Guest guest Posted October 1, 2010 Report Share Posted October 1, 2010 I know exactly what you're talking about darkalley; my nada had/has that very same relentless need to be right, to have the final say so on all matters of taste or opinion, and to basically be deferred to on all the major and even minor decisions for those around her in this regard. So, bossy, controlling Queen nadas eventually train their zombie-like family to just shut up and go where she wants to go, eat what she wants to eat, buy what she wants to buy, or suffer the punishment of endless whining complaints and denigrations RE any choices nada didn't make or approve of. There's two people I know who tend to do that, RE your description of being reluctant to say where you'd like to have dinner on your birthday: my Sister and my friend J. on occasion seem genuinely anxious and distressed when its their turn to pick! That's so sad! (I make a point of not being critical of a restaurant that a friend picks, for that reason. I want to be encouraging so they'll feel comfortable sharing the choice, back and forth, with me.) I guess its a conditioned behavior; its probably over-come-able. if it distresses you / you want to be more comfortable RE choosing a restaurant, I bet your therapist could give you some tools for overcoming it. -Annie > > This has been an interesting thread for me to read and ponder. > > I had my birthday earlier this year, and it's tradition in our household > that the birthday person gets to pick what and where we eat dinner. > > DH and DD kept asking me what I wanted, and I didn't know. It was weird, it > was as if I had no really strong desire for a particular meal or > restaurant. I would say: Well, we could go here or eat this or that, does that sound > good? and they'd reply: It's your birthday. We'll eat whatever you want. > This went on for days. > > So reading this thread has me thinking. I have always considered myself > very easy going, and others concur. Laid back, not demanding in a certain way > (very demanding in others, hey, I'm a Leo, what can I say, lol) and > agreeable, willing to go along. > > But now I am wondering if this is actually learned behavior from Nada. Do I > really not care about what we eat, where we go, and many other things? Am > I truly just a laid back agreeable person? Or did I squelch my own desires > so much from infancy that it's almost as if I don't have them? > > Am I subconsciously afraid to make a choice because it might be wrong? Or > because subconsciously I am fearful that it will not please my companions? > > I do know that Nada would become enraged when people with her didn't do > exactly what she did. For example, for years my poor father would eat the same > meal in a restaurant as she chose. If DH or I chose something different > she would go on and on ad nausea about how good her meal was. She did this > with many other things, too many to even put in writing. > > One time DH and I were talking about buying a log home and she said: But do > YOU want a log home? > Of course what she meant was I would never have a log home and neither > should you. > > I don't know. I'm rambling. And thinking. This forum is so valuable to me. > > Em > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2010 Report Share Posted October 1, 2010 EM, wow, this is me too!! I hate to pick where we go out to eat... because when I grew up if we picked something and nada didnt have an enjoyable time/meal..etc then the next time she wouldnt go... Even down to what I ordered... nada always said things like faijitas (sp?) gave her a headache to smell them and so we couldnt order them... I am continually surprised when I get on here to read other's posts how similar in such ridiculous ways we all have lived!! who would have known?!! Thanks! jen > > This has been an interesting thread for me to read and ponder. > > I had my birthday earlier this year, and it's tradition in our household > that the birthday person gets to pick what and where we eat dinner. > > DH and DD kept asking me what I wanted, and I didn't know. It was weird, it > was as if I had no really strong desire for a particular meal or > restaurant. I would say: Well, we could go here or eat this or that, does that sound > good? and they'd reply: It's your birthday. We'll eat whatever you want. > This went on for days. > > So reading this thread has me thinking. I have always considered myself > very easy going, and others concur. Laid back, not demanding in a certain way > (very demanding in others, hey, I'm a Leo, what can I say, lol) and > agreeable, willing to go along. > > But now I am wondering if this is actually learned behavior from Nada. Do I > really not care about what we eat, where we go, and many other things? Am > I truly just a laid back agreeable person? Or did I squelch my own desires > so much from infancy that it's almost as if I don't have them? > > Am I subconsciously afraid to make a choice because it might be wrong? Or > because subconsciously I am fearful that it will not please my companions? > > I do know that Nada would become enraged when people with her didn't do > exactly what she did. For example, for years my poor father would eat the same > meal in a restaurant as she chose. If DH or I chose something different > she would go on and on ad nausea about how good her meal was. She did this > with many other things, too many to even put in writing. > > One time DH and I were talking about buying a log home and she said: But do > YOU want a log home? > Of course what she meant was I would never have a log home and neither > should you. > > I don't know. I'm rambling. And thinking. This forum is so valuable to me. > > Em > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 1, 2010 Report Share Posted October 1, 2010 " I do know that Nada would become enraged when people with her didn't do exactly what she did. For example, for years my poor father would eat the same meal in a restaurant as she chose. If DH or I chose something different she would go on and on ad nausea about how good her meal was. She did this with many other things, too many to even put in writing. " Oh, WOW!!! That is E-X-A-C-T-L-Y what it was like to grow up in my home. E-X-A-C-T-L-Y. I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. Hated it. It was horrible. (((((hugs to all))))) --. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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