfare.

>

> I have other siblings, but one is off in the military so he doesn't see it

first hand and visits once a year maybe, I have a sister that has two step

children, only one of whom she helped raise everyother weekend and doesn't

expect much from my mom with him as she is not maternal like my mom and myself

always were, well, I still am.

>

> My sister tells me my expectations of my mother are way to high. I told her

that to make my expectations lower I would have to expect absolutely nothing

from her. That's not right. She just sides with my mom to make her happy and

she listens to my mom and usually believes what she says and now she won't even

talk to me much. We have thought mom was a bit off or forgetful a couple years

ago, but my sister just doesn't want to see it, but she'll make my mom happy and

agree with her arguements, which my sister did agree at one time that what my

mom told her was not what my mom tells me, so she is playing us against each

other. I see it and my sister just lets it go if she does see it or just

doesn't want to deal with it. My sister and I are very different so we do not

spend a lot of time together, so probably easier for her to just agree with my

mom.

>

> I have one other brother that also has a bunch of kids, but they don't have

much and my mother and father gives them everything for nothing, takes their

kids, follows all their school stuff and just thinks the world of them, pays for

their home, helps with diapers, ect. She one time thinks my brother is

neglecting his kids and his wife is wonderful and then thinks my brother is

wonderful and his wife is useless with the kids. Mind you, I think my brother

does realize mom is not all there, and takes advantage of taking what he can get

for nothing, because they bend over backwards for them even when they clearly

take advantage of my parents. They do treat their kids good though and I guess

if it's working for them and they can live with it, whatever. I probably have

the best relationship with that brother because he does think my mom is off her

rocker, but he just doesn't say nothing because he's getting a lot in return if

he just lives with it.

>

> I am self maintained and have a great husband, great kids and don't require

anything from my parents but love and friendship. My mom does not know how to

do that though.

>

> I at least know now that transplant patients do have a history with having

some of these aftermath issues and good to know that it isn't me as much as

maybe she just can't help herself at this point. I feel though that I am the

only one in the family that is trying to figure this out. My dad won't talk to

me and my mom talks for him, so I don't know if or how I should go to him about

this, or just leave it alone and know I may live my life without my mom or any

of my family.

>

> It's hard for me, as my mom and I used to be best friends before her

transplant and even shortly after, but then she was always confrontational with

me and then I would be, as she would accuse me of simple things and twist

stories and words and then slowly I became the bad guys to her. I am bull

headed and when I factually know something is right, I am not going to break.

>

> Sorry, for the long story, there is really so much more, but I know that you

probably got the gist of it by now. The counsler made me feel like it was not

me that was crazy. I knew that, but my mom just is manipulating and tries her

hardest to make me look bad to make her look good. It's devistating and it's

hurts and I am exhausted. But knowing she may have a personality disorder makes

me understand that she just may never be that mom that I once knew. That is

very hard to deal with. I feel like the day she had her transplant that my real

mother died with her first heart. Sad to say, but what I feel.

>

> She will lash out here and there and say I will also regret having children

because adult children put her through hell. She will say she should have

stopped after two kids, thank god I was number two (smile). Okay, not funny.

She will say that if she wouldn't have had the transplant and died that it would

have been better for everyone in her family.

>

> Oh, my, see, exhausting. But I am a people person and always look to the

greater good and always want to help when someone is in need. How do I help, do

I just walk away? Anyone have any resources or advice for me?

>

> Thanks so much for letting me vent and lay out my feelings, I feel very alone

in this with my family and having anyone that knows what I am going through talk

to me, I would just feel not so alone.

>

> Lonely, exhausted, me

>