nada's last screw you from the grave

September 22, 2010

I should have known there would be a catch. Met with the attorney today and

I will become the trustee of her estate (which is quite large) and have to

manage it but it is not distributed to her kids, my brother and I, until age

50 when we get half and age 55 when we get the other half. I'm sure I will

have many layers of anger over this, but the primary one I'm having right

now is that rather than months to a year of work to settle her estate - I'm

looking at least 16 more years of lots of work - like filing a tax return

for her frigging trust every year! It's typical nada though and I really

should not be surprised that she set it up to try to maintain control as

long as possible. Ahhh nada....just when I was feeling fairly compassionate

and actually missing her - now I will go to her funeral tomorrow mad at her.

September 22, 2010

((((((((MY))))))))

virtual hugs to you. Isn't that amazing, that the need to control and dominate

and even punish from beyond the grave is so evident with our bpd/npd parents?

My nada started trying to use her money RE her will to stir up drama and

feelings of competition between myself and my Sister and her boy, a few years

back. I admit that initially I felt driven to argue with nada about how she was

planning to divide up whatever's left of her financial instruments after she's

gone... and then I caught myself. I just backed away; I dropped it. I didn't

want to go there.

Its her money, she can leave it to her cat if she wants to.

Later, when nada made an ugly statement that went something like, " You

kids/grandkid only talk to me or spend time with me when you want something from

me... " it finally became crystal clear to me that she truly believes that the

affection that I had for her (up until that time) was fake: that I was only nice

to her because I wanted her money! Good Lord.

It finally registered with me that she must be projecting again; the truth was

that *she* did not love *me* if she thought that that's the only reason I made

an effort to call her and spend time with her. She actually, truly felt that

she had to " buy " me. That made the degree of her distorted thinking and

underlying hostility and yes, hate, so very clear. Holy Freaking Cow. My whole

relationship with her was based on a distortion and lies. My own mother thought

that of me, after I'd tried my whole life to please her and include her in my

life and make her proud of me, she actually believed that of me. It felt I'd

been eviscerated.

I couldn't let her gut me like that again, I had to take that weapon away from

her. I told nada and nada's therapist (via conference call) and my Sister that

I wanted nada to take my name off of every financial instrument she has. All of

them. I'm out. I told her to take my name off of her will; I want nothing from

her, ever again.

So, anyway. Each of us has to do what feels right for himself or herself. My

mother apparently considered me to be a whore that she could rent. I have freed

myself of any possibility that any of our relatives will believe that;

disinheriting myself was worth it to me. I feel clean now.

-Annie

>

> I should have known there would be a catch. Met with the attorney today and

> I will become the trustee of her estate (which is quite large) and have to

> manage it but it is not distributed to her kids, my brother and I, until age

> 50 when we get half and age 55 when we get the other half. I'm sure I will

> have many layers of anger over this, but the primary one I'm having right

> now is that rather than months to a year of work to settle her estate - I'm

> looking at least 16 more years of lots of work - like filing a tax return

> for her frigging trust every year! It's typical nada though and I really

> should not be surprised that she set it up to try to maintain control as

> long as possible. Ahhh nada....just when I was feeling fairly compassionate

> and actually missing her - now I will go to her funeral tomorrow mad at her.

>

September 27, 2010

I know I should not be letting nada have this kind of power over me now that

she is dead any more than I should have given her any power over me while

she was alive. But I continue to be really angry over this trust thing -

which she just changed this past June and kept it a secret from everyone

except the attorney who made the ammendment.

It is consistent with everything else nada has ever done, but it feels like

salt poured in all of our wounds, like a kick in the stomach. And my brother

and I had actually felt like we had had good closure with her in her last

days. We never wanted any of her money - which we told her repeatedly when

she would try to control us with her money. So, it is not about the money. I

simply do not want to have to deal with her estate for the next 16 years. If

we had inherited her money in a straightforward way, I think my brother and

I were actually inclined to do something good with it, currently we are

inclined to just waste it or get rid of it somehow. We were also inclined to

take care of her stuff and actually had some sentimental attachment to some

of the things in her home from our childhoods, but now we frankly don't care

if it is all stolen or the house burns down before we get to it.

Fortunately, my brother and I are on the same page and we are determined to

not let there be any division between us in the working out of her estate.

Though if we were inclined to have division she set it up to exacerbate it,

I wouldn't be surprised if she made the change to punish my brother, but

then put me in charge - which is exactly what she tried to do our entire

lives. But it did not work then and it won't work now - it has only made us

more united.

At the very least I need to figure out what the next steps are and if there

is any way around this, but I have no motivation to do it right now.